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Please Help...need confirmation of something - 8/2/2006 9:54:59 PM   
submissiveshe4


Posts: 15
Joined: 5/2/2005
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After almost a year of talking, chatting and meeting for lunch's or dinner's, i was offered a collar of consideration from the man i now call Master.  Of course, i eagerly accepted the collar in April of this year. 
During the time that we were getting to know each other, Master clearly stated that He "was now and always would be poly".  Although this was a new concept for me and not something that i would have sought out in a Master, after reading about poly and getting to know several poly relationships within the community, i began to see the benefits and recognize that my hesitation was only based on a fear of the unknown.  As time went on, i became more and more open to the idea and so i did not hesitate when i was offered the collar.
In June, Master told me that He wanted me to schedule a 4 day weekend off during July to attend a function with Him that He has attended in the past.  As the day of the event came closer, i began to ask about the event and what group of people would be attending, wondering if it would be anyone from the local "lifestyle" community that i knew.  It was approximately 3 weeks prior to the event when i learned that this "group" that He has been a member of for many years is a group of swingers. 
It took me many days of struggling with the right way to approach Him about this and ask Him why had He not mentioned that He was a "swinger" during all the time that we had known each other.  He claims that He thought that He had mentioned this and apologized to me if He had not.  i informed Him that He had advised me of His preference to poly relationships but not to swinging. 
Within days after this discussion, we discussed the matter again and this is when i was informed that He planned to take a "woman friend" sailing on the 3rd of July.  He explained that this woman was someone that He had known for several years and had met on one of the swinger sites.  Since that time, He has advised me when He has seen her again and has not hidden anything from me even though He knows that i will struggle emotionally every time the subject arises. 
Please forgive me for taking so long to get to the question i need to ask, but i felt it imperative that You have a little background information on which to base any advise.  And because i have been getting "negative" advise from my closest friend (also lifestyle) saying that i should ask for release and return the collar because he (friend) does not believe that my Master is truly a Dominant, but just a swinger, i want to make certain that You are aware of where i am coming from. 
 
So, the question/questions are these, 1)  As my Master's slave, i feel that i must learn to accept His decisions and His choices regardless of what they are or ask for my release correct?  2)  How do other Dominants view the swinging lifestyle and can/should they co-exist? and 3) have i been brainwashed into believing in my Master and wanting to accept and understand His choices of lifestyle?
Again, i apologize for the length and i anxiously await any and all advise. 
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Please Help...need confirmation of something - 8/2/2006 10:50:25 PM   
leatherorlace


Posts: 215
Joined: 2/21/2005
Status: offline
your story isn't all that different than dozens of others that, I have heard over the years. There are always addendums, exceptions, blah, blah, blah that some folks use as excuses to explain their love for sex, anonymous or not.
  My House is poly-fidelity, the tenets that we follow doesn't allow for sexual interactions outside the small circle of members or associates that we know have been tested, remain faithful to the tenets and therefore keep all of us free of diseases.
  I don't encourage outside My House, neither do I seek it so, I'm thinking that, I wouldn't qualify as a swinger. I see lots of females that causes My libido to quicken, but if I gave into those urges, I would be required to suspend all sexual interactions with My girls until, I had completed a series of tests for contagious diseases, no exceptions. That six months of waiting for the test results and remaining celibate would drive Me zonkers so, I comply with My own rules.
  Should you beg for release; maybe so, maybe not, but if I were you, I would make My way to the local health clinic and get a series of tests done for STD's and other communiciable diseases such as tuberculosis.
The incidence for all of them is growing and only safe and sane interactions will prevent their spread into our own bedrooms.
Gentry

(in reply to submissiveshe4)
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RE: Please Help...need confirmation of something - 8/2/2006 11:08:20 PM   
Emperor1956


Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
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quote:

It took me many days of struggling with the right way to approach Him about this and ask Him why had He not mentioned that He was a "swinger" during all the time that we had known each other.  He claims that He thought that He had mentioned this and apologized to me if He had not. 


What, he forgot?   Come on.  You seem to be an otherwise intelligent woman.  Either his "swinging" lifestyle (which is a eupemism for promiscuity) is acceptable to you or it isn't.  If it is acceptable, stop whining.  If it isn't acceptable, leave.  Stop obfuscating and hiding behind words.  How do you feel when he fucks other people?  (in case you don't know, that is what "swingers" do.  Apparently you didn't know what polyamory relationships were, either.)  Is that acceptable?

I am reminded of the Lily Tomlin routine when -- in order to escape questioning about her "rubber habit", she tells her husband she's pregnant again.  "Fortunately after dinner, he forgot."

E.

_____________________________

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"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
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"It's the same thing," he said.

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RE: Please Help...need confirmation of something - 8/3/2006 12:11:12 AM   
Estring


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I've never gotten this "collar of consideration" concept, but it seems as if you are not "officially" collared at this point. You need to decide whether you can accept his lifestyle or not before you are actually collared. I can't answer that for you, but I can say that his forgetting to mention what is a big part of who he is, is not a good sign.

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RE: Please Help...need confirmation of something - 8/3/2006 12:22:03 AM   
shadevarr


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I would suggest talking with the rest of him poly family to see what else he has forgotten to mention. If you do not feel the level of trust that you should I would suggest leaving. For the other question, I don't see any reason why swinging and BDSM cannot co-exist but it just isn't my cup of tea.

(in reply to Estring)
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RE: Please Help...need confirmation of something - 8/3/2006 1:37:42 AM   
NastyDaddy


Posts: 957
Joined: 9/8/2004
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I think a collar of consideration is like a flea collar... not a permanent binding thing with a leash attached.

Bottom line is you are either collared or not. Real collars have snap rings to attach leashes.

If you are not into sharing or being shared stay away from poly and swingers alike, they are often synonymous.

Your closet lifestyle friend may actually be a better keeper than your slick willy alleged dominant swinger.




(in reply to submissiveshe4)
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RE: Please Help...need confirmation of something - 8/3/2006 2:13:50 AM   
Tikkiee


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Ok, so let me see if I have this correct.
 He told you he was POLY, of which you accepted. Only to find that he is NOT poly, but instead a swinger? Obviously, you know that the two are very different. Also, from your post, it is apparant that he did NOT forget to mention this to you, he just LIED about it. Unless of course he has also used the excuse that the two are one and the same?
 
As to your questions
quote:

  As my Master's slave, i feel that i must learn to accept His decisions and His choices regardless of what they are or ask for my release correct?

Under normal circumstances, where everything has been discussed honestly, I would say yes, you should learn to accept his decisions. However, he LIED to you, which in my view, negates his power completly.
quote:

  have i been brainwashed into believing in my Master and wanting to accept and understand His choices of lifestyle?


No, not branwashed. Maybe a bit too eager to believe him when he says he 'forgot'.
 
I would suggest taking a step back from the relationship and sitting down to talk honestly and openly about him NOT being poly, but being a swinger. Then, reassess whether it is something YOU want also.

< Message edited by Tikkiee -- 8/3/2006 2:14:22 AM >


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RE: Please Help...need confirmation of something - 8/3/2006 3:04:45 AM   
georgejames68


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In today's situation of widespread disease etc, I would vote to drop this guy pronto! Don't forget to get yourself tested to make sure its not already too late!!!  George

(in reply to submissiveshe4)
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RE: Please Help...need confirmation of something - 8/3/2006 3:08:00 AM   
wandering4u


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Joined: 6/18/2006
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Tikkiee makes a good point - you need to re-assess where you see the relationship going. A collar of consideration goes both ways. If you do not llike swinging, then leave now before you get further involved.

(in reply to Tikkiee)
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RE: Please Help...need confirmation of something - 8/3/2006 6:54:57 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: submissiveshe4

So, the question/questions are these, 1)  As my Master's slave, i feel that i must learn to accept His decisions and His choices regardless of what they are or ask for my release correct? 

 
Some people here will say yes. But, I'm a realist. The bottom line is that we're involved in this life because it makes us happy. If our needs aren't being met, then we're not happy. You have a right to ask him to meet those needs and to ask him to stick to what he negotiated.
quote:

2)  How do other Dominants view the swinging lifestyle and can/should they co-exist?
I know some that include swinging into their relationships, but swinging is not poly. Poly is a situation where everyone knows, follows certain rules and everyone is involved. On top of that poly only works when every member of the group feels secure, which you don't.

 
quote:

3) have i been brainwashed into believing in my Master and wanting to accept and understand His choices of lifestyle?

No, but I believe that rose colored glasses have allowed him to sell you a lie. I get the feeling that he told you "poly" because you could accept that, but he knew you wouldn't accept swinging. He was looking for a way to say..."But, I told you."

He's not going to change. He's not going to stop this for you. So, it comes down to what your needs are. If you need be someone to monogamous (or poly monogamous) then I would suggest that you move on. It will only lead to hurt and anger on both parts.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 8/3/2006 6:57:42 AM >


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RE: Please Help...need confirmation of something - 8/3/2006 7:36:25 AM   
swtnsparkling


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Being a swinger is not a small issue. Him saying he thought he told you- well- you do not appear to be some one who would forget such an important thing as this. He told you poly-  poly and swinging  are two very different things. So he keeps the swinging  secret  time goes on your feelings and connection to him grow - you accept a collar - now are you supposed to not be bothered by the swinger side and just be his good subby. Umm No-  keeping this out of the intial communication and continuing to keep it out is not an Upfront-Honest thing to do. You were decived plain and simple and owe him nothing. Well that's my opinion anyway.

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RE: Please Help...need confirmation of something - 8/3/2006 8:01:43 AM   
nephandi


Posts: 4470
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From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
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Ok i will ask a quatrion here what will probably make me look real stupid, what is swing? i know it is a dance named swing, but i guess that is not what we are talking aboute here.


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RE: Please Help...need confirmation of something - 8/3/2006 8:10:03 AM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: submissive

So, the question/questions are these, 1)  As my Master's slave, i feel that i must learn to accept His decisions and His choices regardless of what they are or ask for my release correct?  2)  How do other Dominants view the swinging lifestyle and can/should they co-exist? and 3) have i been brainwashed into believing in my Master and wanting to accept and understand His choices of lifestyle?
Again, i apologize for the length and i anxiously await any and all advise. 

Hello There,
For me you seem to have presented two separate issues here.
To answer the first one. If you are his REAL FULL BDSM SLAVE your only choice is to comply with his desires or get out. Slaves should have no outside agendas. Your first rule you accepted is 1-To be pleasing to your Master at all times.
To be a slave means this is only HIS SHOW. What you want is to be only considered after his wants. If his wants are not in tune enough naturally with your needs you need to consider maybe you are more a sub than a slave, or maybe you need to find a Dom that shares your view to be with so you don't top your Master from below into giving you your way instead of his.

The second issue is if you get past issue one and feel you are a real slave and can accept your slave's station fully in his house regardless of his choice & lack of divulging his thoughts to you then you have to decide if you can be with a Dom who chooses to be open. You need to search your heart and decide if you think you're secure enough in your relationship that the others will not poison your relationship with him & cause you great insecurity on fundamental levels within yourself.

I'd recommend you read The Ethical Slut to help with your perspective of a mulit partnered situation. Use the new info to decide what you think after you've gotten some input just like with poly. Maybe this is actually an avenue that once you open it up you'll enjoy. You have admitted you thought poly was bad so you admit you have the potential to change your mind once you educate yourself and consider some things.

Good luck to you,
suzanne

(in reply to submissiveshe4)
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RE: Please Help...need confirmation of something - 8/3/2006 8:15:45 AM   
mp072004


Posts: 381
Joined: 12/22/2005
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As a person in a relationship, you need to decide whether the terms of the relationship are to your liking. You may set your own terms, as well. If you don't want to swing, and your partner does, you have a couple of options. You and he can negotiate that he swings and you don't. That seems like it might work, as it looks like swapping isn't excessively important to him. If that compromise is not acceptable--if he must have you swing, or you must have him swing--then you're not well suited to one another, and you should end the relationship.

Unless, of course, you actually want to consent to things you don't want--sublimating desire, obedience, subjection, and all that. If that's how you are primarily fulfilled, it sounds like incompatibility that causes emotional or other distress would work well for you, because it would offer you a lot of opportunities to do something you don't want to do in order to make your partner happy. (Note: this is not facetious.)

A given person can engage both in BDSM and swinging, sure. Why not? Swinger groups are usually "experimental vanilla," so spanking might go, but I doubt a sound caning would be welcome at a swinger party. However, one can swing (or swap) among BDSM relationships, thus allowing the two to coexist simultaneously. Besides, simple inequal power (i.e. d/s) readily works with all sorts of activities, including sexual ones. After all, all it means is that one person in the relationship is in charge, and makes more decisions than the other.

Brainwashed? That's confusing, and seems to absolve you of responsibility--always troubling. You liked this man, found most of his behaviors attractive, so you wanted to come to find the rest of his behaviors attractive. Nothing wrong or odd about that. Just note that if you realize that you find only a few of his behaviors attractive, and are working on persuading yourself to like the rest of his behaviors, you're probably not right for one another.

In any event, it looks like you are experiencing a lot of definitional confusion, or, at least, imprecision. It would help you to determine what you each are using "poly" and "swinger" to mean, and agree on meanings for the words. Then you can talk clearly about the terms of your relationship.

Good luck.

Monica


(in reply to submissiveshe4)
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RE: Please Help...need confirmation of something - 8/3/2006 8:22:25 AM   
Lordandmaster


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I think YOU did two things wrong.

1.  You didn't ask him to explain what he meant when he said that he "was and always will be poly."  He may well be believe that he was open and honest with you from the start, and that you're trying to change the understanding ex post facto.

2.  Don't talk to your "closest friend" about this.  If that isn't the No. 1 mistake that female subs tend to make, I don't know what is.  This is between you and your master, and no one else in the world needs to know what goes on between you two.  That doesn't mean you can't have friends, obviously, but discussing personal relationships with friends is always a bad policy, and discussing d/s relationships with friends always seems to end in resentment and misunderstanding.  Maybe she's your "closest friend," but I don't see how she has any standing to say things like "he's not a real dominant."

Hope you're able to work this out.  As you can see, I think you're at least as much at fault for being in this predicament as your supposedly evil and deceitful master is.

(in reply to submissiveshe4)
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RE: Please Help...need confirmation of something - 8/3/2006 8:40:30 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: onestandingstill
Hello There,
For me you seem to have presented two separate issues here.
To answer the first one. If you are his REAL FULL BDSM SLAVE your only choice is to comply with his desires or get out. Slaves should have no outside agendas. Your first rule you accepted is 1-To be pleasing to your Master at all times.
To be a slave means this is only HIS SHOW. What you want is to be only considered after his wants. If his wants are not in tune enough naturally with your needs you need to consider maybe you are more a sub than a slave, or maybe you need to find a Dom that shares your view to be with so you don't top your Master from below into giving you your way instead of his.

The second issue is if you get past issue one and feel you are a real slave and can accept your slave's station fully in his house regardless of his choice & lack of divulging his thoughts to you then you have to decide if you can be with a Dom who chooses to be open. You need to search your heart and decide if you think you're secure enough in your relationship that the others will not poison your relationship with him & cause you great insecurity on fundamental levels within yourself.


Respectfully suzanne...but that is horse puckey. But then again I think most posts that define "REAL FULL BDSM SLAVERY" are horse puckey. I would assume from your post that you are quite new yourself.

She is not topping from the bottom and she has every right in the world to expect him to be exactly what it is that he presented himself as....poly....not a swinger. Once a "Master" goes outside of the parameters that were agreed to, it makes any agreement between the two null and void. Relationships that don't fulfill the needs of both usually don't last. While the "HIS SHOW ONLY" mentality sounds hot on CastleRealm....it doesn't work well when applied to a realtime long term relationship....unless of course the "s" party has mental issues and feels they aren't a deserving enough human being to have their needs met.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to onestandingstill)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Please Help...need confirmation of something - 8/3/2006 8:41:15 AM   
LL1aintbehavin


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submissiveshe4
i can understand that there is chemistry between the two of you, and in some ways adjusting your thinking to accept a "poly" situation i see as fairly normal.  If you feel that having to "share" him with a third in the household is better than not being with him it can be seen as the lesser of two evils, if you are basically the mono type.
This is NOT saying that poly is evil in any way, just saying for someone that is mono it is very hard to wrap your head around it and be able to deal with.
i would find it easier to handle the idea of a third loving person being involved with both my Dom and myself, then i would be able to deal with swinging and fucking around (just my personal view on swinging).
i think it comes down to, is this way of life going to be something that you will be able to handle??
After a year you have built on a relationship with him, but forgetting to mention that He was a swinger is something i can't imagine would not have been brought up many times, or if he thought it was included under "poly".
i have a slave friend, that accepted that her Master wished for poly.  He has to be out of town for weeks at a town and wants a slave in that town to own, and she will never meet the person or have any dealings with them, but that is his definition of poly.  To me that is having an open relationship that none of his "slaves" have any relationship with each other.
i think it may be important to find out what His definition is on things that He wants you to accept and go along with in a relationship with Him.
This is after all just my opinion.
aintbehavin.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Please Help...need confirmation of something - 8/3/2006 8:49:18 AM   
smilezz


Posts: 2156
Joined: 6/18/2004
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quote:

1)  As my Master's slave, i feel that i must learn to accept His decisions and His choices regardless of what they are or ask for my release correct?

If said dominant has "fully" disclosed everything to you, yes.  You enter into a M/s relationship and either accept those, or not.  Since said dominant has not disclosed this......or forgot, or lied...etc.  where is the "i feel that i must learn to accept his decisions" coming from?
Will you learn to accept that when all is said and done, he comes home from one of his swinging nights and ends up telling you that:  "oh by the way, i have contracted (for the sake of arguement, let's go with the worst case scenerio) HIV and now you most likely will die too".  Everyone knows there is no such thing as safe sex, there is safer sex, but condoms and dental dams are not the only answer........they offer "some" protection, that's it.
Again, i know this is the worst case scenerio.....but what is your life worth to him?..........................or you?
 
This has always been a huge issue with me, i have typed it before many times and i will continue typing it.  My life is extremely important, i have a family that i never want to tell them because of stupid actions, they have the potential of never having me in their lives again.
 
So you still want to accept his decisions?  sounds like it is way past time that ALL of you sit down and lay it out on the table.  Find out what you can and can not accept.  In the long run of things, you may find out that you need something else..........but isn't your life worth that?
 
~smilezz~ 

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RE: Please Help...need confirmation of something - 8/3/2006 9:15:39 AM   
Tamerofwild1s


Posts: 1765
Joined: 12/5/2004
Status: offline
I have seen many instances where a "Dom" or "Master" willconfuse the swinging with polyamourous. they are no where near the same thing. many swingers, and this seems to be your Master, have the impression that poly means you get to fuck alot of women or what have you to your sexual preference
 
yes you took a collar, but ..... "collars of consideration" are that . its a considering to be fully collared. I have used this collar to let a slave know that I was very serious about collaring her for life ....
 
to answer your questions the choice is your still as to wether to run or not .. you still have the right to hold up the time out sign and say hey . this doesn't jive for me. if you do decide your not gonna walk away from him then yes .. you need to accept his decision to screw anything with a pulse. If he is serious about you he will take the time to get your feelings on the situation and if it bothers you that much and he really wants to collar you then he will change his agendas
 
to your next question . anything in this lifestyle can co-exist if it works for BOTH participants within the lifestyle. I personally like my cock attached right where it is and am not about to go fucking anything just cause the urges arise . thats what god gave me two hands for . lmao
 
I don't think you have been brainwashed so much as you have been mislead ... women are "normally" creatures of emotion where men are "normally" creatures of physical ..... so he played your emotions and made you think he was this and this . and in reality his own confusion is that he is just someone who likes to fuck
 
since this is only the consideration stage you need to sit back and really analyze YOURself and determine is this what you really want .... do you really want a Master who just wants to fuckor do you want a Master who will have your best interest at heart

_____________________________

A building get torched. All that is left is ashes. I used to think that it is true about everything - family, friends, feelings - but now I know that sometimes if love proves real, and two people are meant to be together, nothing can keep them apart ~

(in reply to smilezz)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Please Help...need confirmation of something - 8/3/2006 9:18:55 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

quote:

ORIGINAL: onestandingstill
Hello There,
For me you seem to have presented two separate issues here.
To answer the first one. If you are his REAL FULL BDSM SLAVE your only choice is to comply with his desires or get out. Slaves should have no outside agendas. Your first rule you accepted is 1-To be pleasing to your Master at all times.
To be a slave means this is only HIS SHOW. What you want is to be only considered after his wants. If his wants are not in tune enough naturally with your needs you need to consider maybe you are more a sub than a slave, or maybe you need to find a Dom that shares your view to be with so you don't top your Master from below into giving you your way instead of his.

The second issue is if you get past issue one and feel you are a real slave and can accept your slave's station fully in his house regardless of his choice & lack of divulging his thoughts to you then you have to decide if you can be with a Dom who chooses to be open. You need to search your heart and decide if you think you're secure enough in your relationship that the others will not poison your relationship with him & cause you great insecurity on fundamental levels within yourself.


Respectfully suzanne...but that is horse puckey. But then again I think most posts that define "REAL FULL BDSM SLAVERY" are horse puckey. I would assume from your post that you are quite new yourself.

She is not topping from the bottom and she has every right in the world to expect him to be exactly what it is that he presented himself as....poly....not a swinger. Once a "Master" goes outside of the parameters that were agreed to, it makes any agreement between the two null and void. Relationships that don't fulfill the needs of both usually don't last. While the "HIS SHOW ONLY" mentality sounds hot on CastleRealm....it doesn't work well when applied to a realtime long term relationship....unless of course the "s" party has mental issues and feels they aren't a deserving enough human being to have their needs met.


I agree with this 100%. I'll also add that there is no "real BDSM slavery". It does not exist in a legal context, it exists only within your own realm. There is no rule book. So, the "rules" of that relationship are defined by you and what you negotiate. If the relationship goes off track from what was negotiated or it is found that the negotiations were not honest,  those negotiations are null and void. I fail to see how expecting a Master to stick to his promises and words is topping from the bottom. I see it as his responsibility.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to mistoferin)
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