RE: Monogamy? (Full Version)

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HisForLife71 -> RE: Monogamy? (3/5/2016 10:40:05 PM)

Thanks again. Interesting to see all the different thoughts and opinions.
And I don't "care" as such, I was just interested.
One thing I don't get is someone saying they are monogamous unless an atteactive prospect shows up. So to me that means you are not monogamous, but you do not swap partners as often as some. That is still non monogamy in my opinion. To me thats like saying
I am vegan unless I see bacon. We are what we are, why try hide it?



Greta75 -> RE: Monogamy? (3/5/2016 11:58:16 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: HisForLife71
One thing I don't get is someone saying they are monogamous unless an atteactive prospect shows up.

Well, to some people, monogamous simply means, sticking to one sexual partner until someone attractive turns out, so until that happen, they are monogamous.

I think when people associate love to have no connection to sex, it's much easier to entertain, open relationships or polygamous relationships.

If often those that feel like, they cannot possibly enjoy sex with someone they do not love, are the ones that would be more strictly monogamous, but then again could also apply to poly, since if their heart is big enough to love multiple people, then whoever they love, they love sex with.

I think monogamous just means, the period of time, you choose to just be with one person sexually.



HisForLife71 -> RE: Monogamy? (3/6/2016 12:02:01 AM)

I guess there are many twists and turns and different ideas of what it actually means to different people. It is not time related to me, it is me 24/7. No matter the situation, attitude, environment or who I am with at any time.



Greta75 -> RE: Monogamy? (3/6/2016 12:08:52 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: HisForLife71

I guess there are many twists and turns and different ideas of what it actually means to different people. It is not time related to me, it is me 24/7. No matter the situation, attitude, environment or who I am with at any time.

And have you asked yourself why is it so fix? So you think your sexual desire automatically cuts off for other people when you settled with one?

Or are you saying you just have such strong beliefs in monogamy and superior self-control that, that's what you are?

I mean, is it naturally just like that? Or do you think it's from efforts you put in to be this way?



ResidentSadist -> RE: Monogamy? (3/6/2016 12:31:06 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisForLife71

Thank you all for your comments. To go to one point, I guess I tried word the loyalty as in loyal to only one person, as I see that poly people claim loyalty to more than one person at once. If that makes more sense? .......

FYI, that is called a closed poly.



HisForLife71 -> RE: Monogamy? (3/6/2016 12:32:58 AM)

I never put much thought into it. It's certainly not merely sexual. It's my absolute natural disposition. I just cannot imagine being any other way. It is no effort or even conscious choice, it just IS.



HisForLife71 -> RE: Monogamy? (3/6/2016 12:35:10 AM)

A closed poly? So a poly then, even if slightly less active. Why so many different words, terms, definitions etc?



Greta75 -> RE: Monogamy? (3/6/2016 12:38:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisForLife71

I never put much thought into it. It's certainly not merely sexual. It's my absolute natural disposition. I just cannot imagine being any other way. It is no effort or even conscious choice, it just IS.

If it's just IS for you, then perhaps, those who aren't just IS are not naturally monogamous by nature. It could be an orientation.

I do wonder how many are "Just Is".

For me, it's conscious choice, and it's such a choice that, I always respect my partner's choice. Whether my relationship is monogamy or open relationship, is 101% reliant on my partner's choice and not my own. I'm flexible either way. But I cannot take polygamous relationship, as that indicates a man loving more than one. I have to be number 1 in his heart, I don't care how many other women he has sex with, but it's not cool for him to love another woman as much as he loves me, unless that's his mom or sister ha! If he loved someone else not related to him as equally as he loves me, I'm volunteering to leave and get out of that triangle, and he can just be with her. I wouldn't want him anymore.



Greta75 -> RE: Monogamy? (3/6/2016 12:43:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisForLife71

A closed poly? So a poly then, even if slightly less active. Why so many different words, terms, definitions etc?


A close poly means that, if you have 3 wives. And if you choose to have sex with anybody outside of those 3 wives, it would be considered unfaithful and cheating. So some poly people see that as monogamous. And having hearts big enough to love more than one.



HisForLife71 -> RE: Monogamy? (3/6/2016 12:48:10 AM)

Well yes, I guess there is always choice. I could technically choose to sleep around, it's not physically impossible. But nope, I'm simply unable to even think of doing that.
Like I said, so many twists and turns for different people, different beliefs of what it means, how it works etc. That's just the way the world works of course.



LadyPact -> RE: Monogamy? (3/6/2016 12:51:27 AM)

It's because there are different ways of practicing poly. Closed poly (or poly fidelity) means that you are only having relationships and/or sex with a certain number of people, (such as two) and there aren't any additional partners involved. The parties just want to keep their group closed and not involve any additional people. Open poly can mean those who have multiple relationships, but are still willing to have additional people.

Unlike monogamous folks, the term polyamory can mean different things to different people, so you pretty much have to ask a person what poly means to them to know what kind of relationship(s) they engage in.


ETA - Poly fidelity people don't exactly "sleep around". They are only having sex with the people that they are in relationships with. Depending on the structure of the parties involved, the agreement may be that nobody inside the poly group will be having sex with anybody outside of the poly group. If they do, they are cheating just as much as if somebody who is supposedly monogamous with their spouse does it.

This can get a little more complex when you throw D/s in the mix. (Not all poly people are in power structure relationships.) There might be different rules for a Dominant than they allow their s to have regarding additional partners. I see a heck of a lot more Dominants with multiple partners than submissives with more than one Dominant.



ResidentSadist -> RE: Monogamy? (3/6/2016 1:12:54 AM)

As mentioned by others, there are many forms of poly. A closed group only interacts within that group. Even in that case, not all members of the group necessarily interact with each other. A "Poly V" is where person interacts with 2 (or more) others, but the others don't interact with each other. Not all poly groups are bisexual and sleep in a big puppy pile or interact with everyone, they will pair up. An example is that they all have a different color candle and when feeling amorous, they light their candle. A corresponding member will light their candle and those 2 will pair up for the night. So a straight Dom/me can have straight submissives in a closed poly V and you end up with a poly group where no one is bisexual or has sex outside the group. Sorta' like parallel monogamy.



HisForLife71 -> RE: Monogamy? (3/6/2016 1:37:16 AM)

I guess thats what confuses me, all the different bits and pieces, terms and technicalities, why's and wherefore's. It's exhausting learning about it, never mind doing it, hehe.
But yep, to each their own, like I said, as long as everyone is happy within their own "thing" it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I know that myself being in a dd/lg relationship in the first place.



LadyPact -> RE: Monogamy? (3/6/2016 1:47:54 AM)

Don't feel bad. I can be confusing to those who participate in it, too. [;)]

This is very much why you'll see me on threads suggesting to folks when they are getting involved with a poly person to ask them just what they mean when they say they are poly. It's a huge umbrella term that covers all kinds of non-monogamy, so you have to know what people mean when they are saying it.



HisForLife71 -> RE: Monogamy? (3/6/2016 2:22:00 AM)

Yes that certainly seems to be the case. Simple case in point of me calling it polygamy in my first post, when I apparently meant polyamory. Thank you for your input.



UllrsIshtar -> RE: Monogamy? (3/6/2016 8:44:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisForLife71

One thing I don't get is someone saying they are monogamous unless an atteactive prospect shows up. So to me that means you are not monogamous, but you do not swap partners as often as some.

'
Poly isn't the same as swinging.

Poly people don't tend to 'swap' partners. They have relationships with multiple partners.

My husband has been functionally monogamous with me for the last 5 years. He's done so, because there were no other prospects that interested him. There was nobody else he was interested in, and so he was only with me.
Now he's found somebody, and she'll be moving in with us at the end of this month.

He's always been poly. He's always been keeping an eye out for another woman who interested him. Even though he's been faithful to me the entire time while he hadn't found her yet, his faithfulness was a byproduct of the fact that he hadn't found her yet, not something that he wanted. He's had no interest in 'swapping' partners, so even though he's had on multiple occasions the opportunity to engage in one-night-stands, or fuck casual play partners he regularly plays with, he's had no interest in doing so, because he's not into casual sex.

When it's about love, it's very possible for somebody to act monogamous, UNTIL they find another person to love.
That doesn't mean that they were monogamous while they were a 100% faithful to one person, it just means that it looked to you like they were monogamous, because they weren't sleeping around a bunch, even though they could.



DesFIP -> RE: Monogamy? (3/6/2016 8:46:27 AM)

Plus for some of us it isn't about loyalty, it's about how we're wired.
I'm demisexual, meaning I don't find people sexually desirable unless I'm already in love with him.



UllrsIshtar -> RE: Monogamy? (3/6/2016 9:00:23 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisForLife71
Why so many different words, terms, definitions etc?


Again, poly isn't swinging.

Poly doesn't equal "running around fucking whoever you want, whenever you want, all the damn time".

Polyamory means "more than one love". It means being able to love multiple people at once, and thus have relationships with multiple people at once. Most of the time, those relationships end up very much being like you're having multiple monogamous relationships at the same time, with there not being any fucking around besides with the people you love.

A closed poly means "multiple people in love, who only have sex with each other, and nobody from outside of the group".

An open relationship means "a couple, who allow each other to have sex with other people, but who don't engage in loving relationships with those other people".

An open poly means "a poly relationships who allow each other to have sex with other people, but who don't engage in loving relationships with people outside of the poly relationship".

Swinging mean "partner swapping. I fuck your wife, while you fuck mine".

There's other terms too, but those are the most relevant ones you seem to be confusing.
The reason so many terms are needed is because there's so many different thing people can do.

3 people in a closed poly, who are sexually and romantically faithful to each other, and who don't engage in outside relationships at all are not the same thing as a married couple swinging, and getting to fuck another guy's wife while his wife gets fucked by another man once a month.
Those are totally different things and so you need a different word to describe them.

A closed poly couple, who are in a closed 3 way relationship where absolute faithfulness is practiced isn't going to take kindly at you telling them that they're 'partner swapping'. Because they're not, they are just 3 people who love each other, and who -besides the fact that they happen to have an extra person in the relationship- want to have the same things in their relationship that you want in a monogamous relationship.







HisForLife71 -> RE: Monogamy? (3/6/2016 9:07:29 AM)

By swap I mean between one person and another, even if it's only between two, not just random people. Although of course that can be termed as swapping too. Just not in the context of what I meant.
And again, to me you either are monagamous or you aren't. It's not a case of "I'm going to be monogamous til I find someone else suitable to add". To me that is nothing like my understanding of monogamy at all. That's more possibly like more selective polyamory (again sorry if I've used the wrong term, I don't know what all the different terms mean in relation to one another), but poly all the same.
But again, we all have different beliefs and ideas.



HisForLife71 -> RE: Monogamy? (3/6/2016 9:09:27 AM)

Thank you for explaining the different meanings. I saw it after posting my last comment.



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