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RE: Safe word <3 - 2/27/2015 7:30:40 PM

shiftyw

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I think red's point is- once you've been with one of them- sometimes you need a security blanket even when there is no danger- and a safe word might be a false sense of security- but at least its something to cling to. At least thats how I feel about it, if I'm really honest.

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RE: Safe word <3 - 2/27/2015 8:10:33 PM

satanscharmer

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If that's the case, that I understand.
I can think of several cases where I think I would require a safe word. Having had a horrible past experience would certainly be one of them.

It just depends on the people involved, preferences and comfort. I do not think either is wrong or better. I don't believe either proves more trust in a relationship, either.
I definitely wouldn't want people first starting out to hear/read/think it better/cooler/whatever to not have one. I do happen to think they're quite brilliant.

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RE: Safe word <3 - 2/28/2015 2:16:59 AM

MariaB

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Safe words are only good up to a point and depending on what you’re doing, may or may not be necessary. Some couples verbally communicate a lot more than others.
It also depends what you’re doing.

When I’m using needles and cannulas; catheters or electrodes I’m more in nursing mode where I'm reassuring them and working with them right up to the point of them spacing out; when that happens I become their gatekeeper allowing that journey and knowing when to bring them back. Presently there are only two people I do this with because with both these people, I strongly identify with their journey which brings about a huge amount of pleasure for both of us.

I also love doing organized group interrogation type scenes with people who don’t know me well. I love using creativity and coming up with new ideas. As an interrogator the only communication appears to be tough, uncaring and cruel and it’s the least likely scenario where a sub will use the safe word they have been given. People who get involved in group kidnap/interrogation scenes do so because they really do want to feel frightened; its often something they’ve fantasized about for years. That controlled fear can quickly get out of control where the submissive no longer believes he’s in a scene and he’s certainly not capable of using a safe word. I have done group scenarios like this where we have placed a psychologist as a mole with the captives and we have always had to pull some people out because they aren’t coping. That's the sort of play where risk assessment and monitering is far more important than a random safe word.

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RE: Safe word <3 - 2/28/2015 3:58:51 AM

GotSteel

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quote:

ORIGINAL: shiftyw
Maybe I like a safeword so it can't be construed as something that was part of the scene after. You can't pretend you thought stop meant more, if I'm not screaming stop. But in the end I don't think it really matters anyways, of someone is going to break your consent, they are just going to do it.

There's some real intimacy and need for trust there which done right is great: http://www.livescience.com/34832-bdsm-healthy-psychology.html

But done wrong....huge potential for abuse exists there....

quote:

ORIGINAL: shiftyw
This type of conversation makes me feel like...I'm incapable of the level of trust. Perhaps meaning I should stop engaging in this, or even just stop having sex. Idk- it puts me in a weird mood.

I'm sorry to hear that shifty, I wish you the best.

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RE: Safe word <3 - 2/28/2015 8:29:18 AM

caelestis

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littleladybug

Having a safeword is no guarantee that things won't go too far.

I personally wouldn't think that a safeword would be any shield against abuse. If someone is going to do what they are going to do regardless, saying "red" ain't gonna stop things.

Where it does work, in my experience, is with someone who is on the same page that I am-- who is taking into account my own pleasure in what is going on. If someone is going to go too far, no safeword is going to help.

Very much this. I've had my safeword ignored and it's a very shaking, frightening experience. My current Master has worked a lot to build to the level of trust we now have. He worked with me through a lot of issues I had from the person who did this. That's why I'm able to trust him enough now to play without a safeword, its not like we started the relationship this way.

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RE: Safe word <3 - 2/28/2015 8:30:38 AM

catize

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quote:

ORIGINAL: shiftyw
This type of conversation makes me feel like...I'm incapable of the level of trust. Perhaps meaning I should stop engaging in this, or even just stop having sex. Idk- it puts me in a weird mood.

I have been with several dominants who insisted we have a safe word. All of them said they needed to trust me as much as I trusted them; and the safeword was imperative to our S&M play for that reason.

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RE: Safe word <3 - 3/4/2015 11:39:38 AM

Bhruic

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I'm curious... For those who have siblings... when you were kids, did you ever say "uncle" while rough housing or in a tickle fight? Sure, things can escalate more when we were kids, but we still saw the value of a safe word. Just because we are adults doesn't mean we have become perfectly sensitive... even though it is very romantic to think so.

You may go a long time without feeling the need for a safe word... maybe forever. But if you do end up at a place where you think "Maybe we should have had a safe word" it feels to me like it might be too late at that point... and for me, I don't know if the possible risk to the relationship is worth that little extra thrill of no safe word.

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RE: Safe word <3 - 3/4/2015 11:57:08 AM

DesFIP

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Safewords are only useful if you can use them. If I have a cramp or a position is hurting, I'll tell him that. If he hits an emotional trigger, I freeze. I don't look at him, I try to avoid physical contact, I go nonverbal.

At that point it's up to him to realize that my typical reactions have swung 180 degrees. Which he does.

I view safewords like air bags in cars. I've never had an accident where the air bag inflated. I've had accidents where the car required thousands to repair. The safeword, like the airbag is just another level of safety. But you can't not wear your seat belt and just trust in the air bag. Same here.

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RE: Safe word <3 - 3/4/2015 1:49:37 PM

MissKatya

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Just remember to know how to pronounce your safe word correctly or this may happen.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QxCpBSDiPNc

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RE: Safe word <3 - 3/4/2015 5:09:22 PM

tiggerspoohbear

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RE: Safe word <3 - 3/4/2015 5:59:37 PM

UnholyBear

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quote:

ORIGINAL: satanscharmer

.....It just depends on the people involved, preferences and comfort. I do not think either is wrong or better. I don't believe either proves more trust in a relationship, either.
I definitely wouldn't want people first starting out to hear/read/think it better/cooler/whatever to not have one. I do happen to think they're quite brilliant.

I think this is pretty much the general attitude of many people I know and including myself.

Yes there people who feel that having a unique safe word is a must for them and that is valid and the same applies to people who feel it isn't necessary; which is something that is valid to the individual.

I have negotiated scenes where the dom/top wanted to set in place a safe word just in case I needed to use it at any time. Otherwise I don't bother to include that in the preplay negotiations. I am very selective in deciding who I will play with and it has always been mutually acceptable that if I need a short breather or need to work out a cramp before continuing, i find it effective to simple state I need a time out for a minute. All play stops until I indicate I am ready to continue. This method I also use when I am topping someone.

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