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RE: Reason to Be - 8/8/2006 8:41:21 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong
Do people feel a greater security of having a certainty in defined roles?

I feel greater security in knowing and defining myself.

But anyone who thinks that simply slapping a label on themselves of "sub" or "dom" somehow means that their roles and identities are defined are in for a very rude awakening.

quote:

By this I mean: A submissive comes looking for a dominant partner. They have a pretty good idea of what that is to them. Dominants know that they are the ones to be in charge. They, too, know what to expect.

That's not how it works though. Simply "being in charge" doesn't tell you a whole lot. Do they like to delegate? What's their style? Do they want to punish? Are they into kink or not? Are they looking for a wife or husband in addition? Are they poly? How do they define "in charge"?

General ideas are pretty worthless when it comes to forging one's own unique relationship that will work on the long term. Everyone has to work together to figure exactly what it will mean to those involved- and usually that meaning will change over time as the people grow and change as well.

quote:

The root of submission and dominace is the same. Submissive= compliant Dominant= control. The variations are the kinks each has. The trick is getting the people/kink/desires to match.

I don't think the root of each is that same, or that submissive = compliant, or that dominant = control.

But I do agree that what matters is getting to know eachother and seeing if you work out well together.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 41

RE: Reason to Be - 8/8/2006 8:44:44 AM

raiken

Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain

Padriag makes a point that I've noticed also. Many subs will bring up the idea of the Dom going poly. I think this is because many experienced subs have had poly things in the past... probably due to Doms pushing them into it...haha. In any case, it seems they personally find it rewarding or find pleasure in their Dom having more than one submissive. The jealousy bent takes more of a back seat, it appears. Of course, it could be that jealousy would surface if the sub felt she was becoming less than the first sub.

i have never even thought to bring that up, not because i was against it, or it had any negative theme playing in my head, just simply never gave it a thought. After i met my second Master, (my first husband-now ex), he naturally progressed in that direction, and it started out slowly, with just being close friends with a few others, then it became more intimate, so i didn't feel that sting like some do when it is just thrust upon them in a short period of time. But then again, we were more of a hippie mentality when we were young with the live and let live themes playing, and it was fun and we had some very warm times of sharing and bonding. For us, it was about a group of folks who knew how to set their differences aside, just come together and enjoy life and each other. i don't ever remember feeling jealous because there was and still isn't a need for it. Now i would get highly pissed if there were dishonest folks in the mix, that is what ruins poly, folks not being true to even themselves, or those with their own "hidden" personal agendas, yall know the type.

(in reply to ExSteelAgain)

Post #: 42

RE: Reason to Be - 8/8/2006 9:02:29 AM

MissTlTTYMilk

Posts: 142
Joined: 6/17/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

Here is another offshoot to this topic (I'm getting good as my own hijacker :)

Do people feel a greater security of having a certainty in defined roles?
By this I mean: A submissive comes looking for a dominant partner. They have a pretty good idea of what that is to them. Dominants know that they are the ones to be in charge. They, too, know what to expect.

Yes, i find it a bit of a relief to have defined roles......i often think of D/s as more traditional than alternative.......i am not meaning to offend any feminists as i wear many coats.......but as for me, it is more natural and comfortable and more inlined with what i view as traditional--not necessarilly the view of the world or others'.

< Message edited by MissTlTTYMilk -- 8/8/2006 9:12:50 AM >

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 43

RE: Reason to Be - 8/8/2006 9:14:20 AM

aleshaDreams

Posts: 184
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline

I personally am attracted to the lifestyle for the specifics of defined roles, as the experiences in vanilla type relationships has been one of power struggles on a continous bases. One wants control but does not want the responsibility that goes along with that control. So it was a continous struggle day to day to know which way one was going. Clearly defined roles is one of a few reasons i find the D.s dynamic attractive, although after spending a weekend with One, i am teetering on retreat back into the void, cause i feel at a loss following someOne around like a lost puppy and not having my interests fullfilled. Ah but another topic i shant say anything more on.

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 44

RE: Reason to Be - 8/8/2006 9:27:24 AM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
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LA:

I know all the variations.. In creating this post, I knew I was going to have someone say.. no lables.. we are all different. Agreed. For the sake of simplificaiton I stated things the way I did.

In short: If you are looking for a dominant partner.. does it help when someone identifies with a dreaded "lable" to get the ball rolling? You can always pick it apart later.

I know it helps me greatly when somene identifies themselves useing the labes that they can identify within the lifestyle when relaitng to the lifestyle situations. It saves me a heck of a lot of time when someone identifies as a straight sub male. If they identify as a switch male or a dom male.. it doesn't effect a freindship, but it sure helps to separate what I want from what is offered. This is what I mean.

< Message edited by LotusSong -- 8/8/2006 9:42:02 AM >

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 45

RE: Reason to Be - 8/8/2006 9:44:35 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong
I know al lthe variations.. in creating this post I knew I was going to have someone say.. no lables.. we are all different. Agreed. For thesake of simplificaiton I stated things the way I did.

I never said no labels. I said expecting labels somehow makes things clear when it comes to the personal level or that it will make you secure by having a label is fooling yourself.

quote:

In short: If you ae looking for a dominant partner.. does it help when someone identifies witha dreaded "lable" to get the ball rolling? You can always pick it apart later.

If that is the only type of partner, it can help narrow the field from 15 million to 1 million.

quote:

I know it helps me greatly when somene identifies themselves useing the labes that they can identify within the lifestyle when relaitng to the lifestyle situations. It saves me a heck of a lot of time when someone identifies as a straight sub male. If they identify as a switch male or a dom male.. it doesn't effect a freindship, but it sure helps to separate what I want from what is offered. This is what I mean.

Absolutely. Clearing the field is great and labels and easy access cues help in the initial screening processes a lot.

You're still left with a huge variety in the end however- and it doesn't make me feel more "secure" as your initial question asked knowing that I can clear the field from 15 million people to 1 million people by eliminating all the "not self identified doms."

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 46

RE: Reason to Be - 8/8/2006 9:46:14 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: aleshaDreams
Clearly defined roles is one of a few reasons i find the D.s dynamic attractive, although after spending a weekend with One, i am teetering on retreat back into the void, cause i feel at a loss following someOne around like a lost puppy and not having my interests fullfilled. Ah but another topic i shant say anything more on.

Exactly. Calling ones self a dom and saying "I'm dom and that means I'm in charge" really is pretty meaningless when it comes to the relationship stage. It doesn't offer any more security or helpfulness than any other type of relationship.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to aleshaDreams)

Post #: 47

RE: Reason to Be - 8/8/2006 9:53:42 AM

impishlilhellcat

Posts: 4379
Joined: 3/26/2006
Status: offline

I came into BDSM looking for only one partner and I have found only one partner. Daddy occasionally will loan me out to other Doms simply for learning purposes.... and he scenes with other female subs and slaves when asked in a non sexual manner because he thinks it is a great honor for them to ask such of him. Even and I know we've gotten on this subject many times Daddy is a equal opportunity sadist and while he's picky he scenes in a non sexual manner with sissy boys too. None of this bothers me because he and I are involved it's non sexual with others and I always come first and foremost to Daddy. He says that I always get his best.

_____________________________

Anyone who says they have only one life to live must not know how to read a book - Unknown

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 48

RE: Reason to Be - 8/8/2006 9:55:48 AM

Jasmyn

Posts: 1234
Joined: 2/6/2004
From: New Zealand
Status: offline

quote:

quote:

ORIGINAL: aleshaDreams
Clearly defined roles is one of a few reasons i find the D.s dynamic attractive, although after spending a weekend with One, i am teetering on retreat back into the void, cause i feel at a loss following someOne around like a lost puppy and not having my interests fullfilled. Ah but another topic i shant say anything more on.

Exactly. Calling ones self a dom and saying "I'm dom and that means I'm in charge" really is pretty meaningless when it comes to the relationship stage. It doesn't offer any more security or helpfulness than any other type of relationship.

LA amen to that ... and alesha sorry to hear ...I want to tear my hair out everytime I read or hear of someone saying to a sub ...that it's not their role to question what their Master or Mistress wants ...when questioning the dynamic they find themselves in with a dominant partner who has, as you say LA, self labelled as a dom, thinking that in itself entails them to lie back and think of england and do no more bar barking an order or telling someone what to do ... d/s is interactive... domination and control ...it's active, not passive.

_____________________________

quote:

"To learn the art of submission a slave must first give up the desires that drew him to submission in the first place." Mistress Jasmyn Jan 2005.

Visit My Website

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 49

RE: Reason to Be - 8/8/2006 10:20:23 AM

fyreredsub

Posts: 3403
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline

i was recruited into this lifestyle and as a Domme and he wanted his ass whipped and well ya know.......

didnt have anything to do with multiples unless you count the strap-on.*chuckles*
i've always had the idea of a closed poly gorean home however after a recent expereince i'm ready to change my mind*chuckles*
i don't wish multiple Owners, just one to obey is hard enough and fine with me.
However i can say i don't know of any Gorean Masters that aren't poly sooooooooo, the best a girl can hope for is to be allowed to have some say in her her sister shall be

_____________________________

"Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. " Renegades

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 50

RE: Reason to Be - 8/8/2006 10:21:15 AM

Jasmyn

Posts: 1234
Joined: 2/6/2004
From: New Zealand
Status: offline

quote:

How many came to the lifestyle because of the hope of multiple partners?

How much of the idealized thought of having a woman or man (refering to Dom/me and submissives) "do everything you want/hope without question" did you think attracted you?

What did you find to be the truth?

When I first heard of it all., I admit I thought "WOW! The 60's revisited!"

Lotus ... I was drawn to domination by sheer strength of character ... years of things not quite making sense ...finally I unleashed the beast within and found my truth ... growing up the youngest in a large Catholic, typical patriachy, God fearing, sex was sin ...blah blah, blah blah ... but my family are wonderful and openminded and non judgemental, and all know that I am into this...happy to let me be me ...

What didn't make sense ... was on the one hand, my life to date was, men in charge, but generally the men who I found myself involved with were subservient to me, to my wants, to my needs ... when my upbringing told me it was meant to be the other way around...alpha men were happy to have great primal sex with an alpha woman, but very few could handle the jandal, of been with head strong me ... yet I didn't think/know I was been head strong, I was just been me, like I couldn't be anything else if I tried (if that makes sense) ...

When I first experimented with B&D, it was bedroom kink with a switchy boyfriend, we had some great times playing it casual, early on in our relationship we decided to get a little more serious about the d/s side of things...explore that a little ...at a flip of a coin I got to be the one in charge for a week... it was mind blowing ...for both of us ... I enjoyed every moment of it ... but after, I struggled to fathom how a submissive to me male could love a dominant woman ...remember all my conditioning told me ...men were the providers, the protectors... if I was strong and didn't necessarily need his protection...then how can they love me? Bizzare times ... but I got over it ;) thankfully ... begun to stand in my own light, stand in my own power ... am still on a journey ...growing into a wise old crone and loving every minute of it.

Sexually, learning to embrace, to coin a phrase, my inner Goddess, I am now open to multiple partners ... but when I first got involved in d/s with my ex above, I was soooo against it ...I was his sub, I was meant to be his everything ...till a wise woman once told me ... let him play with others ... now whats good for the goose, I can see is good for the gander too.

Initially it was B&D, the kink, the fetish, the yummy horny experiences that I pursued ...as time went on ...the d/s excited me, enticed me, teased me, taunted me to take control... to be that indulgent ... to humour my ego... to put a person on a leash and see what they would do ... and finally, it all made sense ... the subservient men of my past ... who saw what I didn't all those moons ago.

_____________________________

quote:

"To learn the art of submission a slave must first give up the desires that drew him to submission in the first place." Mistress Jasmyn Jan 2005.

Visit My Website

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 51

RE: Reason to Be - 8/8/2006 10:52:54 AM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

In short: If you are looking for a dominant partner.. does it help when someone identifies with a dreaded "lable" to get the ball rolling? You can always pick it apart later.

Well let me put it this way, I'm not looking at Dommes profiles to find a submissive!

Yes it can help when people are able to state clearly who they are, what they have to offer and what they seek.

However, that said, I also realize many people aren't able or don't articulate that clearly. Some don't know themselves well enough to be able to. So while I seek female slaves, if I meet a female switch who for whatever reason (perhaps chemistry) decides she wants to be my slave then I keep an open mind to that. Still, even then, the fact that I can clearly articulate what I seek helps, I'm sure.

Once the "ball" is rolling, I think being able to clearly define roles within the relationship, goals and expectations, boundaries and structure, are all important to creating a stable relationship. Its been my experience that most submissives thrive in that kind of environment and feel the most secure in such a relationship.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 52

RE: Reason to Be - 8/8/2006 11:43:31 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tamerofwild1s

I feel it takes alot of mental drain on me to do the things I am required to do on a day to day basis to keep a slave moving in directions Iwant her to go . to use that mental drain on others . more then one . would either be unfair to one of the girls or be excessively draining on me. I'll stick with one girl.

Tamer,

It is quite possible when you find a submissive/slave that is the right match for you, that it won't be draining at all but energizing. I know that my Lord does not find it mentally draining at all on a daily basis, quite the opposite in fact. There are rare occasions when it is, but those are few and far between. The interactions between us have a positive effect on our energy level. We are very well matched and it is quite natural for alandra and I to go in the direction he wants with little direction or prodding from him.

Not trying to talk you into poly, but just a thought to consider.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to Tamerofwild1s)

Post #: 53

RE: Reason to Be - 8/8/2006 11:56:41 AM

raiken

Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

The interactions between us have a positive effect on our energy level. We are very well matched and it is quite natural for alandra and I to go in the direction he wants with little direction or prodding from him.

Not trying to talk you into poly, but just a thought to consider.

Knight's kyra

You hit the nail on the head. Being WELL MATCHED...IS the one thing that most everyone searches for; being on the same page.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 54

RE: Reason to Be - 8/8/2006 3:52:41 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

For over 19 years now... poly has been a possibility/reality to one degree or another. I don't see coming out to the community as coming into a lifstyle... I had my lifestyle... long before I came out to the community. But coming out into the community and venturing online was a means of increasing the probability of finding a person that was compatiable to alandra and I.

I never idealized of that "so-called" prefect slave or another girl to do my bidding etc etc. I was looking for someone that complimented me not complete me. alandra was orginally the person that desired poly and it took me a while to consider what exactly I was seeking and if I wanted that in the first place. It was until about 7-8 years ago that I made the decision that I was prepared to have another in my life and know what I had to offer as well as what I wanted.

The truth I found is there is alot of lonely people out there. I also found that people will lie in order not to feel alone or be alone. I learned that to finding someone is easy... but finding the right someone is not so easy. I had another girl before kyra... I learned alot from that experience.... both my limitations as well as my strengths. I also learned that to trust myself more and not trust others over my own instincts.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 55

RE: Reason to Be - 8/8/2006 3:59:51 PM

SirKenin

Posts: 2994
Joined: 10/31/2004
From: Barrie, ON Canada
Status: offline

I came to BDSM because I knew for years that something was "wrong" with Me... Well, that is what I thought before I found BDSM. One submissive tried to tell Me that I was very much a Dom and I had no idea what she was talking about. Later, a girlfriend who was a sub picked up on it and introduced Me to the lifestyle.

I never came with the intentions of beating anyone, having multiple partners or anything else. I just came to find My own pretty much.

_____________________________

Hi. I don't care. Thanks.

Wicca: Pretending to be an ancient religion since 1956

Catholic Church: Serving up guilt since 107 AD.

(in reply to nefertari)

Post #: 56

RE: Reason to Be - 8/8/2006 4:12:26 PM

Slipstreme

Posts: 817
Joined: 1/1/2006
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quote:

How many came to the lifestyle because of the hope of multiple partners?

How much of the idealized thought of having a woman or man (refering to Dom/me and submissives) "do everything you want/hope without question" did you think attracted you?

What did you find to be the truth?

When I first heard of it all., I admit I thought "WOW! The 60's revisited!"

Nope. I came into the lifestyle because I was always attracted to it. I originally came into it for the S&M play only, but found myself drawn to D/s. The multiple partners thing was simply something that I was ok with, so long as sex wasn't involved, but I ended up in a poly family simply by circumstance. I never actively sought out a poly family.

_____________________________

Living the Dichotomy

Painslut? How about "Endorphin Junkie"?

For information about "the furry thing" please check out my profile journal entry for: 1/17/2006

Alpha of a leather family of four. Master to the slave z.

(in reply to nefertari)

Post #: 57

RE: Reason to Be - 8/8/2006 5:39:30 PM

MissTlTTYMilk

Posts: 142
Joined: 6/17/2006
Status: offline

I guess "defined roles" was not what i meant at all--i did not take it literally--of course i do not think slapping a hello i am a sub sticker on my chest makes it easier...(although i do like the slapping part)..i find just knowing who one is and wants makes it easier to have a relationship than without that knowledge.

(in reply to Slipstreme)

Post #: 58

RE: Reason to Be - 8/10/2006 2:32:05 PM

onmykneesforhim

Posts: 112
Joined: 6/18/2006
Status: offline

....they have no business being in my presence. There one "Apha" in my house-ME.

This puts quite a lot in prespective for me, Thank you. omk

(in reply to Homestead)

Post #: 59

RE: Reason to Be - 8/10/2006 3:21:38 PM

gandalf0297

Posts: 148
Joined: 8/6/2006
Status: offline

I'd have to agree with tamer. It takes so much time and effort just to keep up with one sub let alone two. and she deserves all of your attention and care that you can give becuse giving less would be a great injustice. both to you and her.
Gandalf
besides I am getting on in age and two or more would probably kill me

(in reply to nefertari)

Post #: 60

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