Why is it so hard to find serious people?

Why is it so hard to find serious people? (Full Version)

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BarbieDollTG -> Why is it so hard to find serious people? (10/31/2016 12:49:41 PM)
I'm a member on here and FetLife. It amazes me how many people post and then respond - only to flake out at the last second. I do not understand why. Even on here people don't seem to reply. Is BDSM a thing of the past? I'm always polite, and on topic when saying hello to someone. I reply to their requests. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I'm male to female and a sub that bothers them or what. I'm serious about wanting to transition and plan to begin so in early 2017. I met a couple online and we plan on meeting in the next couple of weeks, but they are the only ones who seem serious. I'm not sure I get why other people who are closer aren't serious. Is it social anxiety or am I missing something else? I do have profile pics both here and on Fetlife. I would love to meet more people like myself to get support and be supportive of them. But I have a busy work schedule and haven't been able to attend any of the local BDSM events. I've just been very disappointed these last few months. The meeting with the couple I mentioned looks promising but I do want to meet people closer to me. I work hard, I'm friendly and kinky, even if I'm a newbie. The one thing I am waiting for is to be steril when I transition before having sex, which seems to turn down people. BDSM isn't just about sex. There are other ways to be kinky without having it to be just sex. By the way, I live in Sacramento, CA so if you're a loving female domme or dominatrix, I would love to talk. I also have a Kik account but I'll save that info for a private message.

stef -> RE: Why is it so hard to find serious people? (10/31/2016 12:55:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BarbieDollTG But I have a busy work schedule and haven't been able to attend any of the local BDSM events. Make time. Seriously. It'll be your best chance at meeting folks.

Wayward5oul -> RE: Why is it so hard to find serious people? (10/31/2016 1:28:22 PM)
You post is a common one. Its not just you, lots of people have a tough time meting others online. People flake out, they are fake, there are all kinds of possibilities. You have to be patient. You have to be realistic-there are a lot of flakes and fakes. But finding someone can and does happen. And yes, stef is right. Getting out and meeting people is the best way. If you don't have time, that is something you will need to work out. If it is a priority, you will make the time.

OsideGirl -> RE: Why is it so hard to find serious people? (10/31/2016 1:30:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BarbieDollTG But I have a busy work schedule and haven't been able to attend any of the local BDSM events. Here's the reality. Finding a vanilla partner isn't easy. Times that by 10 when it comes to finding a power dynamic partner. It takes putting forth effort and it takes making time.

SmarterThanOne -> RE: Why is it so hard to find serious people? (10/31/2016 4:05:55 PM)
I am a male Dom and I have a lot of luck turning vanilla women. Luckily the activities and lifestyle I enjoy is a common fantasy among many women, so simply living it catches a lot of interest from new partners. I have had very little luck with actual lifestyle women to be involved with.

Greatlilbabygirl -> RE: Why is it so hard to find serious people? (10/31/2016 4:29:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SmarterThanOne I am a male Dom and I have a lot of luck turning vanilla women. Luckily the activities and lifestyle I enjoy is a common fantasy among many women, so simply living it catches a lot of interest from new partners. I have had very little luck with actual lifestyle women to be involved with. That's because you are a predator that preys on the naive and inexperienced.

RedMagic1 -> RE: Why is it so hard to find serious people? (10/31/2016 4:43:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl quote: ORIGINAL: SmarterThanOne I am a male Dom and I have a lot of luck turning vanilla women. Luckily the activities and lifestyle I enjoy is a common fantasy among many women, so simply living it catches a lot of interest from new partners. I have had very little luck with actual lifestyle women to be involved with. That's because you are a predator that preys on the naive and inexperienced. Is this guy a known poster? I'm "new" here and I might be missing some back story. But my own experiences are similar, and I've heard from quite a few women that the scene is a great place to learn skills but a lousy place to date. So it's not just men. My experience with scene women is that most of the "subs" are actually power bottoms. They are very clear what they like -- suspension bondage, pro-quality flogging -- and they look for play partners who can provide that. "Vanilla" women are much more likely to be sub in a "you take charge of everything" kind of way. It's the flip side of the well-known do-me male sub problem that female dominants face, both online and in the real world. Or maybe I'm a predator too. Possible I suppose. But I think it's more likely that this guy has baggage I'm not aware of, or you do.

AtUrCervix -> RE: Why is it so hard to find serious people? (10/31/2016 4:45:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl quote: ORIGINAL: BarbieDollTG But I have a busy work schedule and haven't been able to attend any of the local BDSM events. Here's the reality. Finding a vanilla partner isn't easy. Times that by 10 when it comes to finding a power dynamic partner. It takes putting forth effort and it takes making time. Fact.

AtUrCervix -> RE: Why is it so hard to find serious people? (10/31/2016 4:46:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SmarterThanOne I am a male Dom and I have a lot of luck turning vanilla women. Luckily the activities and lifestyle I enjoy is a common fantasy among many women, so simply living it catches a lot of interest from new partners. I have had very little luck with actual lifestyle women to be involved with. "Turning"?

RedMagic1 -> RE: Why is it so hard to find serious people? (10/31/2016 4:49:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BarbieDollTG I'm a member on here and FetLife. It amazes me how many people post and then respond - only to flake out at the last second. I do not understand why. Because it's online, which has a high flake percentage, and you're trans who hasn't finished transitioning, which increases the flake percentage. (And also increases the "just looking for an experience" percentage, much as Asian women have to handle guys with yellow fever, "Is it true you have a slanted pussy?") Like other people, I think you're best served meeting people in real life. Not so much to date people, in my opinion, more to build a real-world base of friends who support you while you deal with the minefield of dating while trans, online and otherwise. Good luck.

OsideGirl -> RE: Why is it so hard to find serious people? (10/31/2016 4:54:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 But my own experiences are similar, and I've heard from quite a few women that the scene is a great place to learn skills but a lousy place to date. For me: I found meeting kinky people in vanilla settings, like socials or discussion groups, to work for me. It gives the opportunity to get to know someone without sexual pressure. Although, my ex, whom I was with for 6 years, was actually a vanilla blind date and it turned out we were both kinky.

OsideGirl -> RE: Why is it so hard to find serious people? (10/31/2016 4:56:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SmarterThanOne I am a male Dom and I have a lot of luck turning vanilla women. Luckily the activities and lifestyle I enjoy is a common fantasy among many women, so simply living it catches a lot of interest from new partners. I have had very little luck with actual lifestyle women to be involved with. I don't know that I would consider a Dom that has had a lot of submissives a "success".

Diffident -> RE: Why is it so hard to find serious people? (10/31/2016 5:28:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl quote: ORIGINAL: SmarterThanOne I am a male Dom and I have a lot of luck turning vanilla women. Luckily the activities and lifestyle I enjoy is a common fantasy among many women, so simply living it catches a lot of interest from new partners. I have had very little luck with actual lifestyle women to be involved with. I don't know that I would consider a Dom that has had a lot of submissives a "success". If it is a lot of submissives once then that would certainly be a bit of a red flag. The Dom in question might be happy with that though, even if no-one else involved is.

Greatlilbabygirl -> RE: Why is it so hard to find serious people? (10/31/2016 7:52:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 quote: ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl quote: ORIGINAL: SmarterThanOne I am a male Dom and I have a lot of luck turning vanilla women. Luckily the activities and lifestyle I enjoy is a common fantasy among many women, so simply living it catches a lot of interest from new partners. I have had very little luck with actual lifestyle women to be involved with. That's because you are a predator that preys on the naive and inexperienced. Is this guy a known poster? I'm "new" here and I might be missing some back story. But my own experiences are similar, and I've heard from quite a few women that the scene is a great place to learn skills but a lousy place to date. So it's not just men. My experience with scene women is that most of the "subs" are actually power bottoms. They are very clear what they like -- suspension bondage, pro-quality flogging -- and they look for play partners who can provide that. "Vanilla" women are much more likely to be sub in a "you take charge of everything" kind of way. It's the flip side of the well-known do-me male sub problem that female dominants face, both online and in the real world. Or maybe I'm a predator too. Possible I suppose. But I think it's more likely that this guy has baggage I'm not aware of, or you do. Because he said "turning" vanilla women. Predatory language. My instincts tell me experienced subs don't give him a chance because they can spot a predator.

RedMagic1 -> RE: Why is it so hard to find serious people? (10/31/2016 8:07:22 PM)
I'm not familiar with that. What's another example of the word "turning" being used by a predator?

Greatlilbabygirl -> RE: Why is it so hard to find serious people? (10/31/2016 8:19:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 I'm not familiar with that. What's another example of the word "turning" being used by a predator? Are you being sarcastic?

Awareness -> RE: Why is it so hard to find serious people? (10/31/2016 8:34:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 Is this guy a known poster? I'm "new" here and I might be missing some back story. But my own experiences are similar, and I've heard from quite a few women that the scene is a great place to learn skills but a lousy place to date. So it's not just men. My experience with scene women is that most of the "subs" are actually power bottoms. They are very clear what they like -- suspension bondage, pro-quality flogging -- and they look for play partners who can provide that. "Vanilla" women are much more likely to be sub in a "you take charge of everything" kind of way. It's the flip side of the well-known do-me male sub problem that female dominants face, both online and in the real world. Or maybe I'm a predator too. Possible I suppose. But I think it's more likely that this guy has baggage I'm not aware of, or you do. No, I think it's just the usual reaction to the power dynamics inherent in a male Dom/femsub interaction. Some of the women here are a tad insecure. To me, the phrase "turned out" means taking a shy woman who's afraid to be open about her desires and removing her guilt so she's more open to indulging her own desire for pleasure. I've done that with women raised Catholic because there's a tendency for guilt to be a powerful inhibitor of their enjoyment of their sexuality. Remove the guilt and they open right up. I've found vanilla women incredibly easy to turn into subs. Most men are too afraid to risk their displeasure, so vanilla women are hungry for guys who take charge. There's nothing predatory about it, although I can understand how damaged women might see it another way.

RedMagic1 -> RE: Why is it so hard to find serious people? (10/31/2016 8:34:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 I'm not familiar with that. What's another example of the word "turning" being used by a predator? Are you being sarcastic? No. I'm curious where you're coming from. I've never heard "turning" in a BDSM context. I've only heard it in a vampire literature context, where the mere mortal is turned into an immortal, erotic, sparkly thing. Is there some context I'm missing?

SmarterThanOne -> RE: Why is it so hard to find serious people? (10/31/2016 11:20:50 PM)
I state exactly what I am looking for up front. I explain how one would opt out of the relationship and how that works. Then I ask consent. As far as I am concerned, any reasonable adult can handle that. As a single man, I do enjoy multiple subs for sexual partners and as long as a sub obeys and is a general improvement to my life, I do not discard them. I generally agree with everything @RedMagic1 said.

SmarterThanOne -> RE: Why is it so hard to find serious people? (10/31/2016 11:22:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl Because he said "turning" vanilla women. Predatory language. My instincts tell me experienced subs don't give him a chance because they can spot a predator. Turning... as in vanilla women into kinksters. SMH.

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