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RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/4/2015 7:43:53 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NookieNotes

Do you use the stoplight?

  • Green (love it! keep going)
  • Yellow (getting to be too much, check in with me, but don't stop)
  • Red (STOP, for the love of all that's holy!)


    • I use green to ask for more pressure, or more pain.

    Love traffic lights, seem to work really well for me. I use yellow ALOT. Seldom Red.

    (in reply to NookieNotes)
    Profile   Post #: 21
    RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/5/2015 5:12:59 AM   
    Cell


    Posts: 409
    Status: offline
    quote:

    ORIGINAL: LadyPact
    I'm used to the normal stuff.
    What do you mean?
    quote:

    Dynamic-wise, I don't run into it a whole lot because I don't consider that optional with me. It's ok to be a casual play partner. It's ok (when I'm receptive to it) to engage in D/s. Somebody just wanting to do the vanilla relationship without the kink or the dynamic? They need to find somebody else. I'm poly specifically for the BDSM part, so a just vanilla relationship is off of the table.
    That's ok, I'm just asking in generalities anyway, but thought I'd add that info as an aside. Any experiences related to the topic are probably going to be helpful no matter where people might be coming from.
    quote:

    I don't know if I'm on the right track with this one, so I'll give it a shot. One thing that I had to work with tk on was coaxing him out of his shell a bit. I did this in little ways at first. Making him disrobe prior to his shower. Take his clothes off so I could make sure he was ready to play. Getting him to skip avoiding eye contact during certain activities. (This was a kick for me too, because I loved making him blush.) It completely worked for us and he'd gain ground in implements. I was a very happy woman when he was in my life.
    I guess I'm thinking more about de-sensitising or making accustomed, rather than 'coaxing'. I'm probably lacking in finesse. P.S. What's the viable alternative to disrobing before having a shower? >_<


    quote:

    ORIGINAL: catize
    A level of trust takes time to develop; so, yes, there have been situations where I used the safe word too often at first. In one particular dynamic, I realized that I was holding both of us back because after I used the safe word I felt let down when all play stopped. So we discussed it and came up with the plan that, when I used the safe word he would ask me if I could take 5-10 more of whatever he was dishing out. This set a goal for me, and in time, we were able to continue the sessions for longer periods of time.
    Thank's catize, that's a good idea. And yer, trust/feeling comfortable with control I guess is the aim here, and I suppose letting go of control may be a factor and that does take time.

    (in reply to catize)
    Profile   Post #: 22
    RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/5/2015 5:35:39 AM   
    LadyPact


    Posts: 32566
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    quote:

    ORIGINAL: Cell
    I guess I'm thinking more about de-sensitising or making accustomed, rather than 'coaxing'. I'm probably lacking in finesse. P.S. What's the viable alternative to disrobing before having a shower? >_<

    Coaxing might have been the wrong word for that particular scenario. Making accustomed probably would have been closer for that specific thing.

    As to the PS, the alternative would have been disrobing without me watching, affording privacy to him, but dearly cheating me out of the sights I wanted to see. <Wink, wink, nudge nudge.> It's a shock I ever let that one get dressed at all unless we were planning to go out. I used to have a great time staring at him while drying off, too.

    Call it soft objectification. Mix in with a dash of edging. Sprinkle in a bit of the stuff that shouldn't make folks doubt that I really am a perv.



    _____________________________

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    (in reply to Cell)
    Profile   Post #: 23
    RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/5/2015 6:37:11 AM   
    NookieNotes


    Posts: 1720
    Joined: 11/10/2013
    Status: offline
    quote:

    ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


    quote:

    ORIGINAL: NookieNotes

    Do you use the stoplight?

  • Green (love it! keep going)
  • Yellow (getting to be too much, check in with me, but don't stop)
  • Red (STOP, for the love of all that's holy!)



    • I've always found having to say green while I'm having fun to be annoying, so we stick with just yellow and red.



    I get that. Good for a frightened sub, though. To concentrate on also giving feedback on what they like.

    I don't like to use any of it, really. Bleh. But, with strangers... Gotta have something.


    _____________________________

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    (in reply to OsideGirl)
    Profile   Post #: 24
    RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/9/2015 10:46:30 AM   
    WickedsDesire


    Posts: 9362
    Joined: 11/4/2015
    Status: offline     		You wish some feeble wretched creature to use the safe word when you want – that’s how I kinda read it.

    You should stop completely on its first utterance which LadyConstanze said
    And return to the task in hand a day, week, month later

    You should also add in additional safe words such as ouch stopping immediately if uttered


    < Message edited by WickedsDesire -- 12/9/2015 10:47:00 AM >

    (in reply to NookieNotes)
    Profile   Post #: 25
    RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/9/2015 11:01:46 AM   
    NookieNotes


    Posts: 1720
    Joined: 11/10/2013
    Status: offline
    quote:

    ORIGINAL: WickedsDesire

    You should also add in additional safe words such as ouch stopping immediately if uttered



    Ouch is NOT a safeword.

    It's an excited utterance, and in the middle of an impact scene is often used as much for fun and frivolity as it is for communication of pain. I would NOT suggest adding your own safewords and over-complicating issues.

    _____________________________

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    (in reply to WickedsDesire)
    Profile   Post #: 26
    RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/9/2015 12:33:27 PM   
    Kana


    Posts: 6676
    Joined: 10/24/2006
    Status: offline     		Ahhh, BDSM.
    The only place yes means more, no means yes and bananas means stop

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    (in reply to NookieNotes)
    Profile   Post #: 27
    RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/9/2015 6:43:13 PM   
    Wayward5oul


    Posts: 3314
    Joined: 11/9/2014
    Status: offline     		This is the most thought provoking thread I have read in a while. So much to consider and reconsider. Thank you all.

    (in reply to Kana)
    Profile   Post #: 28
    RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/9/2015 10:46:10 PM   
    TieMeInKnottss


    Posts: 1944
    Joined: 9/6/2012
    Status: offline     		I am sure I will catch grief for this BUT...both of my prior relationships, while I HAD a safe word, it was understood that, to use it would be a permanent end to our relationship. Don't get me wrong...I am not saying that either man sad "if you can't take the heat..." But the agreement (which I thought was a common one) was that he new best, he knew what I could take and I trusted he knew that and did not question. Honestly, I know my hard-HARD limits because those are the things that, if introduced or I was told to do them, I will say my safe word, get dressed and leave.

    I guess, though, it could be different if you just mean as a tolerance thermometer but then I would think people would be using safe words EVERY time they played (we all hit a point where we can't keep going forward)...

    Interesting...I have never used my word nor come close to it

    (in reply to Wayward5oul)
    Profile   Post #: 29
    RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/9/2015 11:52:58 PM   
    crazyml


    Posts: 5568
    Joined: 7/3/2007
    Status: offline     		For me, when a sub uses a safeword there are a couple of mandatory consequences: a conversation about what prompted the safeword, and some reflection on my part about why I missed the signals.

    If I had a sub who was safewording a lot, even after talking things over and trying to get to the bottom of what prompts it, the consequence would be our not playing together any more. Either the sub is simply "playing" and wasting my time, or were so incompatible that I can't read her reactions and responses.

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    (in reply to Cell)
    Profile   Post #: 30
    RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/9/2015 11:57:40 PM   
    crazyml


    Posts: 5568
    Joined: 7/3/2007
    Status: offline     		hey there TieMeInKnottss!

    No grief from me on this one.

    I've had a couple of relationships in the past where we essentially applied this rule.

    The use and value of safewords is very context specific, I think. For casual play - where you may be trying something new, with someone you may not know extremely well, I think they're a very handy thing.

    In a LTR, if my partner felt the need to safeword, I would take it as a serious sign that something had gone wrong.

    _____________________________

    Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

    (in reply to TieMeInKnottss)
    Profile   Post #: 31
    RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/9/2015 11:59:11 PM   
    Cell


    Posts: 409
    Status: offline     		Thanks for braving the 'grief' lol. I guess there's a mainstream in everything, you know what they say, "the nail that sticks out gets hammered" so I do appreciate your post, especially if it challenges prevailing ideas. All the better.

    (in reply to TieMeInKnottss)
    Profile   Post #: 32
    RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/10/2015 2:00:57 AM   
    littleclip


    Posts: 869
    Joined: 5/31/2012
    Status: offline     		i only used my safe word once with my former owner there was no consequences as I was not in a good space so after play stopped we cuddled and talked for a while. it was the only time in all the years of playing with her needles staples and scalpels for cutting whipped till bloody I think it allowed a deeper trust to form knowing I could use my safeword without repercussion that let me not use it


    _____________________________

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    i will always come to the call of those i love


    (in reply to Cell)
    Profile   Post #: 33
    RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/10/2015 12:31:37 PM   
    WickedsDesire


    Posts: 9362
    Joined: 11/4/2015
    Status: offline     		Haughty naughty ;) Nookienotes Tis the finest additional safe word I know of for the purposes of ops query as long as he learns to stop for more than one day... instead of ouch she is welcome to blurt out other random words such as: bliss, bstard, newshoes, newkitchen and so on.

    I knew a couple, bless em, and that was one of his safe words chosen for his other. When she told me 13 years ago I laughed whilst simultaneously thinking the evilgenius bstrd.

    What do I think I think many things eg cake, cookies, cats, vet bills, mumbojumbo, hobgoblins a wealth of experience in this and that = but how to word it.
    1 It allows her to be more thinky and not blurt-it out reactive.
    2 I favors no mind wipe or conditioning of any soul.
    3 Him thrashing her with the kitchen sink must be tempered. (allegorical _ I am not typing that again many of you know how I use words) as I have no enquired as to what he does, nor has he mentioned – for all know he lightly spanked cropped her)
    4 She/he are not compatible. They simply have different thoughts and ideals and that is fine…Note how I avoid using the word dynamic – a generic word I would blooter out of all vocabularies and dictionaries.
    5 He has his idea and she has her idea and hers is more of thought and fantasy and the idea, perhaps desired, yearning to be desired, wanted etc of versus the reality and that is perfectly fine.

    I am not known for my brutal thrashings nor will I ever side with those who I perceive as doing so.

    I am flexible I tailor myself to the person – the person, like me, will never get their own way (not going into that indepth as its means i cross lines and I decide when I do so - which in parts contradicts bit of my advive).

    If it was me I would have sat her down, over my knee perhaps, and had a talk with her along the lines of I think you like the idea of this and that but the reality hurts you ever-so (not fragile soul – as I would be conditioning) and say no-more I will do no more of this play but you are not dumped as you are more than a play object. I may say I think you too fragile too vulnerable…and that’s okay too.


    < Message edited by WickedsDesire -- 12/10/2015 12:33:28 PM >

    (in reply to littleclip)
    Profile   Post #: 34
    RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/10/2015 2:02:31 PM   
    Kana


    Posts: 6676
    Joined: 10/24/2006
    Status: offline     		Hmmm, let's see. I don't use safewords.
    I used to use them when I first was playing with a girl, learning what makes her tick, what hits, what doesn't.
    But after a bit, when we know each other, that shit falls by the wayside.
    Now we just talk to each other like adults.
    She can say things about a rig and how its hitting a joint or that her hand is growing numb.
    Cool.
    No bigee.
    Just re-rig real quick.
    But if its too much, she just says so.
    Sometimes I listen...usually if I think its a headspace thing.
    Other times I carry on because there are more than a few times I have a better idea how far she can go than the fears that trap her in her head.

    But I wouldn't end a relationship over one. For lots of reasons, the first being that I trust her. I trust her desire to please. I trust her desire to take pain because it makes me happy.
    Which means if she is saying stop, I should trust that maybe, just maybe, she has a good reason for it.

    _____________________________

    "One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
    HST

    (in reply to WickedsDesire)
    Profile   Post #: 35
    RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/11/2015 6:40:25 AM   
    Bhruic


    Posts: 985
    Joined: 4/11/2012
    From: Toronto, Canada
    Status: offline     		I agree with Tyrant and others. The only reason the safeword works (we use the stoplight) is that she knows if she calls red, that there are no repercussions, and play stops.

    She absolutely trusts that, and as a consequence, she reserves it for when it is really necessary. Abusing the safeword has never been an issue. She has yellowed a few times, but never said red.

    _____________________________

    pronounced "VROOick"

    (in reply to Greta75)
    Profile   Post #: 36
    RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/11/2015 7:27:31 AM   
    Nthrall


    Posts: 65
    Joined: 3/16/2015
    Status: offline     		How can a sub relinquish control if they can get it back with a word?

    Here's my method:

    A sub is free to end the relationship and walk away for good at any time.

    A new sub must have a safeword of some kind for at least the first session.

    My form of safeword is a "get out of jail free card". If the sub plays the card, they may not get another (Dom's discretion). Playing the card means everything stops immediately and is discussed. I can't tell you if this works, because none of my subs have used their card, or maybe they haven't because it works.

    (in reply to Cell)
    Profile   Post #: 37
    RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/11/2015 7:38:30 AM   
    NookieNotes


    Posts: 1720
    Joined: 11/10/2013
    Status: offline
    quote:

    ORIGINAL: Nthrall

    How can a sub relinquish control if they can get it back with a word?



    How can a dominant ask that? Or are you a top?

    Because stopping play is NOTHING near getting back control, in my opinion. I can't even imagine a dominant headspace where that could come from.


    _____________________________

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    (in reply to Nthrall)
    Profile   Post #: 38
    RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/11/2015 9:17:07 AM   
    OsideGirl


    Posts: 14441
    Joined: 7/1/2005
    From: United States
    Status: offline
    quote:

    ORIGINAL: NookieNotes

    How can a dominant ask that? Or are you a top?

    Because stopping play is NOTHING near getting back control, in my opinion. I can't even imagine a dominant headspace where that could come from.



    Agreed.

    Play is play (again this is someone equating BDSM with submission) and our relationship is something immensely bigger.

    Trust me....he's not going to end a 16 year marriage over me saying "RED".


    _____________________________

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    The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

    (in reply to NookieNotes)
    Profile   Post #: 39
    RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/11/2015 11:41:27 AM   
    NookieNotes


    Posts: 1720
    Joined: 11/10/2013
    Status: offline
    quote:

    ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


    quote:

    ORIGINAL: NookieNotes

    How can a dominant ask that? Or are you a top?

    Because stopping play is NOTHING near getting back control, in my opinion. I can't even imagine a dominant headspace where that could come from.



    Agreed.

    Play is play (again this is someone equating BDSM with submission) and our relationship is something immensely bigger.

    Trust me....he's not going to end a 16 year marriage over me saying "RED".



    Exactly so. And his dominance will not be threatened at all, I would suspect. The idea, to me, is crazy.


    _____________________________

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    I Write! A few of my books on Amazon: http://amazon.com/author/msnnotes

    (in reply to OsideGirl)
    Profile   Post #: 40
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