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RE: totally frustrated - 7/29/2006 3:10:12 PM   
gooddogbenji


Posts: 5094
Joined: 11/15/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline 		First off - NO ONE TAKE THIS PERSONALLY.  IT IS SIMPLY A THOUGHT OF MINE, NOT GEARED AT ANYONE.

Thanks.

Now, a lot of people here say there are a lot of people who poof.  Others say they have met a lot of great people here, and have never had anyone poof.  I'm thinking they could be talking to the same crown even.

If I'm talking to someone, pre-commitment, online or off, and I'm not interested, I drop hints.  If they don't pick up on them. I drop more obvious hints, stop calling them, only talk to them briefly when they call me, make excuses to not talk to them, and so on.  If that still doesn't work, I tell them flat out I'm not interested.  If that doesn't work, I start to worry about this person, and I poof.  Better to be an ass than killed by a psycho. 

So maybe, sometimes, it's a matter of picking up on their hints in advance, and knowing that they may not be interested.  Give them the chance to back out graciously, and move on.

I have talked to many on here, come to the conclusion that, no, we are not meant to be, and have gone our own ways without poofing, simply by being attentive to what she's saying, and telling them when I'm not interested.

Yours,


benji

_____________________________

Prevent global warming. Stop burning patchouli.

(in reply to perverseangelic)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: totally frustrated - 7/29/2006 3:15:24 PM   
Morpheus07


Posts: 89
Joined: 4/29/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: swtsurrender36

This post might come more out of anger and if so i'm very sorry.Let me first say that when i meet a new person (Dominant) i feel i am transparent. i want the Dominant to know up front what and who i am. what my needs are as a submissive etc. As a submissive i expect the same respect from the Dominant .my time and energy is being wasted!
  Why do i keep running into these ppl who say they want everything i want .Wwe are cruising along and i'm thinking Wwe are both on the same page and BAMMM i get hit with either no more phone calls,they disappear..All of a sudden work takes them over,,Its funny work wasn't taking you over while we were talking. are they married..are they playing games. are they just not true to the lifestyle..do they get their jollies off on playing games. what is wrong???
    i'm sooo frustrated i just sometimes want to forget this lifestyle. i have soo much in me and want to serve and be with someone that is truely a Dominant,someone who is sincere,and that is true to His word...why is that soo hard to find?
  



I would guess that they simply got what they wanted from you (whatever that was), got bored and moved on. People do it everyday, online and off. It happens to us all.

_____________________________

Its a case of mind over matter, "I don't mind, because you don't matter!"

(in reply to swtsurrender36)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: totally frustrated - 7/29/2006 3:23:19 PM   
aleshaDreams


Posts: 184
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline 		i have to agree with 'gooddogbenji' on this one, actions do speak louder than words, and alot has to do with being attentive to a persons actions, and being able to anticipate outcome.  People can be subtle in their actions and not so obvious, but if there is a question then the most obvious thing would be to question a behaviour.  I personally don't think it is out of line, especially during the getting to know that potential other, i do it all the time and have only been critized once on it and then i went poof cause obviously that one could not maintain a level of honesty that was required to build a foundation of growth so it is best that someone go poof.

And, swtsurrender i would like to apologize in regard to my previous response to your thread, as i did not take time to read your profile and take notice of your experience and/or time in the lifestyle.  my earlier response by no means reflects a persons view that has been involved to any significant exposure, however on that note, i still can relate to your fustration.

(in reply to gooddogbenji)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: totally frustrated - 7/29/2006 5:12:51 PM   
NastyAngel


Posts: 10
Joined: 1/31/2006
Status: offline 		I find there is a lot of players out there. When looking for someone online, people can be whoever they want but when faced with real time stuff, they suddenly disappear and you find out (hopefully not too late) that they were just playing games. I get that a lot on alt. Luckily for me, I met my Master real time, not just online so I know he's real. Most people if they are honest will have pictures, not be afraid to meet and will not play games and they will share your passion for the lifestyle. Others, I find are just in it for kinky intimacy and have no real desire for a relationship/

(in reply to top4yuus)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: totally frustrated - 7/29/2006 9:53:06 PM   
bluessss


Posts: 7
Joined: 4/30/2006
Status: offline 		I'm kinda new to the lifestyle but in the 18 or so months that I have been in it I have learned not to tell someone (Dominant) that I chat with online my entire life history.  Don't get me wrong.....I give basic info and tell some of my wants/desires but not all.  If they want all they're going to have to earn my trust........the key to all relationships.  I'm certainly not going to meet anyone face to face unless I feel there is something there and not just someone that only wants a one-time session.  I don't have that kind of time or energy to waste!  Lots of wannabe Doms out there....mostly just wankers if ya ask me but there are some very sincere ones out there too.  Trust your instincts.  Communication is a must and the best way to find out if he's real or fake.  Good luck in your search......take your time.  Be safe.

(in reply to top4yuus)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: totally frustrated - 7/30/2006 2:03:49 AM   
mons


Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline 		swt greetings
 
i am so sorry someone has done this to you. as a dominant woman i too want someone who is true and i did meet someone who i too thought was on the same page for so long. then the other night he turn into someone i had not meant mean angry not this sweet submissive male i talk to for so long, the things to look for are the not wanting to meet yet or making a date then not showing up. no matter what they say if they break dates change their mind on many things they watch out. i understand and may i say your hurt it does they are want to be it is not fear or they ate scare they play games, but one things remember this for that one person there are so many who are very kind and real and do want what you wish for. I am not angry or hurt but this person it is best not to be with them. something is loose in the mind area. this is the only time i ever had someone do this when you have a gut feeling something is not real go with it one more thing i had this person say i mention his name on here which is a thing that is not aloud here i thought of it later safe and same is best he is neither
 
please take care best wishes
 
mons

(in reply to swtsurrender36)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: totally frustrated - 7/30/2006 2:36:06 AM   
MistressDior


Posts: 7
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline 		"Why do i keep running into these ppl who say they want everything i want ." -
 
They know what to say, they have learnt their part:) Listen to their actions, not to their words.
 
"Let me first say that when i meet a new person (Dominant) i feel i am transparent. i want the Dominant to know up front what and who i am. what my needs are as a submissive etc." - 
 
I do not think that it is wise to be transparent - mystery is exciting, transparency can be boring.
 
Mistress Dior

(in reply to swtsurrender36)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: totally frustrated - 7/30/2006 2:40:12 AM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline
quote:

there seem to be no single Dominants looking all the good ones are taken...and if They are single they aren't what i'm looking for


If you can't find what you are looking for, perhaps you should look ay why that is....are your expectations reasonable? Have you set your standard impossibly high?

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


(in reply to swtsurrender36)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: totally frustrated - 7/30/2006 4:44:24 AM   
MsSonnetMarwood


Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline
quote:



If I'm talking to someone, pre-commitment, online or off, and I'm not interested, I drop hints.  If they don't pick up on them. I drop more obvious hints, stop calling them, only talk to them briefly when they call me, make excuses to not talk to them, and so on.  If that still doesn't work, I tell them flat out I'm not interested.  If that doesn't work, I start to worry about this person, and I poof.  Better to be an ass than killed by a psycho. 

So maybe, sometimes, it's a matter of picking up on their hints in advance, and knowing that they may not be interested.  Give them the chance to back out graciously, and move on.

I have talked to many on here, come to the conclusion that, no, we are not meant to be, and have gone our own ways without poofing, simply by being attentive to what she's saying, and telling them when I'm not interested.


Regarding the 'dropping hints, being brief on phone calls' etc to "show" that you're not interested before you flat out tell them  -  why go through this song and dance?  If you know you're not interested, just say so, rather than dodging the issue and hoping they'll get the hint.  If it's done politely and promptly, then no harm no foul - we all know it's difficult to connect via this medium.  If however you let things linger far past the point of knowing you are not interested hoping they'll take a clue, you're wasting their time as much as yours.


_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to gooddogbenji)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: totally frustrated - 7/30/2006 9:01:55 AM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: swtsurrender36

This post might come more out of anger and if so i'm very sorry.Let me first say that when i meet a new person (Dominant) i feel i am transparent. i want the Dominant to know up front what and who i am. what my needs are as a submissive etc. As a submissive i expect the same respect from the Dominant .my time and energy is being wasted!
  Why do i keep running into these ppl who say they want everything i want .Wwe are cruising along and i'm thinking Wwe are both on the same page and BAMMM i get hit with either no more phone calls,they disappear..All of a sudden work takes them over,,Its funny work wasn't taking you over while we were talking. are they married..are they playing games. are they just not true to the lifestyle..do they get their jollies off on playing games. what is wrong???
    i'm sooo frustrated i just sometimes want to forget this lifestyle. i have soo much in me and want to serve and be with someone that is truely a Dominant,someone who is sincere,and that is true to His word...why is that soo hard to find?
  


Swt...... the approach might be the problem. If you're dealing with so called wankers... you're giving them what they want right off the bat.. with all the information you give up front. I learned the hard way years ago... on line.... about wankers.  Granted there's the issue of time wasted... but you'll have to figure out what is more important... some time wasted... or finding the right one...

Good luck.....
Jessica


_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to swtsurrender36)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: totally frustrated - 7/30/2006 9:08:06 AM   
gooddogbenji


Posts: 5094
Joined: 11/15/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsSonnetMarwood

Regarding the 'dropping hints, being brief on phone calls' etc to "show" that you're not interested before you flat out tell them  -  why go through this song and dance?  If you know you're not interested, just say so, rather than dodging the issue and hoping they'll get the hint.  If it's done politely and promptly, then no harm no foul - we all know it's difficult to connect via this medium.  If however you let things linger far past the point of knowing you are not interested hoping they'll take a clue, you're wasting their time as much as yours.



I was mostly trying to make the point that if I don't let someone let me down gently, and just keep coming back, eventually, they will think of me as a stalker and just poof. 

Yours,


benji

_____________________________

Prevent global warming. Stop burning patchouli.

(in reply to MsSonnetMarwood)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: totally frustrated - 7/30/2006 10:46:18 AM   
Homestead


Posts: 1005
Status: offline 		I pretty much lose interest in anyone who comes on too strong or needy. I like to be appeciated as a regular guy, not some fantasy icon being sought with desperate zeal. I've had lots of subs in the past, and it's not something to be proud of. It means I excercised poor judgement in setting my boundaries. So I am likely to be infuriatingly slow in getting to know someone.

I want to see if I can be appreciated as a whole person-not a facillitator for a fantasy.

So if someone comes to me that way-looking for me to fit thier picture.......I'm gonna poof on them. I'll be polite enough to say "just not interested" first. But then the door slams.

< Message edited by Homestead -- 7/30/2006 10:47:11 AM >

(in reply to gooddogbenji)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: totally frustrated - 12/21/2006 1:33:15 PM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		I Totally understand what you are going through.  Before i met my Wonderful Master either i was talking to them and they kept putting off meeting and then dissappered or in one case i acutallu met someone we really seemed to hit it off (no play) he talked to me for 2 more weeks ofter we met then* poof *he was gone.  It happens to all of us.

Matt''s littleone

(in reply to top4yuus)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: totally frustrated - 12/21/2006 10:17:43 PM   
acctonthelook


Posts: 245
Joined: 3/28/2006
Status: offline 		are u for hire??? i could have used you!  I apparantly thought this myself.  NOT.

i'm not being nasty to you perveseangelic, i'm totally serious.  i wish i could hire someone to give little lie detector tests upon meeting and having discussions in person.  geeezzz maybe with that idea i just may have to buy one of those.  lol  i did see them, little hand held lie detectors!!!!!!!  Great Idea!!!!!!!!!!  I should go back to the MzSanta under general bdsm discussion and post that i want one of those too for Xmas!!!!!!!!!

apparantly i'm really stupid in believing and most of all trusting a persons truthfullness.  next time it will take a lot longer for me to open up in any fashion.

quote:

ORIGINAL: perverseangelic
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the net is a bad thing, nor am I saying that people don't lie in realtime meetings. It's just that (for me at least) I'm much better able to gauge someone's...truthfullness...when actually hearing and seeing them.

(in reply to perverseangelic)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: totally frustrated - 12/22/2006 12:33:07 AM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		Perhaps it's in the approach? My Master has talked to a lot of girls in his 25-30 years in this life. Most of who he's spoken with haven't gotten far with him at all. The chief reason for that has been that they present their wants and needs as a list of demands.Certainly, there have also been those who have decided, for their own reasons, that they were not interested in him as well, but those who demand...he really isn't interested in pursuing.

Now, I'm not saying that this is what you're doing, but just perhaps, the process of transparency is leaving the people you're meeting with very little to continue to "conquer." I'd say that most of what keeps my Master interested is new information. I don't - nor did I ever dole it all out on a platter the moment I met him. He didn't do that with me either.

It took him months to feel the desire to share with me his life outside of us. Friends of mine would tell me all sorts of "he SHOULD do this and that." I just smiled and said he'll do it when and if he's ready, and never pushed. It took him two years to see the inside of my house. I don't introduce the men in my life to my family until I know they're here to stay for quite a while. He never pushed.

A dominant who I consider to be very wise once told me that if a submissive wants her Master to stick around, she's got to keep his interest perked, and the best way to do that is to let him keep on discovering and conquering new things about her. That kind of discovery and "conquest" in my opinion, doesn't happen with transparency. And it especially doesn't happen with transparency right out of the gate.

If you're not sure what I mean, think of the movie Casablanca. Elsa was a woman of mystery when they first met, and Rick (Humphrey Bogart - another of my favorite dominant types of people) fell HARD for her - so hard in fact that he never fully recovered until she finally became transparent with him. At that point, no matter how much he cared for her, he was able to let her go. Yea yea yea, he was doing the right thing for his country, etc...but under all that, when he finally knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he had her - that he'd conquered her and she was willing to do anything he asked, he was able to let her go. Yes, it's only a movie, but the actions of those characters illustrate very clearly the point I'm trying to make.

juliet

(in reply to acctonthelook)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: totally frustrated - 12/22/2006 9:23:35 AM   
MmakeMme


Posts: 682
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NC
Status: offline 		Take a look into your own attitude, reaction, and the way in which you relate to these Doms. How much clinging, cajoling, manipulating, and controlling (on your part) is involved after the initial meeting? I understand what you are saying because of personal experience. I hope that you will one day understand what I am saying too. The change must come honestly from your own heart and your own power.

_____________________________

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. ~~ Dalai Lama

(in reply to top4yuus)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: totally frustrated - 12/22/2006 11:20:12 AM   
Amaros


Posts: 1363
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline 		I'm sorry to go off topic, but - what is bootblacking?

As for your question, you may be a victim of what I call click fever - with so many apparently willing submissives, it can lead some to always thinking they can do a little better. Consider yourself lucky they flaked, they probobly don't have what it takes for a long term relationship.

I'm not sure I buy into the "gift" thing either, but you do have something to offer and it's worth waiting for someone who appreciates it -though understandably, it is frustrating to invest time and energy into someone just to have them drop off the radar.

I try to figure out pretty quickly whether in fact getting together with this person is even practical, irregardless of how intriguing she might sound: careers, interests, where and how you will live,  expectations, etc. - and hash that out as soon as possible.

That way, you can establish whether it's going to be a casual relationship or something more, and neither of you wastes time when you could be looking for a more realistic match.

I advise against getting "heavy" with anybody until you have a good idea how things actually fit together.

(in reply to MmakeMme)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: totally frustrated - 12/22/2006 11:40:17 AM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear Amaros, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
Your question was--what is bootblacking.
 
The care of leathers, mostly boots in the traditional military way, as well as the other leathers a Master/Mistress/SIR/DADDY and or Dominant and or TOP may have.
 
If you type in your browser:  Bootblacking ; it will pop up very specific web sites with title holders in Bootblacking.
 
In Bootblacking, the one who is giving care to the leathers becomes very intimate with the leathers.  To know what kind of leather boot and or shoe they have to work with, to the knowledge of what polish products, techniques and such to use on them to make that leather top form and speaks volumes of the leather as well as the Bootblack's skill. 

Bootblacks would be assumed to just focus on footwear however, belts, body harness made of leather, leather dusters, leather coats, leather vests, leather covers (hats), leather gloves and much more.
 
Bootblacks' attention to detail often finds them in high demand and wearing titles when they are deemed the best in their craft.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to Amaros)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: totally frustrated - 12/23/2006 7:13:38 AM   
Amaros


Posts: 1363
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline 		Damn, I could have used that when I was in the Nav!

< Message edited by Amaros -- 12/23/2006 7:15:22 AM >

(in reply to LadyHugs)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: totally frustrated - 12/23/2006 10:36:50 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

gooddogbenji

Better to be an ass than killed by a psycho. 



I agree completely with this assessment.

I have had the experience of talking with people for a short period of time, think we could possibly share many things in common, and then they quit contacting me for whatever reason. I do not even question the "why" of it, I just moved on, which was pretty easy because I was usually talking with more than one dominant at a time.

I think the key is not to put all your eggs into one basket before you meet the person in real life. It gets harder to "hide" when you have actually met a person and started a real life relationship with them. It is harder for them to hide being married for example, it is harder for them to lie about where they work and live too. Mostly I think it is a recipe for a let down when someone forms expectations surrounding someone they know from the internet only, so why set yourself up for failure by emotionally investing yourself that way.

I know that many people can only have internet relationships, and they have to make do with that, but they are loaded with pitfalls and disappointments like these, and that is just part of the territory of forming online interactions.

LA was right, the one thing that all of a person's romantic disappointments have in common is the person themselves. It may be a more productive approach to look at what one is doing that opens themselves up for disappointment, rather than railing against the people that have disappointed you. The people that "poof" have their reasons, which before a commitment is in place is their right as a human being to interact with those they feel like interacting with. It is your false expectations that disappointed you more than the person that did the disappointing (pre-commitment anyways)

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to gooddogbenji)
Profile   Post #: 40
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