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Stalking in kink land - 11/13/2015 11:30:54 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		So, New Mod and I have been talking the last couple of days and we came to an understanding about giving this topic it's own thread. The idea is to share experiences, advice, and anything else that can try to help people. Hopefully, we're going to do it in a way that the Mod doesn't have to do a bunch of edits/removals.

Somebody's going to ask, so I might as well answer the question. Why is this thread going to General BDSM Discussion, rather than Off Topic. (It might get moved for all I know.) One reason for that is because I happen to be of the opinion that we've got a higher rate in our kink communities than our vanilla counterparts. On another thread, I listed the stat that one in twelve women will have a stalker in her lifetime. If I asked twelve (vanilla) women in my neighborhood, I'd probably find the one who has had a stalker. If I asked twelve women at the local dungeon and I only found one, I'd probably be shocked.

Also, really big for me is I want to put out there that I am not a member of the "cops or it doesn't count" brigade. Stalking doesn't become 'more real' just because it is reported nor should be considered 'less real' if it's not. It's really a very personal thing and there are a number of valid reasons why a person might choose not to report.

I'm not trying to discourage anyone from reporting but I am going to tell you the truth about it. The whole 'go to the cops' thing does not work like you see on tv. You don't go to the authorities, tell them your complaint, you leave, and from there they do all of the work for you. Count on doing a lot of the work yourself. Hey, you're the one who knows what's happening to you, so that's really not that bad of a deal.

The one thing the authorities are going to ask for right up front is what they call a cease and desist statement. All this is, basically, where you've told your stalker to leave you alone. They actually rate which methods are considered 'best'. Email actually tops the list because if the other person ever uses that email account again, it's considered read. Next comes certified postal mail. (If they sign for it, also considered read.) Verbally with a witness present comes in third.

Some key points about this. You don't ask them to leave you alone, you TELL them to leave you alone. Do not say things like maybe you can be friends later. Do not make any apologies. Do not give the other person any indication that they can contact you again. (Oddly enough, I apologized to the person I was reporting *to* because my written thing had a few occasions where I dropped the f-bomb. Had I known I was going to need this thing someday, I might have used better language.)

From that point on, everything goes in something called your incident log. That's a cute legal term for 'document everything that happens to you'. Every email you receive from the other person, every instant message, phone call, text, regular postal (snail) mail, anything that comes to your house, messages left for you at businesses, gifts you receive, or anything else. If family and friends get contacted, have them send you the emails they received or write you a statement about the particulars. Even journal entries the other person has written where they talk about looking for you, following you, etc, take the screen shot. I don't want to sound rude about this part but it's how it was told to me. It is not my/your job to decide what's important, big, little, etc things were. Give the documentation to them and let them do their job.

If your stalker is what's known as an intimate partner stalker, (that's 59% for women and 30% for men who are victims) within a certain time frame, you might get more help because some of this crosses over into domestic violence laws. You might also get classified this way if any of the stalking, messaging, gifts, contacts, etc are of a sexual and/or romantic nature.

A quick word to het males with a female stalker. Guys, you are the most under reported category. I get it. I really do. A lot of men don't come forward and a lot of men won't even talk about it *unless* the other person is going to understand the experience. Sometimes, this just allows female perpetrators to get away with more shit. If you don't want to report, ok, but at least keep your evidence.

My apologies for the original being so long but I'd really like to ask for contributions from other posters now. I know I left out a lot, so you guys can help fill in the gaps. Thank you for taking the time to read, respond, and discuss.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Stalking in kink land - 11/13/2015 11:47:01 AM   
Bunnicula


Posts: 420
Joined: 4/7/2014
Status: offline 		I had one, fortunately only for a few weeks.

Talked to him on cs, met for a coffee in a city centre. Realised quite quickly he was not what I was looking for. Poor personal hygiene, green furry teeth, hands everywhere on me in a crowded coffee shop.

I made my excuses and left. He ran after me, shouting that I had to stop and talk to him about this and when was I going to see him again. I told him I wasn't interested and I was going home. He became angry and I had to get the local transport police (luckily nearby) to talk to him while I made my escape.

He threatened me by text (he had my 'burner' phone number). Told me he was outside my house and if I brought anyone home he'd set fire to it. Threatened to wait outside my work and grab me and rape me.

By this point we'd chatted online for 2 weeks and spent 20 horrific minutes together in a coffee shop. He didn't know my job, where I worked or where I lived.

But I was scared.

I called the police and expected to be fobbed off but they were surprisingly supportive. He'd told me where he worked so they went to see him to warn him off.

It worked and he left me alone, but all these years later it still upsets me.

_____________________________

"You are THE MAN!!" - some_random_internet_asshole
"You're not a very nice bunny" - some_random_internet_asshole's_sock


Wanna chocolate raisin?

Previously known as 'myotherself' or simply 'da bunny'

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Stalking in kink land - 11/13/2015 12:23:35 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Friend of a friend I was introduced to in college. Dated a few times.

Didn't seem like a bad person, just lacking social skills. Because I was raised on Fire Island, and am sex positive, he thought taking me to a party that was actually an orgy would be fine. It wasn't. I didn't know what he had planned, I would have refused if given the chance. He didn't believe in giving me that chance.

I walked out, grabbed a bus and went home.

Told him no when he called, when he came by.

I went back to school and he started showing up at my home, crying on my mother's shoulder. She was not interested. I had told her and my younger brother about the orgy when I got home.

Showed up at my apartment in college. The mutual friend who introduced us must have given him my address. I didn't make it clear how much I never wanted to date this guy again, after all he hadn't done anything, just clueless and I didn't want to ruin his friendship.
In many ways, it's what ended our friendship. I did judge him by the company he kept.

Wasn't until the guy I was then dating walked up that the guy disappeared.
Didn't hurt that the college boyfriend was damn near 6" taller than the other guy and had a lot more muscle.
If the boyfriend hadn't been there to intimidate him, I would have had a lot more trouble getting rid of him.

So yes, I'm the 1 in 12. I'm the lucky one because it was just annoyance, no threats.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Bunnicula)
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RE: Stalking in kink land - 11/13/2015 12:57:51 PM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline 		I still got the blog post of what to do when you have a stalker, due to my own experiences and the ones LP made here, I felt it was something that was sorely needed

There are a ton of good resources on it, there are also ways on how to protect yourself from getting into that situation

http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/dont-be-victim.html

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Stalking in kink land - 11/13/2015 1:15:37 PM   
WickedsDesire


Posts: 9362
Joined: 11/4/2015
Status: offline 		I no longer keep track, their numbers are legion and they span all of time and the four corners of urth – which surprised even me.
I believe a name change shakes most off – only for a little while – as I always go with the same text mugshots...I never like to pretend I am someone else, with a mere 8 inch cok.

Stalkers can be inadvertently dated. I learned that over the last 12 years when they let things slip like I sleep with your pictures under my pillow I carry them around in my handbag

Your thread or purpose I do not understand. I have nothing else to add.

(in reply to LadyConstanze)
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RE: Stalking in kink land - 11/13/2015 1:22:08 PM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WickedsDesire

I no longer keep track, their numbers are legion and they span all of time and the four corners of urth – which surprised even me.
I believe a name change shakes most off – only for a little while – as I always go with the same text mugshots...I never like to pretend I am someone else, with a mere 8 inch cok.

Stalkers can be inadvertently dated. I learned that over the last 12 years when they let things slip like I sleep with your pictures under my pillow I carry them around in my handbag

Your thread or purpose I do not understand. I have nothing else to add.



Maybe you do need a real stalker then to understand, be glad that you don't understand and hopefully you never will. If it would be THAT easy, wouldn't the world be such a nice place...

Oh and btw getting messages on occasion on a kink board, if you consider that stalking, OK.

Let's put it down to YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to WickedsDesire)
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RE: Stalking in kink land - 11/13/2015 1:41:11 PM   
sweetieDA


Posts: 129
Joined: 4/3/2015
Status: offline 		I'm not a big fan of demanding they leave you alone. I don't think it works.

If you tell someone ten times that you don't want to talk to them, you ARE talking to them, ten times. From their perspective, it's mission accomplished.

I am a big fan of the 'change accounts and don't tell no-one' approach. Old stalkery keeps targeting the old account, you keep talking to all your friends completely unbothered by the stalker and life goes on normally.

Under no circumstances do I react to a stalker in any way. They never get anything from me. Not a word, not a message, not a response - nothing. There are very few people who can keep getting zero reaction and still maintain interest. Most will simply lose interest and move on.

Stalkers are looking for a response, a chance to engage. They do not believe that you can ignore 20 messages. They do not believe that you are more patient or determined than they are. Most of the time, they're right. if they message you 20 times and you send just one message saying 'stop fucking messaging me!' then you've taught them that the cost of a response from you is 20 messages. And if that doesn't work, maybe 40 messages will.

Most of the time - do nothing. It works.

Guaranteed way to escalate and ensure their continued attention? Keep reacting, getting angry, messaging them, arguing with them, etc. Keep demanding and insisting that they leave you alone. Threaten them, call the police, make it into a personal war, make it clear that you're keeping everything they say, recording every little deed **they will absolutely love it**. As soon as you feel that need to 'win', it's game on for the stalker.

Some time ago I broke up with a man who had stalker tendencies. He would leave it just long enough for me to miss him, then he'd message me asking to 'talk'; we'd talk and he'd want to get back together. I'd say no and then he would turn abusive. Finally, after a year, I grew tired of this. We went through the same cycle and he said 'you'll never hear from me again after this message.' I thought to myself 'yeah, I will. But you won't hear from me.' and for a year I stuck to that. In that year, he messaged me, tried to call me, half cajoling, half threatening. He tried every trick in the book but I never, ever responded to him. Two years later I even got a 'happy breaking up anniversary' message from him, but I still didn't respond.

Now, he's out of my life, so who won? Doing nothing works, especially online. Don't escalate, disengage.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Stalking in kink land - 11/13/2015 1:51:59 PM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline 		Not doing anything works but the usual time a stalker keeps trying is up to 7 years and once it crossed into your real life, I tell you after 6 months you're in a state that is not healthy

Legally you do have to tell them, if you don't, you're f*cked

The do nothing is the worst advice ever, seriously, been there and tried it, if they are serious they will step it up and up to get that reaction, and the police will question you why you did nothing until then and imply that it wasn't so unwanted...

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to sweetieDA)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Stalking in kink land - 11/13/2015 2:28:22 PM   
WickedsDesire


Posts: 9362
Joined: 11/4/2015
Status: offline 		If anyone uses the quote functions on me ever again (i have said why many times) I will reach for my mace, minus tar and feathering, especially if you misquote my words which you have I can only conclude you are full of slobbering drivel sock, as delightfully you imply your versions of my existence, to you and your heinous kind – minus coherence and facts – that is you way.

A hollow existence, in my opinion, and I doth not hear KM bleating about her 40 million followers on instagram.

My actual first reply said i have been stalked, are stalked, throughout all of time and space and inadvertently dated some of them and the reasons why..Would you like to sit on my knee and have me explain that? But you missed that in my first answer..socks are of a singular concept so was no surprise to I


(in reply to LadyConstanze)
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RE: Stalking in kink land - 11/13/2015 2:28:47 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze
I still got the blog post of what to do when you have a stalker, due to my own experiences and the ones LP made here, I felt it was something that was sorely needed

There are a ton of good resources on it, there are also ways on how to protect yourself from getting into that situation

http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/dont-be-victim.html

Thank you for posting the link to the blog. I remember reading it when you had first put it up and there is a heck of a lot of good information there. Since you have something there that I missed, do you mind if I put up a few lines?

quote:

What I mean with looking for help is apart from all the legal steps (do NOT delete anything, keep all the messages, have them printed out as you don't want them to get lost in a computer crash, have a diary where you write down every attempt to make contact, all the usual drill)

Leave it to the computer twit (me) to forget about backing up/printing your files. It's very important.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LadyConstanze)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Stalking in kink land - 11/13/2015 2:46:44 PM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WickedsDesire

If anyone uses the quote functions on me ever again (i have said why many times) I will reach for my mace, minus tar and feathering, especially if you misquote my words which you have I can only conclude you are full of slobbering drivel sock, as delightfully you imply your versions of my existence, to you and your heinous kind – minus coherence and facts – that is you way.

A hollow existence, in my opinion, and I doth not hear KM bleating about her 40 million followers on instagram.

My actual first reply said i have been stalked, are stalked, throughout all of time and space and inadvertently dated some of them and the reasons why..Would you like to sit on my knee and have me explain that? But you missed that in my first answer..socks are of a singular concept so was no surprise to I





Get an effing life, sweetheart, if you knew what stalking really was, you would use the sock you throw around and stuff your mouth with it.


_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to WickedsDesire)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Stalking in kink land - 11/13/2015 2:51:35 PM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze
I still got the blog post of what to do when you have a stalker, due to my own experiences and the ones LP made here, I felt it was something that was sorely needed

There are a ton of good resources on it, there are also ways on how to protect yourself from getting into that situation

http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/dont-be-victim.html

Thank you for posting the link to the blog. I remember reading it when you had first put it up and there is a heck of a lot of good information there. Since you have something there that I missed, do you mind if I put up a few lines?

quote:

What I mean with looking for help is apart from all the legal steps (do NOT delete anything, keep all the messages, have them printed out as you don't want them to get lost in a computer crash, have a diary where you write down every attempt to make contact, all the usual drill)

Leave it to the computer twit (me) to forget about backing up/printing your files. It's very important.




Happened to me too, we got backup via TimeMachine, but again depending where you are, it may actually not count, whereas a real print out does count legally as does a diary.

I think stalking laws got a bit better than they were, but there is still so much confusion. The one thing that I would really urge every victim to do is to find a good support group, the fact that you are not alone in this and that it happens to others too can help so much.

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Stalking in kink land - 11/13/2015 3:09:05 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WickedsDesire
I no longer keep track, their numbers are legion and they span all of time and the four corners of urth – which surprised even me.
I believe a name change shakes most off – only for a little while – as I always go with the same text mugshots...I never like to pretend I am someone else, with a mere 8 inch cok.

Stalkers can be inadvertently dated. I learned that over the last 12 years when they let things slip like I sleep with your pictures under my pillow I carry them around in my handbag

Your thread or purpose I do not understand. I have nothing else to add.

There are a few purposes for it. The big one being information sharing. Three years ago, I wouldn't have known even a third of the stuff that I know now about the matter. I lucked into doing some things right but I could have just as easily done them wrong because I didn't know some of this.

Another purpose is (hopefully) to get people talking about their own experiences. During certain time periods, I got hundreds of emails from other people that would tell me their own stories about the issue. (I tend to think that other folks consider you 'safe' when you've been through it, too. Particularly from het male Dominants because that happens more than people think.)

I know people are shying away from the forums right now because of the sock puppet issue but there are also another dozen forum posters who have posted in the last week that have also had to go through this. Knowing that a person is not alone helps to take some of the shame out of it. Less shame has the potential for more people to protect themselves and maybe get the help they need. In my opinion, that's a positive thing.

I'm sorry but I'm not aware of a post that you've written about why you don't like to be quoted. I tend to do it so I don't misquote people by mistake.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to WickedsDesire)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Stalking in kink land - 11/13/2015 3:41:37 PM   
sweetieDA


Posts: 129
Joined: 4/3/2015
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze
Not doing anything works but the usual time a stalker keeps trying is up to 7 years and once it crossed into your real life, I tell you after 6 months you're in a state that is not healthy


The average length of stalking is between 6 months and 2 years. Not 7 years. 40% last less than 6 months, 64% last less than one year. This is also related to the amount of emotional investment from the stalker, so if it's someone online who you've never met, or someone you met once for a coffee, it is very unlikely that it will last for a significant length of time, and such cases are the least likely to end in violence. Cases of cyberstalking tend to be even shorter, and can be as little as 2 weeks. Which is not to say that is it impossible it will last longer, but that 'wait and see' will resolve the vast majority of cases, with the least amount of stress.

http://www.stalkinghelpline.org/faq/about-stalking/
http://www.slideshare.net/bsblack/learning-unit-7-stalking-and-dvcrj-461
http://www.ojphi.org/ojs/index.php/fm/article/view/1086/1006


Also, after 6 months of unwanted contact from my stalker, I was actually in a state that was much healthier than when I had been responding to him, so I doubt that your analysis is true for everyone. The longer I ignored him, the less he contacted me and the less emotionally effective his messages were.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze
Legally you do have to tell them, if you don't, you're f*cked


Of course you should tell them, once. After that, nothing. This is backed up by all main website advice.

"try not to engage with or meet them again, even if it is to tell them to leave you alone."

"Have NO contact with the stalker"

"Stalkers want a reaction whether it’s positive or negative. It is crucial to ensure that everyone involved understands the importance of not appealing to the stalker to stop, threatening them or retaliating to provocation"

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze
The do nothing is the worst advice ever, seriously, been there and tried it, if they are serious they will step it up and up to get that reaction, and the police will question you why you did nothing until then and imply that it wasn't so unwanted...


Most cases of stalking are not resolved by the police, so it is important to take other practical steps. I previously read that the number one document found on the person of women murdered by their exes is the restraining order banning him from contacting her. Escalating to legal and judicial steps does not always work, and where it provides a false sense of protection, it works even less.

Disengage from contact with them, deflect their attention onto old profiles that you no longer use or visit and minimise disruption into your life. To quote a high level personal security expert:

"contrary to the scary and alarming stories shown on the local news, very few date-stalking situations end in violence. The news people would have you believe that if you're being stalked, you'd better get your will in order, but this level of alarm is usually inappropriate. Date-stalkers do not jump from nonviolent harassment to homicide without escalations along the way, escalations that are almost always apparent or at least detectable."

In fact, most contact, including threats, can safely be ignored. The cases where you should not ignore a threat are:

Perceived Justification - does the stalker feel that they are justified in using violence against you? ("It's your fault I have to do this. You made me do this."
Perceived Alternatives - does the stalker feel that they have no other alternative than to use violence against you? ("I have no other choice but to do this.")
Perceived Consequences - does the stalker feel that they can accept the consequences of using violence against you? ("I don't care about the consequences. I'm willing to do time for you.")
Perceived Ability - does the stalker make statements that suggest they can use violence against you? ("I've got a gun / knife."

Most unwanted contact does not include anything like this level of threat and so, it is actually not a threat! It is merely irritating and you can simply take steps to minimise the disruption without worrying about your personal safety.

(in reply to LadyConstanze)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Stalking in kink land - 11/13/2015 4:48:30 PM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline 		Sounds brilliant but actually not quite true, the average stalking lasts most longer.

Consider yourself lucky that you were in a better place after 6 months, I had to deal with the loss of work, sick family members being called and disrupted...

It's a sad fact that if you do not report it in time, because you think by doing nothing, it will blow over, the police will assume that you felt flattered by the attention (seriously not a sick joke)

And if you do think that violence is the only thread a stalker poses, hello, here's your wake up coffee...

NO, stuff from stalkers cannot safely be ignored, that's complete and utter BS, trust me I fell for this kind of crap and thought it would blow over, as a result my life was in pieces.

Stalking once it crosses over a limit should not be ignored, evidence should be kept, LE should be informed.

I'm afraid your info is more than outdated, you are talking about somebody who's just mildly harassing you, not somebody who has a serious obsession, a perceived grudge, and that is usually years.

Telling people to ignore it and to wait for a real threat is doing everybody such a disservice, if your stalker was just irritating, well you were so damned lucky, unfortunately most of us didn't have that luck, but most of us made the mistake of ignoring it for far too long.

My personal safety was never at stake over several years of stalking, no threat to do anything to me, he just contacted work, clients of my employer, family members, people around me... Trust me, if your very lifelyhood is at stake, the ability to pay your bills and mortgage, if sick family members are contacted and fed a bunch of weird shit to freak them out and all that, it's a bit more than just "merely irritating"

I don't know where your "high level personal security expert" is from, several of my clients actually employ some of them and they would never ever dish out that stuff, oddly enough they take it very very seriously.

Btw checked out your links 2003!!!!! Are you SERIOUS? Small wonder they are outdated... You do know how computers in 2003 looked? You know when laptops were bricks and all and open networks and such were not common...

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to sweetieDA)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Stalking in kink land - 11/13/2015 6:04:42 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Early in the days of AOL chat I was stalked online for a bit. Because it was early internet days and I was not into computer security as I am now, people tended to be more open with details. Nothing like names and addresses but daily stuff like "works in retail", works for dentist, lives in the city of "-" No one thought about protecting themselves. Well I had either pissed someone off (likely because when people are obviously full of BS I did call them on it), or the guy liked me too much, and as a result he went out of his way to find out about me.
In the chat room he said something like "it looks like Marilyn got that department manager position in greeting cards'. Then he said "I heard Tyson has a shoulder injury'. All of this was stuff which happened in my local store. I used to write the monthly newspaper. Anyway his comments caught my attention and I said something. I was nervous. He started letting people know he knew who we all were and could ruin us by contacting our employers. Based on his remarks I knew he knew about my job.
Fortunately I could give a rip about the job or what they knew about me. I could afford to be bold.

And those were the early days. Stalking was easy. My natural talent for research and my anger spurred me on to doing a bit of stalking in return. Soon enough I had information on his job, on where his mother lived, and the city in which he lived.
In a chat room I posted something like What is going to happen when I send this chat log to your mom on "---" street? Do you think your employer will like seeing your threats in a kink chat?

He demanded I stop harassing him. I told him I could find out much more. It only took me 2 days, what did he think I could find out in 5?
The guy vanished after that.

Ahh.. early days were nice.
Now people are more stealth. Evil is hidden until they go bat shit crazy on you. Then it is everyone for themselves.
Be afraid, be very afraid.


_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to LadyConstanze)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Stalking in kink land - 11/13/2015 6:05:30 PM   
TNDommeK


Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		I had one, with help of support, I was able to figure out who he was. He's gone now.

_____________________________

Goddess of Duck Lips and Luxurious Hair
The working Fin Domme
Professional con artist, swindler, trixster, extortionist

Our snark-nado needs more cowbell


(in reply to LadyConstanze)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Stalking in kink land - 11/13/2015 6:22:34 PM   
crumpets


Posts: 1614
Joined: 11/5/2014
From: South Bay (SF & Silicon Valley)
Status: offline 		I must admit, I am almost entirely ignorant of the topic at hand (with the notable exception of a recent punishing edification by the ladies here in the thread alluded to by the OP).

Given my lack of real-time experience as the focus of stalkers, to better understand, I ran a quick search for how to stop a stalker, and was pleased to find good books that may also help, in addition to the comments above from those who have personally experienced the decidedly detrimental effects of stalking.

For example, this book by Detective Proctor (whose statistics I see are already quoted above) seems to be a classic, based on the reviews: "How to Stop a Stalker"


Detective Proctor (retired) has also written this book "Antidote for a Stalker":


Linden Gross wrote this book "Surviving a Stalker: Everything You Need to Know to Keep Yourself Safe"


Paul Mullen wrote "Stalkers and their Victims"


Debra A. Pinals wrote "Stalking: Psychiatric Perspectives and Practical Approaches"


Since the "System" is likely one of your protection mechanisms, this book by Robert Snow on making the system work for you may be useful "Stopping A Stalker: A Cop's Guide To Making The System Work For You"


While I, myself, am prone to rely on tecnowizardry, I'm not sure wresting the iniative by using gadgets to trap the stalker is the best idea; however, if catching the stalker is your goal, this book by Diane Glass purports to tell you how to do so:
"Stalking the Stalker: Fighting Back with High-tech Gadgets and Low-tech Know-how"



< Message edited by crumpets -- 11/13/2015 6:36:37 PM >

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Stalking in kink land - 11/13/2015 6:39:30 PM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		I had a guy follow me home from a munch. We lived a short distance away, so it wasn't difficult. The guy just showed up on my doorstep, and said he'd seen me at the munch and wanted to meet me.

The next day, I was doing dishes and he was in the driveway just staring at me. When I told him it was unacceptable for him to simply show up without an invitation he nodded his head and seemed to understand. Except, he kept coming over, uninvited and would stand there - staring in the window and when I tried to send him away he'd tell me how much he loved me and ask me to marry him.

This continued until the guy I lived with had a 'friendly' chat with him.

People are so frelling weird. On a positive note, as stalkers go; he was harmless. Other than making me a bit paranoid about uncovered windows - no harm no foul I guess.

(in reply to crumpets)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Stalking in kink land - 11/13/2015 6:48:23 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Something similar to this happened to a dear friend of mine. She was a very petite, lovely and gentle woman of age 60. After a munch the "gentleman" told her he had seen her around and he wanted to play. She, just having recovered from chemo, declined. But he kept showing up where ever she went, to the local stores, munches, coffee dates, there he was watching. Finally he crossed boundaries further by showing up at her home, where she greeted him with her two Rotties that did not take kindly to a strange man bothering their owner.
They chased him off the property and she was never bothered again.
I loved her. She took such glee is telling that tail... err tale.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)
Profile   Post #: 20
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