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RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "... - 8/15/2006 11:21:22 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

I've been thinking it's just a shame for someone to have to act "tough" all the time.
I personally wouldn't mind it if occasionally a Dom I'd have would just want to "let out" his troubles and whine to me about them. I wouldn't think less of them for it. Or think that they were a "wuss."

Maybe this isn't really very "bdsm-like" of me to this this. Oh well.
Any thoughts on this topic?



I can't fathom anyone acting like this all the time. As many have commented it would grow very tiresome after a while. However, I do understand where you're coming from and the human element is important. When the one that I'm with can stand before without defenses and reveal their vulnerability and what ails them within. I feel a deeper love, connection, and greater desire to serve and please.

If someone is unable to relate to me in this capacity it makes me wonder how they can understand and empathize when I'm in a similar vain. I would not be willing to forego the man to have the master instead. I believe both aspects are important and need to be nurtured and attended to equally.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "... - 8/15/2006 11:30:01 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

I know - I want to be trusted enough for them to feel they can talk to me about what might be a problem for them as well. It would be kind of insulting not to be trusted that much, really.

- Susan


Every man I have talked to about sharing their inner self with the woman in their life often felt the most bitter about not being able to share the little troubles they felt weighing them down, it was hurtful to feel that the woman in their life was not emotionally engaged. It is hard to trust someone with this part of yourself, and I think a lot of men have been hurt (not just dominant ones) by cold unfeeling women. At least this is what I have noted when talking to many men about why LTRs and marriages have failed for them.. and they relate this with sadness if their eyes.

When someone is willing to trust you with their little troubles, the things they worry about, their frailities and weaknesses (yes, dominants have them too, they just are either better hidden or not completely consuming to them) it is a good thing to honor what they share and to keep it close to your heart.. and be worthy of the trust shown to you... just my thoughts

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "... - 8/15/2006 11:33:38 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		This is good to know. I think it's cruel to expect someone to "be there" for you and then refuse to "be there" for them. What kind of relationship is that, even if one does like more defined "gender roles" ?

I also like what porcelaine said about not wanting to separate the man from the Master and needing the "whole person" to be in the relationship with. I'd need that, too.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/15/2006 11:34:16 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "... - 8/15/2006 11:50:50 PM   
Pimpernell


Posts: 198
Joined: 12/10/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

I've been thinking it's just a shame for someone to have to act "tough" all the time.
I personally wouldn't mind it if occasionally a Dom I'd have would just want to "let out" his troubles and whine to me about them. I wouldn't think less of them for it. Or think that they were a "wuss."

Yes, there is probably a limit to listening to anyone's whining (including that of a submissive or slave), but still...

And I don't think this because I consider I could be a Switch, either. I just think it's not fair for them to have to act this way (or maybe think they do) - all the time.

Maybe this isn't really very "bdsm-like" of me to this this. Oh well.
Any thoughts on this topic?

- Susan


On Males not sharing emotions...
Okay, I'm going to let you into a little secret that women don't seem to know or they know but deny it.

A lot of guys have learnt not to share their vulnerable side with women.  Women do lose respect for men that appear vulnerable.  They start to distance themselves, become unavailable and want to break off the relationship.  Anything you tell them will be used as a weapon in future.  They will share your innermost secrets with their friends.  They will whine about you not sharing your emotions with them then will abuse you when you do ie That's not fair or You shouldn't feel that way.  They will try to make you feel bad for having feelings that they do not approve of.

It doesn't matter if not all women are like that, the ones that are don't think they are either, so guys learn not to share.  To share yourself and be abused in return will mean you will be very reluctant to share again as you know no matter what the woman says she may not be able to deal with your emotions being different than what she wants them to be.

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "... - 8/15/2006 11:54:35 PM   
BuxomGoddess714


Posts: 91
Joined: 2/20/2006
From: So.California
Status: offline 		We are all human.  We all have needs.  Being Dominant does not mean tough, unfeeling or uncaring.  Dominants have many needs, and a good Dominant is very aware of what those needs are; that is why We appear to be so demanding.  We sometimes know what YOUR needs are better then you do and that is why you submit to Our leadership.  It is a power exchange.  I very much need the submissive people in My life.  I cherish them.  they take care of Me and I them.  I have an exhausting job, council many people and have many people leaning on Me on a daily basis.  To have the proper balance in My life, I MUST have the love, care and service of the submissive people around Me (and the council of some Higher Up Dominants).  I get VERY tired and am dependent on the services of people to serve Me so I can take care of everyone who depends on Me.  Thats why TRUE submissives are needed and TRUE Dominants Who appreciate My situation fit best in My life.  Posers and users just come in to drain the opportunity that is Me... THEN I become tired of being tough and Everything else, because they are not truly giving anything back, they are only giving the appearance of something and that has no value.  Once again, this is the difference between being a true Lifestyler and someone who plays in scenes.

Be blessed,
Goddess

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "... - 8/16/2006 12:12:40 AM   
Wolfie648


Posts: 600
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

I've been thinking it's just a shame for someone to have to act "tough" all the time.
I personally wouldn't mind it if occasionally a Dom I'd have would just want to "let out" his troubles and whine to me about them. I wouldn't think less of them for it. Or think that they were a "wuss."

Yes, there is probably a limit to listening to anyone's whining (including that of a submissive or slave), but still...

And I don't think this because I consider I could be a Switch, either. I just think it's not fair for them to have to act this way (or maybe think they do) - all the time.

Maybe this isn't really very "bdsm-like" of me to this this. Oh well.
Any thoughts on this topic?

- Susan 


Do subs/slaves ever get tired of not 'being tough'?

D (owner of j).

_____________________________

Possibly.

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "... - 8/16/2006 3:37:20 AM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		Even though we might not always wish this were the case, we are all people first, doms or dommes or masters or mistresses or subs or slaves or anteaters as an adjunct to that. 

So, sometimes real life whaps us in the head and we have to take a moment to focus on ourselves before our charge.  (Now, I know that is how many of us more-dominant-in-the-relationship think it is supposed to be, I'm just not in that camp.)  So for me, an inordinately independent emotions-down-the-middle-at-all-times, if I were to get out of synch I feel grateful that there is someone there to either a) get 'more' dominant and playful to let the stresses out (hope you're in the mood for MORE pain, sweetie), or b) yes, as you indicate, just take a moment and whine or moan or bitch or whatever it takes to release the negativities.

That's part of the function of being in a relationship, whatever our orientation.  Nothing wrong with that, is there?

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "... - 8/16/2006 3:37:29 AM   
AnAtlantaDom


Posts: 98
Joined: 7/13/2006
Status: offline 		susan, et.al.
 
I don't see where a Dom/me has to be tough if they are indeed have a dominant personality.  It will show in their daily life.  I seldom raise My voice under any situation but that doesn't mean those around Me don't understand I have a doninant personality.
 
As to the whinning as posted above:
 
Men & women have very differnt needs, in general.   This is a genralization & is not intended to indicate it holds true for all people. at all times
 
When women have a concern typically they need to vent just to "hear" their own thoughts as they say them.  Men on the other hand typically have a need to slove problems.  We prefer to find resolution & will make suggestions to find a remedy & expect them to be made when we have one.
 
Best to all,
 
AD

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "... - 8/16/2006 5:24:34 AM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline 		I'm thankful I have a slave that reads me well :)  There have been times that a strong arm has sneaked up on me and held me at times I didn't even know I needed it :)

I'm not an emotional person (the result of a midwestern upbringing) 

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "... - 8/16/2006 5:35:26 AM   
MistressOfGa


Posts: 2929
Status: offline 		Susan,
Good timing! I am a dominant woman, there is no doubt about that in my mind, but those who know me, know that I have been brought to tears a number of times regarding my relationship with Brian (Pup). During the course of my relationship with Brian, I have had on and off contact with another submissive who at one time was interested in being mine. I didn't know it, because he didnt show it, or tell me, so I talked to him about many things that bothered me and some of the problems that I had with training, ect. In other words, I talked to him as I would a friend. Recently, he told me that he would be interested in my being his Mistress. I told him that when I moved down here I would meet him. The night before I met him, he read my journals and found out how deep my feelings were for my pup. This was a month ago. The other night I was talking to him and I asked if he would still be interested in submitting to me. His words "Naw, I have seen what is behind the black curtain".  I have to say that his statement upset me. I told him, "So because you have seen that I am indeed human, with all the frailities that are involved with being human,  you can't submit to me?"  He said no, he couldnt. I read on these boards all the time how some submissives would just love to see dominants open up and be human. Apparently he is not one of them.  It is like not wanting to open up a crackerjacks box, because you know what the surprise is inside already. I am with Pimpernell on this one, I don't believe that people who view you as strong want to see you weak in any way. It isnt just men who have learned to hide their vulnerabilities, by not wanting to share their emotions. He is also right about this:
quote:

It doesn't matter if not all women are like that, the ones that are don't think they are either
This can be applied to men as well. I say piss on the whole lot of um.

_____________________________





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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "... - 8/16/2006 5:38:33 AM   
MistressMaamNH


Posts: 211
Joined: 8/11/2004
Status: offline
quote:

On Males not sharing emotions...
Okay, I'm going to let you into a little secret that women don't seem to know or they know but deny it.

A lot of guys have learnt not to share their vulnerable side with women. Women do lose respect for men that appear vulnerable. They start to distance themselves, become unavailable and want to break off the relationship. Anything you tell them will be used as a weapon in future. They will share your innermost secrets with their friends. They will whine about you not sharing your emotions with them then will abuse you when you do ie That's not fair or You shouldn't feel that way. They will try to make you feel bad for having feelings that they do not approve of.

It doesn't matter if not all women are like that, the ones that are don't think they are either, so guys learn not to share. To share yourself and be abused in return will mean you will be very reluctant to share again as you know no matter what the woman says she may not be able to deal with your emotions being different than what she wants them to be.


Being human means you have emotions. Not being respected for your humanity as you just shared, is a very sad thing. It is clear how it has colored your view of an entire gender.  Sad to see that kind of damage to a person's psyche.
Never once have I lost respect for a male who has shared his feelings and innermost thoughts..in fact, just the opposite. Being human, I know just how tough at times it can be to let yourself be that vulerable.  I have more respect for someone who expresses themselves on that level.

MMNH


_____________________________

Let Me lay you softly, down onto the thorns...

(in reply to Pimpernell)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "... - 8/16/2006 5:44:48 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

I've been thinking it's just a shame for someone to have to act "tough" all the time.
I personally wouldn't mind it if occasionally a Dom I'd have would just want to "let out" his troubles and whine to me about them. I wouldn't think less of them for it. Or think that they were a "wuss."

Yes, there is probably a limit to listening to anyone's whining (including that of a submissive or slave), but still...

And I don't think this because I consider I could be a Switch, either. I just think it's not fair for them to have to act this way (or maybe think they do) - all the time.

Maybe this isn't really very "bdsm-like" of me to this this. Oh well.
Any thoughts on this topic?

- Susan 


You seem to be making an assumption that to be Dominant that one has to demonstrate that they are "tough" all the time.

It a common misperception that to cry one is weak.... and weakness equates to lacking dominance.  I however, feel that person that is able to express any emotion with a controlled and a managed manner that one is showing an incredible dominance of oneself.

Therefore... I equate the "tough" all the time as a sign of weakness within a person.  I would also note that  because I don't see the tenderness and vulnerability of an individual that it doesn't equate to them being "tough" all the time.  I would expect that person's initmate and close relationships have the priviledge to see these aspects of the person that I am not entitled to.

Many do not see the emotions that you speak of being demonstrated by me, but I assure you that my loving girls are priviledged to see these aspects of me.  I also will not deny that I have these types of emotions to others as I consider to do so is just some vain or ego inflating motivations that are nothing more than illusionary.  It also raises a point of integrity to me when a person makes grandur claims of emotional utophia or they just might be delusional.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "... - 8/16/2006 5:45:40 AM   
eroticangel


Posts: 272
Joined: 2/13/2006
Status: offline 		i think juliaoceania said it all...that IS just the way it should be!

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "... - 8/16/2006 5:45:51 AM   
darkinshadows


Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

I've been thinking it's just a shame for someone to have to act "tough" all the time.
I personally wouldn't mind it if occasionally a Dom I'd have would just want to "let out" his troubles and whine to me about them. I wouldn't think less of them for it. Or think that they were a "wuss."

Yes, there is probably a limit to listening to anyone's whining (including that of a submissive or slave), but still...

And I don't think this because I consider I could be a Switch, either. I just think it's not fair for them to have to act this way (or maybe think they do) - all the time.

Maybe this isn't really very "bdsm-like" of me to this this. Oh well.
Any thoughts on this topic?

- Susan 

I really do not see this as a common occurance.  Of course there are some dominants that act 'tough' all the time... but equally, there are submissives that do that also.
All the dominants I have ever known have feelings.  They are human.  They laugh, they cry, they hurt and they share.  It is a sign of a healthy relationship... be that intimate or friendship based.
 
I cannot fathom why anyone would think that this line of thinking 'isn't very BDSM like' -  Feeling like that just re-enforces the generalisation that BDSM is all about pain and suffering and sexual encounters.  People who participate in BDSM are human beings.  There are assholes here, just as there are in everyday life... it isn't going to alter just because we are a subsection of the world.
 
I love that He can be open with me and express His feelings both good and bad, and it doesn't make Him weak in the slightest, it actually makes Him - in my eyes - such a stong individual because He has an understanding of Himself that is so deep, that He isn't afraid to show feelings - nor that understanding that He has.  It also means I am so obviously trusted, and that I am intrinsic to our relationship - in His eyes.
 
Peace and Rapture


_____________________________
.dark.



...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "... - 8/16/2006 6:11:46 AM   
bigdaninwi


Posts: 35
Joined: 5/31/2005
Status: offline 		On this point, I agree with AnAtlantaDom, my size is a huge factor in "appearing" rough and tough.  My deep voice also makes it harder for people to overcome the tone and listen to the words.  I am naturally Dominant.  I take control when I desire.

My girl is also tough and she enjoys pushing my boundaries and together we have forged a relationship that allows her freedom.  She is submissive when she wants to be.  When I can create an environment that is safe for her to allow her give me that power exchange.  I earn my the power exchangewith my submissive.  She is not a pushover or doormat.  She is strong and independent in most of her day.

What I have found so much fun with her verses many other submssives of the past, is she sees through the rough and tough exterior and can bring out my sensitive side.  My girl creates an environment for me to express myself more fully as a male dominate.  The result is: I am a much happier person and I think a more compassionate Dom.  Which translates into creating a nurturing an exciting life together.

While I hate the word whining, AnAtlantaDom has once again outlined my thoughts.  "Whining" is a form of communication used by submissives to inform me of their feelings, desires, and needs.  Therefore, I embrace my girls communication efforts and give the responses as necessary.  Isn't my responsiblity to guide and lead?  How can one do that without an understanding of the issues?  How can goals be created an my girl be happy unless..I create an environment for her to tell me what is going on.  Like wise, for her to act on and be respectful, when I push her to excel.

Listen there are times when I am ...away from my submissive, I will begin to moan..quite loudly..my body aches for my girl.  Like a great sailing vessel, I will begin to shake when I don't have her around.  If the price to pay is to understand her desires..that is a price..I love paying.  My desire is have my submissive whine to me for many many years.

As for the Mr. Fix it..I am glad to hear another person has my personality flaw.  I was beginning to think I was alone in the repairmans world.  Here I thought I was good a empathetic listening.  Turns out I remain a project manager even with my submissive.  Where can I sign-up for the Eve Arden Classes on how to listen without fixing!

Cheers All


< Message edited by bigdaninwi -- 8/16/2006 6:26:53 AM >

_____________________________

"Loving the master - Not as apprentices do, loves a master as a master."

Nietzche

"On the Genealogy of Morals."

(in reply to AnAtlantaDom)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "... - 8/16/2006 7:01:03 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		What a marvelous question Susan! And something I believe in---that of being human--I love being the one to shoulder the responsibilities, but being human---at times I get tired or frustrated, I don't get irritable, but carrying the burden at times can be taxing, but I would never trade it for it is what I am and what I am about.
 
I do though make a point when interviewing a prospective, to show that side--they need to know I am human and it is a good test to see if they seek reality or fantasy--trust Me, that can send a wannabe running faster than anything!

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "... - 8/16/2006 7:08:56 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		If anyone has convinced you that they are "tough" all the time, you either don't know them well or they're very, very good at hiding emotion/vulnerability. All the Masters and Dominants I respect are emotional in a healthy way (usually...we all screw that up sometimes) and offer a sense of transparency to their households (which includes their friends). While I tend to get frustrated with myself for not being "the rock" all the time for the people in my life, I also talk to the people in my life about my own problems and feelings. Sometimes, they're the shelf that my rock rests upon and sometimes, I'm the rock they lean on.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "... - 8/16/2006 7:25:18 AM   
Homestead


Posts: 1005
Status: offline 		Why should I cater to someone's insecurities by role playing?

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "... - 8/16/2006 7:44:30 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

It a common misperception that to cry one is weak.... and weakness equates to lacking dominance.  I however, feel that person that is able to express any emotion with a controlled and a managed manner that one is showing an incredible dominance of oneself
I absolutely agree with this.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "... - 8/16/2006 9:28:38 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		My sub knows my vulnerabilities and I'm not afraid to show them to him. he knows me very well as I know him. We are human and ALL humans have flaws,vulnerabilities and quirks, its just finding someone who can understand and embrace them as a part of ourselves.

I think Dominants who are afraid to show the *real* self are only fooling themselves. It will come out in one way or another and most subs can pickup on that right away.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 40
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