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LadyPact -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 8:08:15 AM)
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I'm a bit late to the game. The OP might not come back. If she does, I have a differing point of view.
Sorry, y'all, but I think the only one who got this one on the money was Des. Not that other people didn't make good points about the OP expressing her feelings, etc. I'm just not getting the same vibe as many of the others.
The OP has a V-type poly relationship, with her being the base, the DADT hubby on one spoke and "Daddy" on the other.
The OP's Daddy has a V-type poly relationship starting, with the OP on one spoke and the "new" sub on the other.
Basically, they have an "N". It's clear in the thread that dadt hubby isn't dating anyone else. It's unclear if the "new" sub is currently dating anybody else at this time besides the OP's Daddy. The "new" sub has dated other married men in the past. I'm not sure if the new sub also dates others in addition to the Dominant, but it's made clear that is at least part of the basis for the OP not liking the new gal. (That smacks of hypocrisy, but I'll get to that in a moment.) Even without that, it's not necessarily a closed N because the OP is playing with others, either in a sexual or non sexual way. Until page five, there was no mention that the OP, Daddy, and the new sub would be playing together, and even then, it sounded more like a watching, rather than all three participating in the scenario.
This is not "O" type poly where the OP, the Daddy, and the new sub are all involved together. The OP is very clear that Daddy is a secondary partner. She admits that her dedication is to her husband and family. Kudos for that. She also says that she encouraged her Daddy to have someone else in her life.
Right up until it actually happened.
Now that it has happened, the OP is seething with jealousy, insecurity, thinks it's "all too fast," and has a dash of hypocrisy thrown in there. The telltale signs? The post about how she says "you can only be MY Daddy," (and I could almost hear the foot stomp that went with it) and deciding she didn't like the other woman for, not much more than what the OP and the Daddy are engaging in themselves. You can't *BE* the married person playing with other people (on the up and up, not cheating) and then turn around and decide a person who is willing to play with married people (on the up and up, not cheating) is the bad guy.
To the OP: These folks on the board were very nice to you. They were compassionate because it was obvious that you were distressed. (OK, except for one poster, but he's a few cards short of a full deck. Just ignore that stuff.) My response to you will be a little different.
While I agree that your feelings are valid, I think some of that has to do with you. What you have decided in your own head isn't well translated to the reality. I'm glad you discussed this with your Daddy, even though he wasn't really responsible for what this became.
You do have a right to know that your Daddy is dating others. While you don't necessarily have the rights to details that do not have anything to do with you, (like what movie they went to see or what restaurant they went to) you shouldn't be kept in the dark that another relationship is forming.
Some of this was petty. I'm sorry. Just was. It also demonstrated some things on your part that weren't wonderful. There are some things I'll give you.
You absolutely do have a right to have knowledge about the sexual health practices of your partners. I applaud you for not wanting to bring home the 'gift that keeps on giving'. That's a reasonable concern. It's important in poly to take that seriously.
You did come forward in your concern and you addressed this thread HONESTLY. That is always commendable.
Some things you don't get:
This thread has been very uneven. There have been a few things in it that have been covered that people think your Daddy should do, but you aren't willing to give. If your Daddy's relationship with this new person is independent from you, it is only fair that you treat it in the same way that your Daddy treats your relationship with your husband. Unless you, your Daddy, and your husband are all sitting down together to discuss relationship details, you're not really in the position to ask for that with yourself, your Daddy, and the new sub.
Unless your Daddy and yourself have discussed you having veto power about your Daddy's relationships that are independent from you, please don't assume that you have it. Bottom line, you are not dating her, and from what I can tell, you are not dating them together. You liking her is not a requirement and is not consequential. From what I've seen, you are not a triad, and basically, you want the rights of a primary partner, even though you already have a primary partner of your own.
There's some introspection lacking in this thread on your part. This silly stuff about a paddle (not an insert able) toy (the paddle) being used, etc. When you went out and played last night, did you ask the top if all of the toys were being solely used on you? Are you sure that none of them were a gift from someone else? If you didn't, you are placing unrealistic expectations on other people. Ones that you aren't willing to abide by, yourself.
In my opinion, I think you should do some introspection. Do the things in your V poly (you, your husband, and your Daddy) match up with what you think you are entitled to from your Daddy's V (your Daddy, you, and the new girl)? Are they equal? If not, why not? If your own insecurity has an influence in your answers, that might be a place to start.
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