RE: Don't know what to do about this situation

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gnathic -> RE: Don't know what to do about this situation (3/6/2017 8:15:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl Every time I come back to this thread.....all I can think is that this situation could have been avoided by having an in depth conversation about expectations. I happen to agree with this, entirely. It's also exactly what I hope the OP will get out of this thread. There are too many 'unspoken expectations' in this thread, to me. I'm not going to say that I would have necessarily agreed to the OP's preferences about staying the night. I would have looked at several factors. My own comfort zone would have mattered. The fact that I only get to see the other play partner once every couple of months would have mattered. The actual level of BDSM play would have mattered. How well do I really know this person would have been taken into account. How far did the OP go to get to this hotel for a drive and was she really experiencing space from the play. The things that were situational dependent. I did misspeak earlier. In a hotel (or public play space) situation, if I've been having fun, I am going to want to step outside to smoke. Hi again LadyPact, Your responses throughout have been a particular help. What you've specifically said here I actually totally agree with. If she had spoken of any of this to me in a direct conversation at the time of planning the first scene, I would 100% have respected that and gone with her wishes, and appreciate the fact she was being upfront with me. This would have erased the feeling of being used, as I would have understood what the situation was going to be, and would have understood her reasons and fully respected them. I feel like the fact that she didn't express this, nor acknowledge the situation directly when it was clear that my initial assumption was that I would be staying over, that my own needs were not only disregarded, but that they were seen as so unimportant that they didn't even merit acknowledgement. That's more my issue. I think her reasons are totally valid (albeit different from my own approach)... I just feel like not only were their needs met, but mine weren't even acknowledged before they were disregarded. I also feel like that regarding the third party aftercare situation in which she didn't discuss that with me either. She also didn't check in with me until almost a week later (when she was asking for my help with something), so it's kind of the entire situation really.

gnathic -> RE: Don't know what to do about this situation (3/6/2017 8:24:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Shandirra 'Morning OP - My post about you accepting responsibility for you own expectations/actions has fallen on blind eyes. Put this way; what you were experiencing was 'sub frenzy'. That expectant glow, the desire to rush into every new experience headlong and then pray that it stands up to the shiny, bright ideal you've imagined. When it did not conform to your desires, you blamed others for your over zealous and over reaching dreams. quote: ORIGINAL: Shandirra Their intentions may be to incorporate you into their dynamic long term, but trust is difficult to build and shouldn't be rushed. I'm not being needlessly harsh, despite what you may think. I'm saying this as I believe that; unlike the majority of folks that come to the forums seeking advice, you may actually be smart enough to understand the point. Your posts show some thought and consideration, more than the average newbie. Put that brain to use and stop seeking to dodge the issue. By your own account, this was a FIRST SCENE. Did you honestly believe you'd get all the bells and whistles on the first encounter?? No. Re-read my quote. Let it sink in. quote: ORIGINAL: gnathic Haven't you found that you're better able to navigate an issue by discussing with others first...those who could provide a little insight you hadn't considered? No. Because I've found that others' viewpoints will color the issue and muddy the situation. Everything should be handled by one's self and no one else for no one else will suffer the consequences and everyone must be accountable for their own words/actions. Stand on your own feet. Steer your own course. Ultimately, no one is responsible for what happens to you except you. Face it. I'm confused about why you feel it's fallen on deaf ears, as I feel like I have acknowledged that I messed up in terms of not negotiating, as well as for not having realised what the plan was. I also feel like I have acknowledged that they have their own motivations and that their position is valid, despite being different from mine if I were on the couple-side of the equation. So your perception confuses me a little. I think I have the right to my own feelings as the unicorn in the situation. Regarding the need for trust to build and the time required for that, I think I may need to remind that prior to me learning of the reasons for my not being invited to stay, I was of the position that this (the reasons LadyPact provided) was their motivation for such, and I was telling myself to just calm down and that it would happen further down the road and that this was why this has happened (which as I said, I understand and respect as reasons). The point at which my perception on that changed was when the friend told me I wasn't invited because the other sub "wants her to himself". This suggests to me that this may therefore be the plan for the long-term status quo, as it suggests that it isn't due to not knowing me well enough yet, but is because the other sub wants the fun of a threesome, but won't be allowing me to be any more meaningful to the situation beyond a warm body to play with to then be dismissed. I don't want to play under those circumstances, especially when she specifically told me she is interested in more than that. It's what the other sub said that has actually prompted me to start questioning all of this. If I hadn't learned of that, then I would still be telling myself to just calm down and wait and see what happens, because we don't know each other well yet.

DesFIP -> RE: Don't know what to do about this situation (3/6/2017 10:21:22 AM)
I would hope the domme in question does read this and realizes that the third isn't a sex robot, but a person in her own right. Quite honestly, they would do better in the future to hire an escort for this. Instead of leading people on to get them to agree to have sex prior to kicking them out. As far as her having called one of her friends to take you away after dinner, she would have done better to call a cab for you each way. I don't see any signs of them wanting more than NSA. And do believe they used talk of more to manipulate you. You can do better than them.

PantyhosedDomina -> RE: Don't know what to do about this situation (3/6/2017 10:54:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP I would hope the domme in question does read this and realizes that the third isn't a sex robot, but a person in her own right. Quite honestly, they would do better in the future to hire an escort for this. Instead of leading people on to get them to agree to have sex prior to kicking them out. As far as her having called one of her friends to take you away after dinner, she would have done better to call a cab for you each way. I don't see any signs of them wanting more than NSA. And do believe they used talk of more to manipulate you. You can do better than them. Gnathic you should listen to DesFip. Even if they indulge in spending more time with you / socialise before or after next time it may be that they feel under duress to do so and are thus resentful. If it did not occur to them to originally support you it means they don't care and may tell you what they feel you want to hear to get you to have sex with them again rather than genuinely having a care to connect with you as a casual person that they meet for play and treat fairly. The fact the longer term sub asked for you not to be allowed to stay is quite spiteful and I wonder why you would want to be around / let people or a person that does not really like you have access to you're prescious body and you're talents. You should value yourself more dear and I agree with DesFip - if they simply want someone for kinky sex for a few hours etc they should pay for it since they just want a body and not the person inside. You can get casual sex with more worthy and nicer people . If something bad had happened to you on you're way home would you still be wanting to have another scene with such people even if it was so good? I hope you are ok anyway. Be wise for yourself sweet girl and stay lovely :)

gnathic -> RE: Don't know what to do about this situation (3/6/2017 10:54:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP I would hope the domme in question does read this and realizes that the third isn't a sex robot, but a person in her own right. Quite honestly, they would do better in the future to hire an escort for this. Instead of leading people on to get them to agree to have sex prior to kicking them out. As far as her having called one of her friends to take you away after dinner, she would have done better to call a cab for you each way. I don't see any signs of them wanting more than NSA. And do believe they used talk of more to manipulate you. You can do better than them. Hi DesFIP, I would hope she doesn't read this, as I understand that wouldn't be a great way to find out, plus I think that if she's not receptive to the discussion that I do have with her about this issue, then I highly doubt she'll be any more open to my POV by reading this. But I do still appreciate the sentiment all the same :) Yes, personally if I were in their situation and just wanted a body to play with, then an escort would be my approach too. I also would have thought that - if it were the case that they do in fact just want a warm body - then I understand why I have/am being invited even less, especially from the other sub's perspective. If I were the other sub and disinterested in the new sub and against potentiating some kind of a bond with her, then if anything I would feel that all she is doing is taking part in our scene and taking 50% of the attention and fun off of me and onto herself. I would have thought that sharing your Mistress with someone else would be fun because of the shared experience you'd have together as subs. In that situation, I personally would want to foster a bond through time together before and after a scene without playing. The idea of inviting another sub to co-sub with me and my ex-Master sounds fun specifically as a "Look at what he's doing to us"-type thing. From his perspective, I don't understand how my presence - even simply in the scene - is enhancing his own experience. I'm sorry, I'm a little confused about what you meant by the 'cab' comment... Are you meaning that she should have done this to be considerate? That she should have just got straight to the point about not wanting me there and ordered the cab as a way of explicitly expressing that and getting rid of me? I'm a bit unsure lol.

PantyhosedDomina -> RE: Don't know what to do about this situation (3/6/2017 11:02:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: gnathic quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP I would hope the domme in question does read this and realizes that the third isn't a sex robot, but a person in her own right. Quite honestly, they would do better in the future to hire an escort for this. Instead of leading people on to get them to agree to have sex prior to kicking them out. As far as her having called one of her friends to take you away after dinner, she would have done better to call a cab for you each way. I don't see any signs of them wanting more than NSA. And do believe they used talk of more to manipulate you. You can do better than them. Hi DesFIP, I would hope she doesn't read this, as I understand that wouldn't be a great way to find out, plus I think that if she's not receptive to the discussion that I do have with her about this issue, then I highly doubt she'll be any more open to my POV by reading this. But I do still appreciate the sentiment all the same :) Yes, personally if I were in their situation and just wanted a body to play with, then an escort would be my approach too. I also would have thought that - if it were the case that they do in fact just want a warm body - then I understand why I have/am being invited even less, especially from the other sub's perspective. If I were the other sub and disinterested in the new sub and against potentiating some kind of a bond with her, then if anything I would feel that all she is doing is taking part in our scene and taking 50% of the attention and fun off of me and onto herself. I would have thought that sharing your Mistress with someone else would be fun because of the shared experience you'd have together as subs. In that situation, I personally would want to foster a bond through time together before and after a scene without playing. The idea of inviting another sub to co-sub with me and my ex-Master sounds fun specifically as a "Look at what he's doing to us"-type thing. From his perspective, I don't understand how my presence - even simply in the scene - is enhancing his own experience. I'm sorry, I'm a little confused about what you meant by the 'cab' comment... Are you meaning that she should have done this to be considerate? That she should have just got straight to the point about not wanting me there and ordered the cab as a way of explicitly expressing that and getting rid of me? I'm a bit unsure lol. Hello again Gnathic; further to what Desfip stated, yes;. She could have been generous to have a cab collect you and take you home - whether you were staying the night or staying longer or not staying. It's what people do for friends and for casual acquaintances who they are enjoying the benefits of. Personally I'm not into stinginess or a cavalier regard for the welfare of another and it's courteous and also shows care for the wellbeing of the other person as a human being and someone that matters even if the connection is a one off or very transient. Some of us have such standards of care for others. You deserve and should expect good treatment dear. Always :)

gnathic -> RE: Don't know what to do about this situation (3/6/2017 11:08:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PantyhosedDomina quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP I would hope the domme in question does read this and realizes that the third isn't a sex robot, but a person in her own right. Quite honestly, they would do better in the future to hire an escort for this. Instead of leading people on to get them to agree to have sex prior to kicking them out. As far as her having called one of her friends to take you away after dinner, she would have done better to call a cab for you each way. I don't see any signs of them wanting more than NSA. And do believe they used talk of more to manipulate you. You can do better than them. Gnathic you should listen to DesFip. Even if they indulge in spending more time with you / socialise before or after next time it may be that they feel under duress to do so and are thus resentful. If it did not occur to them to originally support you it means they don't care and may tell you what they feel you want to hear to get you to have sex with them again rather than genuinely having a care to connect with you as a casual person that they meet for play and treat fairly. The fact the longer term sub asked for you not to be allowed to stay is quite spiteful and I wonder why you would want to be around / let people or a person that does not really like you have access to you're prescious body and you're talents. You should value yourself more dear and I agree with DesFip - if they simply want someone for kinky sex for a few hours etc they should pay for it since they just want a body and not the person inside. You can get casual sex with more worthy and nicer people . If something bad had happened to you on you're way home would you still be wanting to have another scene with such people even if it was so good? I hope you are ok anyway. Be wise for yourself sweet girl and stay lovely :) Thank you so much PantyhosedDomina. This is exactly why earlier on (page 1, if I recall) I expressed that if this is the situation, I wouldn't be prepared to allow the other sub to have PIV sex with me.. I dislike the idea of a man using me like that and I'm so relieved that we didn't have PIV sex on the first scene. I've been treated so very well by my previous partners, and I want that to continue. It's also why I have been so hyperfocused on this whole issue since hearing that the sub asked for this, and why I so wanted to get some advice and help. And you're right about the finding casual sex elsewhere, as a young, female unicorn you can pretty much find that on a plate. I'm so appreciative of the fact that my first experience with a couple (the long-term dynamic I have mentioned) was such a positive one. If this had been my first one, combined with all the reading about red flags I have done regarding couples seeking unicorns, I perhaps would be wary of every seeking such an experience again. Which is a shame, because when it works, holy fuck does it work.

PantyhosedDomina -> RE: Don't know what to do about this situation (3/6/2017 11:24:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: gnathic quote: ORIGINAL: PantyhosedDomina quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP I would hope the domme in question does read this and realizes that the third isn't a sex robot, but a person in her own right. Quite honestly, they would do better in the future to hire an escort for this. Instead of leading people on to get them to agree to have sex prior to kicking them out. As far as her having called one of her friends to take you away after dinner, she would have done better to call a cab for you each way. I don't see any signs of them wanting more than NSA. And do believe they used talk of more to manipulate you. You can do better than them. Gnathic you should listen to DesFip. Even if they indulge in spending more time with you / socialise before or after next time it may be that they feel under duress to do so and are thus resentful. If it did not occur to them to originally support you it means they don't care and may tell you what they feel you want to hear to get you to have sex with them again rather than genuinely having a care to connect with you as a casual person that they meet for play and treat fairly. The fact the longer term sub asked for you not to be allowed to stay is quite spiteful and I wonder why you would want to be around / let people or a person that does not really like you have access to you're prescious body and you're talents. You should value yourself more dear and I agree with DesFip - if they simply want someone for kinky sex for a few hours etc they should pay for it since they just want a body and not the person inside. You can get casual sex with more worthy and nicer people . If something bad had happened to you on you're way home would you still be wanting to have another scene with such people even if it was so good? I hope you are ok anyway. Be wise for yourself sweet girl and stay lovely :) Thank you so much PantyhosedDomina. This is exactly why earlier on (page 1, if I recall) I expressed that if this is the situation, I wouldn't be prepared to allow the other sub to have PIV sex with me.. I dislike the idea of a man using me like that and I'm so relieved that we didn't have PIV sex on the first scene. I've been treated so very well by my previous partners, and I want that to continue. It's also why I have been so hyperfocused on this whole issue since hearing that the sub asked for this, and why I so wanted to get some advice and help. And you're right about the finding casual sex elsewhere, as a young, female unicorn you can pretty much find that on a plate. I'm so appreciative of the fact that my first experience with a couple (the long-term dynamic I have mentioned) was such a positive one. If this had been my first one, combined with all the reading about red flags I have done regarding couples seeking unicorns, I perhaps would be wary of every seeking such an experience again. Which is a shame, because when it works, holy fuck does it work. Hello again Gnathic. I'm glad I could be of help to you and affirm you're instincts which are not wrong for you. And yes that male sub is spiteful and not a nice person to be around or have touch you're prescious body even. Yes you are prescious and valuable and deserve good and fair treatment always. Be wise for yourself always. Stay lovely :)

gnathic -> RE: Don't know what to do about this situation (3/6/2017 11:25:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PantyhosedDomina quote: ORIGINAL: gnathic quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP I would hope the domme in question does read this and realizes that the third isn't a sex robot, but a person in her own right. Quite honestly, they would do better in the future to hire an escort for this. Instead of leading people on to get them to agree to have sex prior to kicking them out. As far as her having called one of her friends to take you away after dinner, she would have done better to call a cab for you each way. I don't see any signs of them wanting more than NSA. And do believe they used talk of more to manipulate you. You can do better than them. Hi DesFIP, I would hope she doesn't read this, as I understand that wouldn't be a great way to find out, plus I think that if she's not receptive to the discussion that I do have with her about this issue, then I highly doubt she'll be any more open to my POV by reading this. But I do still appreciate the sentiment all the same :) Yes, personally if I were in their situation and just wanted a body to play with, then an escort would be my approach too. I also would have thought that - if it were the case that they do in fact just want a warm body - then I understand why I have/am being invited even less, especially from the other sub's perspective. If I were the other sub and disinterested in the new sub and against potentiating some kind of a bond with her, then if anything I would feel that all she is doing is taking part in our scene and taking 50% of the attention and fun off of me and onto herself. I would have thought that sharing your Mistress with someone else would be fun because of the shared experience you'd have together as subs. In that situation, I personally would want to foster a bond through time together before and after a scene without playing. The idea of inviting another sub to co-sub with me and my ex-Master sounds fun specifically as a "Look at what he's doing to us"-type thing. From his perspective, I don't understand how my presence - even simply in the scene - is enhancing his own experience. I'm sorry, I'm a little confused about what you meant by the 'cab' comment... Are you meaning that she should have done this to be considerate? That she should have just got straight to the point about not wanting me there and ordered the cab as a way of explicitly expressing that and getting rid of me? I'm a bit unsure lol. Hello again Gnathic; further to what Desfip stated, yes;. She could have been generous to have a cab collect you and take you home - whether you were staying the night or staying longer or not staying. It's what people do for friends and for casual acquaintances who they are enjoying the benefits of. Personally I'm not into stinginess or a cavalier regard for the welfare of another and it's courteous and also shows care for the wellbeing of the other person as a human being and someone that matters even if the connection is a one off or very transient. Some of us have such standards of care for others. You deserve and should expect good treatment dear. Always :) Hello again PantyhosedDomina :) Thanks for your lovely words, I appreciate it. It has been a little hard as at times I have felt here like I am being unreasonable for the way I feel and the way it was conducted. I see what you mean regarding the cab.. I'm not even sure if they asked how I would be getting home. And I believe I share the same standard of care towards others that you do. I'm glad though that I have had this experience - whatever happens down the road with them - as it has only confirmed in me my own ideas of how I will conduct such a situation when I am a couple seeking a third. I wouldn't have ever sent my third away anyway, but this situation has left me in absolutely no doubt that I certainly won't ever be. If my partner in that setting asked for any kind of triad situation, I would personally be telling them that if we do this, we won't be cherry-picking the good bits for ourselves. I think that couples that conduct such play differently are entitled to do so... but should maybe stick to people who think similarly on this topic. I so far have played with couples who have treated me as a person in and out of the scene, and I realise I should stick to that, and these couples of a similar view to me seem to be very common, based on the couples I have played with or simply met who play with others. Perhaps they would be better suited to play with like-minded unicorns, whilst I should stick to playing with couples that have a more humanising approach.

gnathic -> RE: Don't know what to do about this situation (3/6/2017 11:28:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PantyhosedDomina quote: ORIGINAL: gnathic quote: ORIGINAL: PantyhosedDomina quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP I would hope the domme in question does read this and realizes that the third isn't a sex robot, but a person in her own right. Quite honestly, they would do better in the future to hire an escort for this. Instead of leading people on to get them to agree to have sex prior to kicking them out. As far as her having called one of her friends to take you away after dinner, she would have done better to call a cab for you each way. I don't see any signs of them wanting more than NSA. And do believe they used talk of more to manipulate you. You can do better than them. Gnathic you should listen to DesFip. Even if they indulge in spending more time with you / socialise before or after next time it may be that they feel under duress to do so and are thus resentful. If it did not occur to them to originally support you it means they don't care and may tell you what they feel you want to hear to get you to have sex with them again rather than genuinely having a care to connect with you as a casual person that they meet for play and treat fairly. The fact the longer term sub asked for you not to be allowed to stay is quite spiteful and I wonder why you would want to be around / let people or a person that does not really like you have access to you're prescious body and you're talents. You should value yourself more dear and I agree with DesFip - if they simply want someone for kinky sex for a few hours etc they should pay for it since they just want a body and not the person inside. You can get casual sex with more worthy and nicer people . If something bad had happened to you on you're way home would you still be wanting to have another scene with such people even if it was so good? I hope you are ok anyway. Be wise for yourself sweet girl and stay lovely :) Thank you so much PantyhosedDomina. This is exactly why earlier on (page 1, if I recall) I expressed that if this is the situation, I wouldn't be prepared to allow the other sub to have PIV sex with me.. I dislike the idea of a man using me like that and I'm so relieved that we didn't have PIV sex on the first scene. I've been treated so very well by my previous partners, and I want that to continue. It's also why I have been so hyperfocused on this whole issue since hearing that the sub asked for this, and why I so wanted to get some advice and help. And you're right about the finding casual sex elsewhere, as a young, female unicorn you can pretty much find that on a plate. I'm so appreciative of the fact that my first experience with a couple (the long-term dynamic I have mentioned) was such a positive one. If this had been my first one, combined with all the reading about red flags I have done regarding couples seeking unicorns, I perhaps would be wary of every seeking such an experience again. Which is a shame, because when it works, holy fuck does it work. Hello again Gnathic. I'm glad I could be of help to you and affirm you're instincts which are not wrong for you. And yes that male sub is spiteful and not a nice person to be around or have touch you're prescious body even. Yes you are prescious and valuable and deserve good and fair treatment always. Be wise for yourself always. Stay lovely :) Thank you so much :) Stay lovely too, I appreciate everything you have said.

gnathic -> RE: Don't know what to do about this situation (3/6/2017 11:38:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Shandirra 'Morning OP - My post about you accepting responsibility for you own expectations/actions has fallen on blind eyes. Put this way; what you were experiencing was 'sub frenzy'. That expectant glow, the desire to rush into every new experience headlong and then pray that it stands up to the shiny, bright ideal you've imagined. When it did not conform to your desires, you blamed others for your over zealous and over reaching dreams. quote: ORIGINAL: Shandirra Their intentions may be to incorporate you into their dynamic long term, but trust is difficult to build and shouldn't be rushed. I'm not being needlessly harsh, despite what you may think. I'm saying this as I believe that; unlike the majority of folks that come to the forums seeking advice, you may actually be smart enough to understand the point. Your posts show some thought and consideration, more than the average newbie. Put that brain to use and stop seeking to dodge the issue. By your own account, this was a FIRST SCENE. Did you honestly believe you'd get all the bells and whistles on the first encounter?? No. Re-read my quote. Let it sink in. quote: ORIGINAL: gnathic Haven't you found that you're better able to navigate an issue by discussing with others first...those who could provide a little insight you hadn't considered? No. Because I've found that others' viewpoints will color the issue and muddy the situation. Everything should be handled by one's self and no one else for no one else will suffer the consequences and everyone must be accountable for their own words/actions. Stand on your own feet. Steer your own course. Ultimately, no one is responsible for what happens to you except you. Face it. I don't know how I managed to miss the second half of your message, sorry :) About the others-viewpoints part, I feel like you can't really have this both ways. You're giving me your advice after all in the hope that I am going to listen to what you have to say and have it resonate with me. Were I to agree with you about going simply with my own thoughts without asking anyone else, I wouldn't even be listening to what you have to say on the topic and your words would be null and void.... Unless of course, your opinion is the exception? [sm=confused.gif] (I'm not being serious here, by the way. Just trying to highlight the fact that you can't expect both). That is to say, i disagree with your opinion on asking others anyway. No one has all the answers nor have they considered every angle. I'm genuinely surprised that a person could honestly suggest there is no value in seeking the perspective of others on any issue - whether they feel they have the issue under control or not.

longwayhome -> RE: Don't know what to do about this situation (3/6/2017 11:45:49 AM)
Hey Gnathic, Posting here is not always the best way to deal with situations but it does get you lots of advice from people putting themselves in both your position and that of the others you were involved with. Can't say any fairer than that you are obviously open to seeing the situation in different ways and understand that the lack of being explicit led you somewhere you were not totally comfortable with. Many post and take no account of what is said which is not what you have done. Being open about these things sometimes gets you some fairly direct responses which you taken with good grace. I think you have exactly taken responsibility for your situation. For me, I just try to keep my eyes open and never expect any particular outcome. It's lovely when everything works out just the way you want and the communication seems effortless. Not having to work too hard to protect yourself is great when it happens. Life's not always like that. Best of luck.

PantyhosedDomina -> RE: Don't know what to do about this situation (3/6/2017 12:17:42 PM)
Hiya Gnathic. Longwayhome is one of the go-to persons in this place for fair and reasonable , common sense advice and support. He's kind too. :)

longwayhome -> RE: Don't know what to do about this situation (3/6/2017 12:20:19 PM)
Thank you for your kind words. [:)]

PantyhosedDomina -> RE: Don't know what to do about this situation (3/6/2017 12:41:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: longwayhome Thank you for your kind words. [:)] Well it's true Longwayhome . I merely affirmed the good you do in this place which is to give pertinent and sensitive advice and not be brutal about it i.e having consideration that the other person is hurting and does not need a harder knock and giving advice and also being supportive and not unkind or critical as to make the person feel even worse than they already do also sticking to the issue without personalising. There are also a few others here that have you're approach which is constructive and on point without being unkind to the person but rather focusing on the issue even if the person has admitted a wrong doing etc. It's a style that encourages others to put forward their issues and to contribute as I know many do not as a way of avoiding the nasties / fear of the nasties attacking them simply for being here even though we all benefit from the environment being more inclusive as most have some wisdom and experience to share and that others would benefit from :)

longwayhome -> RE: Don't know what to do about this situation (3/6/2017 3:12:09 PM)
Now I know you are being too kind. I wish I was always so even handed every time someone expresses a view I disagree with, but people who ask for honest help or support don't need to be put down. Not sure when care and respect for others, especially those different to you, became a weakness or a fault. I know its a website and people can hide behind their screens but do undo others.......

tamaka -> RE: Don't know what to do about this situation (3/6/2017 4:00:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: longwayhome Now I know you are being too kind. I wish I was always so even handed every time someone expresses a view I disagree with, but people who ask for honest help or support don't need to be put down. Not sure when care and respect for others, especially those different to you, became a weakness or a fault. I know its a website and people can hide behind their screens but do undo others....... Why don't the two of you get a room.

gnathic -> RE: Don't know what to do about this situation (3/6/2017 5:24:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tamaka quote: ORIGINAL: longwayhome Now I know you are being too kind. I wish I was always so even handed every time someone expresses a view I disagree with, but people who ask for honest help or support don't need to be put down. Not sure when care and respect for others, especially those different to you, became a weakness or a fault. I know its a website and people can hide behind their screens but do undo others....... Why don't the two of you get a room. Can I gatecrash it? Lol. (Sorry, temptation was too much). [sm=dance-smiley03.gif] ...I need to sort this out.

gnathic -> RE: Don't know what to do about this situation (3/6/2017 5:33:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PantyhosedDomina Hiya Gnathic. Longwayhome is one of the go-to persons in this place for fair and reasonable , common sense advice and support. He's kind too. :) I certainly appreciate his input :)

gnathic -> RE: Don't know what to do about this situation (3/6/2017 5:39:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: longwayhome Hey Gnathic, Posting here is not always the best way to deal with situations but it does get you lots of advice from people putting themselves in both your position and that of the others you were involved with. Can't say any fairer than that you are obviously open to seeing the situation in different ways and understand that the lack of being explicit led you somewhere you were not totally comfortable with. Many post and take no account of what is said which is not what you have done. Being open about these things sometimes gets you some fairly direct responses which you taken with good grace. I think you have exactly taken responsibility for your situation. For me, I just try to keep my eyes open and never expect any particular outcome. It's lovely when everything works out just the way you want and the communication seems effortless. Not having to work too hard to protect yourself is great when it happens. Life's not always like that. Best of luck. Hey Longwayhome, Thanks, that last bit resonates a lot for me. I think the fact that I've been so lucky in my previous experiences with people in which being a little less explicit wasn't so necessary has made me perhaps a little naive when looking for new situations, as I think I assumed that (as later couples took the same approach with me) this couple would too. With previous partners and couples, we of course spoke a lot about how we all felt/comfort levels, but I suppose a chunk of our overall success was due simply to similar ways of treating people/approaching new dynamics. I think it's quite something that throughout over a year of seeing my first couple, we had not a single problem come up (despite it being our first time for all of us). It was lovely seeing them for last time before they left for home.. we kept gushing about how lucky we were to have all found each other/we wouldn't ever forget the last year, etc. My standards have probably been left quite high now! I think generally that if a warning sign presents early on, that this is rarely a good indication.

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