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RE: friends? - 7/31/2006 5:18:08 PM

krikket

Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline

i hate to say this, but this is a fairly common pick-up line, not to mention that isolation, imho, isn't all that healthy. i agree with those who said that the relationship should come first -- for both of you -- but we all still need a life, if for no other reason that to have something else to talk about..lol. Having a variety of people in our lives also, i believe, helps us to grow. In my experience, this opinion is usually (but not always) the mark of a Dom isn't all that secure in himself and he didn't want me to know it. i'd be interested in knowing if he's willing to do the same?

my advise, however, is to listen to that inner voice -- it usually tells us something worth listening to...

good luck...

jimini

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cutiepie74019

he wants me to give up ally my friends involved in the lifestlye because he believes they would try to lead confuse me or steal my attention from him

_____________________________

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin

When your heart speaks take good notes.

(in reply to Cutiepie74019)

Post #: 41

RE: friends? - 7/31/2006 5:37:41 PM

KittenInterruptd

Posts: 23
Joined: 2/8/2005
From: Sydney, Australia
Status: offline

Personally if I had a Master who told me to give up all of my friends then my answer would be "Yes, Sir."

If you are serious about being a slave and serving your Master then you should serve and trust HIS will and not your own. If you don't trust this person enough to give up your friends when he tells you to do so, then why do you trust him enough to let him tie you up and spank you, or anything like that? Could it be that the tie-me-up-and-spank-me part of the relationship is easy and fun, but that you don't want to be challeneged with something that is hard?

To all of those who talked about it being a redflag... everything in a D/s relationship is a potential redflag. Your Dominant tells you he wants to tie you up and beat you... that is a redflag. However, if you know and trust the person then you will know that he isn't going to pull out a chainsaw and cut you into pieces.

Personally, I think that posting on a messageboard asking what should be done when given a directive that I find hard to follow is a redflag. I would be thinking twice about collaring someone who dishonoured me that way.

_____________________________

I have fallen.
And now I lie, broken and bleeding.
Becoming a corpse.
As cold as the dead.

And still I wait for you.

(in reply to krikket)

Post #: 42

RE: friends? - 7/31/2006 6:50:33 PM

QuietDom

Posts: 255
Joined: 7/10/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

Maintaining and even extending the girls support structure is something I aim for if possible.

I consider it so important, that I include it on my ever-growing list of rules for, well, no-one as yet: Thou shalt actively maintain a set of vanilla friendships.

I'm a bit fascinated by cults and the psychology of irrational belief systems in general, so I intend to carefully avoid creating a "one-to-one cult" situation. Demanding that a sub retain a sufficiently strong connection to the larger world to keep our relationship in proper perspective ensures that her consent remains meaningful -- rather than remaining simply because she has lost all perspective.

Check out rickross.com for all kinds of information on cults and their methods. Just use the information for good, okay?

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 43

RE: friends? - 7/31/2006 7:33:35 PM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear Cutiepie74019, Ladies and Gentlemen;

It is my personal opinion, that no submissive/slave should give up their friends, family and or other contacts, especially when they have been your friends longer than a dominant has been in your immediate world.

I have witnessed, in the name of "the power of ownership" Masters and or Mistresses have slaves/submissives forsake their friends, family and more. What happened was iscolation, abuse and a control freak who used "dominance" as a weapon held by an insecure person who has to control everybody and everything because they cannot control themselves. So, red flags of "beware" are thrown up fast any time a person commands another to give up their friends because they're scared of having someone else 'steal' their slave/submissives away.

You cannot steal something/someone who wants to leave in the first place. Those who enjoy freedom in the slavery/submission have more secure bonds than any iscolation, imprisonment, mental terror, fear, threats and the like can ever achieve.

You must make your own choice though--Just make sure you have a means to escape a bad choice and submission does not equal 'volunteer victim and or victim."

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to Cutiepie74019)

Post #: 44

RE: friends? - 7/31/2006 8:58:11 PM

Homestead

Posts: 1005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KittenInterruptd

Personally if I had a Master who told me to give up all of my friends then my answer would be "Yes, Sir."

If you are serious about being a slave and serving your Master then you should serve and trust HIS will and not your own. If you don't trust this person enough to give up your friends when he tells you to do so, then why do you trust him enough to let him tie you up and spank you, or anything like that? Could it be that the tie-me-up-and-spank-me part of the relationship is easy and fun, but that you don't want to be challeneged with something that is hard?

To all of those who talked about it being a redflag... everything in a D/s relationship is a potential redflag. Your Dominant tells you he wants to tie you up and beat you... that is a redflag. However, if you know and trust the person then you will know that he isn't going to pull out a chainsaw and cut you into pieces.

Personally, I think that posting on a messageboard asking what should be done when given a directive that I find hard to follow is a redflag. I would be thinking twice about collaring someone who dishonoured me that way.

Nodding, respect would indicate speaking with the top about it-rather than trying to shame him publically over a difference of opinion..

I would ignore someone who treated me with that level of disrespect.

(in reply to KittenInterruptd)

Post #: 45

RE: friends? - 7/31/2006 9:15:54 PM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KittenInterruptd

Personally if I had a Master who told me to give up all of my friends then my answer would be "Yes, Sir."

If you are serious about being a slave and serving your Master then you should serve and trust HIS will and not your own. If you don't trust this person enough to give up your friends when he tells you to do so, then why do you trust him enough to let him tie you up and spank you, or anything like that? Could it be that the tie-me-up-and-spank-me part of the relationship is easy and fun, but that you don't want to be challeneged with something that is hard?

To all of those who talked about it being a redflag... everything in a D/s relationship is a potential redflag. Your Dominant tells you he wants to tie you up and beat you... that is a redflag. However, if you know and trust the person then you will know that he isn't going to pull out a chainsaw and cut you into pieces.

Personally, I think that posting on a messageboard asking what should be done when given a directive that I find hard to follow is a redflag. I would be thinking twice about collaring someone who dishonoured me that way.

I dont think that being a slave in the way people are slaves in the bdsm context means that you give up your right to feel secure that you are giving yourself to the correct person. Since when does it stop being the slaves responsibility to choose every single day of his/her life that their owner is the right one for them, or that they are in the right situation? Given the fact that people change, relationships change and circumstances change, slaves should always re-evalute their relationship with their owner anytime they feel the need to. If anyone, anywhere, in any relationship feels that a red flag has been raised, then they should question it, not mindlessly ignore it.

On a side note: Taking a beating is not, in my opinion, analogous with being cut of from friends and society.

(in reply to KittenInterruptd)

Post #: 46

RE: friends? - 7/31/2006 9:45:15 PM

KittenInterruptd

Posts: 23
Joined: 2/8/2005
From: Sydney, Australia
Status: offline

I'm not talking about ignoring redflags, I'm talking about putting them into a context.

If her boyfriend told my vanilla friend that they wanted to tie her up and beat her, she would take it as a warning signal of danger... a redflag.
If my Master told me the same thing I would understand that there is a context to it and would be interested by the idea.
If her boyfriend told my vanilla friend that she was to only eat one scoop of creamed potato and four peas for dinner, she would take it as a warning sign that the person she was talking to was controlling.
If my Master told me the same thing I would enjoy being controlled to that extent and relish the idea that I was pleasing him.

If the only thing that this person has done was to say that he wanted this submissive to stop contacting her friends then perhaps there is a context to it. Perhaps he wants her to focus on his will and learning to please him. Perhaps her friends were an unhealthy distraction to that. Perhaps it was only going to be a temporary thing. Perhaps her friends aren't good for her and he wants to grow her in a healthy and supportive environment that the friends were not going to provide. We don't know because we don't know the Dominant, the submissive or the friends.

All I'm saying is that anything can be seen as a redflag if it is taken out of context and that context is key to understanding anything.

If this is someone that she has only known briefly then of course he has no right to make a demand that she sacrifice so much to him. If it is someone that she has dedicated her life to serving, then I think that the demand is fair and she should trust him.

The questions begs asking, though... of this is someone who she doesn't know well (as it seems to be) and if she had such reservations about following his directive (as she seems to have had) then why post asking about if not only for the attention and the 'Aww, there, there...' sentiments to bolster an ego?

And if it is someone that she does know well and is/was dedicated to serving faithfully then why post asking about it instead of talking to him about her reservations? It is an act designed to shame the Dominant, but in truth it only shames the 'submissive' in the eyes of those who can tell a submissive from a cake of soap.

_____________________________

I have fallen.
And now I lie, broken and bleeding.
Becoming a corpse.
As cold as the dead.

And still I wait for you.

(in reply to marieToo)

Post #: 47

RE: friends? - 8/1/2006 5:22:39 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: QuietDom
I consider it so important, that I include it on my ever-growing list of rules for, well, no-one as yet: Thou shalt actively maintain a set of vanilla friendships.

Isolation is the thing I seek to avoid. Don't really much care if the folks befriended are vanilla or not, don't really associate with a great many vanillas myself if it comes to that. But any girl of mine, whilst I am an important part of their life, I should NOT be their only social interaction, IMO that ain't healthy, not for her nor for the relationship. There needs to be others outside the relationship she can seek support from, advice from, friendship from.

Heck I encourage my girl to post here dispite her shyness, gives her another place to seek advice from. I maybe good but I'm still only human, I can't solve everything, I do make fuck-ups, when that happens there needs to be others she can get advice from. I have such a support structure and it is just as important for any girl to have the same.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHugs
So, red flags of "beware" are thrown up fast any time a person commands another to give up their friends because they're scared of having someone else 'steal' their slave/submissives away.

You cannot steal something/someone who wants to leave in the first place. Those who enjoy freedom in the slavery/submission have more secure bonds than any iscolation, imprisonment, mental terror, fear, threats and the like can ever achieve.

Yep, the two biggest things I spot behind most desires to isolate a girl both stem from insecuritys in the dom (no cap, such haven't got the self-knowledge or self-control to deserve a cap). Either they are afraid someone 'more Domly' will come along and 'steal' the girl.... if you have so little trust in why she is with you, why have her? If she is worth having, she can't be 'stolen'

Or, the other reason, they are playing at being something they are not. They know they are handling things wrongly and are afraid that if there are outside influences the girl is going to wake up and smell the coffee... pack her bags and get the hell OUT! That goes back to the cultish behaviour mentioned by QuietDom, isolating them in order to try and stop them realising they may have alternatives rather than simply putting up with a bad situation or worse, an abusive one.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to QuietDom)

Post #: 48

RE: friends? - 8/1/2006 9:32:32 AM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KittenInterruptd

I'm not talking about ignoring redflags, I'm talking about putting them into a context.

If her boyfriend told my vanilla friend that they wanted to tie her up and beat her, she would take it as a warning signal of danger... a redflag.
If my Master told me the same thing I would understand that there is a context to it and would be interested by the idea.
If her boyfriend told my vanilla friend that she was to only eat one scoop of creamed potato and four peas for dinner, she would take it as a warning sign that the person she was talking to was controlling.
If my Master told me the same thing I would enjoy being controlled to that extent and relish the idea that I was pleasing him.

If the only thing that this person has done was to say that he wanted this submissive to stop contacting her friends then perhaps there is a context to it. Perhaps he wants her to focus on his will and learning to please him. Perhaps her friends were an unhealthy distraction to that. Perhaps it was only going to be a temporary thing. Perhaps her friends aren't good for her and he wants to grow her in a healthy and supportive environment that the friends were not going to provide. We don't know because we don't know the Dominant, the submissive or the friends.

All I'm saying is that anything can be seen as a redflag if it is taken out of context and that context is key to understanding anything.

If this is someone that she has only known briefly then of course he has no right to make a demand that she sacrifice so much to him. If it is someone that she has dedicated her life to serving, then I think that the demand is fair and she should trust him.

The questions begs asking, though... of this is someone who she doesn't know well (as it seems to be) and if she had such reservations about following his directive (as she seems to have had) then why post asking about if not only for the attention and the 'Aww, there, there...' sentiments to bolster an ego?

And if it is someone that she does know well and is/was dedicated to serving faithfully then why post asking about it instead of talking to him about her reservations? It is an act designed to shame the Dominant, but in truth it only shames the 'submissive' in the eyes of those who can tell a submissive from a cake of soap.

I agree to some extent. I guess it would depend on the circumstances. Lets say he cut her off from a friend who was a bad influence on her, then I could understand it, even agree with it.

I took the question as more of a general one. And I would have to say, in my opinion, that it would be highly detrimental to any human being to be cut off from society. Which is the way I interpreted the question. Like so many other posts, there is seldom enough info given to really form a sound feeling on whether or not something is right or wrong.

Your point was well taken. Thanks for explaining. :)

(in reply to KittenInterruptd)

Post #: 49

RE: friends? - 2/8/2007 5:42:57 AM

cindyxdresser

Posts: 42
Joined: 2/8/2007
From: Tulsa ,Oklahoma
Status: offline

if that is what his/her owner wants then it should be allowed.Or like in a situation with a crossdresser like me,Why not feminise and expose the sissy to all of her friends and family,and let them decide if they still want to be friends

_____________________________

Cindy Cole

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 50

RE: friends? - 2/8/2007 6:03:39 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cutiepie74019
Should a submissive/slave be forced to give up all if his /her friends???

If ALL her friends are drug-taking binge-drinking morons with the collective IQ of a retarded slug then I would have no hesitation is breaking that, removing the harmful influence and her never seeing them again.

However, such people are thankfully rarely amonst the close friends of any girl I have ever had and mostly I have been able to support the girls existing friendships. Such friendships are important, humans are social animals. I tend to also encourage a girl to make MORE friends, especialy within the lifestyle. People she can share and take advice from who understand the dynamic and struggles/triumphs such a girl faces within it.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to Cutiepie74019)

Post #: 51

RE: friends? - 2/8/2007 6:13:40 AM

michaelOfGeorgia

Posts: 4253
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cutiepie74019

Should a submissive/slave be forced to give up all if his /her friends???

No

_____________________________

Are we having fun, yet?

(in reply to Cutiepie74019)

Post #: 52

RE: friends? - 2/8/2007 6:29:37 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

He had no problems in the beginning nor now with me talking to others except for trolling doms. I've had email discussions with doms based on thoughts sparked by a forum post. No problem there, the only time he says to stop is if the dom starts talking sexually to me or tries to convince me I'd be better off with him.

(in reply to Evanesce)

Post #: 53

RE: friends? - 2/8/2007 6:45:05 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

When it comes to communicating with others the only rule she has is that so long as they respect her and respect the fact that she is owned, it is fine!

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 54

RE: friends? - 2/8/2007 7:36:14 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

Daddy doesn't mind that i have friends (vanilla and BDSM). i have a "sister" from collarme that i regularly chat with offline however He doesn't appreciate those who disrespect the fact i belong to Him.

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...

...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 55

RE: friends? - 2/11/2007 2:29:40 PM

grlneedstolearn

Posts: 728
Joined: 1/29/2007
Status: offline

I'm a submissive and no, I can still have friends and even make more friends if I want online with some minor limits if he is a dom. But other than that, I'm free to have friends, go out with friends or whatever. This isn't a privelage for me, but rather an agreement b/t my Dom and I.

(in reply to Cutiepie74019)

Post #: 56

RE: friends? - 2/11/2007 5:01:06 PM

SirDominic

Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

This is hardly a problem only in the fetish world. I see so many married couples who expect each other to lose their pre-marriage friends. They lock onto each other like leaches and from then on can only be friends with other couples. Like others have already suggested, the cause, more often than not, is insecurity and/or lack of trust. Very unhealthy in that world or this one. One should never be forced to give up healthy friendships.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to grlneedstolearn)

Post #: 57

RE: friends? - 2/11/2007 7:22:31 PM

gandalf0297

Posts: 148
Joined: 8/6/2006
Status: offline

Not only no.But HELL NO!..................

_____________________________

"The best things cannot be said. The second best are misunderstood." (Joseph Campbell.)

(in reply to Evanesce)

Post #: 58

RE: friends? - 2/11/2007 8:22:43 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

This thread is 6 months old folks. I think she gave the guy up. ::chuckles::

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to gandalf0297)

Post #: 59

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