RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable

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Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 10:17:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact The post about how she says "you can only be MY Daddy," (and I could almost hear the foot stomp that went with it) To be honest: M and I had that rule in place. We each had our own term for him and it was done that way so that each felt like we had something special to ourselves. The difference being that I'm married to M, was on board from the beginning, involved with the second and had veto power (learned that one the hard way). I'll agree with a lot of what you're saying and I'll also agree that we were being nice. We've all seen this situation a million times and we know how it typically plays out. Dom guilt trips the sub into Poly, sub is afraid to speak their mind and defends the Dom, Dom strings the sub along, second sub is spending more time with Dom and talking about first sub, then one day jealousy/frustration/resentment explodes and sub has a screaming/crying fit, Dom drops first sub and second sub gloats - not realizing that it's all going to happen to her too. That's not going to happen. Nope, not gonna let things go down that way. I'm too awesome for that.

Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 10:27:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl quote: ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983 I trust he's not lying to me, he means what he says. I'm going to caution you about this. Never trust words, trust actions. He just told you what he needs to keep you from leaving. While he might be telling the truth - you need to watch was he does to see if what he does matches what he says. You have value, don't let someone use you because you think you love them. Yes, you are right. I still think all three of us getting together and writing down expectations and protocol for behavior between the three of us is important. I'll keep asking for that.

freedomdwarf1 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 10:51:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983 quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact The post about how she says "you can only be MY Daddy," (and I could almost hear the foot stomp that went with it) To be honest: M and I had that rule in place. We each had our own term for him and it was done that way so that each felt like we had something special to ourselves. The difference being that I'm married to M, was on board from the beginning, involved with the second and had veto power (learned that one the hard way). I'll agree with a lot of what you're saying and I'll also agree that we were being nice. We've all seen this situation a million times and we know how it typically plays out. Dom guilt trips the sub into Poly, sub is afraid to speak their mind and defends the Dom, Dom strings the sub along, second sub is spending more time with Dom and talking about first sub, then one day jealousy/frustration/resentment explodes and sub has a screaming/crying fit, Dom drops first sub and second sub gloats - not realizing that it's all going to happen to her too. That's not going to happen. Nope, not gonna let things go down that way. I'm too awesome for that. You may not have any choice in the matter. The scenario that Oside describes is soo common that it is almost the defacto scene and fait accompli for most poly situations. As much as you say it's not gonna happen, I'm afraid it is all too familiar for most of us. I bet if you ask the new sub, she'll also think she's "too awsome" to fail too. That's ok, it's a normal/natural way to think. Your daddy however, may be thinking differently and saying just what he thinks you want to hear. Sadly, again, this is all too common in poly dynamics. To be really frank, there are very few successful poly arrangements. Sad, but true. And to be honest, most of the problems with poly is people not being utterly open, transparent and honest and one or more of the participants thinking they are better or somehow more deserving than another in the group. This is essentially the gremlins associated with jealousy and/or resentment somewhere in the relationship. It's human nature so it's quite a common problem. Very rarely are there a group of people that adapt to each other and all others within the group for any length of time. To be blunt, what you have described here, and your reactions to events, are scarily running along the same lines that most relationships follow. So don't be surprised if the scenario that Oside described comes to pass. Maybe you'll get lucky and be the victor if the new girl slinks off the scene. And there again, what is your dominant daddy going to think of you for wrecking his other relationship that you initially encouraged?? I can tell you one thing - he won't be best pleased, no matter what he tells you. And if you win this contest - what is going to happen when another instant sub comes along?? Are you going to fight the next one as well?? I really don't see any happy outcome from this debacle.

LilJuly76 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 10:53:24 AM)
I go back to what I was saying before, you're the one that is married, if I was the Dominant and I think a lot of Dominants would rather be more involved with the unmarried submissive instead of having a potential drama with your hypocrisy and jealousy going on not to mention your husband and family.

LilJuly76 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 11:01:12 AM)
I do believe she'll go after any other submissive in the picture, I have seen the same scenario that OsideGirl described, heck I was even part of it. It was only one and only poly relationship and I care not to have a repeat performance. My first Dominant 22 years ago. He was living common law with a vanilla, they had one kid and another one on the way. she had no interest in his lifestyle, only had interest in things he can do and buy for her. He introduced me to BDSM, that's how I learned from the ground up and two years later he also took on another submissive, and for some reason she was insanely jealous of me and tried to get me out of the picture. When that didn't happen she came after me with a knife, he cut her loose and I remained with him for another few years until I ended it. But since that time I decided to never be in a poly relationship again.

Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 11:01:57 AM)
So y'all's advice is to basically give up?

MariaB -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 11:23:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983 So y'all's advice is to basically give up? NO! its not all doom and gloom. You have listened and answered people on here and you have taken on board what some people have said. We don’t know your Daddy or what he wants from a relationship and therefore, everything we say about him is second guessing. I wish you all the best and truly hope everything turns out well. Just keep in mind, this can work providing you work out your jealousy issues. I recommend a good book which may help. Its called “The Chimp Paradox” by Dr Steve Peters

LilJuly76 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 11:26:44 AM)
what you have is a sex triangle, an actual poly relationship takes work and everyone is on board and truthful with one another. You are not on board and you are not truthful and neither are they. so basically you have a few option. 1. be satisfied with your husband the man you are married to 2. stay in this love triangle and keep fooling yourself and hurting yourself 3. get into a real poly relationship that takes time and work where all parties are truthful and open and on board with everything for myself I doubt if you can hold a poly relationship if you are going to let the green eyed monster appear and you are attached already which doesn't make you available to the Dominants needs when he wants. The other one is available and that's what's eating you alive.

freedomdwarf1 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 11:28:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983 So y'all's advice is to basically give up? If you cannot accept the other new girl for whatever reason.... yes. Your jealousy, no matter how small, will eventually make the relationship very toxic. Toxic relationships are guaranteed to fail. Poly is a very hard dynamic to keep on an even keel and make successful. It requires complete and honest communication and complete trust all round. Even with your situation (two V's rather than a poly triad), trust and transparency is absolutely paramount. By encouraging your daddy to have a second sub, then to declare that he can only be your daddy, puts an unrealistic strain on his relationship with the new girl. That, in and of itself, will encourage secrecy and deceit and that will kill any relationship - kink or vanilla. Now add your almost uncotrollable jealousy into the mix together with your adamant defiance of not letting the new girl win over you, makes it adversarial at best. Now pour your own secrecy about not telling him your concerns and feelings at the beginning, that puts your daddy in the frame of mind that you may not be trusted in the future. With all that swirling in the mix, with the added bit of you also seeking other partners that your daddy may not approve of, is not good. That is not a winning combination for any sort of poly arrangement. As LilJuly said, given the choice, most dominants would choose a free body over one with baggage. And to be honest, unless your daddy has some serious issue with his new sub, you will rapidly become the #2 sub on the sideline, not his main attention. You can't blame him for that - it's human nature and natural selection at play.

Gauge -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 11:32:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact I'll have to come up with a term for this. "Empathy for the first person posting"? Automatic allegiance? "She feels bad." How about "Giving someone the benefit of the doubt"? I am about to use the words "we" a lot. I am using it to address the community here on CS as a whole. I usually do not like to use generalizations like this. This is such a fine line to dance because this community has seen a lot. If the community comes down hard on someone we are displaying "clique" behavior and running people off. If we are nice to someone, we are mollycoddling the person and not getting down to brass tacks. Which is right? I suppose that depends largely on the person that posted and asked the question. We tend to react based on the OP's responses to the advice. In this case, had the OP thrown a fit and argued, this thread would be very, very different, but she did not... she listened, and while she may have had to been politely told that she was in for a bad time, she still listened and responded. Sometimes telling someone the harsh reality of things is the only way to handle them. I do not feel that this was the case here. Although, telling it like it is can be done many different ways. I do not have a "poly" dynamic, and I know little if anything about all of the nuances, or what typically can go wrong with those relationships. So, I have only spoken to what I do know. She may be in for something bad, but she is at least going to be talking with her partner. We really can't speak with any authority on what will happen next, we can really only advise based on patterns that are similar. Regardless of what happens, she at least is communicating her feelings to her partner, and while her feelings may not be fair or right or properly motivated, they at least are talking about them. Where it goes from there is anyone's guess. Just my $0.02

Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 11:34:09 AM)
I'd accept #2 if it was a serious relationship. I'd understand him having to change the dynamic. I'm not selfish. But not playing second fiddle to a new girl who won't even do a lot of the things he likes.

Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 11:36:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Gauge quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact I'll have to come up with a term for this. "Empathy for the first person posting"? Automatic allegiance? "She feels bad." How about "Giving someone the benefit of the doubt"? I am about to use the words "we" a lot. I am using it to address the community here on CS as a whole. I usually do not like to use generalizations like this. This is such a fine line to dance because this community has seen a lot. If the community comes down hard on someone we are displaying "clique" behavior and running people off. If we are nice to someone, we are mollycoddling the person and not getting down to brass tacks. Which is right? I suppose that depends largely on the person that posted and asked the question. We tend to react based on the OP's responses to the advice. In this case, had the OP thrown a fit and argued, this thread would be very, very different, but she did not... she listened, and while she may have had to been politely told that she was in for a bad time, she still listened and responded. Sometimes telling someone the harsh reality of things is the only way to handle them. I do not feel that this was the case here. Although, telling it like it is can be done many different ways. I do not have a "poly" dynamic, and I know little if anything about all of the nuances, or what typically can go wrong with those relationships. So, I have only spoken to what I do know. She may be in for something bad, but she is at least going to be talking with her partner. We really can't speak with any authority on what will happen next, we can really only advise based on patterns that are similar. Regardless of what happens, she at least is communicating her feelings to her partner, and while her feelings may not be fair or right or properly motivated, they at least are talking about them. Where it goes from there is anyone's guess. Just my $0.02 I don't need to be treated nicely. I know I'm new. I don't expect special treatment or even for you all to trust anything I say. But I do appreciate all the advice and input even if I don't agree with or like some of it. I'm a big girl. :)

Gauge -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 11:38:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LilJuly76 what you have is a sex triangle, an actual poly relationship takes work and everyone is on board and truthful with one another. You are not on board and you are not truthful and neither are they. Hold the phone here. If we take the OP's word for it, they have been truthful about their feelings with her partner. I cannot address the poly dynamic directly, but she seems to want to deal with how she feels and make things right. With all due respect to you and your statement above, I have not seen what you have seen.

Gauge -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 11:43:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983 I don't need to be treated nicely. I know I'm new. I don't expect special treatment or even for you all to trust anything I say. But I do appreciate all the advice and input even if I don't agree with or like some of it. I'm a big girl. :) I will say this, this community has seen a lot of shit posted on the boards, so we view most things with a skeptical eye at first. (Again I hate generalizations) You take what advice you believe applies to you and leave the rest. But don't just take the advice that makes you feel good, sometimes we have to take advice that is harsh and difficult to deal with. I think you have done both.

LilJuly76 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 11:49:01 AM)
she didn't start off being truthful about her feelings, we basically suggested you need to tell him how you feel about the other submissive, she basically said she had no right to say anything because she's just a submissive. at least she took that part of the advice.

LilJuly76 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 11:51:07 AM)
what exactly do you mean about she won't do a lot of the things he likes? What things are you talking about? the fact you call it playing second fiddle yes your jealousy is in the way.

Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 11:51:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Gauge quote: ORIGINAL: LilJuly76 what you have is a sex triangle, an actual poly relationship takes work and everyone is on board and truthful with one another. You are not on board and you are not truthful and neither are they. Hold the phone here. If we take the OP's word for it, they have been truthful about their feelings with her partner. I cannot address the poly dynamic directly, but she seems to want to deal with how she feels and make things right. With all due respect to you and your statement above, I have not seen what you have seen. Thanks, I try. I'm not stupid and I'm not unrealistic. I just want my Daddy for as long as possible but still be happy with him throughout the necessary inevitable changes. It's all I really want.

Gauge -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 11:52:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LilJuly76 she didn't start off being truthful about her feelings, we basically suggested you need to tell him how you feel about the other submissive, she basically said she had no right to say anything because she's just a submissive. at least she took that part of the advice. You are correct, but the statement that I responded to said the opposite and that she had not, to date, been truthful, and yet she has. Not arguing with you, just pointing that out. [:)]

Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 11:52:58 AM)
This girl will either turn out to be what he wants or he'll decide he doesn't want her. Either way I'll be there for him.

freedomdwarf1 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/28/2016 11:57:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983 I'd accept #2 if it was a serious relationship. I'd understand him having to change the dynamic. I'm not selfish. But not playing second fiddle to a new girl who won't even do a lot of the things he likes. I'm sorry, the fact he addresses the new girl as "sub" against your chagrin, implies that he feels it is serious enough for him. Your raging jealousy is showing in your posts. One moment you are saying you're not selfish and in the next few words state you won't play "second fiddle" to the new girl. You are still coming across as being stuck in a sub frenzy and in denial. He may change his mind and kick her to the kerb. But equally well, he could do the same to you. Having an ego bigger than obvious reality is not a good thing. And who are you to dictate who is going to play second fiddle to whom?? You are not the one controlling this dynamic - your daddy is, or should be. If by what you are saying here is anything to go by, you are seriously undermining his authority within the dynamic. That style of attitude is not the way to go about keeping him. It's one thing to state your concerns and feeling but quite another to try and control the situation. As Gauge said, pick out what advice best suits your situation and ignore the rest. But be brutally honest about it - not what just makes you feel good. Bottom line is.... do what is best for you and the dynamic, but don't be soo naive about things floating in your fantasy - be realistic. If that means leaving him and finding something or someone better, so be it. Don't assume you are going in there all gung-ho with a view to beating this girl (metaphorically) into leaving so you get him for yourself again. That's a bad tactic that is guaranteed to backfire on you, badly. ETA: You say "I just want my Daddy for as long as possible but still be happy with him throughout the necessary inevitable changes. It's all I really want". That is a self-contradictory statement seeing as you've said a few times you don't like the new girl and are obviously jealous of her with 'your' daddy.

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