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Help me with my depressive sub - 11/19/2015 10:33:26 AM   
Oneechan


Posts: 50
Joined: 8/31/2012
Status: offline 		Hi all. I have a full time, live in sub, we've known each other for a couple of months. Things did move a bit fast, but we're very well matched and lived close by, so it didn't really seem like an issue.

He's very young, age 19, and so he has the common teenager problems of angst and hormones. But on top of that, he has some mental disorders, depression at the very least, bipolar disorder too.

He's been through the whole medical process before he met me, seen tons of psychiatrists, and is on prescribed SSRIs (anti depression medicine). We're having some issues though.

Most of the time, he's a good pet. very good. He's in love with me, extremely eager to please, and will do pretty much anything i ask, he's like a dream. However sometimes, depression hits him, and his mood swings very sharply. He becomes irritable, aggressive, withdrawn, and uncommunicative. Sometimes even violent. In one particular episode last week, he practically turned into a snarling animal and we ended up physically fighting, he destroyed his collar in the struggle and stormed out of my house.

But that same night, as soon as he got home, he was on skype apologising, telling me how much he regretted it almost as soon as he walked out the door, and begging to come back. i happily accepted him with open arms. We've not had any incidents quite as bad as that since, but he's become stroppy and irritable a few times.

Today we had a long talk about it, and he says the times when he's in a good mood, are generally when he's on his meds. When he's not taking them, he lashes out. He also said a lot of things like the medicine just suppresses his real personality, and he thinks the aggressive one is who he really is.

I don't think that's true, though. He loves me, he says the only thing that makes him happy, is making me happy. And it's only when he's on the meds, that he acts like he loves me. He seems very torn, he doesn't want to take his meds, but he's a huge, self destructive mess without them. He has been a self harmer before, lots of cutting scars, and i don't want him to fall back into that.

My first thought, would be that he needs professional help. But he's already been there, done that, and says it didn't help .He also says, in his own words, that the doctors have 'given up on him' and asked him not to make any more appointments. I can't say for sure how true that is, because he's quite prone to hyperbole.

For now i've convinced him to keep taking his meds, under the logic that him being in a good mood makes me happy, and he wants that most of all. But i feel like it won't last.

About now, i'm wishing i had a degree in psychology. In lieu of that, i'm asking for advice here. How can i fix this broken kid?
Does anyone have any experience dealing with mental health issues in D/s relationships?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Help me with my depressive sub - 11/19/2015 10:51:51 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Oneechan


About now, i'm wishing i had a degree in psychology. In lieu of that, i'm asking for advice here. How can i fix this broken kid?
From someone with a degree in psychology...you can't fix him. He has been prescribed medication, so everything is in his hands now. He has to realize that the medication is only hope for a normal life. He has to do it for him, not for you. Until he gains that knowledge, the cycle is just going to repeat.


quote:

Does anyone have any experience dealing with mental health issues in D/s relationships?
Probably not what you want to hear but, BDSM D/s relationships are not particularly good for someone with uncontrolled mental health issues. They tend to produce extreme emotions and sensations which tend to feed the cycle.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Help me with my depressive sub - 11/19/2015 11:02:08 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		The fact that he sometimes doesn't take his meds is an indication he is NOT stable.
Bi-polar is more difficult to treat. Usually just an anti-depressant is not enough; mood stabilisers can help a lot.

Also, counseling is a big benefit for persons with bi-polar disorder; esp cognitive behavioral therapy.( The other CBT)

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RE: Help me with my depressive sub - 11/19/2015 11:26:32 AM   
cloverodella


Posts: 133
Joined: 8/8/2013
Status: offline 		Take the BDSM out of it -- if your friend told you they were with a great new guy who loved them and everything was great, except for the several times in the few months they've been together that he gets violent, "irritable, aggressive, withdrawn, and uncommunicative", a behavior which he has admitted he 1) could curb if he took his meds, and 2) "thinks the aggressive one is who he really is", what would you tell them?

From what you've written, you're with someone who has the ability to be consistently violent, but doesn't do the thing in his power to stop it. He needs to be in therapy to learn to control his anger
__

As an aside, I'm surprized that he's on SSRIs alone if he has bipolar disorder, because they can be a trigger. I would think a mood stabilizer would be more apt. I'm not bipolar but have a mood disorder, and the proper mood-stabilizer (Lamictal) was the key to getting right for me. My opinion about myself personally, if I was not seeing to my mental state, I would not be worthy of being in a relationship with.

(in reply to angelikaJ)
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RE: Help me with my depressive sub - 11/19/2015 11:37:14 AM   
Oneechan


Posts: 50
Joined: 8/31/2012
Status: offline 		I asked about cognitive behavioural therapy many times. He saud it helped for a while, but that they gave up on him, and he stopped attending.

I'm aware that D/s relationships may not be the best for someone with issues, but i guess i'm taking on a motherly role here, and he views me as such. His doesn't get along well with his own family, an alcoholic, violent father notably. i'm not sure about his mother, but he hates her, and his older sister doesn't seem like a great person either, i tried talking to her on facebook in a friendly, civil manner, and she blocked me.

(in reply to angelikaJ)
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RE: Help me with my depressive sub - 11/19/2015 11:43:05 AM   
Oneechan


Posts: 50
Joined: 8/31/2012
Status: offline 		i don't know about mood stabilizers, he's only on one medication right now. Fluoxetine 2mg capsules, he's supposed to take two daily, but he says he has to take 3 for them to work

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RE: Help me with my depressive sub - 11/19/2015 11:57:17 AM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline 		I would take Oside's professional opinion over anyone else on these boards.
She's a smart cookie and IMHO absolutely spot-on with her diagnosis.

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RE: Help me with my depressive sub - 11/19/2015 12:29:50 PM   
switchin4fun146


Posts: 3
Joined: 11/19/2015
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Oneechan

For now i've convinced him to keep taking his meds, under the logic that him being in a good mood makes me happy, and he wants that most of all. But i feel like it won't last.

About now, i'm wishing i had a degree in psychology. In lieu of that, i'm asking for advice here. How can i fix this broken kid?
Does anyone have any experience dealing with mental health issues in D/s relationships?


It won't last and you can't fix him.

This person is severely mentally ill. The behavior that disconcerted you will return, and only worse at times.

If you are willing to put up with that, educate yourself about what you are getting into.

But don't for a second think you are going to cure his mental illness and don't think that he won't go off his meds again.

I've been through this. And it's a tough road even if you love the person in question. If you don't love the person, get out of it.

(in reply to Oneechan)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Help me with my depressive sub - 11/19/2015 12:58:47 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Oneechan

He saud it helped for a while, but that they gave up on him, and he stopped attending.

Noticing a theme here? Do you honestly think that every doctor he's seen has given up on him? More likely, they dropped him because he wasn't doing what he needed to do to gain some control over his condition.


quote:


His doesn't get along well with his own family, an alcoholic, violent father notably. i'm not sure about his mother, but he hates her, and his older sister doesn't seem like a great person either
You only have one side of the story. Bi-Polar, off of medication will make wild accusations and suffer from paranoia and delusions.

quote:

i tried talking to her on facebook in a friendly, civil manner, and she blocked me.
Which probably has more to do with your sub than it does with her. She's had a lifetime of him. Now you're contacting her out of the blue about someone that she doesn't want in her life.


< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 11/19/2015 1:13:18 PM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Help me with my depressive sub - 11/19/2015 1:24:04 PM   
shiftyw


Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline 		Doctors that I've seen, seem more than willing to keep taking my cash.

The ONLY incident I had like that was with a school therapist- who I wasn't paying (well..directly) and was hired by the college I experienced the event that gave me PTSD.

So...
Thats a load of crap. Call him on it. Doctor's offices are businesses. Does it really make sense that they'd turn someone away?


I have two friends, one is manic depressive- the other bi polar. They are dating. But they PUT the work in. I mean they see therapists, they are BOTH medicated correctly.

I have PTSD and depression. I'm on an anti depressant- and I have a klonopin script just for emergencies.

My man wouldn't move in with me until we had seen a therapist together, several times. Period. Full Stop. And I'm not bi polar.
Listen to Oside here.

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Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Help me with my depressive sub - 11/19/2015 1:28:19 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		For cbt to work he has to be willing to do the work. Therapy is hard work.
Prozac can be prescribed up to 60 mg/day.
He has to be willing to communicate with his p-doc.

p.s. I sent you cmail.

< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 11/19/2015 1:29:46 PM >

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30 fluffy points!

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RE: Help me with my depressive sub - 11/19/2015 3:13:10 PM   
blnymph


Posts: 1598
Joined: 11/13/2010
Status: offline 		O., I may be wrong (not being an expert) but when I read your post it came into my mind:
could it be possible that he is trying to use you as a substitute replacement for his therapist(s)?


(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Help me with my depressive sub - 11/19/2015 3:16:31 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Thinking you can "fix" a person with mental disorders is full of pitfalls. You wouldn't come to a message board asking how to "fix" a person with a physical condition, so why are you approaching the parallel in the same way? If this were a physical condition, would you believe you could fix it or would you be having the person go to the professionals that were qualified to deal with it?

You say yourself that this person is prone to hyperbole but you are willing to take this person's word for the idea that the doctors have given up on him? You'll have to excuse me if I'm a bit skeptical. Considering it's coming from somebody who skips his meds at some points and doubles doses at other times, your not exactly dealing with someone who is forthright about his condition. Maybe not even to himself. If he's telling you that he needs three of his one medication to work, why isn't he seeing his care provider to make an adjustment or add a stabilizer? For that matter, if he's really dealing with a doctor that says there is no hope for him, why isn't he trying to find another professional?

quote:

Does anyone have any experience dealing with mental health issues in D/s relationships?

Yes, and I'm going to tell you that it's not a picnic. I can't tell you about the specifics but I can tell you that, in some cases, you are only seeing the very beginning. Unless there is some professional help involved, you're going to get sucked into a cycle of disruptions, apologies, med adjustments, skipping meds, which leads back to the disruptions, so on, and so on, and so on. If you don't make the person responsible for their behavior, they aren't going to be.

I'd like to wish you the best of luck.






_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Help me with my depressive sub - 11/19/2015 3:26:59 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		So, I am an Owned slave and I have depression.

I have a therapist.
I have a P-doc.

[My] Master knows that while His support is valuable, He can not fix me and I do not expect Him to.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

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Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Help me with my depressive sub - 11/19/2015 7:48:59 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline 		I applaud you for caring for him and being there for him.

Depression will always be a difficult situation, and you will have to deal with alot.

Enormous patience and understanding his behaviours is necessary.

There is very little solution for it, except meds and therapy. And even then, those can take years or life time to heal.

There is no quick fix for this condition.

So you will just have to go with the flow and continue what you are doing. Just offering care and support.

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Help me with my depressive sub - 11/20/2015 12:04:00 AM   
littleclip


Posts: 869
Joined: 5/31/2012
Status: offline 		he has to want to stay on his meds and see why and how he is when not on them. its not unusual for someone on anti depressants to think they don't need them as they are doing fine and then spiral down. show him the pattern of ups and downs he has to see that there is a pattern and that staying on meds is best. caring for him loving him is the best thing for him but be firm he has to be responsible for his treatment. I know of one person that is bi polar and refuses to see it blaming everyone else. I have adhd and I was not taking my meds consistently till I was shown it made a big difference in me and I started taking it regularly and have done so since.
make sure he knows you care and love him and support his long lasting treatment

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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Help me with my depressive sub - 11/20/2015 8:39:28 PM   
Oneechan


Posts: 50
Joined: 8/31/2012
Status: offline 		hi guys, i've not responded much, been reading and processing. Some mixed sentiments here. but everyone seems to think, at least, that he should keep taking his meds, right?

does anyone have any information or experiences on trying to do without meds in a relationship? what kind of consequences can be expected.

i've told him to ask a doctor about getting mood stabilisers, he's working on that.


quote:

ORIGINAL: shiftyw

Doctors that I've seen, seem more than willing to keep taking my cash.

So...
Thats a load of crap. Call him on it. Doctor's offices are businesses. Does it really make sense that they'd turn someone away?


I should mention here, we're british. the NHS is free, it's not a question of money or business.

(in reply to shiftyw)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Help me with my depressive sub - 11/20/2015 8:44:05 PM   
Oneechan


Posts: 50
Joined: 8/31/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: blnymph

O., I may be wrong (not being an expert) but when I read your post it came into my mind:
could it be possible that he is trying to use you as a substitute replacement for his therapist(s)?



Yes, and parents too. i don't mind taking on a caretaker role though, but sometimes i don't know what to do

(in reply to blnymph)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Help me with my depressive sub - 11/21/2015 6:17:40 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		I would not advise anyone with Bi-polar disorder to be without medication.
There are many reasons why someone would want to, but the risk for suicide in untreated bi-polar disorder is quite high.

You are not his therapist.
You are not his parent.

Go to counseling for yourself, even if he has every excuse not to.



_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Help me with my depressive sub - 11/21/2015 11:55:16 AM   
Oneechan


Posts: 50
Joined: 8/31/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

I applaud you for caring for him and being there for him.

Depression will always be a difficult situation, and you will have to deal with alot.

Enormous patience and understanding his behaviours is necessary.

There is very little solution for it, except meds and therapy. And even then, those can take years or life time to heal.

There is no quick fix for this condition.

So you will just have to go with the flow and continue what you are doing. Just offering care and support.


Thank you for this, it is appreciated.

As i mentioned, he is still quite young. Is there a chance of these conditions spontaneously resolving themselves as he grows older and wiser? or are they likely to be an issue forever

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 20
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