Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Safe word <3


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Safe word <3 Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Safe word <3 - 2/24/2015 8:39:39 PM   
caelestis


Posts: 195
Joined: 9/6/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MalcolmNathaniel

FR: Very few of the people here who said they don't have a safe word convinced me. "Stop" is a safe word. "Enough" is a safe word.

Trusting the other person to be aware at all times is dangerous. Just like there is a thing called sub-space there is a thing called top-space. It is entirely possible for your dom to need to be snapped out of it if he is actually, for real, hurting you. This especially true in edge-play.


I've used both of those words before and he hasn't stopped. If he doesn't want to stop, he doesn't unless I inform him that there is a bad, unintended pain happening. Then sometimes he just fixes that issue then goes on. He decides when I've had enough, and that makes both of us happy. I've got a 24/7 CNC relationship, some people consider that on it's own edge play.

As far as him needing "to be snapped out of it" I wouldn't be in this kind of relationship if he so easily lost control of himself. Just like he expects me to still communicate issues when I'm in subspace, I expect him to listen when I communicate issues. I imagine someone that lost control in this way wouldn't necessarily be someone who acknowledged a safe word anyway and isn't someone I'd risk playing with.

< Message edited by caelestis -- 2/24/2015 8:40:43 PM >

_____________________________

"We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. Beautiful in the concept, if we're lucky, but frequently tedious or regrettable as we flesh ourselves out."
— Gregory Maguire



(in reply to MalcolmNathaniel)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Safe word <3 - 2/24/2015 8:59:03 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		No safeword here. In our "edgeplay" the gear and/or acts are the means by which we emotionally connect. It is a very empathetic connection and we read each other very well. No safeword needed because I know what she feels by her body language, her breathing, the look in her eyes, the arch of her back, the curling of her toes and the sound of her moans.

The same goes when playing with someone new. We "play" with them because we want to connect with them. And I like feedback . . . plain English works just fine. I want hear "oh my god that feels good" or "Sir, I think my uterus just fell off."

I like when sacrifice is part of edgeplay. I like it when their pain is not sexually or physically pleasant and they endure suffering for me. Pain is considered an emotional response. For example when you cut yourself and don't know it, but when you see the cut, only then does it start to hurt. So the "limits" at the point someone would normally use a safeword are set by their emotional response. If you are emotionally connected and loaded with endorphins, their limits are changed and dissolved by the depth of the emotional connection. When we are connected like that, she is able and willing to experience things that would be damaging. I have to use my judgment to guide our "play" and not damage her. The depth of our emotional connection is far greater than the limits of her flesh.

On rare occasion I will help a friend top their play partner, I think a safeword is appropriate. In those cases where I am not familiar with my play partner, their Dom usually tells me what queues to look for like open hand vs fist, curling toes and etc. They also outline the framework to play within.

So I think safewords are a form of communication and communication is important. But in my relationship(s), our communication isn't done with a safeword, it's by other means.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to InkedupKitty)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Safe word <3 - 2/26/2015 2:06:10 PM   
GotSteel


Posts: 5871
Joined: 2/19/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MalcolmNathaniel
FR: Very few of the people here who said they don't have a safe word convinced me. "Stop" is a safe word. "Enough" is a safe word.


I think there's a couple of different conversations going on here. To me and it seems most others here "safeword" is a sort of magic word that makes the scene stop instead of using normal communication. As such some here are saying they don't have a specific magic word and simply communicate normally using the full english language. Others are saying that not only is there no magic word there's no any kind of words, the dom decides when the scene stops and that's it.

I would agree that those two groups mean VERY different things when they say "we don't have a safeword" but I would disagree with you in that I think that both groups are making true statements when they say "we don't have a safeword".

(in reply to MalcolmNathaniel)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Safe word <3 - 2/26/2015 2:47:48 PM   
shiftyw


Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline 		I have been thinking about this.

Maybe I like a safeword so it can't be construed as something that was part of the scene after. You can't pretend you thought stop meant more, if I'm not screaming stop. But in the end I don't think it really matters anyways, of someone is going to break your consent, they are just going to do it.


This type of conversation makes me feel like...I'm incapable of the level of trust. Perhaps meaning I should stop engaging in this, or even just stop having sex. Idk- it puts me in a weird mood.

(in reply to GotSteel)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Safe word <3 - 2/26/2015 6:31:12 PM   
oldspankster


Posts: 12
Joined: 1/31/2015
Status: offline 		It depends on your play level some.

Personally I like safe words.

But does not have to be words at all.

Sometimes holding a scarf, and if it hits the floor, it's time to reevaluate.

(in reply to shiftyw)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Safe word <3 - 2/27/2015 8:11:11 AM   
Bhruic


Posts: 985
Joined: 4/11/2012
From: Toronto, Canada
Status: offline 		If the definition of a safe word is something you can say to your partner to let them know that you want to stop, that you are in distress, or that something is wrong, then probably everyone has a safe word... for some it will simply be "no" or "stop" or some everyday way of communication.

For people who enjoy role play, where begging or resistance is part of the play, obviously "no" or "stop" don't make good safe words, as they are part of the scene... then you choose some unusual word so your partner knows when there is something wrong or you want to stop.

Then there are those who say their sub/slave is not permitted to stop the scene when they are in distress or something is wrong, because they have an infallible ability to intuitively know when such a thing is happening. They, of course, do not need a safe word, because they are not playing safe.

... That's not a judgement, just a statement. Like tightrope walkers who uses no safety equipment. They rely on their skill and experience, and consider it safe therefore. Safety equipment would ruin the thrill. That's their prerogative. But the unanticipated sometimes happens, and it doesn't end well.


< Message edited by Bhruic -- 2/27/2015 8:55:20 AM >

_____________________________

pronounced "VROOick"

(in reply to MercTech)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Safe word <3 - 2/27/2015 9:08:33 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Hey, don't be so hard on yourself!

Safewords can be really useful, and in some situations/relationships/scenes they can be vital.

Of course in other situations/relationships/scenes they may be completely redundant.

In my younger, way more promiscuous, years safewords were as much a protection for me as they were my partner.

In longer term relationships, they've nearly always become redundant, but there are exceptions - Some people have had experiences in the past, or have reactions to play that make it difficult (if not impossible) to express a desire for things to stop. There's no fault in that, and a person would have to be a bit of a dick to be disrespectful of that.

Of course, if I had a playmate safeword on me, after stopping at once, I'd want to get to the bottom of how I didn't manage to pick up on her distress, but I had a brilliant relationship with one girl who occasionally reacted to a scene in a way that wasn't predictable, and a safeword was very handy.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to shiftyw)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Safe word <3 - 2/27/2015 9:14:25 AM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Bhruic

If the definition of a safe word is something you can say to your partner to let them know that you want to stop, that you are in distress, or that something is wrong, then probably everyone has a safe word... for some it will simply be "no" or "stop" or some everyday way of communication.

For people who enjoy role play, where begging or resistance is part of the play, obviously "no" or "stop" don't make good safe words, as they are part of the scene... then you choose some unusual word so your partner knows when there is something wrong or you want to stop.

Then there are those who say their sub/slave is not permitted to stop the scene when they are in distress or something is wrong, because they have an infallible ability to intuitively know when such a thing is happening. They, of course, do not need a safe word, because they are not playing safe.

... That's not a judgement, just a statement. Like tightrope walkers who uses no safety equipment. They rely on their skill and experience, and consider it safe therefore. Safety equipment would ruin the thrill. That's their prerogative. But the unanticipated sometimes happens, and it doesn't end well.



^this^
I also wanted to pick up on something another poster said about the possible dangers of ‘Dom Space’. I can only imagine that some submissive types imagine ‘Dom Space’ to be something akin to ‘Sub Space’. I can’t talk for all dominants, only for myself and many other dominants I’ve talked to over the years. ‘Dom Space’ for me/us is a place where we become so utterly focused on our subject. Its encapsulating, as though you have gone into a mutual bubble and just like a dressage horse and rider, you dance together in harmony. You don’t space out, you don’t have difficulty communicating, in fact your communication is going to be more tuned in than ever before. Dom space for me is the true partnership between submissive and dominant and shouldn’t be confused or related to sub space.



_____________________________

My store is http://e-stimstore.com

(in reply to Bhruic)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Safe word <3 - 2/27/2015 9:30:52 AM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		Some submissives are overly hesitant about using a ‘safe word’ even when things are getting pretty unbearable and I’ve always found that worrying. Like crazyml said, ‘safe words’ can be as much protection for the dominant as they are for the submissive. No decent dominant wants their submissive whimpering in a corner when play has finished, accusing them of over stepping the mark. This is about mutual enjoyment at different ends of the scale and any dominant with an ounce of worth would be devastated to know they had really caused a person harm.

I’ve had people ‘safe word’ with me on quite a few occasions, which isn’t surprising as my play can be very edgy, but those submissives all know that at the point of that safe word, whatever I’m doing stops, I check in to ensure they are okay and then, if we are both happy, we divert the scene to something other than what we were doing. The use of a ‘safe word’ doesn’t mean all play has to stop and so using it isn’t a cop out but often just a signal that we need a diversion.


_____________________________

My store is http://e-stimstore.com

(in reply to MariaB)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Safe word <3 - 2/27/2015 9:34:45 AM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline 		We don't do edge play due to my health issues but at any time I can freely tell him it is too much. We've never had an official safe word or even discussed it because we've (or really I've) never felt the need for one. There have only been a couple of times where my pain level couldn't tolerate play so I told him when it veered toward 'bad' and he stopped. Thankfully there has never been any negative results from him, just understanding.

He pushes me in different ways other than pain.

_____________________________


~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).




(in reply to MariaB)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Safe word <3 - 2/27/2015 10:03:44 AM   
caelestis


Posts: 195
Joined: 9/6/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB


quote:

ORIGINAL: Bhruic

If the definition of a safe word is something you can say to your partner to let them know that you want to stop, that you are in distress, or that something is wrong, then probably everyone has a safe word... for some it will simply be "no" or "stop" or some everyday way of communication.

For people who enjoy role play, where begging or resistance is part of the play, obviously "no" or "stop" don't make good safe words, as they are part of the scene... then you choose some unusual word so your partner knows when there is something wrong or you want to stop.

Then there are those who say their sub/slave is not permitted to stop the scene when they are in distress or something is wrong, because they have an infallible ability to intuitively know when such a thing is happening. They, of course, do not need a safe word, because they are not playing safe.

... That's not a judgement, just a statement. Like tightrope walkers who uses no safety equipment. They rely on their skill and experience, and consider it safe therefore. Safety equipment would ruin the thrill. That's their prerogative. But the unanticipated sometimes happens, and it doesn't end well.



^this^
I also wanted to pick up on something another poster said about the possible dangers of ‘Dom Space’. I can only imagine that some submissive types imagine ‘Dom Space’ to be something akin to ‘Sub Space’. I can’t talk for all dominants, only for myself and many other dominants I’ve talked to over the years. ‘Dom Space’ for me/us is a place where we become so utterly focused on our subject. Its encapsulating, as though you have gone into a mutual bubble and just like a dressage horse and rider, you dance together in harmony. You don’t space out, you don’t have difficulty communicating, in fact your communication is going to be more tuned in than ever before. Dom space for me is the true partnership between submissive and dominant and shouldn’t be confused or related to sub space.




This is how I've always heard it described by people who I've played with, and I've topped a bit and gotten a little taste of it. This is why I trust my Master, and why we can play the way we do. When we're both in our respective headspaces communication flows so easily. There have been times where he's been able to tell what's wrong from just a whimper/wiggle. Granted, I still can't recommend our style of play for many, and especially not for those who are playing more casually. It could easily be disastrous
.

_____________________________

"We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. Beautiful in the concept, if we're lucky, but frequently tedious or regrettable as we flesh ourselves out."
— Gregory Maguire



(in reply to MariaB)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Safe word <3 - 2/27/2015 10:10:21 AM   
GoddessManko


Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline 		Thinking it through I think the reason I have never required a safe word is because I like a variation of things going on at the same time. So I won't be doing an hour long whipping session in other words. Once my sub hits subspace and I'm deep into Dommespace I stop. Two hours seems to be how long my play lasts consistently. I check the time before and after.

< Message edited by GoddessManko -- 2/27/2015 10:11:19 AM >

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to caelestis)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Safe word <3 - 2/27/2015 3:25:50 PM   
MistressFiera


Posts: 18
Joined: 12/17/2010
Status: offline 		I am glad you asked this question! I have a lot of experience with electric sounds and one night I wanted to really push my submissive hard.

Everyone talks about safe words and even though I have NEVER heard him call a safe word he has always known he has one. We have been together nearly 5 years.

So on this particular night I was in the middle of my scene and the sound was already in his penis and he is doing really well on level 6 when I decided that he could go higher. Since that was the case I wanted to not only go to level 8 on my TENS unit but I wanted to stay between a 6-8 for a longer time than usual. It was at that moment that it occurred to me that here I have a guy loving this but literally screaming bloody murder. How am I going to push this guy and know if he is still consenting? Would he remember his safe words? Was it the right thing to do? I was the one in charge so I was the one who had to live with my decision. I really debated it in my mind.

I remembered times when I really thought I was pushing him with some other implement and he would later say oh I wish you'd done more needles or you could have paddled me longer I was really flying and I wished you hadn't stopped.

Okay so I looked in his eyes and I pointed my finger into his eyes and then back into mine making sure he held perfect eye contact. My last thought before I turned up the electricity was I have to trust him. I have to trust that he will call if he has to. We held eye contact very closely and I have to say that I have the image of his eyes burned into my mind forever. He was grunting and pushing himself hard all the way through it and he totally did it and we both regard that scene as a very successful scene but man it was a hard decision to make. We have had many conversations about that scene and if he felt I did the right thing to press on.

He says that he trusted me to be able to read him. Because of the level of pain I told him I just wasn't sure if I would recognize love it or hate it. I told him I chose to trust him and just watch him like a hawk. He said that he would have told me if he couldn't handle it. So it was because of that scene that I realized that even the longtime hard players need safe words. I felt at that moment more than any other EVER that I hoped like hell he would use his colors if he had to because if he could not do that much for me then he would not get to go that high again because I would never be able to be sure I had his consent.

There is no shame in using a safe word and if you decide to use them then use it when you need to. Not doing so is a violation of trust in my opinion. As a dominant I need it to keep you safe. Submissives do like to be pushed when they are ready for it and when that time comes you want to be in a position that every one in the scene knows that they can trust you to do the right thing whether you are on top or bottom. Though another thing I have learned is that there is always next time so if I had decided not to push harder, that would have been okay too!

(in reply to GoddessManko)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Safe word <3 - 2/27/2015 3:29:59 PM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline 		It's just easier for me to ask "Is it safe".



_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to MistressFiera)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Safe word <3 - 2/27/2015 3:35:40 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		I don't know why everyone considers it a badge of honor to not have a safeword.

I guess no one ever went too far with you, someone you trusted for years, but they decided their excitement was more important than your safety.

I guess no one ever used their safe word and had it ignored.

I guess no one ever had to go to the hospital a few days after having their safeword ignored.

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Safe word <3 - 2/27/2015 3:42:48 PM   
littleladybug


Posts: 1082
Joined: 5/30/2013
Status: offline 		Having a safeword is no guarantee that things won't go too far.

I personally wouldn't think that a safeword would be any shield against abuse. If someone is going to do what they are going to do regardless, saying "red" ain't gonna stop things.

Where it does work, in my experience, is with someone who is on the same page that I am-- who is taking into account my own pleasure in what is going on. If someone is going to go too far, no safeword is going to help.

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Safe word <3 - 2/27/2015 4:23:48 PM   
stef


Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littleladybug

Having a safeword is no guarantee that things won't go too far.

LIES! Of course it will keep you safe, they couldn't call it a safeword if it didn't!


< Message edited by stef -- 2/27/2015 4:24:03 PM >

_____________________________

Welcome to PoliticSpace! If you came here expecting meaningful BDSM discussions, boy are you in the wrong place.

"Hypocrisy has consequences"

(in reply to littleladybug)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Safe word <3 - 2/27/2015 5:25:47 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: InkedupKitty

Does anyone else not have a safe word? And why?
And if you do, what's yours?
If I can get my hands to him I just tap a few times.
Other than that he seems to know if/when to stop.

Really should consider one, I'm still only playing around with light stuff <3


Mine is....."MORE MONEY!!!!!"

(I blame m'sef).

(in reply to InkedupKitty)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Safe word <3 - 2/27/2015 6:33:03 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

For me, not having a safe word doesn't mean Im more badass. It doesn't mean Im more hardcore. I honestly just haven't ever been pushed to a point with my guy where I felt I needed to stop what was going on. We don't have it because we just don't felt the need for one. But I do know that if he ever said hold on or that he was in pain, Id stop shit immediately. Same thing goes for him if I ever indicated in any way that I was in any sort of distress.

And those who need/want/have one in their dynamic definitely shouldn't feel like they aren't badass or that they aren't hardcore. In all honesty, it's admirable that you (general you) have a way of chilling things out with your partner if you need one. And that they respect and care for you enough to honor it.

I always keep in mind that a safe word is only as good as the person who honors it if you use it.

< Message edited by SeekingTrinity -- 2/27/2015 6:36:18 PM >

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Safe word <3 - 2/27/2015 7:18:37 PM   
satanscharmer


Posts: 376
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I don't know why everyone considers it a badge of honor to not have a safeword.

I guess no one ever went too far with you, someone you trusted for years, but they decided their excitement was more important than your safety.

I guess no one ever used their safe word and had it ignored.

I guess no one ever had to go to the hospital a few days after having their safeword ignored.



I don't consider it a badge of honor.
Those cases above isn't a matter of safe word vs. no safe word, it's a matter of being with a jerk, or idiot, or an abuser...IMHO.


(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 60
Page:   <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Safe word <3 Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.188