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RE: friends? - 7/28/2006 11:28:13 AM   
afeathr


Posts: 248
Joined: 6/1/2006
From: Southern California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Cutiepie74019

i have been continuting my search for a master while talking to a master he wanted me to give up all my dom/domme sub/slave friends  in order to be with him if  so chose  what are your thoughts on this?


Sir allows me to have whatever friends I would like, and only requires that any social engagements I set are approved by him before agreeing to them.  He even allows me to remain friends with, and have contact with my ex...  I appreciate that he trusts me to be friends with whomever I want, knowing that that concept brings me closer to Him.  Conversely, He has whatever friends he would like and does whatever he would like, socially, but always lets me know (not asking permission, of course) so that I am not worried about Him if He doesn't arrive when He normally would, etc.  However, He has yet to exclude me, nor I Him, from any social engagement that He (or I) have needed/wanted/desired to attend.  I think our mutual respect in that case is apparent as well as the fact that we *like* being together all of the time that we can. <smiles>

However, another Dom that I was considering told me that I would not be allowed to have contact with my ex or his family and that He would have to approve all of my friends.  That smacked of distrust to me, and I promptly broke that relationship off, in a hurry.  He still continues to send me email calling me 'slut' and him 'master'.  I just delete them.

I think that even in the D/s or M/s world, each person should be trusted enough to decide on their own friends.  As others have said, if those friends are not good to you or for you then I can see consideration of dropping them and I would hope that your Dom/Master would see that and discuss it with you.  However, if they are good people that care about you and He is insisting that you have no friends other than Him... maybe you should reconsider.

_____________________________

afeathr

-Going where the wind blows me...

(in reply to Cutiepie74019)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: friends? - 7/28/2006 5:49:51 PM   
Tamerofwild1s


Posts: 1765
Joined: 12/5/2004
Status: offline 		I have never personally told a submissive or slave to give up thier friends .... I have from time to time told them I didn't want them talking with a certain person ... this was done because I personally felt the person they were talking to was detrimental to our growth ... but making you give all yourfriends is ludacris as far as I'm concerned unless that perticualr group is detrimental to you ..... such as like LA said they are coke heads.

< Message edited by Tamerofwild1s -- 7/28/2006 5:50:20 PM >

_____________________________

A building get torched. All that is left is ashes. I used to think that it is true about everything - family, friends, feelings - but now I know that sometimes if love proves real, and two people are meant to be together, nothing can keep them apart ~

(in reply to Evanesce)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: friends? - 7/28/2006 6:47:46 PM   
Cutiepie74019


Posts: 106
Joined: 7/25/2006
Status: offline 		 wow boy am i relieved to see that not everyone thinks te way that guy did


(in reply to Tamerofwild1s)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: friends? - 7/28/2006 8:42:54 PM   
scottjk


Posts: 335
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Only if they agree to be in that relationship.

Generally, no, it's a bad idea to have someone divorce you from your social support structure.  In fact it's a huge sign of possible abuse.

But then, if all your friends are coke addicts, then it might be a helpful thing.

If following those orders are not serving you, then it's not the right relationship for you.


If I might add to this comment, isolation is the first step on the road to abuse, but again if those friends are of a less than healthy element, then there should be a plan to build a new social network with healthier friends. :)

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: friends? - 7/28/2006 9:01:14 PM   
puella


Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		Sometimes it just happens that way... if you move far away, or something similar...

(in reply to Cutiepie74019)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: friends? - 7/28/2006 11:20:57 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		No! That's a big RED FLAG.
Why would someone want you to do that? It sounds kind of *creepy* too!
Like he's going to kill you or something.
I think a sub or slave or anyone for that matter needs to have friends, hobbies, a job or career if they want one. It makes them a better, happier person and a better, happier sub or slave.
In my opinion, if anyone asks you to do that don't walk, run away!

(in reply to puella)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: friends? - 7/29/2006 4:30:37 AM   
wandering4u


Posts: 167
Joined: 6/18/2006
Status: offline 		You made the right choice. Anyone who says 'give up everyone for me' should be given up themselves.

And'gentlemean' was too nice a term for him.

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: friends? - 7/29/2006 4:50:26 AM   
SirDarkside357


Posts: 393
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline 		I for one, do not agree with the practice of seperating a slave from her family or friends....unless they are a detroment to the slaves growth...and that should be discussed and understood in the beginning if at all possible.

Be Well,
Darkside

(in reply to Cutiepie74019)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: friends? - 7/29/2006 7:34:29 AM   
Cutiepie74019


Posts: 106
Joined: 7/25/2006
Status: offline 		wow i didnt think i would get 1/2 the amount of responces i did but im glad i got them i didnt wal i ran as if hell hounds were chasin after me 

(in reply to SirDarkside357)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: friends? - 7/29/2006 7:50:22 AM   
SCORPIOXXX


Posts: 223
Joined: 11/6/2004
Status: offline 		Hi cutie... I'll add my voice to the chorus: don't trust anyone who wants to isolate you from friends and family! The man making such demands is no man at all -- and we are all glad you ran far and fast, lol!!!

(in reply to Cutiepie74019)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: friends? - 7/29/2006 11:06:05 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Provided that the friends were not trying to split us up or in any way either hurting her emotionally, I'll encourage her to maintain her friendships.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to Evanesce)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: friends? - 7/29/2006 11:22:10 AM   
justheather


Posts: 1532
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Cutiepie74019

 he wants me to give up ally my friends involved in the lifestlye because he believes they would try to lead confuse me or steal my attention from him


Im curious as to why you need the opinions of those "in the lifestyle" (or at least on a lifestyle message board) to decide whether or not it's "okay" for the person in question to demand that you give up your friends.

Ask yourself some questions. Does it make your stomach hurt when you think about it? Does it sound not-quite-right to you? Does it seem like, no matter how many angles you look at it from, his motives are not your well-being?

For some people this might be an exercise in power exchange that is both healthy and prudent for the submissive involved. If there are identified issues with certain friends that lead the dom and sub to believe she may be better off focusing her energy elsewhere for a period of time or indefinitely.

But, that's not what's going on here. At least not according to the view from here.

If you have to ask "is this ok?" then one (or both) of two things is probably going on.

Either:
A. it clearly isnt "ok" to most reasonable people (even us kinksters) and this person is making you doubt your own common sense. (It happens, especially in the beginning)
Or (or maybe even AND)

B. you have poorly developed boundaries and/or ability to assert yourself healthily in maintaining your boundaries.

Either way, this probably isn't a good time to be entering into a TPE relationship and abandoing your support systems along the way.

_____________________________

I want the scissors to be sharp
And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
-Billy Collins

(in reply to Cutiepie74019)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: friends? - 7/29/2006 2:03:28 PM   
HouseofBear


Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/9/2005
Status: offline 		In general, if a dominant wants you to give up all of your friends, I would consider it a big red flag....ask yourself why is he wanting this?
What you are asking does not sound as if he is wanting you to give up one friend who drags you down (ie one into drugs, etc).  It sounds as if he is trying to isolate you from others, which is often the sign of a player or predator.

Lady Ursa

(in reply to Evanesce)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: friends? - 7/29/2006 2:57:20 PM   
Cutiepie74019


Posts: 106
Joined: 7/25/2006
Status: offline 		ur right i lately have been having some troubles wiht my common sence and boundries but after a 1 year long very very abusive relationship  with a so called "master' you tend to have a few problems unfortunatly for me i havent worked them out yet so i came for advise so i would not make a dstupid decision that could land me in a bad place

(in reply to HouseofBear)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: friends? - 7/29/2006 3:52:42 PM   
amayos


Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Cutiepie74019

Should a submissive/slave be forced to give up all if his /her friends???



The answer to that question depends on a number of interpersonal factors, and the severity of the commitment involved. Is she a submissive or a slave? The two terms vary greatly, and again, the answers will alter depending upon the specifics.

Generally, I have found it useful to limit a girl's exposure to outside influence during her training, and if a slave, I have been known to cull certain elements of a her social connections—if she is to have any at all.

Be that as it may, I do not feel there is any universal doctrine suggesting that slaves should be forced to give up all connections to the outside world. It is in fact beneficial for an owner to reap the rewards of a slave's employment—a structure of labor that inevitably brings about minimal social contacts and acquaintances in the least.

If, on the other hand, the slave is to be used strictly for domestic / sexual purposes, I see little wrong with isolating her from most of society.

< Message edited by amayos -- 7/29/2006 3:54:06 PM >

(in reply to Cutiepie74019)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: friends? - 7/29/2006 5:43:46 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		My Pet moved here from her home (5-6 hours away), so she had no friends here. Now my friends are her friends, and I fully expect them to remain her friends if and when she and I go our seperate ways.

She has a few friends from back home she keeps in touch with online, and I like them. I have extended an open invitation for her friends to visit should they choose to.

A person's friends are a part of who and what that person is, to remove them is to remove a part of that person. There is nothing that says I have to like all her friends, but I do have to accept that she has them. A Dominant can influence who his submissive makes friends with once she is his, but he can't really do much about the friends she made prior to that.

Somebody who expected me to give up my friends would find themselves given up.

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


(in reply to amayos)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: friends? - 7/29/2006 10:39:00 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Cutiepie74019

Should a submissive/slave be forced to give up all if his /her friends???



In my opinion, absolutely not.  Whether someone considers themselves a slave or submissive, I cant imagine how anybody, who is first and foremost *human* could possibly do well, or even benefit another while being kept isolated from friends and society in general.  I think such a situation would be extremely detrimental to anyone's mental health, self- esteem and growth in general. 

(in reply to Cutiepie74019)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: friends? - 7/30/2006 3:30:03 AM   
nefertari


Posts: 425
Joined: 7/22/2006
Status: offline 		Ok, please allow me to elaborate on this.  I have just posted a thread in the Ask a Sub/Slave forum before I found this thread.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_510360/tm.htm

Comments?



(in reply to Cutiepie74019)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: friends? - 7/31/2006 4:29:39 PM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		I would tell him not interested. It's not their right or their place to try to tear friendships apart.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cutiepie74019

i have been continuting my search for a master while talking to a master he wanted me to give up all my dom/domme sub/slave friends  in order to be with him if  so chose  what are your thoughts on this?



(in reply to Cutiepie74019)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: friends? - 7/31/2006 5:05:14 PM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
Generally, no, it's a bad idea to have someone divorce you from your social support structure.  In fact it's a huge sign of possible abuse.


That is my take on it too. Maintaining and even extending the girls support structure is something I aim for if possible.

quote:

But then, if all your friends are coke addicts, then it might be a helpful thing.


Exceptions to every rule... yep that would be just such a case.


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 40
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