RE: Consequences for safe-wording.

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RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/11/2015 12:14:51 PM

DesFIP

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Beyond that, he's not a mind reader. Now if all these doms who will end a relationship should someone safeword are expert mind readers then I wish they would offer a course in it. Because he can't know if I'm having an asthma attack start up or my bad wrist is acting up, or if he accidentally hit an emotional trigger that has caused a panic attack. Unless I can get him to stop and then let me calm down and explain.

But not all of us are into edge play, every time. So if you aren't going for that, you probably won't hit the bottoms tolerance point. Assuming you watch out for known problems like monitoring an asthmatic's breathing.

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RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/11/2015 12:25:22 PM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Beyond that, he's not a mind reader.

With the health issues that I've had for the past two years, things with my body can change from day to day and even moment to moment. What was fine yesterday may drive me over the edge today. And he'd be very upset with me if I allowed harm to come to his most precious possession.

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RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/11/2015 3:25:30 PM

TieMeInKnottss

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I think we may be talking about 2 different things.

If your dominant or master is a sadist or if you are participating in some type of physical play as the bottom, then using a safe word is almost like someone using hand signals to help a driver backing into a blind parking space. The person needs to signal to the "driver" whether they are close to a hazard, free to move forward...

My primary use of a safe word has been only in instances that are what I consider hard limits. Example- I am not bi nor do I have any interest in poly. If a master I was involved with decided that either he needed an additional slave or he decided he wanted to have a threesome with a woman he met..I would use my safeword as an indication that I was not being disobedient or arguing with him...but that I could not be what he wants.

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RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/11/2015 3:35:44 PM

LadyConstanze

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss

I think we may be talking about 2 different things.

If your dominant or master is a sadist or if you are participating in some type of physical play as the bottom, then using a safe word is almost like someone using hand signals to help a driver backing into a blind parking space. The person needs to signal to the "driver" whether they are close to a hazard, free to move forward...

My primary use of a safe word has been only in instances that are what I consider hard limits. Example- I am not bi nor do I have any interest in poly. If a master I was involved with decided that either he needed an additional slave or he decided he wanted to have a threesome with a woman he met..I would use my safeword as an indication that I was not being disobedient or arguing with him...but that I could not be what he wants.

I don't get that at all. Hard limits are usually pretty much discussed, I can understand somebody not feeling that great today and feeling overwhelmed, no issue at all...

However poly or anything like that - shouldn't that be out at the start of a relationship, and why would anybody need a safeword to mention that as an indication? I would think that would be laid down as a rule when people get into a relationship, and what happened to good old fashioned talk? Don't people do that anymore?

If I enter a relationship and I make clear I consider it exclusive and the other party agrees, what on earth is being disobedient about reminding somebody about what was agreed on?

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RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/11/2015 3:55:50 PM

DesFIP

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If he suddenly decided he was poly, I wouldn't safe word. I'd wish him good luck finding two new partners while I looked for someone more compatible with me. That's a deal breaker for me.

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RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/11/2015 4:06:48 PM

OsideGirl

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I don't consider that a safe word situation either. We negotiated when we decided to engage in the power dynamic part of our relationship. If either one of us decides that we want to change the terms of our relationship, it requires conversation and it's perfectly understood that the other may not agree.

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RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/11/2015 6:01:09 PM

TieMeInKnottss

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Unfortunately, I had a bad experience there. Some men believe that "if you try it you will like it". When I was upset by the fact that he had not told me that his ultimate relationship goal was a Mff, many people (both dominant and sub) told me that it was a master's perogative This, from that point forward, I clearly state that this is a hard limit for me.

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RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/11/2015 6:51:04 PM

DesFIP

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I don't get involved with liars. And someone who said one thing while planning something else is a liar. We discussed poly/mono before we even played the first time. If we hadn't been on the same page, we wouldn't have gotten to that first play date.

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RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/12/2015 12:05:34 AM

Nthrall

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Dears, you misread what I put. I referred to reliquishing control, not taking (back?) control.

Consider jumping out of a plane:

1. with a parachute (safeword), and
2. without a parachute (geronimo, arghh, splat).

I imagine a skydiver would experience these quite differently on the way down, and to get that second feeling would require relinquishing control. Perhaps this is for serious "play", but refer to my method for keeping it safe.

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RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/12/2015 7:40:29 AM

DesFIP

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You need to understand that if the dominant instructs the sub to safeword to protect him/herself, then by following those orders and giving them the necessary feedback the sub is not taking back control. In fact, they would take back control only if they ignored the order and didn't safeword when needed.

There's more to control than impact play.

But I do think it's funny that a guy who can't find a sub is telling all of us in long term relationships how to have a good and lasting relationship. You might consider opening your mind if you do want anyone to commit to you.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 12/12/2015 7:43:41 AM >

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RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/12/2015 7:49:58 AM

angelikaJ

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For me, the only consequence would be not safe wording, if I need to.
[My] Master has to trust that I can and will use safe words if I need to.

I have never used "Red".
I have used "Yellow", and only when pleasure has become too intense.

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RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/13/2015 5:46:10 PM

LadyPact

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
If he suddenly decided he was poly, I wouldn't safe word. I'd wish him good luck finding two new partners while I looked for someone more compatible with me. That's a deal breaker for me.

And that's exactly what you should do.

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RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/16/2015 12:50:41 PM

Bhruic

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I think the thing that some people miss about the value of a safe word is that its purpose is specifically for those things that you do not, or can not anticipate.

It's sort of a Pascal's wager of safe words, but I look at it this way... if you agree on a safe word and never need to use it, then fine. But if you eschew the idea of safe words, and someday find yourself in need of one, you might be in real trouble.

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RE: Consequences for safe-wording. - 12/16/2015 1:39:15 PM

DesFIP

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Caveat: It's not uncommon for someone in subspace to be unable to be coherent. Thus you can't depend on them safewording.

Or if you've hit an emotional trigger instead of a physical problem.

Safewords aren't the be all and end all. And tops who put all the responsibility on the bottom by saying they need to safeword for any problems aren't tops I would recommend people play with. The tops should be watching the bottom and making sure skin doesn't look blueish. Make sure the bottom isn't cringing away, but is still in their normal responses.

And if you haven't played together before, then it behooves you to ask about their normal response when they're relaxed and having fun.

There are two people in this, they both should be involved in keeping things safe.

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