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RE: How much have you changed? - 1/21/2015 11:44:33 AM

DerangedUnit

Posts: 660
Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline

Yeah I don't get the whole "give yourself over completely" thing... but then that's why I never identified as submissive. I don't give anything up. I agree with Satan that it's taxing, or rather I find being in control extremely dull, it's a chore. I don't like to emotionally babysit people.

I don't think trust is about giving anything over. It's about finding someone who will respect you for your strengths and not try to destroy you for your weaknesses. Trust isn't knowing that someone else knows what is sets best it's just knowing they aren't going to intentionally hurt you.

The one person i finally trust as much as i do (it took years to get tog this point) got to that point by never asking me to give up anything. He let me do everything I wanted to by myself, by myself and was just a presence to offer support when I needed it. He had opportunities to take more and showed he had his own boundaries. It wasn't ever about giving anything, it was about knowing where you stand. God knows I can't trust him for everything... if I relied on him for food I'd only be eating cake every day :P

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 21

RE: How much have you changed? - 1/21/2015 12:36:56 PM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline

Then...

quote:

ORIGINAL: DerangedUnit

I've pretty much always been a slave, any periods where I wasn't were in between. So there is no clear cut before/after. Everything has been affected by my history. Who I would have been without all of it... who knows. I have changed a lot at different points in my life, around different people. I would only ever make changes I considered positive at the time, however, as I experienced more my definition of what was positive changed. The biggest shift was probably the first and only time I trusted someone other than myself... who knows if that's for the best, but it is easier... easy is rarely good.

and then...

quote:

ORIGINAL: DerangedUnit

Yeah I don't get the whole "give yourself over completely" thing... but then that's why I never identified as submissive. I don't give anything up. I agree with Satan that it's taxing, or rather I find being in control extremely dull, it's a chore. I don't like to emotionally babysit people.

I don't think trust is about giving anything over. It's about finding someone who will respect you for your strengths and not try to destroy you for your weaknesses. Trust isn't knowing that someone else knows what is sets best it's just knowing they aren't going to intentionally hurt you.

The one person i finally trust as much as i do (it took years to get tog this point) got to that point by never asking me to give up anything. He let me do everything I wanted to by myself, by myself and was just a presence to offer support when I needed it. He had opportunities to take more and showed he had his own boundaries. It wasn't ever about giving anything, it was about knowing where you stand. God knows I can't trust him for everything... if I relied on him for food I'd only be eating cake every day :P

I have no intentions of dying of lung cancer of the colon.

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to DerangedUnit)

Post #: 22

RE: How much have you changed? - 1/21/2015 12:46:30 PM

DerangedUnit

Posts: 660
Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline

This guy and his "my definition of submissive and slave is the only one despite it not being what the dictionary says"... boy give it up already, changing your picture doesn't change your argument.

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

Post #: 23

RE: How much have you changed? - 1/21/2015 3:56:36 PM

DerangedUnit

Posts: 660
Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline

To give this back to the topic though(since I was actually interested in seeing what other girls experiences were), I think that is a prime example of one way relationships change you. Many doms are like exiled there, they think the point is to try to poke holes in other people... that if you can wittle away enough than somehow you win. I've seen the effects this has on others and I know what it did to me already. I spent years jumping between people who would all act the same same way and I thought that that was all there was. So you stop talking, why talk to someone who will only use that against you... and you treat them the same way.... every time they are mentioned you sling dirt, talk above their head to all their friends... make everyone equally miserable. I did that for years because it was the only way to survive at the time. And it took just as long to undo all that bulls hit and to find someone that was just fine being happy and didn't need to yell at little girls all the time to feel like a man.

Daddy says they just like to pick on me because I'm pretty :P

< Message edited by DerangedUnit -- 1/21/2015 4:03:02 PM >

(in reply to DerangedUnit)

Post #: 24

RE: How much have you changed? - 1/21/2015 4:53:36 PM

GoddessManko

Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DerangedUnit

To give this back to the topic though(since I was actually interested in seeing what other girls experiences were), I think that is a prime example of one way relationships change you. Many doms are like exiled there, they think the point is to try to poke holes in other people... that if you can wittle away enough than somehow you win. I've seen the effects this has on others and I know what it did to me already. I spent years jumping between people who would all act the same same way and I thought that that was all there was. So you stop talking, why talk to someone who will only use that against you... and you treat them the same way.... every time they are mentioned you sling dirt, talk above their head to all their friends... make everyone equally miserable. I did that for years because it was the only way to survive at the time. And it took just as long to undo all that bulls hit and to find someone that was just fine being happy and didn't need to yell at little girls all the time to feel like a man.

Daddy says they just like to pick on me because I'm pretty :P

I can understand Exiled's confusion. If you don't identify as a submissive...but even further than that, a slave. I'm not trying to be facetious but if you don't mind granting some measure of understanding to prevent mislabeling. I think the issue might be most people in lifestyle see "slave" as more extreme than "sub" no matter how you define it.

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to DerangedUnit)

Post #: 25

RE: How much have you changed? - 1/21/2015 5:12:07 PM

DerangedUnit

Posts: 660
Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline

*sigh* we've already gone through this on another thread, I suggest you search for that one. If you want a quick answer: I prefer to use words words in the English language as they are intended, not in whatever variance a small group of people may decide to bicker about to make their girls feel less insulted at being called submissive. Here's the definitions:

Submissive: ready to conform to the authority or will of others; meekly obedient or passive. As in pliant docile yielding

Slave:a person who is the legal property of another and is forced to obey them. As in serf vassal thrall

One is a personality trait, the other a state of being. That's as simple as I can make it.

(in reply to GoddessManko)

Post #: 26

RE: How much have you changed? - 1/21/2015 5:22:47 PM

GoddessManko

Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DerangedUnit

*sigh* we've already gone through this on another thread, I suggest you search for that one. If you want a quick answer: I prefer to use words words in the English language as they are intended, not in whatever variance a small group of people may decide to bicker about to make their girls feel less insulted at being called submissive. Here's the definitions:

Submissive: ready to conform to the authority or will of others; meekly obedient or passive. As in pliant docile yielding

Slave:a person who is the legal property of another and is forced to obey them. As in serf vassal thrall

One is a personality trait, the other a state of being. That's as simple as I can make it.

That makes sense, I suspected as such and needed further clarification because the definition was actually "forced to". I wasn't sure how it translated to you. I realize there are very singular minded people in the lifestyle. I was multitasking in the interim is why I couldn't go scouring for the thread.

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to DerangedUnit)

Post #: 27

RE: How much have you changed? - 1/21/2015 5:27:07 PM

DerangedUnit

Posts: 660
Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline

No problem, as long as people can keep from being petty I don't mind. I just didn't want to derail this thread since I liked hearing others opinions on changes they've gone through as a direct or indirect result of 24/7 relationships

(in reply to GoddessManko)

Post #: 28

RE: How much have you changed? - 1/22/2015 5:01:31 AM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DerangedUnit

This guy and his "my definition of submissive and slave is the only one despite it not being what the dictionary says"... boy give it up already, changing your picture doesn't change your argument.

You have deep rooted issues that "Deranged" doesn't even begin to cover. If you were a male spewing your stupidity on these boards the lynch mob would've already strung your ass up for being the HNG fantasy wanker that you are with no grasp on reality. The biggest issue is actually confused people searching for answers come to this site and the very best that your inane drivel is going to achieve is to confuse them further.

Your entire profile is "short-bus" ready and post after post is nothing but nailing yourself to one cross or the other or "blood on the sheets" beaten into slavery crap... had to pay my parents rent as I struggled through pre-school, lived my life as a prostitute when I moved out at 12, blah blah blah... then the Betty Page shit qualified by the "inadequacy of the interwebz", no matter how bad you've had it, I've had it worse... puh-leez!

Look, it's all fine and good that you want to participate here, just do it as "you" and not the bat-shit crazy you are presenting yourself to be unless, in fact, you are truly that bat-shit crazy. A lot of people have varying levels of knowledge to lend on this forum, but more importantly we all have new things to learn. We learn things by acknowledging our ignorance of X rather than being mired in stupidity and arguing from supposition and/or the "friend of a friend of a friend found on the interwebz that Betty Page is living in southern france with Elvis, Jimmy Hoffa, and Bruce Lee, dominating them with her slavish dominance..."

If you have a point to make, make it diligently, don't leave it for the reader to sort through bull shit from fact. In this thread you present yourself as beaten into slavery, that you are not a submissive, that you are and have been forced into slavery and you are giving permission and validation for people to emulate Arial Castro style BDSM.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DerangedUnit

Slave:a person who is the legal property of another and is forced to obey them. As in serf vassal thrall

THIS ^ is illegal. Meaning NOT LEGAL AT ALL when you divorce it from submission as you declare. You are confusing the newbs and validating the sickos.

Jus sayin

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to DerangedUnit)

Post #: 29

RE: How much have you changed? - 1/22/2015 6:36:08 AM

inkedone

Posts: 155
Joined: 9/17/2014
From: Fritch Texas
Status: offline

I was thinking the other day after speaking with Sir about a similar subject about from whence I came and where I am going. My former relationship was of a slave meaning as Sir so eloquently stated, “I would love to have a slave, my property for use much like my favorite dog. I do appreciate an obedient faithful dog”. This was me for many years of my life “Property of”. Do I miss it? Yes there are times that I miss it, there are times it is a welcoming feeling that beckons as familiar and calming, but Sir has instilled skills within my mind that He is my constant thought and I can do things I don’t necessarily like without fear in life. That is the good stuff.

I would say the evolution or change for me in my current status is I am not confused as person trying to figure out what bdsm label box I fit in. I have never really been a big fan of be all fit all labels that place us in a preset boxes. I am a submissive with slave like tendencies, Sir often speaks of, but I think the big difference from then until know was my naive confusion of what I truly am. I do believe my past relationship has shaped my perception and influenced my behavior, but Sir is opening me up to new experiences that are for my betterment. He has through different elements made me completed self examination and thoughts about different aspects for his knowledge. Learning his sub he calls it. The big definitional difference in my opinion is a slave is useful and obedient property for Sir’s use. I understand that true slavery in since of definition is illegal, but my definition comes from life experience for clarification purposes. A submissive retains the right to make a decision. I do believe though you can tie the one you serve and stagnation of growth or pushing boundaries by making a decision in haste or fear of the unknown. You have to be willing to open yourself up and this comes from building trust and a bound over time.

I think I have evolved from my past, and Sir is making me a better person because of His presence. Not the self centered “Man Eater” running haphazardly in the world. I think I was doing this because I was confused and unsettled. He gives me inner strength and calm. He encourages me to do my best in all things which has influenced my confidence, and overall demeanor.

_____________________________

inked
"Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were none".

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

Post #: 30

RE: How much have you changed? - 1/22/2015 9:59:59 AM

peppermint

Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

No, being in a power exchange relationship has not changed how I relate with anything to do with the vanilla side of life. By the time I started my first 24/7 D/s relationship I was already 54 years old. By that age I would guess most people aren't going to change dramatically just because they have a personal relationship that isn't vanilla. My guess would be that people in their 20s might have more change of attitude or demeanor for the very fact that they are still finding themselves and where they fit into the scheme of things.

_____________________________

We are stardust, we are golden, and we got to get ourselves back to the garden.

Yes, I am crazy about feathered creatures. I have a dozen chickens, 3 ducks, 5 geese, and 2 parakeets.

Revise that number. Just got 14 new chicks and 5 turkeys.

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 31

RE: How much have you changed? - 1/22/2015 10:50:01 AM

orgasmdenial12

Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline

To be honest - not very much. Of course I succumbed to the usual sub-frenzy and everything went way out for a little while, but it bounced back pretty quick and I've been there ever since.

The only thing I've noticed is that I'm a tiny bit less lazy in terms of service. But not much. Mainly cause I like dressing up as a maid and being all objectified lol.

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 32

RE: How much have you changed? - 1/23/2015 5:45:52 PM

Nakhla

Posts: 104
Joined: 10/24/2012
Status: offline

I've become more confident, more practical, and more reserved in some respects.

I've lived enough of this as a lifestyle to know it's what I want and what makes me feel satisfied in a relationship.

I've lived enough of this as a lifestyle to know it does not replace having a life in other respects.

I no longer feel obligated to submit to good people, if they're not the right person to be with. I've always had a built-in asshole detector, but I often felt that if a guy was "alright" and honest, I should be able to make it work whether I actually liked him or not. It's just not the case. There needs to be something more than "you're... okay, as a human being" for us to be together.

I've come to terms with the fact that I may never have this type of relationship again simply because there is a small, small, small selection of people in this world I'm compatible with.

At its core, though... what I've wanted I've always wanted out of a relationship with someone, and my experiences were more of a confirmation of who I was than a discovery or creation of that person.

_____________________________

Submediant In Search Of Dominant Resolution... Formerly WestBaySlave on these forums.

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 33

RE: How much have you changed? - 1/25/2015 5:01:19 PM

preytolife

Posts: 138
Joined: 11/29/2010
From: LaLa Land
Status: offline

My last relationship changed me for the worse. At the time I didn't have the communication skills I needed and I wasn't very good at picking healthy partners. While I did become more self confident I also became drastically more dependent and anxious. One of my relationships also directly or indirectly influenced me into reading way too much into the labels (sub, slave etc) and prevented me from taking a good look at some things.

I had to take a break from relationships, though not BDSM, to get back on track.

I've found BDSM in general to be an empowering, sensual and exploratory experience. I learned a lot from my relationships but I changed for the better by exploring as a single. In recent years people have commented that I'm much more confident and I have a better idea of what I like, what I want and what makes sense. That may just be a product of growing up a bit though.

(in reply to Nakhla)

Post #: 34

RE: How much have you changed? - 1/25/2015 6:19:13 PM

tj444

Posts: 7574
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

This question is mostly aimed at subs/slaves who are (or have been in 24/7 power exchange relationships....

Do you think being in a power exchange relationship has changed your overall demeanor and attitude toward things in the vanilla aspects of your life? Do you think you treat and respond to people differently than you did before you became a sub or slave?

Has the change been positive or negative? Have people in you vanilla life noticed and commented on the change?

yeah.. I pretty much finally decided that being a sub/slave wasn't for me.. I think I am listed as a switch right now but what I really mean by that is I am back to being sorta vanilla.. I was never into S&M either so, once the power exchange is removed it is pretty much vanilla, isn't it? not that I wouldn't mind a nice, good looking (to me) guy that cooks, cleans and happily takes orders from me.. but I don't think that would qualify me as being a "Domme".. although... if he wanted to pay for a sexy leather outfit I would wear it..

_____________________________

As Anderson Cooper said “If he (Trump) took a dump on his desk, you would defend it”

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 35

RE: How much have you changed? - 1/26/2015 6:40:50 PM

caelestis

Posts: 195
Joined: 9/6/2008
Status: offline

My Master and I are in a 24/7 M/s relationship. The only comments we've gotten from friends (vanilla or otherwise) is that we both seem much happier together.

Other than that, I think the only way I've changed in interacting with other people in day to day life is that I'm a bit more confident. He's been working with me on my social anxiety and we've made some big steps forward. But I wouldn't say I'm more polite or more slave-y or anything like that. I'm actually less of a push over now, but he makes sure I don't forget my manners.

_____________________________

"We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. Beautiful in the concept, if we're lucky, but frequently tedious or regrettable as we flesh ourselves out."
— Gregory Maguire

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 36

RE: How much have you changed? - 1/27/2015 10:48:19 AM

louisboy

Posts: 49
Joined: 11/13/2014
Status: offline

It was a while ago, and it was frikken vanilla. For my gay Masters, I was their devoted servant with benefits. I was used to snapping fingers, and being constantly aware to satisfy his needs before they were needed. After a while, I began to defer to any male. They were all, "Sir". The bag boy at the supermarket gave me strange looks, when I held the door for him and said something like, "After you, Sir." It was things like, if a guy dropped a pencil, I'd jump to pick it up. It was definitely bleeding into my non-servant life. I don't know how you be so completely involved with a behavior, and then somehow, just shut it off a the front door.

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 37

RE: How much have you changed? - 1/29/2015 6:40:32 AM

imtempting

Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline

Yes it has changed me, just look at how polite and well mannered I have been over the last few months on these boards.... Of course I've not been here so that could of helped.

I think if you do change its not because of the D/s part of it but rather your met someone who is needed in your life at the time weather it's vanilla or lifestyle and they are helping to make your more confident/relaxed or whatever your saying is changed.

It annoys me how people seem to think d/s is this life saving thing and without it they would be an asshole,stubborn, lazy, disrespectful and so on and so on

(in reply to louisboy)

Post #: 38

RE: How much have you changed? - 1/29/2015 12:04:42 PM

GoddessManko

Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline

And you are just a perpetual ray of sunshine, ain't ya?

quote:

ORIGINAL: imtempting

Yes it has changed me, just look at how polite and well mannered I have been over the last few months on these boards.... Of course I've not been here so that could of helped.

I think if you do change its not because of the D/s part of it but rather your met someone who is needed in your life at the time weather it's vanilla or lifestyle and they are helping to make your more confident/relaxed or whatever your saying is changed.

It annoys me how people seem to think d/s is this life saving thing and without it they would be an asshole,stubborn, lazy, disrespectful and so on and so on

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to imtempting)

Post #: 39

RE: How much have you changed? - 1/29/2015 1:28:51 PM

imtempting

Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline

Seems I have done what you said is hard in your profile and I've impressed you. I truly am awesome.

A song verse fitting for the moment but one slightly modified for you.

Imtempting, You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

And you are just a perpetual ray of sunshine, ain't ya?

quote:

ORIGINAL: imtempting

Yes it has changed me, just look at how polite and well mannered I have been over the last few months on these boards.... Of course I've not been here so that could of helped.

I think if you do change its not because of the D/s part of it but rather your met someone who is needed in your life at the time weather it's vanilla or lifestyle and they are helping to make your more confident/relaxed or whatever your saying is changed.

It annoys me how people seem to think d/s is this life saving thing and without it they would be an asshole,stubborn, lazy, disrespectful and so on and so on

(in reply to GoddessManko)

Post #: 40

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