RE: Do you think "trust" is overrated (Full Version)

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LilJuly76 -> RE: Do you think "trust" is overrated (10/5/2016 3:15:40 AM)

I never feared my BDSM relationships.

when I was raped it was vanilla
when an ex boyfriend cheated on me with one of my friends at the time and ended up having 6 kids with her that were all taken away by social services that was vanilla
when I was beaten up by an ex boyfriend he was vanilla.

at that point I stopped doing vanilla.

Unless Dominants are recommended by people in my local community I don't play until I get to know them for a while. All the Dominants I were involved with over the years were recommended by people at the same token I was recommended to them back.

The ones that I met online, just by talking to them found out either they had no clue what BDSM was or they were either looking for a one night stand or a blow job, no thanks not for me. Oh yeah and one pretended to be Dominant even though he would be characterized more submissive but pretended to be Dominant to get submissives to produce milk for him so he can suck on their nipples. So I really don't trust online. in fact I had to add to my profile that I don't do online D/s because recently I had a lot of online "Dominants" that don't live anywhere near me wanting a relationship with me, when I told them know and I only have local BDSM relationships they swore at me and called me names, basically act like children. I guess for me it's about using your head. That's why I always ask them what is BDSM, if they can't give me an answer of any kind, I know I would never meet up with them, for me it's that simple.



WickedsDesire -> RE: Do you think "trust" is overrated (10/5/2016 10:32:32 AM)

Strangely many men do not trust me to be with their women. As my cat selection swells and hot water bottle burn scaring (scarring?-this one think) mounts – it terrifies me but I still cuddle it – as I had accidental word play going on. Even now it warms my pillows…oh an I am considering an easy option the last year or two – is it an easier option hmm Someone to talk to - to know, love and cherish and sell for cake money when I feel ravenous

Does that make me a person that can be trusted?
Does that make the men who do not trust me with their wench untrustworthy?

This one’s about relationships right? And not if they can withstand a potato masher thrashing and the soup ladle of utter bliss before I set them to work own the muffin mines.

Many of you have meandered off let me see in what ways:
1. Predators ive zero time for and they will incur my absolute wrath, dictionary, and thesaurus, and pterodactyl and anyone who encourages - demands this stereotypical malarkey as a form of character enforcement and blooters it all over their CV.
a. Unfortunately there exists certain of the vulnerable who require this kind. And I know I have never gotten through to even in my whole life
b. Some people are designed to like what they like and lack the capcity to settle for anything less – no real comment for me and I don’t eat cakes everyday’s ffs an adequate anology.

2. Pictures fuked all over the internet. And some of you think you have seen me full of ire hmm
a. I am curious to the number of legal picture uploaders on here, and all the rest – must work that out one day when I am bored.
b. I am an oracle (most of the time) and there comes a time soon when the site will incur financial liability no matter how bollocks the sites TOC or how many get out clauses they think they have written in that. So the Italian I was saddened. FB a case now goes to court you either know this case, or you do not. Not even the financial might of that spyware, fuk your privacy can stop it now and that was nice to see…..FB runs at about 10-20% fake profile for those who care for such matters. And that’s the lowest percentage I know off anywhere. (%% bell end curve need to apply even I know this, zero is nonsense but due diligence is that

Think Ive dealt with thus far

One more to cheat – 25%-50% people do – the exactly figure is somewhat murky. I will type carefully here. Tries to remember his age and time it has been at least 16 years since I cheated on anyone.
There are so many grey areas on this one. Can one cheat with a cheat? Can one cheat on a wife/husband beater, an abusive person- who defines this me or you etc…think that’s the grey area, think I missed one kind? Perhaps I never cheated then and will go to heaven and if not heaven absolutely kitty heaven?

True story time alas I like to keep even the more complex of replies to a page, never a chapter, or novel…so b n true story on this one

Oh wait – short version from 28 years ago (look I am 46 I think)
Solicitor ( she was only 6 years older - there logic brains are actually quite puny muhaha)
“James” were you really at a party last night
I “Pinocchio” yes
Bint (look she was a beautiful person) just that someone, a recently wrecked women whos thighs still expel steam) from this city asked my brother at his work if she knew off a “name”
350 000 people in central Scotland what were those odds – bloody maths

I lack the stupidity gene….or the need to dig a deeper hole….heeed me. I held up my hands and said yes.

Ive no time to tell the goldfish story but that utilises the whole of the UK 60 million, and 16 were at a private party in scotland about 12 years ago – this story is about how small the world is and never tell be bullshit stories about goldfish Englanders.

I will end with I see the word “trust” used by people on all these places as a stereotypical form of character enforcement, and these are the many



thorneyone -> RE: Do you think "trust" is overrated (10/6/2016 12:53:22 AM)

The outcome of the conscious decision to "trust" someone is not guaranteed and it never can be.
Whichever way you view it, trust is a gamble.
An overwhelming desire for a certain chain of events or a fantasy often over rides trust.
In an established physical relationship, trust has almost been transcended and comfort and familiarity has taken root.
We should not forget that fear and anxiety is often a big part of someones arousal and taking a gamble is very necessary.



Greta75 -> RE: Do you think "trust" is overrated (10/6/2016 1:18:06 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LilJuly76

I never feared my BDSM relationships.

when I was raped it was vanilla
when an ex boyfriend cheated on me with one of my friends at the time and ended up having 6 kids with her that were all taken away by social services that was vanilla
when I was beaten up by an ex boyfriend he was vanilla.

at that point I stopped doing vanilla.



it just show how everyone experience life different, coming from different environment.
I don't know how the Vanilla scene is so dangerous where you are from whereas it feels extremely safe to me where I am from. I can't imagine anything going wrong on my vanilla scene. Meeting strange men online vanilla is something I have done since 15 yr old, so I have a whole life of experience doing it, and I have always met wonderful good guys. Like no freaks or weird people. All the freaks are easily vetted through online conversations already. And I've met men in Australia, UK and US. All from online and I flew to meet them, and they all turn out well.

But with BDSM, I find I cannot get the same finger on it. I feel like the psychos are very good at behaving normal, and when they are predators looking for prey, they are patient. It's a fun game to them.

But when there is a local scene, or a local bdsm community, I can imagine it is alot of safer.

Where there a community where people know each other and can vouch for the person.

But in my case, there is no local scene. I am reliant on online to meet strangers. So that's where it makes it extremely dangerous, and needs serious proper vetting. And I do not have a single local friend who is into kink. Like zero.



LilJuly76 -> RE: Do you think "trust" is overrated (10/6/2016 3:08:48 AM)

ok well my post didn't mean anything that you think it means.

1. I said my I repeat my BDSM relationships have been good
2. the few vanilla men I were involved with well happened to turn out bad, but I chalk it up to I was young and inexperienced.
3. For years my BDSM relationships came recommended, privately.
4. I"m not saying online looking isn't dangerous-most of my relationships have been through people that I know, 2007 my last Dominant moved to Vancouver, he wanted me to go with him but that wasn't an option for me. I started looking online at BDSM sites, and that's when I invented my weeding out process. The bulk of the people that I came across online had no clue what BDSM was or what the initials stood for. The few people that I met up with, found out quickly they only wanted kinky sex and one was play acting at being a Dominant because he wanted breast milk.

The one that I'm still with today, I met online but he even came recommended by someone I was playing with at the time, who was playing with 5 of us until he chose which one he wanted without telling us, so essentially he tried to fluff me off to someone else and it worked out for us.



Awareness -> RE: Do you think "trust" is overrated (10/6/2016 8:30:58 AM)

Trust is nothing more than the belief that a person's behaviour is predictable.

Deifying it is nonsensical.



ohthat1percent -> RE: Do you think "trust" is overrated (10/6/2016 8:51:42 AM)

Very true.



Greatlilbabygirl -> RE: Do you think "trust" is overrated (10/6/2016 9:37:25 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

Trust is nothing more than the belief that a person's behaviour is predictable.

Deifying it is nonsensical.

Well dang. If that's true, then no one can be trusted.



Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Do you think "trust" is overrated (10/6/2016 6:25:58 PM)

"Context" is everything here.

Some people have extremely or nearly impossible expectations regarding the areas of trust they demand, that it imposes an unrealistic catch 22 or double bind.
I believe this is what you were getting at.

Which is a bit different from trusting in a person's knowledge, common sense, or trusting that no true great physical harm occurs them (past their given consent or expressed limits).

There's a big difference between "Sincerity" and the concept of being "Serious".

There have been moments in my life, where I was Sincere in being attracted and interested in somebody. Then naturally hooking up together for some frisky, sexual adult fun together. Instantly they are pushing and probing for how Serious I was in terms of long-term relationship with them. Mind you, I had very genuine Sincerity and interests in them. Yet, still was not in the place in knowing them well enough to instantly proclaim some deep serious commitment to some extremely "Serious" long term devoted relationship.

This instantly places one into a damn if you don't or don't situation. The outcome of things could be a mere one night stand or number of repeated occurrences which could still go one way or another... for the long term. I do know this, that if you express that you want everything to be really "Serious" and a few months later after you get them even better... (and want to break it off) that you are violating your promise or commitment to being "Serious".

I'm not talking about those situations where two people are together and mutually toying with talk about the possibilities of things becoming more serious. Something which is very relaxed. It's more like one person pushing it in awkward ways. Tone of voice, Body language and such play a big factor in this. Trying to express these moments and situations is a challenge to write about and describe. Some people "get it" and quickly understand, others may not so quickly grasp the concept.

Also one can be extremely Sincere...yet trust issues arise.

Another example is somebody overly questioning...looking, probing and digging for ulterior motives and the likes. This equally challenges and tests another's sincerity.... it can result in the sudden death of a blossoming relationship.

I once had somebody go through my wallet before. Then try to confront me about a few pictures, some old scraps of paper or phone numbers written down on the backs of business cards. I'll be honest, it was not the fact they explored my Wallet which bothered me the most. It was the fact, they had actually believed to discovered a few smoking guns to confront me with... in an attempt to disprove my own Sincerity. I calmly explained everything point by point. But it was "Game Over"... "Sudden Death" of things for me. Ironically I had known her for a few months and we had naturally became more fond and fond of each other, and things started to happen. Irony of it all, I really was very much into her.

I have no idea if any of my reply on this thread are or are not in the context of the OP's intent regarding Trust. LOL

Ironically, I've actually agreed to one night stands before... to find that they really wanted far far more than a one night stand. So that measure of trust I myself had placed in the situation back fired. Life is strange like that. But I was going to say, that I've had been in more trusting situations with those virturally a stranger to me. (With and without kink involved).

There's a whole aspect of body language, tone of voice and general flow of conversation. Also Instincts have a lot to do with things. Trust your instincts, your gut, if it's telling you to not trust a situation or somebody. Many people try to rationalize gut instincts away or see only what they want to see.




Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Do you think "trust" is overrated (10/6/2016 6:27:05 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

Trust is nothing more than the belief that a person's behaviour is predictable.

Deifying it is nonsensical.

Well dang. If that's true, then no one can be trusted.



Only various degrees of trust given. Some people you can trust to not place trust in. Irony I know.



needlesandpins -> RE: Do you think "trust" is overrated (10/7/2016 4:30:32 PM)

It makes absolutely no difference as to whether you're putting your trust in to a relationship, or in to a playmate, if you invest in them them you are open to their betrayal of that trust. To have a playmate give you their word, but betray that is just as hurtful as a partner doing it. To have them do things to make you question your faith in that trust of them, and for them to claim this is hurtful, only to actually prove you were right all along is just as hurtful as a partner cheating. To set boundaries with a playmate, but for them to over step the mark would be just as awful as living with a partner that you knew you could never give certain parts of yourself to.

It's all relevant.

Needles



Greta75 -> RE: Do you think "trust" is overrated (10/7/2016 8:56:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness
Trust is nothing more than the belief that a person's behaviour is predictable.

I think that is a fair way. All the men whom I trust, are very predictable. I hate unpredictability or surprises. So yea, I am thinking of all the men I absolutely trust, I can predict their next move, their thoughts, and whatever they will do in whatever situation. I understand them and I know them. And it's always accurate, and I feel very safe with them because of that. And they have not disappoint, in terms of my prediction of them.

The men who I predict wrongly, makes me feel like, nuh uh, this dude, I don't understand how he works. I don't like that. And I will never trust someone I don't understand what makes him tick, how he works, and he always defies everything I predict of him.

I guess, it comes with, compatibility. If that person will always reach the same rational logic and conclusion as you.

Here is a recent simple example. Some dude online I talking to in negotiation for a ONS. I interrogated him as usual. I got my qualifying questions. Then later he tells me, this conversation is too one sided, he shared so much about himself but I shared nothing about myself. And I simply said, because he asked me ZERO questions. If he had bothered asking me questions, he would have found out things about me he wanted to know!

So then he was like, "I think sex would be great between us if only we can get pass this communication problem."

And then..., that was it. I was like, "What communication problem? You didn't ask me a single question and then get upset that the conversation was one-sided! And now you're accusing me of communication problems?"

And he denies he was accusing me of communication problem.

Right from the get go, I felt he was dishonest already. And that's it, see, that's a bad one. So ignore and move on.



MSTR4SLV30 -> RE: Do you think "trust" is overrated (10/8/2016 1:54:09 AM)

You know i read a lot of these posts, and you see a fair amount of posts from the sub/slave side o the community and every now and then a Dom or Sir will chime in, more often then not especially in this area dating and within the BDSM scene there is a lot of criminal issues and past lives that have been defiled from others actions and a lot o near misses as well, where am i going with this, i believe trust isn't just as important from the sub/slave side and many will agree with this as well, but by the same token given all those issues the less fortunate have received it is equally just as bad for the Dom's and Sir's and even for the Master's to find a sub/slave to run with as well, most find either those that have just come from a bad life changing event, or who are out to take down as many Dom's as they can get their hands on for the actions of an abuser of times past, who have been violated in past times and are looking to test waters ever so delicately even still the insurmountable time we Dom's or Sir's and Masters take to get to know you sub's/slaves we too have a trust threshold to circumnavigate, it is what keeps us safe from the one's who go on a date and we turn them down just to hear there go off and call rape on us, or stalk us, or go mental on us and even psychotic rage issues, we have it just as bad, its not like we can walk up to any lady and say "can i tie you up for awhile and my way with you"

So yeah trust goes both ways, does it stop me from getting my point across to those under consideration , no those that know me, know me as being very Blunt, and i say things as they are intended whether they hurt me or not makes no difference, often times people hide things because they feel it makes them less of a person, i tend to think of my end as being on the edge of just saying what i feel, and what i want and if it offends someone and they scurry off then that's on them "no harm no foul" the one's that interest me are the one's that stay and pick my brain, all to often you hear women say before you can have them you need to stimulate their higher functions, take note Dom', Sir's and Master's it's true the ones you want need to be spoken to and gain their intimacy and their trust before you tell them to grovel at your feet...its just that simple



crazyml -> RE: Do you think "trust" is overrated (10/8/2016 2:54:27 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

Trust is nothing more than the belief that a person's behaviour is predictable.

Deifying it is nonsensical.


I think this is a pretty poor definition of "trust". The concept "trust" is at its most useful when you cannot predict another person's behaviour, but you believe that that behaviour will meet certain criteria.

Yes, you can loosely apply "trust" to predictability - for example some posters on this forum can be "trusted" to behave in a certain way, but I'd argue that that is a slightly contrived application of the term "trust".

[ED to fix the grammar error that I noticed - there may be others]



crazyml -> RE: Do you think "trust" is overrated (10/8/2016 3:02:33 AM)

Meh.

I think that people's attitude to "trust" varies so widely that it's impossible to draw many meaningful conclusions.

On one hand, sure there are people that, because of their past experiences perhaps or the experiences of others, are far too untrusting. The term "trust issues" is used to imply that someone has an issue or difficulty with trust.

On the other hand, it's been my experience, that a very significant number of people are way way too trusting. Over the past 20 years I've met a fair number of potential partners, and in a startling number of cases I've been taken aback by their willingness to trust a relative stranger.

I think in both cases, there needs to be an application of "common sense" to the equation (which of course is something of a non-starter given the eye-stabbing rarity of common sense);

For those with trust issues, its a question of understanding the extent of their exposure, and figuring out what steps they can take to mitigate the risk they perceive.

And oddly, for those who are over-trusting, it's also a question of understanding the extent of their exposure, and figuring out what steps they can take to mitigate the risk they perceive.

In the first case there is a tendency to inflate the extent of that exposure, in the second a tendency to disregard it.



LilJuly76 -> RE: Do you think "trust" is overrated (10/8/2016 5:50:36 AM)

I have had stuff happen in my past to but I don't let it define me. On the other hand I don't go up to strangers and say hey I trust you. I'm cautious and yeah I like to get to know people first, before I make an attempt at any sort of BDSM relationship but I use common sense and don't let my fears overtake my emotion where I will do stupid things, like those in subfrenzy seem to do.



Greatlilbabygirl -> RE: Do you think "trust" is overrated (10/8/2016 12:08:09 PM)

My ex Daddy had his now gone second sub give him the keys to her apartment and have him spend the night less than 48 hrs after they met. So, to me that was too trusting in both their parts. But I also met him on fet, a few days later met him in person at his place and fucked. So yes, I was too trusting as well. It just happens he's a largely trustworthy guy so I was lucky. I've been lucky every time I just met a guy to hook up. But I'm growing more cautious and that trust is waning. I don't even have the desire to hook up with relative strangers anymore. It's too easy, too risky, and my luck is bound to run out so better I cut that stupid risky behavior now.



LilJuly76 -> RE: Do you think "trust" is overrated (10/8/2016 12:12:42 PM)

ugh BDSM isn't about hooking up with someone to fuck them



ohthat1percent -> RE: Do you think "trust" is overrated (10/8/2016 12:35:29 PM)

for some people it is. There is all types of motivation for turning people on -- and if they use BDSM to define the type of person they want to fuck because the BDSM and person turns them on -- then that's okay.. BDSM isn't only about relationships.

Many people simply look for BDSM play partners and it many times involves sex and NOT a ongoing relationship.



LilJuly76 -> RE: Do you think "trust" is overrated (10/8/2016 12:51:19 PM)

that says it all, I'm an old fashioned slave with old fashioned values. I have had 22 years of Bondage/Discipline/Domination/submission/sadomasochisim, I get my kicks from serving a Dominant I trust and sex disgusts me, I guess I'm not interested in grabbing a guy off the internet and begging him to tell me what to do in the bedroom. but I guess that's what the modern day world of submission is fuck me master more more, do it harder master I'm the submissive and I need to tell you what to do to make me happy not you.



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