RE: Asking to be collared - right or wrong?

RE: Asking to be collared - right or wrong? (Full Version)

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SirKenin -> RE: Asking to be collared - right or wrong? (7/21/2006 12:33:48 PM)
Think of it as a traditional relationship. Both male and females can ask for the engagement, so it is in BDSM.. Sooo... Tell him to shit or get off the pot.

yourMissTress -> RE: Asking to be collared - right or wrong? (7/21/2006 1:14:41 PM)
Because you responded while signed in to that profile...

OsideGirl -> RE: Asking to be collared - right or wrong? (7/21/2006 1:22:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: 1fundom Caretakr: When you say that "you prefer not to have a committment of that magnitude pushed onto me" that a sub asking to be collared is pushing her wants/desires onto the DOM? Are you saying that this is not an appropriate request from a sub? Thank you for your thoughts. Hotprofessor Considering that a lot of people think of collaring as being a lifetime commitment, the answer is that pushing that commitment onto either side isn't appropriate. A Dominant should not push a collar onto a submissive if he/she feels that they are not ready and vice versa. Rather than asking straight out for the collar, I feel that a discussion regarding the commitment and goal of the relationship would serve better.

Hotprofessor -> RE: Asking to be collared - right or wrong? (7/21/2006 1:32:47 PM)
Tress: Actually I didn't as I didn't know who 1fundom was . I am not sure if it was a computer glitch or what...still a puzzle to me how that happend.

Caretakr -> RE: Asking to be collared - right or wrong? (7/21/2006 2:47:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl quote: ORIGINAL: 1fundom Caretakr: When you say that "you prefer not to have a committment of that magnitude pushed onto me" that a sub asking to be collared is pushing her wants/desires onto the DOM? Are you saying that this is not an appropriate request from a sub? Thank you for your thoughts. Hotprofessor Considering that a lot of people think of collaring as being a lifetime commitment, the answer is that pushing that commitment onto either side isn't appropriate. A Dominant should not push a collar onto a submissive if he/she feels that they are not ready and vice versa. Rather than asking straight out for the collar, I feel that a discussion regarding the commitment and goal of the relationship would serve better. Yes, asking the Dom puts him or her on the spot. It's like asking "Is my ass too big"? Catch 22, and very impolite and harsh.

justheather -> RE: Asking to be collared - right or wrong? (7/21/2006 3:19:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SirKenin Think of it as a traditional relationship. Both male and females can ask for the engagement, so it is in BDSM.. Sooo... Tell him to shit or get off the pot. Wow, that's a good way, in my neck of the woods, to ask for one thing... Trouble. Quick poll, how many doms here respond well when presented with an ultimatum from their submissive? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? It could be the that concept/symbol of a collar does not weigh heavily in their dynamic and he doesnt consider it as important as other milestones in their relationship. Maybe he's never going to collar her but some day down the line will invite her to cohabitate or marry. Or maybe not. What needs to happen here is some honest communication about needs, wants and expectations. Not ultimatums. To the OP: I know a couple who have been together longer than you have been with your dom....and without a collar. It just isnt a part of their dynamic. She is known to his family and friends as his significant other and he to hers. They both know she belongs to him. There has never been any mention of a physical collar... then there are the many many "collaring announcements" we read here every week that turn into "oops never mind" or even worse "my heart has been broken" only days or weeks later. What matters is the relationship, not the jewelry. If, in fact, a collar is something that holds a great deal of meaning to your dominant, it could be that he just isnt ready to go there yet. It doesnt mean he isnt into you, it doesnt mean you've fallen short, it just means he isnt ready. It can go either way: it isnt important to him and he isnt thinking about it (do you want a collar under those conditions?) or it is important to him and he isnt ready to give you one. Asking for the collar is most likely not going to make him more ready or more inclined to give you one. Try to live in the present day and see what is good about the way things are now as opposed to yearning for what you dont have yet. Maybe there will be some special gift in that for you that outweighs whatever it is you are hoping a collar will give to your relationship.

suggababy23 -> RE: Asking to be collared - right or wrong? (7/21/2006 3:39:38 PM)
Hotprofessor, I don't know your relationship to your Dom so its very hard to say if you should ask or not. Personally I don't think it is impolite to ask at all. Or rather, have a discussion about it. D/s is a relationship that involves two people. Both people need to be happy and have a mutual understanding for it to even begin to work. However, you should ask yourself, what will you do if he says no? Are you ok with sticking it out some more, still giving all that you have given or would that be the signal for you to move on? I think the answer lies more within yourself than any advice that anyone on this board could give you. A collar is a big step in my eyes and not something to be considered lightly. Take some time and seriously evalute your options and your feelings about them and I think you will find this to alot easier to answer. I wish you all the best! ~sugga

mstrj69 -> RE: Asking to be collared - right or wrong? (7/21/2006 3:53:34 PM)
Pushing the collar onto someone else who is not ready is wrong. Thinking about yourself, your wants and what you will do is not wrong and neither is discussing your relationship with your other be they Dominant or submissive. You can always tell them how you feel the relationship is going and ask for their opinion. Eventually you can get around to where you want it to go and find out where they want it to go and is this acceptable or do you want to walk away and look for someone else. The final choice to stay or leave is now yours but try to force something and you are liable to be told to start packing.

lilsubl -> RE: Asking to be collared - right or wrong? (7/21/2006 4:16:08 PM)
when i told Master that i wanted to be slave, He agreed to take me as that. a bit later, i was going to a bdsm event & asked if He would like me to wear something that would signify my ownership. He told me to consider myself collared. 3 months later, W/we have finally decided on the nature of the physical reminder of the relationship & He will place it on me on Monday. at first, i was nervous about the collaring, as i consider it a lifetime commitment, but it just feels so right. i have told Him that i will never ask to be released, but if He should wish to release me, i would accept that decision, as i accept all decisions that He makes for me. the physical symbol & reminder for me is important, because i am a longhaul truckdriver & only able to see Master once per month or so. so, i did ask Him, but the way the question was phrased left Him room to say "no" if He so chose. lilss linea

Hotprofessor -> RE: Asking to be collared - right or wrong? (7/21/2006 4:50:01 PM)
justheather: Thank you so much for taking the time to write and I am coming to the concensus that asking is not always a necessary thing to do...discussing the relationship, expectations, etc is good and I totally agree. Living in the moment (as you suggested) is like taking time to smell the roses...getting caught up in the goal (getting a collar) sometimes hinders our view of the entire picture (relationship)

MrRodgers -> RE: Asking to be collared - right or wrong? (7/21/2006 5:25:31 PM)
Am I wrong ? Again being old-school, the difference singularly, and a great one at that within the spiritual, visceral inner feelings of submission and the service of a slave is to realize her dreams. Dream becomes reality and the master, being the man to whom she would award herself becomes that difference for her. Inspired, she seeks not a collar, but his collar and says so.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Asking to be collared - right or wrong? (7/21/2006 7:31:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Caretakr Yes, asking the Dom puts him or her on the spot. It's like asking "Is my ass too big"? Catch 22, and very impolite and harsh. I'm not sure that it puts the dom right on the spot, it simply opens up the conversation. Secondly, any person can handle being on the spot just fine- if they can't handle something that simple, they probably aren't ready for a long term commitment at all.

Caretakr -> RE: Asking to be collared - right or wrong? (7/21/2006 7:41:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross quote: ORIGINAL: Caretakr Yes, asking the Dom puts him or her on the spot. It's like asking "Is my ass too big"? Catch 22, and very impolite and harsh. I'm not sure that it puts the dom right on the spot, it simply opens up the conversation. Secondly, any person can handle being on the spot just fine- if they can't handle something that simple, they probably aren't ready for a long term commitment at all. You really do have a very ego-centric habit of projecting your personal world into that of others. We aren't all you.

KatyLied -> RE: Asking to be collared - right or wrong? (7/21/2006 8:35:43 PM)
Before you even think about this entire collar thing, you need to define what the symbol means to you and to him. Collars mean different things to different people and it's more important to understand exactly what your relationship is and where it's going, instead of worrying about a symbol that represents it.

happypervert -> RE: Asking to be collared - right or wrong? (7/21/2006 9:01:11 PM)
quote: You really do have a very ego-centric habit of projecting your personal world into that of others. What a comical response! You do exactly that, and then you call LA on it when she doesn't see it the same way you do. LA actually contributed a far more balanced view of the situation than you did. I'd suggest you try to open your mind to a broader view of the world instead of knocking hers.

ownedgirlie -> RE: Asking to be collared - right or wrong? (7/21/2006 9:11:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Caretakr Yes it is innapropriate to ask. The Dminant should do so, if they feel the sub is worthy. Only if that is the way the Dominant wants it to work. Master prefers a girl to beg his training, and ownership, collar and will never ask a girl to do so. First, for him to ask gives her power - the opportunity to say no. Second, he wants to be absolutely certain, with no doubt whatsover, that when she gives herself over to him completely - and this means all power and control - she is doing so willingly and freely. He does not want the submission of a girl who does not need to give it so badly she feels compelled to beg him to take it. He can say yes or no at that point. The first time I asked his collar, he said no, as he did not feel I was ready for it. Months later when I begged for it, it was not easily granted, before he assigned a lot of writing on the subject, to be sure both he and I understand where my head was, and what a collar meant to me, and how I would serve should a collar be granted.

FrankAr -> RE: Asking to be collared - right or wrong? (7/21/2006 9:41:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Wulftooth Don't know about BDSM, but on Gor you can do a submission where a Master must either collar you or kill you. Tal Wulftooth, Even though I have just read only 12 or so of the novels, can you let me know where this has happened, so I can look it up. Thanks in advance. Be well and take care. Master Frank Ar.

Caretakr -> RE: Asking to be collared - right or wrong? (7/22/2006 12:24:28 AM)
Things aren't begged from me,they are earned.

Caretakr -> RE: Asking to be collared - right or wrong? (7/22/2006 12:25:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: happypervert quote: You really do have a very ego-centric habit of projecting your personal world into that of others. What a comical response! You do exactly that, and then you call LA on it when she doesn't see it the same way you do. LA actually contributed a far more balanced view of the situation than you did. I'd suggest you try to open your mind to a broader view of the world instead of knocking hers. I'm not interested in a world of casual fucks. It's not me.

SirKenin -> RE: Asking to be collared - right or wrong? (7/22/2006 5:11:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: justheather quote: ORIGINAL: SirKenin Think of it as a traditional relationship. Both male and females can ask for the engagement, so it is in BDSM.. Sooo... Tell him to shit or get off the pot. Wow, that's a good way, in my neck of the woods, to ask for one thing... Trouble. Quick poll, how many doms here respond well when presented with an ultimatum from their submissive? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? It could be the that concept/symbol of a collar does not weigh heavily in their dynamic and he doesnt consider it as important as other milestones in their relationship. Maybe he's never going to collar her but some day down the line will invite her to cohabitate or marry. Or maybe not. What needs to happen here is some honest communication about needs, wants and expectations. Not ultimatums. To the OP: I know a couple who have been together longer than you have been with your dom....and without a collar. It just isnt a part of their dynamic. She is known to his family and friends as his significant other and he to hers. They both know she belongs to him. There has never been any mention of a physical collar... then there are the many many "collaring announcements" we read here every week that turn into "oops never mind" or even worse "my heart has been broken" only days or weeks later. What matters is the relationship, not the jewelry. If, in fact, a collar is something that holds a great deal of meaning to your dominant, it could be that he just isnt ready to go there yet. It doesnt mean he isnt into you, it doesnt mean you've fallen short, it just means he isnt ready. It can go either way: it isnt important to him and he isnt thinking about it (do you want a collar under those conditions?) or it is important to him and he isnt ready to give you one. Asking for the collar is most likely not going to make him more ready or more inclined to give you one. Try to live in the present day and see what is good about the way things are now as opposed to yearning for what you dont have yet. Maybe there will be some special gift in that for you that outweighs whatever it is you are hoping a collar will give to your relationship. Maybe not, but why should she have to stick around if he is going to dick around? It is basically saying "are you ready for me or not, because if not I am moving on" and there is nothing wrong with that. I would do the same thing. I am willing to wait around for so long, but when it starts looking like some kind of a game I am going to want some concise answers or I am going to move on.

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