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RE: Anti Poly - 7/16/2006 4:51:08 AM   
puella


Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		Hello ShiftedJewel,

I would agree with your being opposed to that statement, were it not for the actual nature of the OP.    It is not to discuss the view point of why people have decided poly is for them, but rather why they have decided it is not.  (Both equally legitimate opinions and decisions)  Within the idea that you have made the decision against entering into a poly relationship, the notation that many poly relationships have failed is also legitimate, for it is from the reasons of those failures that you will find out if it is likely to be something that would affect you to fail in a similar way, or be effected negatively in a similar way (and thus generate a similar if not same hurt or destructive occurrence in yourself)..... Just my opinion, mind you.

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Anti Poly - 7/16/2006 4:54:42 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel

OK, I'm poly, involved in a very happy triad at this time. So, apparently I'm all for it. I just wanted to say that I really do understand that there are people that are just not wired for poly, it isn't something that interests them in any way, shape, or form, and that's great, really it is. Personally I really appreciate the honesty and the fact that they know themselves that well.
 
What I don't like, what really grates on my last nerve and I've heard it sooooo many times now that I just had to say something here....

quote:

I've witnessed many failed and heartbreaking attempts at such a relationship, 


Please, for the love of the Goddess.... STOP IT!! I can come back on that with "I bet you haven't seen as many poly relationships hit the ashes as you have mono ones but you're still doin' mono.... right??" I can see it if a person has tried poly and it didn't work, then they tried mono and it didn't work then they said f*ck it and didn't do any relationships, then it would be a feasible argument... but then again if everyone did that it would also cut down on the population growth. Ok, that way my mini rant for the day.
 
Jewel


But, it was a good rant, Jewel .

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(in reply to ShiftedJewel)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Anti Poly - 7/16/2006 5:00:30 AM   
ScooterTrash


Posts: 1407
Joined: 1/24/2005
From: Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: puella

Hello ShiftedJewel,

I would agree with your being opposed to that statement, were it not for the actual nature of the OP.    It is not to discuss the view point of why people have decided poly is for them, but rather why they have decided it is not.  (Both equally legitimate opinions and decisions)  Within the idea that you have made the decision against entering into a poly relationship, the notation that many poly relationships have failed is also legitimate, for it is from the reasons of those failures that you will find out if it is likely to be something that would affect you to fail in a similar way, or be effected negatively in a similar way (and thus generate a similar if not same hurt or destructive occurrence in yourself)..... Just my opinion, mind you.
Her point was simply, that if your opposed to "any" relationship...that it should be based on valid reasoning other than..I have seen it fail. Stating you aren't into (insert "mono" or "poly" here) because of being witness to it not working..simply isn't valid...well unless someone is opposed to "all" relationships for this reason...then I would have to agree. Sounds life a tough way to go through life however.

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Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Anti Poly - 7/16/2006 5:08:47 AM   
PlayfulOne


Posts: 1047
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel

OK, I'm poly, involved in a very happy triad at this time. So, apparently I'm all for it. I just wanted to say that I really do understand that there are people that are just not wired for poly, it isn't something that interests them in any way, shape, or form, and that's great, really it is. Personally I really appreciate the honesty and the fact that they know themselves that well.
 
What I don't like, what really grates on my last nerve and I've heard it sooooo many times now that I just had to say something here....

quote:

I've witnessed many failed and heartbreaking attempts at such a relationship, 


Please, for the love of the Goddess.... STOP IT!! I can come back on that with "I bet you haven't seen as many poly relationships hit the ashes as you have mono ones but you're still doin' mono.... right??" I can see it if a person has tried poly and it didn't work, then they tried mono and it didn't work then they said f*ck it and didn't do any relationships, then it would be a feasible argument... but then again if everyone did that it would also cut down on the population growth. Ok, that way my mini rant for the day.
 
Jewel


Preach on sister, lol.   The other addition is people who say, "I am to self centered" or "I have to be the center of attention" to be in a poly relationship  but they can't seem to figure out why their mono relationships are not working out.  Same reasons.

You either are or your not, whats the big deal? 

K

< Message edited by PlayfulOne -- 7/16/2006 5:10:57 AM >

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Anti Poly - 7/16/2006 5:11:09 AM   
puella


Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		...very true ScooterTrash, but no one who has responded to the OP has used that as their sole reason for not wanting poly (in fact in that quote.. it wasn't even the end of her sentence...), it was just a part of their res pone.

Her whole sentence, and post was quite relevant.. taking a slice kind of broke up her original thought due to a hiccup that got someone upset...

quote:

ORIGINAL: GothiqueKajira

I don't do poly for a few reasons. I've witnessed many failed and heartbreaking attempts at such a relationship, the wife/girlfriend in the relationship could easily get jealous and call the whole thing off, leaving me having spent all this time with someone.. getting to know and care for them, and then to be cast aside because she was there first.. I understand that must sound horrible.. but It's just my opinion..  and lastly.. I am just simply far too greedy for such a relationship. I cannot share someone. People aren't toys.. they aren't meant to be shared and passed around like their objects.

I'm terribly sorry if I offended anyone with my words.


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Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Anti Poly - 7/16/2006 5:13:55 AM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: puella

Hello ShiftedJewel,

I would agree with your being opposed to that statement, were it not for the actual nature of the OP.    It is not to discuss the view point of why people have decided poly is for them, but rather why they have decided it is not.  (Both equally legitimate opinions and decisions)  Within the idea that you have made the decision against entering into a poly relationship, the notation that many poly relationships have failed is also legitimate, for it is from the reasons of those failures that you will find out if it is likely to be something that would affect you to fail in a similar way, or be effected negatively in a similar way (and thus generate a similar if not same hurt or destructive occurrence in yourself)..... Just my opinion, mind you.


puella... you stated this in a way that makes it somewhat more clear... I believe what you are saying is that they have seen the things that make a poly relationship fail and understand that from their point of view any attempt by them would have the same end result... because they know themselves and know that those, or similar  circumstances would occur... am I close? But even then I would have to say the same thing. Mono relationships fail just as often, for a lot of the same reasons and in many cases with just as much psychological damage and very rarely do I see someone state that they wouldn't enter a mono relationship because they have seen the end results of bad ones. That's almost like saying... I saw the news and a plane crashed... therefore all air planes will fall outta of the sky. Poly is just like any other relationship... you pays your money and takes your chances.
 
Just to make things a little clearer, the relationship I have with my husband is one that is normally only read about in fairy tales. He is wonderful, intelligent, easy to talk to, fun to be with, he is my very best friend in the whole world. Our relationship was perfect to begin with, because of that we were able to introduce poly with a lot less effort then most that just jump in with both feet and eyes closed. But, it wasn't the first relationship for either of us, we both failed miserably in previous attempts. If either one of us had taken the attitude that it was doomed to failure, well, you speak it into existance and it will happen. I think that's my biggest issue, don't doom it to failure before even trying.
 
Ok, before I have to pull out the asbestos suit... I'm not saying that everyone should try it first... what I'm saying is don't use that reasoning, don't kill it before you fully understand it. Relationships fail... period. Mono, poly, triad... they all risk failure. That's no excuse to exclude all or any of them... "can't" never did anything, "try" was the successful one. If nothing else, try to understand it.
 
Jewel

edited to add....

I'm sorry if it sounded like I was upset... I wasn't... and I intentionally took that line out of context because it's something I've heard soooo many times in the past... and it just strikes me as silly.. my mini rant wasn't meant for anyone in particular and I'm not in the least bit upset... just extemely outspoken..lol  I do whole heartedly apologize if it seemed like I was attacking her reasoning... it wasn't meant to do that, it was meant to attack that particular (not hers) line of reasoning... I hope that made sense.

< Message edited by ShiftedJewel -- 7/16/2006 5:18:32 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Anti Poly - 7/16/2006 5:34:29 AM   
puella


Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		Hey no problem.. I was just trying to add clarity... which is a rarity...heh, I am a great muddler!

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Anti Poly - 7/16/2006 7:12:07 AM   
Sunshine119


Posts: 611
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline 		*fast reply*

Why don't I want a poly relationship?  Simple.  I'm not bisexual and He isn't into sharing me.  Now, I could fully imagine another woman in our home that was a friend and a confidant to me while playing with Him.  With both He and I working full-time and having demanding careers, it might be nice to have someone to help with all the work around the house....lol.  But operating as a full sexual triad?  Hmmm...I'm just not wired that way.


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Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Anti Poly - 7/16/2006 7:46:34 AM   
MrDiscipline44


Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline 		Well, I for one, am poly and I enjoy it's lifestyle and most of the people it brings me in contact with. Poly is a lifestyle very seperate from BDSM. It isn't about everyone sleeping with everyone else in the house, it's about everyone caring about everyone else in the house.

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Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Anti Poly - 7/16/2006 7:49:13 AM   
Caretakr


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Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44

Well, I for one, am poly and I enjoy it's lifestyle and most of the people it brings me in contact with. Poly is a lifestyle very seperate from BDSM. It isn't about everyone sleeping with everyone else in the house, it's about everyone caring about everyone else in the house.


Nodding, it's not all about fucking.

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Anti Poly - 7/16/2006 8:03:55 AM   
champagnewishes


Posts: 1310
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Orange County
Status: offline 		I have only the highest regards for those living in a poly household.  It exudes a perfect, positive and productive dynamic. 

I see it as a fault in myself that i am unable to find my own comfort zone that would allow me to live poly.  Or maybe it's that i have simply never met the right people that have allowed me to discover this comfort..............yet.

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Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Anti Poly - 7/16/2006 8:31:33 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Fast Reply:

There is nothing inherently wrong with being poly. People have been poly throughout time. It works well in other cultures around the world today. Sometimes it doesn't work well also, just like in monogamous marriage. Marriage has a different function in different societies also. So the same pressures we put on marriages here are different elsewhere. My point is all the people saying they are not "wired" for it were not raised in a place where that is the cultural norm. It is not something looked upon positively here. It is not an expected lifestyle that most of us grew up aspiring to socially. We were culturally wired for something else, monogamy... although that doesn't seem to work well for many of us either, it is at least comfortable.

When the girl noted that she has seen many poly relationships fail, of course this stands out to her, poly is not in the norm. She sees someone poly and the problems that they have and her culture has taught her nothing about solving them.. so her response is that she doesn't see how it could work.. it isn't an insult, it is just that it is outside of her cultural experience.

For those brave people that are poly inside this culture... have patience with those of us that have no desire to break out of that mold or who have tried it but failed..It really isn't all that surprising, is it?

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 7/16/2006 8:32:26 AM >

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Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

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Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Anti Poly - 7/16/2006 9:23:51 AM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		Seems to me the OP was to ask about the personal reasons that those who aren't attracted to the poly lifestyle aren't attracted.  The intention was not to denigrate polyamorous life and I really don't see that anyone has.  There's no more and no less wrong with the monogamous lifestyle than the poly lifestyle.  The poster who said that every poly relationship she's seen fails, said that because every poly relationship she's seen fails.  That's her experience and her truth.  You don't know her, so you aren't part of her truth.  By reading posts of those who are doing it successfully, ShiftedJewel, Scootertrash and twicehappy, Discipline and his girls, Knight of Mists and his girls, she may learn that it can be successful and meaningful for all involved and that it doesn't have to fail.  I don't think she was being unsupportive or insulting in her expression of her feelings, she was using her personal experience as her barometer, which is what we all do. 

How do I know I'm not wired for it?  Because I've given it an attempt.  It simply does not work for me.  It does make me wonder how people can make it work because I can't, but it doesn't make me think they're horrible people because of it. 

I guess, what I'm trying to say, in my ramble, is that no one posting their feelings here is judging the poly lifestyle negatively.



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Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

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Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Anti Poly - 7/16/2006 10:01:41 AM   
puella


Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		That's a good point, feastie.

As legitimate as it is for those who have tried it and it works for them, it is as equally legitimate for those who have tried it and it does not work for them.

Just because you are not poly does not mean that .. hmm I guess that you are just a failure and not getting it... it just means you are not poly or wired for poly or what have you.  I do find that (a lot of the time, not all the time) there is a sort of misconception that because you have decided poly is not for you, it is some sort of personality disorder (okay maybe that's a bit strong, but I can't find the right word) or lack of confidence or security or maturation on your part. And perhaps sometimes it is... but I do not think it is fair to pin it  lacks or failures in a person.  I think it may well just be something as simple as... it is not something that makes me flourish as a person,and sometimes even.. it is something that withers something inside me as a person, and the way that I love, and process love.

Dunno!

(in reply to feastie)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Anti Poly - 7/16/2006 10:31:20 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		~ fast reply ~

I am open to poly,  knowing Master has works with others from time to time, this could be a possibility in my future.  He believes I am ready for such a dynamic, and I know should the opportunity present itself, it would not surprise me to ultimately have a "sister" slave to serve Master alongside me. 

This was actually attempted twice.  Both times were friends of mine who I introduced to him.  They were both girls whom I trusted.  Neither situation worked out.  Friend #1 decided she wanted to be the only one to serve him, and her attempts at being so ultimately found her on the outside.  It was painful for me, but Master handled it.  Friend #2 was too torn with the idea of serving her friend's Master (not wanting to hurt me despite my reassurances) while discovering her jealousy of me at the same time.  She was given the option to serve or go, and she left.  There are no hard feelings between she and I, and while we lost touch over time, I would embrace her if I ran into her again.  I do not forgive lies very easily, so I would not be embracing Friend #1, unless it was to hold her in place before smacking her, lol.

As I have heard repeatedly regarding poly, and would agree with, trust is such a huge issue.  The slaves/submissives must trust each other and be trustworthy to each other.  And they must trust the  Master/Dominant to handle any challenges that come up.  Because of my past efforts which proved painful to me, I see poly arrangements as requiring a ton of effort.  While I can not relate to a Dominant's perspective in such an arrangment, I can only surmise that the work required is worth the reward in the end. 

As for my own perspective, I have enough trust in my Master to know that anyone he might introduce to me is one he finds valuable enough to do so, and therefore I would trust his judgment and direction on it (let me qualify this remark by saying it is not a reflection on anyone who does not want poly somehow not trusting enough.  It is a remark about myself only, and speaks of my own trust with Master. There was a time, open as I was to poly, I did not trust him enough to guide me through it.  Now I do).  He is not in the habit of setting me up for failure, and he always listens to my concerns when I share them.  As long as I continue to trust him and follow his direction, I will be fine in any situation - poly or not.  Frankly, I think it would be enjoyable to serve with someone special alongside me, and to have such a connection that I could share such a bond with.  By reading about the successes of those involved in poly arrangements, I have faith that such a connection can exist.

(in reply to puella)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Anti Poly - 7/16/2006 10:39:56 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I wasn't attempting to deingrate anyone, if you thought that you were mistaken.

I was merely pointing out that poly is not a part of our cultural experience.. if you think I am wrong about that, well that is your opinion.

I have studied polyandry and polygamy in other cultures, perhaps my input was unwelcomed by some, perhaps it would be welcomed by others...

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 7/16/2006 10:43:53 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Anti Poly - 7/16/2006 11:14:22 AM   
ImpGrrl


Posts: 575
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Caretakr
The only problem I have with it, is when it is used as a puffed up rationalization to swing.  I have nothing against either practice,only with them being misrepresented.

There is a difference between family,and a revolving door to the bedroom.


For some people, "swinging" (or open, non-monogamous, sex lives without "relationships" - which isn't always swinging, but I think you're including it) is *part* of their poly. 

Sir and I are poly.  We are currently not involved with anyone else, but we have close friends with whom we play and have sex from time to time.  We also occasionally find new people to have fun with.  That's still *part* of our poly.

And then, there's a middle ground, between "family" and "revolving bedroom door".  If he or I want to have a relationship outside the primary relationship, we will.  And it's not necessary that the other be involved.  That doesn't really fit "family", either.

(in reply to Caretakr)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Anti Poly - 7/16/2006 11:16:48 AM   
ImpGrrl


Posts: 575
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sharainks
Being a woman I can't see two or more women really getting along when it comes to cooking, raising unmentionables, cleaning or any number of things.


What about lesbian relationships?

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Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Anti Poly - 7/16/2006 11:22:24 AM   
ImpGrrl


Posts: 575
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: puella

What I find really offensive is the view point that the reason some people don't do poly is because they have 'hang ups'.


I don't like that either.  It's equally as offensive as those who *aren't* into poly saying that all poly people can't commit, or other stupid things.

I'm not saying you said that puella (puellae, puellae, puellam, puella, puellae)  - just that some people do.

(in reply to puella)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Anti Poly - 7/16/2006 11:26:00 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		I had to chuckle at the revolving bedroom door comment. When Marie and I were married, the three of us shared the same customed built bed. We each got what sex we wanted any time no hassles. two somes or threes. That was just the way we were. The point is that we were a loving and caring family  (well as much as a Prussian/Dansk/Irish/Scot married to a red haired Scottish/Irish woman can be ). Currently Neets and I are in a poly relationship. We have another girl friend living with us which is a non sexual situation and this gf is also a Dominant Woman.. This will be extrended when and if we add a slave or two to the live in family. I've already commented on the sexual situation which will be present and that is a seperate issue from the poly makeup of the home when that occurs.. Neets and I both believe that we have the right to live in what ever configuration or mix of people which may or may not include sexual activities with persons other than that between Neets and I, as we believethat others have the right to decide their own mix be it poly or not.... 

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Master of Bruin Cottage

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Profile   Post #: 60
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