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Is asking for appreciation considered topping from the ... - 2/15/2015 2:40:53 PM   
crumpets


Posts: 1614
Joined: 11/5/2014
From: South Bay (SF & Silicon Valley)
Status: offline 		I must admit, I don't understand the attraction that some have for the uncaring cruel Domme.

Appreciation, is what I live for. Being useful. Being desired. Wanted. Needed. And, always, being appreciated.

I realize I must be worthy of appreciation, as, if it is given in falsity, it's nothing. I try hard to understand and to learn and to take correction (which is clearly not appreciation) well.

And, the appreciation must be sincere even if very simple. A nod of the head, a kind word, a simply smile, whatever it takes to convey the meaning. Such sincere appreciation takes various forms, but, if all my efforts are not to be appreciated, then, why try in the first place?

Hence, I ask this question, since that is a need of mine ... (in fact, it's probably a hard limit) ...

Is asking for (or expecting) appreciation, when it's truly warranted of course, considered topping from the bottom?

EDIT: Typos (I hate typos! They're embarrassing.)

< Message edited by crumpets -- 2/15/2015 2:44:58 PM >
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RE: Is asking for appreciation considered topping from ... - 2/15/2015 2:51:36 PM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline
That's an interesting question. I guess it depends upon one's thoughts on the definition of submission. I would think that the interpretation of your question would be different for just about everyone.

For myself, appreciation is tied to more than specific acts of service. Don't get me wrong, they're appreciated as well, but, for me, it's about the person; who they are, how they behave. Not just with me. I tend to notice how people treat others. I've walked out on a second date where the lady treated the server like something stuck to the bottom of her shoe. It bothered me enough to see her in a different light. She didn't appreciate the waitress' service.

My lady(/ies) do for me and, usually, the acts are appreciated but not always. A very small example is: I drink a lot of soda ... a LOT . When she asks: "Do you want another, soda, Daddy/Michael/whatever mood she's in, at the time?", my answer is usually "Yes, thank you, sweetheart."

When I'm getting close to ready to go to sleep (they never know. I have a weird schedule, thanks to my PTSD) and she doesn't ask, I don't appreciate it so much (those ice cubes will melt, even in the refrigerator, and render that cup of soda, worthless/useless).

I would say, obviously, that it also depends upon the recipient of the service. Is what you're doing meeting their needs/wants or is it what you wish to do, hoping that it will be appreciated?

It's an interesting question, indeed.



Michael

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RE: Is asking for appreciation considered topping from ... - 2/15/2015 3:40:40 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline 		"Is asking for (or expecting) appreciation, when it's truly warranted of course, considered topping from the bottom?"

By some....not by others.

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RE: Is asking for appreciation considered topping from ... - 2/15/2015 3:59:30 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		Being/needing appreciation has nothing to do with topping from the bottom.

It is a human desire that we all probably take for granted, unless we are not getting it.

I tell people in my life that I value them by thanking them or doing something to demonstrate my appreciation.

Not being appreciated is bad for me and I communicate that.




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RE: Is asking for appreciation considered topping from ... - 2/15/2015 4:10:29 PM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline 		Friends joke that I need a sign saying Will Work For Compliments, a riff off those panhandler signs saying they will work for food. They're right, verbal affirmations are really important to me.

If my Owner thinks that is topping from the bottom he doesn't care.

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RE: Is asking for appreciation considered topping from ... - 2/15/2015 6:11:09 PM   
shiftyw


Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline 		Verbal affirmations are huge for me too. Just...in life...not even BDSM.

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RE: Is asking for appreciation considered topping from ... - 2/15/2015 6:19:00 PM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline 		Affirmations are nice and lovely to receive, but should not be expected. This applies to my everyday life, not just my relationship. Am I really doing something for someone else? Then I shouldn't expect anything in return. If it happens, fine. But if not, it doesn't matter since hopefully, I wasn't going for recognition or thanks in the first place.

I wouldn't consider asking for appreciation to be topping from the bottom. But I would consider it poor behavior..

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RE: Is asking for appreciation considered topping from ... - 2/15/2015 7:31:52 PM   
InHisHeart


Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
Status: offline 		I always show appreciation to him and appreciation is always shown to me, it's the way we are. Appreciation is not just about him appreciating what I do for him or what he does for me, it's about showing each other how important we are to each other.

I would never ask for appreciation, not because I see it as topping from the bottom but because if it's given only because I ask for it, then to me it would just be words or action with no meaning behind it.

I wouldn't stay in a relationship if I didn't feel I'm appreciated. If I'm not important enough to him to show me appreciation then he doesn't belong in my life.

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RE: Is asking for appreciation considered topping from ... - 2/15/2015 10:15:57 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Depends. If you keep bugging someone about it, then it will damage the relationship. An occasional reminder is fine.

Basically, you're doing nothing more than telling her what you need to be happy in a relationship.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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RE: Is asking for appreciation considered topping from ... - 2/15/2015 10:35:32 PM   
MissToYouRedux


Posts: 867
Joined: 1/23/2010
Status: offline 		I am of two minds about this.

Of course I notice and appreciate the effort my submissive makes for me, especially when he's extended himself above and beyond... and I tell him so.

But I would not be in a relationship with someone who would require and expect appreciation as if he had done me a *favor* with his service.

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RE: Is asking for appreciation considered topping from ... - 2/16/2015 2:48:28 AM   
NookieNotes


Posts: 1720
Joined: 11/10/2013
Status: offline 		~FR~

If appreciation is a need for you, then make it a part of your negotiations. Discuss how appreciation looks/sounds to you, what makes you feel appreciated.

If that does not happen within the relationship, then, you know it's not right for you, and you should get out.

Nagging and whining within the relationship is not topping from the bottom. Topping from the bottom (in my view) can only happen when your behavior forces your top/dom's hand to doing something they would not have done willingly. Therefore, you are taking the leadership role.

As an aside, I believe in appreciation. I try to make it clear that I appreciate what people do for me, in many and myriad ways. As I get deeper into relationships with them, I try to show it even more.

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RE: Is asking for appreciation considered topping from ... - 2/16/2015 4:35:21 AM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline 		Mmmkayyyy... I've looked at this a few times and it's just a bit too non specific for me, because some people are needier than others. What are you looking for?

"Good boy, you used the big boy potty, YAY!!!!" You've probably not heard that in awhile, but is that it?
"Good boy, you washed the dishes, YAY!!!!" You probably shouldn't need to hear that cuz reasonable responsible people just wash the dishes.

I never gave my kids an allowance, I refuse to pay anyone to participate in daily living, you're living here, you're doing your part. However, I had 40 acres and a lot of work that existed outside the day in day out responsibility of the home and the yard that was a part of "our" family responsibility. So, when the brat brigade wanted money they would ask for work. It usually went like this:

"Dad, I need some work."
"How much work?"
"37.50 plus tax."
"Gotcha."

They would perform the job, get their money, buy their goody, and life would resume until the next "Dad, I need some work."

The point is, I am 100% responsible for my daily living and it is a thankless job in a sense. I am grateful that my house is always clean, that my meals are always fantastic, and that my bed is always made and I have me to thank for that. I am quick to thank someone for cooking, cleaning, etc. because that shit is work, but I do not ever expect to be thanked for doing what is necessary to keep my life comfortable.

So, for me, you need to be a little more specific as to what you need gratitude for.

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To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

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RE: Is asking for appreciation considered topping from ... - 2/16/2015 5:33:16 AM   
shiftyw


Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline 		For me OP- I don't expect praise for just wiping my ass.

I would like a thank you if I plan and cook him some elaborate meal or date that is a surprise.

For me, I don't need to be thanked all the time- I need to feel wanted and loved and that shows his appreciation. And I think vice versa too.

Is that more along the lines of what you mean?

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RE: Is asking for appreciation considered topping from ... - 2/16/2015 5:48:44 AM   
InHisHeart


Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shiftyw

For me OP- I don't expect praise for just wiping my ass.

I would like a thank you if I plan and cook him some elaborate meal or date that is a surprise.

For me, I don't need to be thanked all the time- I need to feel wanted and loved and that shows his appreciation. And I think vice versa too.

Is that more along the lines of what you mean?


That's exactly how I feel and what I tried to say while dealing with mind fog, you said it much better.

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I don't have a bucket list but my fucket list is a mile long.

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.


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RE: Is asking for appreciation considered topping from ... - 2/16/2015 7:17:04 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		Appreciation in the sense of give and take.

Real life example. I was in Chicago on a business trip and my boyfriend was going through something. I decided to leave the trip earlier and fly back to be with him in his time of need.

I did things like that and other things big and small, because I loved him.

We were together for many years and I went through terrible things, including my health.

He never reciprocated on these big things, let alone the small things in life. It was all about him, despite his protestations of love.

After we broke up for good last year I said, you never once appreciated me and he agreed.

Of course it was my choice to still deal with his selfish bullshit, but it illustrates what I mean about appreciation being a two way street.

You don't have to constantly tell me you appreciate me, just fucking show up when I really need you.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 2/16/2015 7:18:27 AM >

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RE: Is asking for appreciation considered topping from ... - 2/16/2015 9:06:00 AM   
littleladybug


Posts: 1082
Joined: 5/30/2013
Status: offline 		Yesterday, I helped my man stack some wood that he had cut up. It was the most that I could do, as I really should not be anywhere near power tools. At the end of it, he thanked me for helping him out. Yes, that "thank you" was expected.

I cook for my man. Whether it's something that takes me a couple of hours, or a couple of minutes, I expect some sort of recognition of it. Again, "thanks, that was really good" (or something along those lines) works just fine.

I treat him the same way. It's certainly not limited to anything that goes "above and beyond".

I view a "thank you", or some sort of other form of appreciation, as an indication that one is not taking the other person for granted. I wouldn't view this as a "limit" of mine- just an indication of compatibility with the other person. In my experience, people either are this way, or they are not. If they are not, then it's an indication to me that we are not compatible- and it's time to move on.


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RE: Is asking for appreciation considered topping from ... - 2/16/2015 3:04:45 PM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littleladybug

I view a "thank you", or some sort of other form of appreciation, as an indication that one is not taking the other person for granted. I wouldn't view this as a "limit" of mine- just an indication of compatibility with the other person. In my experience, people either are this way, or they are not. If they are not, then it's an indication to me that we are not compatible- and it's time to move on.





There is much about each other that we love and are careful to not forget and lose sight of. For those things, we are careful to not take each other for granted. But if being taken for granted means (as Google says it does) to accept without question or objection; to assume, then I absolutely expect my service to be taken for granted by him.





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RE: Is asking for appreciation considered topping from ... - 2/16/2015 3:35:01 PM   
crumpets


Posts: 1614
Joined: 11/5/2014
From: South Bay (SF & Silicon Valley)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissToYouRedux
But I would not be in a relationship with someone who would require and expect appreciation as if he had done me a *favor* with his service.


This makes perfect sense, and, in light of a current nagging feeling I have inside of me for a potential partner, I think it works both ways.

If my services aren't going to be appreciated, then, I can resort to whining (which isn't my schtick) or I can take my services elsewhere.

Thanks for the insight. Much appreciated, as always,
...

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RE: Is asking for appreciation considered topping from ... - 2/16/2015 3:42:48 PM   
crumpets


Posts: 1614
Joined: 11/5/2014
From: South Bay (SF & Silicon Valley)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant
Mmmkayyyy... I've looked at this a few times and it's just a bit too non specific for me, because some people are needier than others. What are you looking for?


Fair enough question.
I'm not looking for anything that takes a time, money, or even effort. It's just real appreciation, that's all.
Like a "real" orgasm, you can tell (at least you think you can) when it's fake; and when it's fake, it's worthless.

Appreciation usually takes the form of a few words, a sentence is enough, or a term of affection (e.g., "Thanks sweet meat"), or a treat of some sort (whatever that may be) or a pat on the behind, or whatever. I'm not talking anything difficult to do, and, I guess, it all can be faked, but, I'm mostly asking about a situation where it's not there, at least not seemingly so.

Is it considered fair, to the dynamic, to communicate the need.
The answer seems to be, for the most part, "yes, of course" (if done right).

My point of view on this is that, if I'm going to try hard to learn what someone else wants, needs, and enjoys, and if I go the extra mile to supply that, in any way that I can, then, I would want to "feel" appreciated for doing that. In fact, if I'm not "feeling" appreciated, then I'll take my services elsewhere, as that's a key part of the dynamic that I am hard wired to enjoy.

This is not a real Master:slave relationship we're talking about. It's a person-to-person relationship that I wish to form.
If I feel, deep inside, that appreciation isn't going to be forthright for the effort I put in, I have three choices:
1. Leave
2. Whine

What brought up this question was the third choice:
3. Communicate

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RE: Is asking for appreciation considered topping from ... - 2/16/2015 3:46:07 PM   
crumpets


Posts: 1614
Joined: 11/5/2014
From: South Bay (SF & Silicon Valley)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shiftyw
I need to feel wanted and loved and that shows his appreciation. And I think vice versa too.
Is that more along the lines of what you mean?


Yes. True appreciation needs no words. It just has to be felt.

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