RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable

RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (Full Version)

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OsideGirl -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 3:37:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983 What the hell could I say to make you all see how devoted I am to this guy? In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter how devoted you are to this guy..and that devotion could end up being used against you. What matters is what he does. I absolutely hope that you end up in a situation where you're happy. I've been in the D/s BDSM community for 25 years, I have a degree in psychology specializing in relationship counseling and have been in a few poly relationships myself. I've seen things like you describe many, many times and the majority of times, the scenario I layed out is what occurs. The reality is that you're only a portion of the situation. You can do everything right and still have it blow up in your face. Jealousy will guarantee that. And hanging on past where you should because you think you love someone is self destructive. So, calm yourself, communicate and if his ACTIONS don't back up his words, be prepared to walk away and protect yourself. I'm going to give a little perspective - you're married to one guy and completely spun over your piece on the side. Your jealousy can do more than just ruin your relationship with your "daddy", it could ruin the relationship with your husband.

Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 3:40:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl quote: ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983 What the hell could I say to make you all see how devoted I am to this guy? In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter how devoted you are to this guy..and that devotion could end up being used against you. What matters is what he does. I absolutely hope that you end up in a situation where you're happy. I've been in the D/s BDSM community for 25 years, I have a degree in psychology specializing in relationship counseling and have been in a few poly relationships myself. I've seen things like you describe many, many times and the majority of times, the scenario I layed out is what occurs. The reality is that you're only a portion of the situation. You can do everything right and still have it blow up in your face. Jealousy will guarantee that. And hanging on past where you should because you think you love someone is self destructive. So, calm yourself, communicate and if his ACTIONS don't back up his words, be prepared to walk away and protect yourself. I'm going to give a little perspective - you're married to one guy and completely spun over your piece on the side. Your jealousy can do more than just ruin your relationship with your "daddy", it could ruin the relationship with your husband. I know. It's why I'm trying to accept this new girl. I'm scared if I ask Daddy for space and time away he won't be there when I get back. I can't risk that.

freedomdwarf1 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 3:43:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983 quote: ORIGINAL: LilJuly76 you have one of the good ones I must say OsideGirl. and like freedomdwarf has stated to the OP many times she needs to bow out gracefully and deal with her green eyed monster, personally she's not able to conduct any sort of D/s relationship, she wants to pull the strings and make everything run her way or the highway. It's going to blow up in her face if she keeps on that route. What the hell could I say to make you all see how devoted I am to this guy? I'm not going to leave him. I don't have to kink your way for me to be genuine. That's bullshit If it was my way or the highway I would have hit the road already. My God, what are you people looking for for me to prove myself worthy of your way? One-sided devotion doesn't cut the mustard. Everything you have said so far indicates that you want things on your terms. As the sub, you don't get to dictate to your dominant. For many dominants, that would be a deal-breaker. We aren't questioning your devotion to him. What we are saying is your absolute stubbornness to deal with a very serious relationship problem that you cannot deal with while also being embroiled in the dynamic. We aren't saying you aren't important to your daddy either. But jealousy is not something he will want to deal with. And typically: "If we all happen to hang out together, he's my focus, not her. The end". He may not be reading from the same hymn sheet as you are. If it comes to a choice between a free body he can train and has no baggage or a good somebody with baggage and serious issues??? Guess what.... no contest. That bratty "I'm not going to leave him" attitude while harbouring your monster just won't work. And just by declaring you aren't going to think like that any more won't cure it either. We have seen this so many hundreds of times in the past that it's almost a certainty bet. I'll be blunt.... Step away and deal with your monster or you'll lose him over it. Period. Your stubborn attitude will just exascerbate the issue, not help it. Believe it or not, we're trying to help you save the situation in the long run but your immature approach to it is just going to ruin it. And no, we weren't all perfect when we started out. But.... we usually listened to advice from those in the know or are living the life you are trying to create for yourself. You, are being a stubborn mule. You listen, but it's in one ear and out the other. quote: ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983 I'm scared if I ask Daddy for space and time away he won't be there when I get back. I can't risk that. You MUST risk it - for the sake of saving this arrangement. As you've been told many times, poly relies on complete and utter transparent openness. You are hiding things from your daddy. That isn't being open at all. It's being stubborn for all the wrong reasons that we've told you about.

LilJuly76 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 3:43:59 PM)
good lord I hate the word twue, it's bounced today online like crazy only to make fun of the ones that have been in the lifestyle for a long time. when I got into it I was lucky, the internet wasn't popular like it has been since the 21st century, plus computers and online was still slow, so I basically learned from my first owner. I didn't know anything about it at the time, I listened to what he had to say and followed his orders. me knowing nothing about it at first kinda did good for me because I didn't have an idealistic fantasy about how BDSM is. Today's submissives want something of a fantasy and that's hard to create or even accomplish.

LilJuly76 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 3:49:55 PM)
all I can say is bravo to you and OsideGirl, we all have been saying the same things to the OP, it's going through one ear and out the other, we all know what will happen, but I'm kinda losing patience with her because she's so stubborn and jealous to see what we are saying.

freedomdwarf1 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 3:56:06 PM)
I'm inclined to agree.... sadly. What's that saying?? Soo far up your own ass that you can't find the light switch? I'm beginning to think this is one we can't save. Almost 200 posts and she still isn't listening. I think she is just going to have to learn the hard way. C'est la vie. Can't save them all.

LadyPact -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 3:57:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Gauge quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact I'll have to come up with a term for this. "Empathy for the first person posting"? Automatic allegiance? "She feels bad." How about "Giving someone the benefit of the doubt"? That, too. I just don't think folks are looking at both sides of this thread. quote: I am about to use the words "we" a lot. I am using it to address the community here on CS as a whole. I usually do not like to use generalizations like this. This is such a fine line to dance because this community has seen a lot. If the community comes down hard on someone we are displaying "clique" behavior and running people off. If we are nice to someone, we are mollycoddling the person and not getting down to brass tacks. Which is right? I suppose that depends largely on the person that posted and asked the question. We tend to react based on the OP's responses to the advice. In this case, had the OP thrown a fit and argued, this thread would be very, very different, but she did not... she listened, and while she may have had to been politely told that she was in for a bad time, she still listened and responded. The thing is, those aren't the only two options. The OP responding/reacting to the thread well doesn't mean she's not being petty. quote: Sometimes telling someone the harsh reality of things is the only way to handle them. I do not feel that this was the case here. Although, telling it like it is can be done many different ways. OK. Tell me why so many people jumped the shark on this one? Highlight one thing that says this is anything more than the OP's insecurities. "Daddy" wasn't screwing everything in sight, jeopardizing her sexual health, or anything like that. In NINE pages, there's not even a hint that he did anything wrong, EXCEPT actually be POLY. The only problem is that "she feels bad". The bottom line here is that the OP is jealous and insecure. quote: I do not have a "poly" dynamic, and I know little if anything about all of the nuances, or what typically can go wrong with those relationships. So, I have only spoken to what I do know. She may be in for something bad, but she is at least going to be talking with her partner. We really can't speak with any authority on what will happen next, we can really only advise based on patterns that are similar. Regardless of what happens, she at least is communicating her feelings to her partner, and while her feelings may not be fair or right or properly motivated, they at least are talking about them. Where it goes from there is anyone's guess. If it's something bad, she's creating it. Like it or not, the OP has a SECONDARY partner in her Daddy, but wants to be treated like number one. That's where the problem lies. Just my $0.02

Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 3:57:31 PM)
"You will fail your way to success. Anything worth doing is worth doing badly until you do it right." Les Brown I'm not perfect, Daddy's not perfect, but I'm not going to give up on us just because I'm scared of failure.

Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 3:59:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LilJuly76 good lord I hate the word twue, it's bounced today online like crazy only to make fun of the ones that have been in the lifestyle for a long time. when I got into it I was lucky, the internet wasn't popular like it has been since the 21st century, plus computers and online was still slow, so I basically learned from my first owner. I didn't know anything about it at the time, I listened to what he had to say and followed his orders. me knowing nothing about it at first kinda did good for me because I didn't have an idealistic fantasy about how BDSM is. Today's submissives want something of a fantasy and that's hard to create or even accomplish. I don't want a fucking fantasy either and I'm willfully learning from Daddy.

Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 4:00:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1 quote: ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983 quote: ORIGINAL: LilJuly76 you have one of the good ones I must say OsideGirl. and like freedomdwarf has stated to the OP many times she needs to bow out gracefully and deal with her green eyed monster, personally she's not able to conduct any sort of D/s relationship, she wants to pull the strings and make everything run her way or the highway. It's going to blow up in her face if she keeps on that route. What the hell could I say to make you all see how devoted I am to this guy? I'm not going to leave him. I don't have to kink your way for me to be genuine. That's bullshit If it was my way or the highway I would have hit the road already. My God, what are you people looking for for me to prove myself worthy of your way? One-sided devotion doesn't cut the mustard. Everything you have said so far indicates that you want things on your terms. As the sub, you don't get to dictate to your dominant. For many dominants, that would be a deal-breaker. We aren't questioning your devotion to him. What we are saying is your absolute stubbornness to deal with a very serious relationship problem that you cannot deal with while also being embroiled in the dynamic. We aren't saying you aren't important to your daddy either. But jealousy is not something he will want to deal with. And typically: "If we all happen to hang out together, he's my focus, not her. The end". He may not be reading from the same hymn sheet as you are. If it comes to a choice between a free body he can train and has no baggage or a good somebody with baggage and serious issues??? Guess what.... no contest. That bratty "I'm not going to leave him" attitude while harbouring your monster just won't work. And just by declaring you aren't going to think like that any more won't cure it either. We have seen this so many hundreds of times in the past that it's almost a certainty bet. I'll be blunt.... Step away and deal with your monster or you'll lose him over it. Period. Your stubborn attitude will just exascerbate the issue, not help it. Believe it or not, we're trying to help you save the situation in the long run but your immature approach to it is just going to ruin it. And no, we weren't all perfect when we started out. But.... we usually listened to advice from those in the know or are living the life you are trying to create for yourself. You, are being a stubborn mule. You listen, but it's in one ear and out the other. quote: ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983 I'm scared if I ask Daddy for space and time away he won't be there when I get back. I can't risk that. You MUST risk it - for the sake of saving this arrangement. As you've been told many times, poly relies on complete and utter transparent openness. You are hiding things from your daddy. That isn't being open at all. It's being stubborn for all the wrong reasons that we've told you about. She has baggage. At least half a dozen bags. Don't get that twisted.

OsideGirl -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 4:04:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1 And no, we weren't all perfect when we started out. But.... we usually listened to advice from those in the know or are living the life you are trying to create for yourself. You, are being a stubborn mule. You listen, but it's in one ear and out the other. My advice is actually coming out of my own stupidity. In my pre-BDSM days, I met a guy who was handsome, dynamic, charming and an alpha. We had amazing chemistry, the sex was amazing. I fell fast and I fell hard. He told me he had been abandoned by his father as a child so he had committment issues. So, even though I was the only one he loved, the only one that undertsood him and the only one that truly knew him.....he just couldn't commit to being monogamous. So, I did my best not to be jealous. Everytime I went out with friends and he happened to be there with a date, I had to pretend it didn't bother me. Even though he ripped my heart out repeatedly, I stayed because I was mad about him and he told me everything I wanted to hear (even though his actions said otherwise). He got his cake and ate it too, while I was miserable. I now realize that he enjoyed the idea of women fighting over him. It buffed up his ego. I wasted 6 years of my life on that fuck. He's now 50 years old, still playing the same old game with women. Walking away from him and learning to value myself were some of the best decisions that I've ever made. I've been with M for 17 years. I'm still madly in love with him. He SHOWS me every day that I'm the most important thing in his world. Look at what I woould have missed.

Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 4:04:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact quote: ORIGINAL: Gauge quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact I'll have to come up with a term for this. "Empathy for the first person posting"? Automatic allegiance? "She feels bad." How about "Giving someone the benefit of the doubt"? That, too. I just don't think folks are looking at both sides of this thread. quote: I am about to use the words "we" a lot. I am using it to address the community here on CS as a whole. I usually do not like to use generalizations like this. This is such a fine line to dance because this community has seen a lot. If the community comes down hard on someone we are displaying "clique" behavior and running people off. If we are nice to someone, we are mollycoddling the person and not getting down to brass tacks. Which is right? I suppose that depends largely on the person that posted and asked the question. We tend to react based on the OP's responses to the advice. In this case, had the OP thrown a fit and argued, this thread would be very, very different, but she did not... she listened, and while she may have had to been politely told that she was in for a bad time, she still listened and responded. The thing is, those aren't the only two options. The OP responding/reacting to the thread well doesn't mean she's not being petty. quote: Sometimes telling someone the harsh reality of things is the only way to handle them. I do not feel that this was the case here. Although, telling it like it is can be done many different ways. OK. Tell me why so many people jumped the shark on this one? Highlight one thing that says this is anything more than the OP's insecurities. "Daddy" wasn't screwing everything in sight, jeopardizing her sexual health, or anything like that. In NINE pages, there's not even a hint that he did anything wrong, EXCEPT actually be POLY. The only problem is that "she feels bad". The bottom line here is that the OP is jealous and insecure. quote: I do not have a "poly" dynamic, and I know little if anything about all of the nuances, or what typically can go wrong with those relationships. So, I have only spoken to what I do know. She may be in for something bad, but she is at least going to be talking with her partner. We really can't speak with any authority on what will happen next, we can really only advise based on patterns that are similar. Regardless of what happens, she at least is communicating her feelings to her partner, and while her feelings may not be fair or right or properly motivated, they at least are talking about them. Where it goes from there is anyone's guess. If it's something bad, she's creating it. Like it or not, the OP has a SECONDARY partner in her Daddy, but wants to be treated like number one. That's where the problem lies. Just my $0.02 Thank you, that makes a lot of sense. He isn't doing anything wrong. I'm still adjusting. I can handle this without running away. I already suggested giving him space to focus on her and he didn't want that.

freedomdwarf1 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 4:08:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983 She has baggage. At least half a dozen bags. Don't get that twisted. No, actually, not from what you've said earlier. She has many random sex partners - that isn't baggage. You are a married woman (with kids) and a huge jealousy issue. That's baggage. Very serious and ugly baggage. We aren't saying HE is doing anything wrong at all. The problems are all stemming from YOU, not him or the other girl. Asking to give him space for the other girl is the wrong emphasis. What you need is for him to give YOU space to sort yourself out. That's a very different proposition completely.

Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 4:15:00 PM)
You know what. Defending my conviction is already making me feel better, so thanks for that y'all

LadyPact -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 4:15:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983 I know. It's why I'm trying to accept this new girl. I'm scared if I ask Daddy for space and time away he won't be there when I get back. I can't risk that. You conjured up ideas why you shouldn't. You're afraid he will leave you for her. In fact, you're terrified.

LilJuly76 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 4:15:15 PM)
true, I guess she'll have to learn the hard way

Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 4:18:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1 quote: ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983 She has baggage. At least half a dozen bags. Don't get that twisted. No, actually, not from what you've said earlier. She has many random sex partners - that isn't baggage. You are a married woman (with kids) and a huge jealousy issue. That's baggage. Very serious and ugly baggage. We aren't saying HE is doing anything wrong at all. The problems are all stemming from YOU, not him or the other girl. Asking to give him space for the other girl is the wrong emphasis. What you need is for him to give YOU space to sort yourself out. That's a very different proposition completely. Well she's in love with at least one of them, and they are regular not random. She's seen most of them for years.

freedomdwarf1 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 4:18:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LilJuly76 true, I guess she'll have to learn the hard way And still not listening. [8\|]

freedomdwarf1 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 4:20:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983 quote: ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1 quote: ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983 She has baggage. At least half a dozen bags. Don't get that twisted. No, actually, not from what you've said earlier. She has many random sex partners - that isn't baggage. You are a married woman (with kids) and a huge jealousy issue. That's baggage. Very serious and ugly baggage. We aren't saying HE is doing anything wrong at all. The problems are all stemming from YOU, not him or the other girl. Asking to give him space for the other girl is the wrong emphasis. What you need is for him to give YOU space to sort yourself out. That's a very different proposition completely. Well she's in love with at least one of them, and they are regular not random. She's seen most of them for years. It's still NOT baggage. Whether she loves them or just loves them for what they give her is immaterial. She doesn't have baggage - you do. She is a free agent and untied. You are married.

Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 4:20:34 PM)
Ok, I'll tell him I can't handle it, I'm jealous and I don't want to see him anymore so I can work on myself Every one else is happy and I'm still miserable. Great solution.

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