LadyPact
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Alecta
If you have considered the question of whether you are a top, you have to consider if you are a bottom, it's similar and differentiated only by which side of the leash they are on. Bottoms only want to recieve the experience, they do not "give in to" in the relationship.
quote:
When I feel secure I have no problem submitting and deferring to my partner, but when I see them making big mistakes or not leading it's gone, the will to submit is gone and I take control because I feel forced to.
You need to understand that being content to let the other person take the lead when you think they're making good choices is NOT submissive. It is simply allowing the standing situation. It is exactly the same as when I tell my slave to "surprise me with dinner" when I don't have any specific preference for dinner in mind. Submission/Dominance is what happens when things go wrong, when the dinner placed in front of me is not to my taste. -- Submission is eating it, even under protest, simply because the other person wants me to.
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I don't understand those who say they submit even if their Dom is making bad choices or not leading effectively. That I'm a bad sub for questioning things.
There is a big difference between bad choices and choices you don't agree with. There is also a difference between asking questions/raising concerns, and challenging. You have been consistently confusing these things.
Let's say I want to buy a dog. My slave hates dogs and doesn't want me to have one. That's fine, he can feel however he wants about it, it's not unsubmissive to object. It isn't even unsubmissive to raise legitimate concerns such as whether I could provide a happy home for a dog since I'm not really home enough. Submission is recognising that it is completely up to me to decide and conclude whether I get the dog or not, whether he agrees or not, like it or not.
Submission is giving up all control and place your complete trust in someone. It doesn't mean you never speak or think for yourself, it means when you bring up concerns or information, you bow to the decision of the Dominant no matter what YOU think. -- Which is where you have demonstrated 2 major issues:
1. Either you "submitted" too easily to someone whom you do not actually trust (you SAY you do but you keep mistrusting his decisions and his orders)
or 2. You only "submit" when the situation suits your fetishes; you have a set scenario in your head in which you are "submissive", and it is your way or the high way (sometimes called bottom-topping).
Some submissives feel they should submit regardless of trust, others feel there has to be trust for them to submit, either are right, it's a personal choice. The reason I think you are the second is simply because you keep insisting that you trusted your Dom, so you have to face that you were either lying to yourself about it or you only engage Doms as actors in your submission play.
I strongly believe that you are not a submissive, just attached to the idea of submitting.
I quoted this because it's how I see much of the matter.
OP, I do get the feeling that you like the idea of submitting. You may even be a submissive. The problem is I haven't exactly seen a lot of submissION.
(Yes, I'm basing some of this in what I've seen on some of the other threads.)
Some people do have submissive personalities and some people CHOOSE to submit to a particular person in a relationship. That's something that I think you could get more detailed answers about from those who are actually submitting. I just don't see a lot of that coming through from you.
Case in point. When your ex partner took on another partner, I didn't see a lot of submission in that. You had objections. You made them. (Personally, I never saw anything in any of your own threads that ever convinced me there was anything wrong with this woman except you didn't like her/was jealous of her. She wasn't a liar, a thief, somebody who outs others, etc. You just didn't like that she had your Daddy's attention.) Once you raised your objections, submitting would have been accepting his decision. Instead, you moaned, complained, kicked, and screamed, making the situation a PITA for everyone.
In ways, you kind of remind me of those folks who say they are submissive, as long as they are only asked to submit to the things they want or are willing to do. That's the submission equals liking everything theory and again, most of your fellow submissives are going to tell you that submission isn't like that. There are decisions that get made that you may not like or don't agree with, but a part of submission is accepting the authority of the other person to be the person who makes the decisions and following that person's will on the matter.
For what it's worth, I don't think you're a Dominant, either. You happen to possess a lot of qualities that really don't make for a good Dominant. The self-indulgence that goes overboard, wanting to control other people's relationships, the roundabout tactics that you use when you're not getting your own way... This:
quote:
I'm naturally stubborn, controlling, dramatic, impatient, take charge, blunt, and opinionated and even if I love the guy to death if I think he's making a bad choice or is slipping in an area I can do better or give direction in, I can't keep my mouth shut and I tell him what I think he should do.
Does not make you a Dominant.
However, you probably are having more success in bed with your husband because you've got the service top angle going on. Some bottoms and s-types make great service tops *if* they can utilize the reverse principle. "What would be really hot, sexy, awesome, exciting for me in bed?" Do that to the other person. Viola.
Something you might want to give some thought to. I didn't find the exactly line I was looking for, but to paraphrase, you said situation X was something you COULDN'T submit to. Over all of these threads, I'd have to suggest that the word that would be more appropriate is wouldn't. The situation wasn't a hard limit of yours, didn't cross any of your personal boundaries to be in a relationship, and really, if it was harming you in any way, you were probably doing that to yourself. You might want to consider some introspection as to why that is and if there are things that you might want to work on before you go deciding whether you are ready to submit to anybody.
_____________________________
The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT
Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD
Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.
Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread
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