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Does BDSM require "sex?"


Yes
  26% (19)
No
  73% (54)


Total Votes : 73
(last vote on : 9/13/2023 10:27:47 AM)
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RE: Does BDSM require "sex?" - 5/28/2016 4:06:57 PM   
Lucylastic


Posts: 40310
Status: offline 		I do love a man that can dance, and move and lose himself to the music.
Its a bonus, not a requirement:) altho...dammit, maybe I should make it one.

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(in reply to LilJuly76)
Profile   Post #: 101
RE: Does BDSM require "sex?" - 5/28/2016 4:24:10 PM   
LilJuly76


Posts: 1245
Joined: 1/9/2016
Status: offline 		suddenly I miss Patrick Swayze

(in reply to Lucylastic)
Profile   Post #: 102
RE: Does BDSM require "sex?" - 5/28/2016 4:35:57 PM   
Wayward5oul


Posts: 3314
Joined: 11/9/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LilJuly76

suddenly I miss Patrick Swayze

Patrick Swayze passed the torch on to Channing Tatum. And its well-deserved.

(in reply to LilJuly76)
Profile   Post #: 103
RE: Does BDSM require "sex?" - 5/28/2016 5:12:30 PM   
verbatimguy


Posts: 203
Joined: 5/11/2016
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LilJuly76

a lot of people like Mr V there confuse nudity with sex but that's what some people do, jump to conclusions about everything.

I worked for a Dominant once, as his administration assistant, I did most things in the nude and nope didn't require sex either.


Was that domante male?
If yes then sexuality is involved.
Unless you are dominated by both males nd females.
Then no sexuality is not involved.
Unless you are dominated in the nude.
Then yes sexuality is involved.

(in reply to LilJuly76)
Profile   Post #: 104
RE: Does BDSM require "sex?" - 5/28/2016 5:13:52 PM   
verbatimguy


Posts: 203
Joined: 5/11/2016
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LilJuly76

you are right but I'll spell it out for the V person again

oh no wait shout in all caps, had a busy tiring day not involving sex

TO MR V DUDE: SEXY DOESN'T MEAN SEX EITHER

maybe he'll get it now????


Who are you kidding?
Sexy is sexuality.

(in reply to LilJuly76)
Profile   Post #: 105
RE: Does BDSM require "sex?" - 5/28/2016 9:13:56 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Nudity has no intrinsic relationship to sexuality.
There are naturalist resorts all over the world. And I can assure you that there aren't orgies going on all day and night.

Maybe you should open your mind and start learning instead of spouting nonsense.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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Profile   Post #: 106
RE: Does BDSM require "sex?" - 5/28/2016 9:26:43 PM   
Danemora


Posts: 752
Joined: 10/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: verbatimguy


quote:

ORIGINAL: LilJuly76

a lot of people like Mr V there confuse nudity with sex but that's what some people do, jump to conclusions about everything.

I worked for a Dominant once, as his administration assistant, I did most things in the nude and nope didn't require sex either.


Was that domante male?
If yes then sexuality is involved.
Unless you are dominated by both males nd females.
Then no sexuality is not involved.
Unless you are dominated in the nude.
Then yes sexuality is involved.


You really need to stick to things you actually understand and quit yammering about shit you have no clue about. Just saying


< Message edited by Danemora -- 5/28/2016 9:30:06 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 107
RE: Does BDSM require "sex?" - 5/28/2016 9:56:40 PM   
MsTanner


Posts: 134
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Nudity has no intrinsic relationship to sexuality.
There are naturalist resorts all over the world. And I can assure you that there aren't orgies going on all day and night.

Maybe you should open your mind and start learning instead of spouting nonsense.



First one has to have an open mind and the sincerity to learn.
For VG this is nothing more than baiting to see what he can catch.

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(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 108
RE: Does BDSM require "sex?" - 5/29/2016 12:44:09 AM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

Some people have a cathartic experience with BDSM. But BDSM isn't about psychotherapy. The roots, origins and intent of the BDSM arts was all about sex. So although there are many exceptions, I feel it is a gross misunderstanding to say BDSM isn't about sex. BDSM is about sex and exploring limits. BDSM is about sex and catharsis. BDSM is about sex and etc.



See, I get where your coming from, and I agree, most BDSM play is sexual, or at least sexy, and intended to be such.

That doesn't change the fact that for me it's not about sex though. My BDSM exploration predates my sexual maturity. Hell, it predates me knowing what sex even was.
I've been exploring concepts of D/s in fantasy for as long as I can remember, and I've engaged in self-bondage at night in bed since I was 5 or 6 years old (based on my mother walking in once to find me tied to my bed in the morning before I fell asleep before I remembered to untie myself). My power-play, kidnapping, being trained, etc fantasies, my interests in restraints, rope, etc, my explorations puppy/pony/kitten play all predate puberty, sexual interest, or interest in the other gender by over a decade.

It wasn't sexual, to the point that usually in said fantasies, I was some sort of exotic animal, being captured and trained, with the gender of the trainer being so irrelevant that it wasn't even specified. I spent years of not sleeping a single night without some sort of restraint on be, before I even hit puberty (my mom, by the time I was 9, learned not to come into my room if she didn't want to have uncomfortable discussions about rope and chains).

I wasn't sexually abused, or suffered any sort of childhood trauma or anything like that either. I have no explanation for it other than "I was born this way" and "It fundamentally predates, and stands aside from sexual interests".

In fact, when I DID become sexually active, it took me a number of years to first attempt to masturbate while engaging in BDSM activities (prior it being two separate acts, I'd first masturbate and then tie myself up to sleep). And a while after that before the notion hit me "You know, if I told him it'd be okay to fuck me after he tied me up, I bet I could get a BOY to tie me up!", finally alleviating my frustration with inescapable bonds being impossible in self-bondage, although I still found it incredibly annoying that the boys whom I first played with wanted not to just fuck me once tied up, but play with me the entire time, when what I wanted was for them to tie me up and the leave me alone like that for several hours, preferable by leaving the room entirely.

You can say that means I've got a mental disorder, because that's what the DSM claims and perhaps you're right, but the fact remains that BDSM isn't about sex, sexuality or even eroticism for me. Though I highly doubt it, considering that I'm a normal functioning adult with no significant problems adapting or living a fruitful, fulfilling, socially acceptable life. Based on that, I also doubt a clinician would consider my non-sexual BDSM interest and practices sign of a mental disorder, because they way those are diagnosed is by either determining that the subject's behavior is systematically harmful to themselves, or that they engage in compulsive (non-chosen) behavior that's harmful to others, neither one of which apply to me. Through my practicing of completely non-sexual BDSM, I've never harmed anybody else (though I have consensually hurt them) and I've never harmed myself (including no issues with work, social life, family life, self-esteem, body issues, etc).

Sex and eroticism is something that I can add to my BDSM, to enhance it, and to make it a more enjoyable multi-person (vs solo) experience, but it's not a requirement for me, and sexuality certainly isn't the root cause of my interest in BDSM. Gender, sexual interest in the other person, or such things are only necessary when I'm actually looking to add sex to my kink. In the cases where sex and eroticism is unwanted (as in some of the scenes I enjoy) sexual attraction (especially from the Top towards me) is actually annoying, and a distraction.

BDSM isn't about sex and ... for me. BDSM is about BDSM for me, and sex can be an optional component of that.






< Message edited by UllrsIshtar -- 5/29/2016 1:01:51 AM >

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 109
RE: Does BDSM require "sex?" - 5/29/2016 1:42:30 AM   
ThatDizzyChick


Posts: 5490
Status: offline
quote:

BDSM isn't about sex and ... for me.

And that really is the point, that it can be one thing for one and another for another, but some people seem to be unable or unwilling to accept that. They seem to be of the opinion that if it is one way for them it must be that way for everybody. BDSM is entirely sexual to me and not at all for you, and while I have difficulty understanding how something so sexually charged in my world could not be equally sexually charged to others, I can accept that it isn't, just as I can accept that not everybody gets turned on by pain.

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(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
Profile   Post #: 110
RE: Does BDSM require "sex?" - 5/29/2016 4:45:20 AM   
LilJuly76


Posts: 1245
Joined: 1/9/2016
Status: offline 		do you even know what you are spouting off about? no you don't! you must have a gay hatred sterotype or something, several times I have seen you post it's only sexual if it's a male Dominant.

are you even aware there are BDSM relationships that have gay couples or bi couples or one bi couple? No you aren't because to you it's only sexual if it's male Dominant and female slave.

I have had many sessions with male play partners and no sex was involved. sub space is the all the sex I'll ever need, eases tension, makes me feel great, I don't have to think about things even just for a little while.

stop putting words in people's mouths, shut up for once, read what others are saying and maybe you're actually get it.

(in reply to verbatimguy)
Profile   Post #: 111
RE: Does BDSM require "sex?" - 5/29/2016 4:47:34 AM   
LilJuly76


Posts: 1245
Joined: 1/9/2016
Status: offline 		oh listen to me for crying out loud, sexy isn't having sex!

a person can be sexy without having sex.

In the vanilla world I'm a plain Jane, in the BDSM world I have been called many times sexy, from time to time I do BDSM modelling for different shows and sometimes causes.

we aren't having sex!

(in reply to verbatimguy)
Profile   Post #: 112
RE: Does BDSM require "sex?" - 5/29/2016 5:17:53 AM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline 		Nothing requires sex except for engaging in sexual acts themselves.

verbatim appears to be unable to distinguish what sex is... or what BDSM is, for that matter.

Sexual attraction, along with gender preference in a sexual partner, is not the same thing as having sex or even wanting to have sex.

I can think a man is sexy without wanting to have sex with him.
I am straight, but I can see the sex appeal that some women have, and I definitely do not have the slightest desire to have sex with another woman.

I can find certain concepts and activities erotic or sexual arousing without having to engage in sex. Dancing was a wonderful example of this. So is listening to music, beholding other art forms, and having an aesthetic appreciation for sensuality.

Conversely, you (but not in my own case) can have sex with somebody as a means to an end without even being sexually attracted to that person.

There are plenty of BDSM Tops & bottoms who play without ever having sex with one another, irrespective of gender.
Having a sexual gender preference is not necessarily mutually inclusive of preferred gender in a play partner.

Non-sexual service subs may have a gender preference in whom they want to own them, but this D/s ownership preference in wanting either a Master or a Mistress (or having both as a couple), may have nothing to do with sexual partner preference.

_____________________________

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(in reply to verbatimguy)
Profile   Post #: 113
RE: Does BDSM require "sex?" - 5/29/2016 6:48:01 AM   
LilJuly76


Posts: 1245
Joined: 1/9/2016
Status: offline 		I have had Masters, Mistresses and couples as play partners and relationships.

another thing that irks me about Verbatim is that he seems to think you only have sex if it's a male/female couple.

wonder what he would say to one of the original leather communities?

or what about one time I had a play partner that happened to be a female that used a strapon? not having sex because she is a female and not male?

(in reply to FieryOpal)
Profile   Post #: 114
RE: Does BDSM require "sex?" - 5/29/2016 6:48:36 AM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ThatDizzyChick

BDSM is entirely sexual to me and not at all for you


It's not that it's "not at all sexually charged for me", it's that sexual charge is optional.

Compare it to a massage: I could get a really good therapeutic massage, that's not sexually charged at all, where the point isn't sexual tension, and the gender, or sexual attraction between me and the massage therapist is totally and utterly irrelevant.
Or I can do an erotic massage with a partner, where the whole point of the massage is to turn each other on, and potentially lead to sex.

Both will be massages, but both will be very different. Their goals will be different, the mindset will be different, the atmosphere will be different, etc.
The one with the lover will be super erotically charged, to the point that it would just about impossible to not feel sexual tension at all, it would be all about sex.
The professional massage would be totally not erotically charged, to the point that it would be kinda weird to imagine it being erotic.

That's what BDSM is like for me: sex is an optional addition that changes the entire atmosphere and intent of the actions.
As an adult, most of the time I engage in BDSM, it's sexually charged, because most people want that sexual tension, and it's really hard to find play partners for whom the sexual aspect can also be optional. Which is fine to me, because I kinda like adding sex to my BDSM, even though it's sometimes frustrating/annoying that I don't have more options to leave it off. Sometimes I feel almost like I'm prostituting myself: "Yeah yeah, fine, we can add the sex part in if that the only way you're going to be interested in [engaging in the play I want]".

I totally understand that it's not like that for most people. And that for most people, it's erotic all the time. But like you said, just because most people engage in 'erotic massages' all the time, doesn't mean that 'therapeutic massages' aren't possible.





< Message edited by UllrsIshtar -- 5/29/2016 6:56:21 AM >

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to ThatDizzyChick)
Profile   Post #: 115
RE: Does BDSM require "sex?" - 5/29/2016 7:12:57 AM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: verbatimguy
quote:

ORIGINAL: LilJuly76
a lot of people like Mr V there confuse nudity with sex but that's what some people do, jump to conclusions about everything.

I worked for a Dominant once, as his administration assistant, I did most things in the nude and nope didn't require sex either.


Was that domante male?
If yes then sexuality is involved.
Unless you are dominated by both males nd females.
Then no sexuality is not involved.
Unless you are dominated in the nude.
Then yes sexuality is involved.

You are confusing sex and sexuality and also pigeon-holing it into convenient gender-specific boxes.
Life isn't like that.
It doesn't metter if she's dominated by male, female, TG or gender neutral.
Sex and sexuality is not gender specific.



quote:

ORIGINAL: verbatimguy
quote:

ORIGINAL: LilJuly76
you are right but I'll spell it out for the V person again

oh no wait shout in all caps, had a busy tiring day not involving sex

TO MR V DUDE: SEXY DOESN'T MEAN SEX EITHER

maybe he'll get it now????


Who are you kidding?
Sexy is sexuality.

You like twisting words don't you? Because that's NOT what July said.
Re-read exactly what she said: SEXY DOESN'T MEAN SEX EITHER
"Sexy" could mean sexuality, but not necessarily.
Sexy and/or sexuality is NOT sex!!


For your edification
From The Urban Dictionary: sex·y Supposed to mean sexually attractive, however recently it has become a word of ambiguous meaning that morons use when unable to think of a better adjective for something they like.
From The Free Dictionary: sex·y (sĕk′sē) adj. sex·i·er, sex·i·est
1. Arousing or tending to arouse sexual desire or interest.
2. Slang Highly appealing or interesting; attractive

From The Urban Dictionary: sexuality sexuality is just one of those things you are born with, you do not choose it, its just part of who you are, whether you be physically, emotionally & sexually attracted to males, females, or even both.
From The Free Dictionary: sexuality (ˌsɛksjʊˈælɪtɪ) n
1. the state or quality of being sexual
2. preoccupation with or involvement in sexual matters
3. the possession of sexual potency

So "sexy" and "sexuality" have slightly different meanings that you are also confusing.
You need to go back to school and learn these fundamental things that you are ignorant of.
Although Google is useful to look things up as well.

_____________________________

“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.”
George Orwell, 1903-1950


(in reply to verbatimguy)
Profile   Post #: 116
RE: Does BDSM require "sex?" - 5/29/2016 7:17:18 AM   
ThatDizzyChick


Posts: 5490
Status: offline
quote:

It's not that it's "not at all sexually charged for me", it's that sexual charge is optional.

OK, fair enough. Thanks for clarifying.

_____________________________

Not your average bimbo.

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Profile   Post #: 117
RE: Does BDSM require "sex?" - 5/29/2016 7:55:42 AM   
LilJuly76


Posts: 1245
Joined: 1/9/2016
Status: offline 		thank you freedomdwarf I have been saying that all along, verbatim dude seems to have issues openly on a board with me, by twisting my words around to fit his meaning ever since he PM'd me and started calling me real bad names because I don't have sex in my BDSM relationships.

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)
Profile   Post #: 118
RE: Does BDSM require "sex?" - 5/29/2016 8:23:16 PM   
Snitch


Posts: 105
Joined: 1/27/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar
most BDSM play is sexual, or at least sexy, and intended to be such.


^^ that

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
Profile   Post #: 119
RE: Does BDSM require "sex?" - 5/29/2016 10:50:59 PM   
verbatimguy


Posts: 203
Joined: 5/11/2016
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThatDizzyChick

BDSM is entirely sexual to me and not at all for you


It's not that it's "not at all sexually charged for me", it's that sexual charge is optional.

Compare it to a massage: I could get a really good therapeutic massage, that's not sexually charged at all, where the point isn't sexual tension, and the gender, or sexual attraction between me and the massage therapist is totally and utterly irrelevant.
Or I can do an erotic massage with a partner, where the whole point of the massage is to turn each other on, and potentially lead to sex.

Both will be massages, but both will be very different. Their goals will be different, the mindset will be different, the atmosphere will be different, etc.
The one with the lover will be super erotically charged, to the point that it would just about impossible to not feel sexual tension at all, it would be all about sex.
The professional massage would be totally not erotically charged, to the point that it would be kinda weird to imagine it being erotic.

That's what BDSM is like for me: sex is an optional addition that changes the entire atmosphere and intent of the actions.
As an adult, most of the time I engage in BDSM, it's sexually charged, because most people want that sexual tension, and it's really hard to find play partners for whom the sexual aspect can also be optional. Which is fine to me, because I kinda like adding sex to my BDSM, even though it's sometimes frustrating/annoying that I don't have more options to leave it off. Sometimes I feel almost like I'm prostituting myself: "Yeah yeah, fine, we can add the sex part in if that the only way you're going to be interested in [engaging in the play I want]".

I totally understand that it's not like that for most people. And that for most people, it's erotic all the time. But like you said, just because most people engage in 'erotic massages' all the time, doesn't mean that 'therapeutic massages' aren't possible.







You seem to tell the truth much so I will only ask you one questeion which is do you use the sexuel needs of the people who want to play with you at BDSM to your advantage?

You have no power over them if you do not use sexuel. Unless you use loaded guns?
Do you use loaded guns?
Then it is not sexuel.

Your sexuelity is your loaded gun.
You seem to tell the truth to your self so that is why I can ask you such a dangerous question which the others will lie to them selves about the answer to.

< Message edited by verbatimguy -- 5/29/2016 11:00:16 PM >

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
Profile   Post #: 120
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