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Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist - 7/25/2016 3:32:41 PM

sardonicus87

Posts: 10
Joined: 6/6/2016
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Does anyone else have this issue, or is it only me?

It seems most people, regardless of what kinks they're into, are into them within a D/s context, and D/s stuff just isn't my thing.

To top that off, my girlfriend is a spanko. On average, we go to two spanking events per year. Spanking is OK, but I am more into sticking needles into people. Regardless, outside of those two events, there are several other spanking-specific events.

There's foot-fetish events. Actually, with minimal effort, I can find events for nearly any fetish, and find users for nearly any fetish... except for S&M.

I just feel alone in this lifestyle because masochists, especially female masochists, seem exceedingly rare as it is, but on the rare occasion I run into one online, they're always only masochistic within a D/s context.

It just gets, old. 10 years of searching and I have yet to find more than two people that even understand what S&M is and how it differs from D/s, and never found a masochist play partner.

Or well, this may not be specific to S&M, but does anyone else have this issue of being alone in a crowd, always nobody into what you are? Anyone else into any aspect of BDSM without being D/s? Do you get tired of it being assumed you're a Dom(me)/sub? Or get tired of people asking you about your thing from a D/s perspective and having to explain continually that you're not D/s?

Post #: 1

RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist - 7/25/2016 3:39:41 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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I can understand, where you're coming from. A lot people link them together and many have confused BDSM with D/s.

But, I do know several strictly D/s and strictly BDSM peeps. One of my friends is strictly a masochistic bottom. Most of the Sadists/masochists had a good reputation within the community and never seemed to have problem finding play partners at the local club. That said, they made the effort to get to know the local community.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist - 7/25/2016 3:44:59 PM

LilJuly76

Posts: 1245
Joined: 1/9/2016
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if I wasn't in a relationship I would have play partners that quenched the masochist side of me. I'm just careful who I choose to play with.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 3

RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist - 7/25/2016 4:52:21 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Ok, I looked to see where you are and I'm really glad that I did.

Are you going to 1763 on the non-specific kink nights? Not the foot fetish or spanking parties. Just the open play nights. Check out their calendar under (I think) 1763.net. Atlanta has lots of opportunities but you might not want to go on rope night or specialty stuff.

Go with your girlfriend because women tend to want to make sure it's cool with the S/O that you are playing. Even if it's just pick up play and not sex is involved. Trust me on this one. It happens to my other half all of the time.

I play a lot in clubs and it seems like the needle bunnies take me a bit longer to find. (Male or female.) Beat people? Sure. Wax? Absolutely. Even for me, the good needle bottoms take a bit longer. (When I say good, I mean at least 30-40 needle good.)

I also agree with Oside. Pick up play for the average male top can be *tough* if nobody knows you. They don't know to trust you because you're just another guy they don't know. When you've picked the day you are going to visit, start threads on their Fet pages so people can start getting familiar with you just a bit. If you can, try to hit the munch that's at the Blue Ribbon. It's just around the corner from the play space. Food is good. Prices are reasonable. Better yet, a lot of the kinky people hang out there prior to the club opening so people can talk to you and socialize a bit.

Mind if I make another suggestion? At the very beginning of your profile here, put in the sentence "I am a sadistic top. Not a Dominant who is interested in D/s". People will spot that right away. Unfortunately, the top/bottom options for labels aren't available here, so you have to work with what you've got.

Good luck. If you have more questions, I'll try to help.

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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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(in reply to LilJuly76)

Post #: 4

RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist - 7/25/2016 5:03:44 PM

sardonicus87

Posts: 10
Joined: 6/6/2016
Status: offline

Unfortunately, I live in the south-eastern united states. Even in Atlanta, GA, there's not even many events. But I have been all over scenes in Alabama, northwest Florida and Georgia and yet to even find an active masochistic person (regardless of their primary role). And there's no way I am driving 300 miles just to play with someone I have never met before and only talked to online... which a lot of people seem to think is a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

There's one person that claims on here to be a masochistic sub looking for a sadistic Dom. I did message them, and got no response. And no, I didn't run right-out-of-the-gate and say "hey, wanna play?" or something equally poor as a first message. Another masochist moved into the city I live, but they're looking for a relationship with a sadist. I welcomed her to the local community (which has died over the years, there really isn't much of one where I live, but I didn't ssay any of that), but also got no response.

And yeah, I don't harass these people. I try and am sincere, but either they're looking for a relationship or don't play outside of a relationship, which kind of sucks.

When there's so few, you have far less chances. I guess being in a relationship doesn't help my case either.

It just, gets frustrating.

I even tried talking to the local leaders in my "community" about, well they actually approached me because they wanted to start offering education on BDSM and wanted to know if I was willing to talk about S&M, but, like everything else they plan, none of that ever materialised. I also had offered teaching, and I am known within the local community, but nobody was ever even interested about learning about it.

But I have run into other problems. Once, at a local munch (before this particular munch had died), we were all eating and there was a new girl at the opposite end of a long table from me. A woman next to her asked her: "see anything you like?" and she pointed to me (which is understandable because I am one of the few under the age of 55 there, and some women go nuts for my "accent"), and the woman told her "oh no, you don't want to play with him, he'll hurt you". Bear in mind, NONE of these people ever played with me or even knew anyone I had played with, it was entirely based on my openly identifying as a sadist. They have no basis on which to base that opinion.

Even then, I had the leaders once ask me if I would be willing to talk about sensation play. "You mean... the sensation of pain?". I don't know, to me, sensation play is much different than pain play, but it's painfully obvious that my local community doesn't even understand sadism.

I did a few writings on the subject which emphasised that people have different thresholds and tolerances for pain and that these need to be respected and care needs to be exercised.

And yet people still have this stigmatised view of me. My local community, mind you, requires "vetting" now for local events. I wasn't even invited to one of the leader's birthday party recently (but she probably knew I wouldn't be interested in going, I keep in touch to keeo abreast of things), but someone else that is, apparently vetted, had made the request tto have sex with a dog... which did NOT go over well. If that tells you anything about my local scene or it's leadership, they're vetting people who have desires to harm animals. Granted, some people may be OK with bestiality and I am not saying necessarily that it is bad or immoral. However, the local community views it this way and it was still asked by a "vetted" member.

_____________________________

Sardonicus

(in reply to LilJuly76)

Post #: 5

RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist - 7/25/2016 5:12:33 PM

ThatDizzyChick

Posts: 5490
Status: offline

My Other Fella is not interested in the D/s aspect of things, he's the one who does most of the S&M stuff with me, so it's not impossible.

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(in reply to sardonicus87)

Post #: 6

RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist - 7/25/2016 5:12:44 PM

sardonicus87

Posts: 10
Joined: 6/6/2016
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Ok, I looked to see where you are and I'm really glad that I did.

Are you going to 1763 on the non-specific kink nights? Not the foot fetish or spanking parties. Just the open play nights. Check out their calendar under (I think) 1763.net. Atlanta has lots of opportunities but you might not want to go on rope night or specialty stuff.

Go with your girlfriend because women tend to want to make sure it's cool with the S/O that you are playing. Even if it's just pick up play and not sex is involved. Trust me on this one. It happens to my other half all of the time.

I play a lot in clubs and it seems like the needle bunnies take me a bit longer to find. (Male or female.) Beat people? Sure. Wax? Absolutely. Even for me, the good needle bottoms take a bit longer. (When I say good, I mean at least 30-40 needle good.)

I also agree with Oside. Pick up play for the average male top can be *tough* if nobody knows you. They don't know to trust you because you're just another guy they don't know. When you've picked the day you are going to visit, start threads on their Fet pages so people can start getting familiar with you just a bit. If you can, try to hit the munch that's at the Blue Ribbon. It's just around the corner from the play space. Food is good. Prices are reasonable. Better yet, a lot of the kinky people hang out there prior to the club opening so people can talk to you and socialize a bit.

Mind if I make another suggestion? At the very beginning of your profile here, put in the sentence "I am a sadistic top. Not a Dominant who is interested in D/s". People will spot that right away. Unfortunately, the top/bottom options for labels aren't available here, so you have to work with what you've got.

Good luck. If you have more questions, I'll try to help.

I can't afford to drive up there. I have been to 1763 before, but she can't just take off work to go spend the night in Atlanta. It costs money to be a member, which I don't mind, but I can't afford to drive a 7 hour round-trip multiple times per month and/or pay for a hotel room if I am tired at midnight when things end and don't ffeel like driving 3.5 hours to get home at 4 am to turn around and get back up at 7, and she certainly can't do that with work.

Weekends are easier, but again, money is an issue. Does 1763 have S&M specific nights? The one time we went, it was general BDSM, and not anything specific. It was a terrible experience honestly. The one booth (play piercing) I wanted to see had the fewest chairs and over half of them were filled the whole night with people not paying attention to the demo, and none of the DM's were addressing people just hanging around demo booths rather than hanging in the designated hang out areas. Even then, I couldn't really tell who was a DM half the time and the few I found were busy talking up gaggles of girls, not even paying attention to the rest of the room.

I wasn't very impressed. It was an extremely crowded night and other nights or fetish specific nights might be better, but again, that's aa long way to drive and a lot of money just to get known enough there to be trusted.

At the moment, I don't have a job, and this week, I have an interview for a night position, 6 nights per week. If I get that job, that completely eliminates any ability to go.

_____________________________

Sardonicus

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Post #: 7

RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist - 7/25/2016 5:15:13 PM

ThatDizzyChick

Posts: 5490
Status: offline

quote:

I can't afford to drive up there.

I am always amazed at the excuses people will come up with to explain why they can't make any effort to get what they say they want.

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Post #: 8

RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist - 7/25/2016 5:15:38 PM

Wayward5oul

Posts: 3314
Joined: 11/9/2014
Status: offline

I am only casually involved in my local community at this point, but I know several masochist bottoms. Some are single, some are not, but most regularly play with others at the parties I have attended. Which is a small percentage of what's actually available.

And several in my community have ties to Atlanta, go there regularly, and vice versa. My understanding is that there is a pretty active community there.

It you are interested in taking another look at the Alabama area, you can check out area groups on Fet, if you already have an account. If not, feel free to pm me and I can get you event info on my local and regional groups.

(in reply to sardonicus87)

Post #: 9

RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist - 7/25/2016 5:30:20 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThatDizzyChick

I am always amazed at the excuses people will come up with to explain why they can't make any effort to get what they say they want.

I was thinking the same thing. Where there's a will, there's a way.

No munch in your area, start one. Want a discussion group, start one. Many clubs will pay for a hotel room to have a good demonstrator. Etc, etc...

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to ThatDizzyChick)

Post #: 10

RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist - 7/25/2016 5:34:54 PM

kiwisub22

Posts: 450
Joined: 7/16/2016
Status: offline

OP - I identify as a submissive, and when my dom died, I was looking for another dom.
I met my sweetie, who was new to everything, but knew he was kinky - just wasn't completely sure how.

He turns out to be sadist as hell, and not in the least dominant. He reckons it's too much work!

Being submissive with masochist tendencies, I have had to change some expectations, and give up some ideas, but I did and we are very happy together.

I think my point is, is that the relationship is more important to me than individual elements, and getting to know a person may make this work for you. Since there doesn't seem to be much of a local community for you, you may have to look online a bit further. Though I have to say, since you seem to be mainly interested in needles, you may have a harder time than if you had a more global interest.

Oh hell. If on-one locally is willing to give you a chance, and no-one seems to understand that sadists aren't going to string someone up and skin them alive, you seem to be screwed. The only thing I can come up with is to kill the local community with kindness until someone lets you play, so they can see you aren't a monster.

(in reply to Wayward5oul)

Post #: 11

RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist - 7/25/2016 5:59:36 PM

sardonicus87

Posts: 10
Joined: 6/6/2016
Status: offline

Didn't I just say I tried to start stuff locally?

And I don't think lacking money is an invalid excuse. There are greater priorities than kink, like careers (doesn't apply to me) and general life responsibilies.

But I just looked and there's nothing even close to S&M that is a regular event for 1763, though the munch would be something important to go to to get known and trusted... but having 0 income (and a very limited income if I get this job, which is "night maintenance" at a restaurant), having limited income IS a perfectly valid reason for not making multiple 600 mile round-trips every month. Especially when it's not guaranteed to ever lead to what you're looking for.

But I did say quite explicitly that I did try to get a local group going, or rather, a local educational opportunity at least (there's already a local group, which used to be OK until a leadership change has all but destroyed it) within the local group that already exists.

I also did start a local group and heavily promoted it as open to anyone interested in even learning about S&M. Nobody locally is even remotely interested and tthe local group is rather closed-minded. I don't ssay that because tthey're not interested in learning what I am in to, I say that because it's true.

Also, I never said my primary interest was needles (more baseless assumptions, I mentioned a single kink ONCE as an example and now suddenly my main interest is needles?).

But yeah, I love all these assumptions that I haven't tried starting anything locally (like starting a group that I tried to promote for two years despite an utter lack of interest, or that I haven't tried Q&A or educational opportunities), or that I haven't been involved in my local community for the last 5 or 6 years I have lived here...

Never mind then, fuck it.

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Sardonicus

(in reply to kiwisub22)

Post #: 12

RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist - 7/25/2016 6:00:45 PM

sardonicus87

Posts: 10
Joined: 6/6/2016
Status: offline

I just like how if someone had failure, it somehow has to be ENTIRELY their fault and there's no excuse for it, and then the baseless assumptions start flying.

This is why I never even bother voicing my frustrations.

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Sardonicus

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Post #: 13

RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist - 7/25/2016 6:06:46 PM

shiftyw

Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline

I'm a maso without D/s needing to be involved.

I'm not SUPER maso though. There's a couple of folks here that I wouldn't volunteer my canvas to.

Finding the right person takes time for everyone. Its an investment. Relax and enjoy the ride.

(for the record- I don't attend munches or events for personal reasons. I also won't start either near me because I'd get very little attendence, and likely if anyone found out about it in my small, puritan corner of this country- I'd be run out of town, and I like having a job...so. BUT I think if you can make it to either- great- but its TOTALLY possible to do this without that- I used OKC to find my man)

(in reply to kiwisub22)

Post #: 14

RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist - 7/25/2016 6:11:44 PM

ThatDizzyChick

Posts: 5490
Status: offline

quote:

And I don't think lacking money is an invalid excuse.

Dude, I afforded my adventures while working part time waiting tables and attending university without a loan. If I could find the money you can too.

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Not your average bimbo.

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Post #: 15

RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist - 7/25/2016 7:08:28 PM

sardonicus87

Posts: 10
Joined: 6/6/2016
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shiftyw

I'm a maso without D/s needing to be involved.

I'm not SUPER maso though. There's a couple of folks here that I wouldn't volunteer my canvas to.

Finding the right person takes time for everyone. Its an investment. Relax and enjoy the ride.

(for the record- I don't attend munches or events for personal reasons. I also won't start either near me because I'd get very little attendence, and likely if anyone found out about it in my small, puritan corner of this country- I'd be run out of town, and I like having a job...so. BUT I think if you can make it to either- great- but its TOTALLY possible to do this without that- I used OKC to find my man)

That's part of the problem here, it's so rural. Fortunately, I don't have to worry about ruining a career.

However, my girlfriend does have a career, and a good one. And being with her, I can't jeopardise anything personally because it might jeopardise her if anyone found out I was with her.

I also recently (3 months ago) stopped attending local munches for reasons which the leader knows about (people that are creepy [the guy that wanted sex with a dog actually said to my girlfriend as she sat next to me, that he: "would like to put her in his suitcase and take her home", despite not ever having spoken to her before] others that can't keep it vanilla in a vanilla setting, etc). There's also some drama within the group's leadership which is rather obvious and tense.

But yeah, it does take time, I fully understand that, but this frustration isn't coming fro someone that's barely been involved for a month and gotten nowhere, this is from a person involved for 11 years and gotten nowhere in the last 10 years).

Some might say "well move". That's not a viable option for my girlfriend, who would have to take a massive pay-cut on top of dealing with an increased cost of living. Nor is it an option for me as I still have to be here to deal with some legal matters (nothing I did wrong, my father died and I am the executor of his estate).

Could I use my girlfriend's money to travel? Sure, if I were willing to do that, but I am fiercely independent and am not comfortable asking her for money to go out of town for my own ends. I prefer to "pay for my own vices", so to speak. Primarily why I am trying to get this job that I have an interview for on Wednesday. My savings are running rather low, and no matter how frustrated I get, pragmatic and necessary life things trump some potential play.

_____________________________

Sardonicus

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Post #: 16

RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist - 7/25/2016 7:18:09 PM

sardonicus87

Posts: 10
Joined: 6/6/2016
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThatDizzyChick

quote:

And I don't think lacking money is an invalid excuse.

Dude, I afforded my adventures while working part time waiting tables and attending university without a loan. If I could find the money you can too.

0 income currently, and every area is different. Without going deep into it, I don't know when you travelled, but times have changed and school isn't the same. School alone has risen 17 fold on the cost of tuition where the cost of living has only risen 4 fold in the last 10 years. Travel costs, while not having increased as much as tuition, have also exceeded the growth rate of the general cost of living in the last 10 years.

Even then, I had travelled in the past and for cheap, staying in $30-per night motels where meth deals go down and sometimes go bad because tthat's all I could afford.

But right now, as it has been for the last 7 years, for me, it's not a viable option. I was out of work for 5 years and recently lost a job I had for a year and a half (couldn't do it anymore with my disability, which, without going into detail, varies from year to year and even month to month, for which I get nothing, actually my SSI case was recently cclosed due to having more than $2,000 in the bank, and I can't afford travel because I have to pay $350/month on no income, eating into my very miniscule inheritance, to pay for insurance because I can't get on my girlfriend's insurance because we're not married).

Every region and time is different, just because you could do it X years ago in X region doesn't mean it's even still a viable option for someone today with your exact circumstances, let alone the plethora of other possible circumstances, none of which I wanted to mention here (like my disability), and none of which would be relevant if people stopped making baseless assumptions about me or my situation.

Everyone has different circumstances and you can't judge anyone based on your own experience, which is limited by not only your region, but the time in which you did things.

_____________________________

Sardonicus

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Post #: 17

RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist - 7/25/2016 7:18:34 PM

Wayward5oul

Posts: 3314
Joined: 11/9/2014
Status: offline

Dude, chill.

I get the time and money part. I am not as involved in my community as I would like to be because of the time factor. I know friends in the community who had to drop out because of the money issue. They are legit reasons. Some people use them as an excuse, but for a lot of people, that really can be what is holding them back.

But of your reaction in this thread is indicative of how you interact with people IRL, then I can understand you having difficulty finding friend in the community.

(in reply to sardonicus87)

Post #: 18

RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist - 7/25/2016 8:44:20 PM

sardonicus87

Posts: 10
Joined: 6/6/2016
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wayward5oul

Dude, chill.

I get the time and money part. I am not as involved in my community as I would like to be because of the time factor. I know friends in the community who had to drop out because of the money issue. They are legit reasons. Some people use them as an excuse, but for a lot of people, that really can be what is holding them back.

But of your reaction in this thread is indicative of how you interact with people IRL, then I can understand you having difficulty finding friend in the community.

It's definitely not how I react IRL.

It's just frustrating to finally vent your frustrations that have been building for years then be instantly accused of a bunch of stuff for no reason.

I mean, how would you feel if stuff built up for years and you finally start to talk about it and everyone jumps on your case and says it's your fault without knowing any of the circumstances?

Also, I am completely chill and not at all upset.

_____________________________

Sardonicus

(in reply to Wayward5oul)

Post #: 19

RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist - 7/25/2016 8:45:05 PM

ThatDizzyChick

Posts: 5490
Status: offline

Look dude, you won't do anything to try get what you say you want, so you won't get it. It's that simple.

_____________________________

Not your average bimbo.

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Post #: 20

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