Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "tough"? (Full Version)

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SusanofO -> Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "tough"? (8/15/2006 10:18:25 PM)

I've been thinking it's just a shame for someone to have to act "tough" all the time.
I personally wouldn't mind it if occasionally a Dom I'd have would just want to "let out" his troubles and whine to me about them. I wouldn't think less of them for it. Or think that they were a "wuss."

Yes, there is probably a limit to listening to anyone's whining (including that of a submissive or slave), but still...

And I don't think this because I consider I could be a Switch, either. I just think it's not fair for them to have to act this way (or maybe think they do) - all the time.

Maybe this isn't really very "bdsm-like" of me to this this. Oh well.
Any thoughts on this topic?

- Susan 



Slipstreme -> RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "tough"? (8/15/2006 10:23:29 PM)

It is my slave and my two subs, my family, that I show my vulnerabilities to. I have, at times, cried, and often do vent, talking to my slave about certain personal problems I am having. I prefer, however, keeping the tough exterior around my friends and the world.

So I'm a wuss at heart. I don't care! :P 



SusanofO -> RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "tough"? (8/15/2006 10:24:37 PM)

Yay Slipstreme! Good for you.[:)]

- Susan



DiurnalVampire -> RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "tough"? (8/15/2006 10:29:03 PM)

I am not always "tough" at home.  Outside, I am, I have to be. Always did when I was growing up and always will be. But at home, with family, friends and significant others, I can let down my guard a bit.
However, as one former sub learned, just becasue I am not being "tough" doesnt mean I am not still a domme.  I can turn it right back on if my buttons are pushed.

DV



Slipstreme -> RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "tough"? (8/15/2006 10:30:09 PM)

Yeah my vulnerability was always something I have been uncomfortable with (in fact I stopped a scene, as a bottom, because of it once. I was not comfortable crying in front of my friend because I do see it as weakness and tend to be ashamed of it). Just the way I was brought up. My family considered crying as weakness and self pity (oh tough it up. Stop crying, "poor pitiful me" and the like.) and with my peers, made me a target for verbal or physical abuse. It was almost like I wasn't allowed to experience emotion growing up, because to do so would merit retribution.

So getting over that, and finally being able to cry in front of my slave, and my two subbie boys took a lot. Because I know it was a part of myself, that for the longest time, and often still do, wished I could remove from me.

quote:

However, as one former sub learned, just becasue I am not being "tough" doesnt mean I am not still a domme.  I can turn it right back on if my buttons are pushed.  

Hehe. Tried to play you for a fool but alas, I bet he got a sore reminder of who was in charge [:D]



NastyDaddy -> RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "tough"? (8/15/2006 10:35:24 PM)

There is a difference between being tough and just being no bullshit, matter of fact businesslike.

In the course of some business and life matters, the need for toughness or being tough may arise.

Then there's ego's, perceptions, delusions and all that udder jazz...

I'm done, thanks for letting me whine... feel much better now... like a whole new tough bastard!





SCORPIOXXX -> RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "tough"? (8/15/2006 10:37:12 PM)

Being "tough" FT is like having to go to work 24/7, lol... Hell, I much prefer fun to drama... Get tough when the occasion demands it, and the rest of the time stay chilled. Life is too short to spend it wearing a frown...



GoddessDustyGold -> RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "tough"? (8/15/2006 10:39:34 PM)

Hi Susan!
 
I don't really consider  Myself "tough".   I am human and I will show My vulnerabilities with the right people. 
I think I look more at things as a way to fulfil My personality and not have to compromise.  I want to be in charge, and lucky Me if I have someone who wants Me to be in charge.
If you mean being Dominant, then I am that all the time.  So it is not a hard thing.  If I am having a bad day, or if I am sick, or worried about family or having stress in My life, I am all the luckier because I have a kind of support in those times that vanilla relationships often do not support.  But having vulnerable times does not make Me less Dominant.  It just makes Me human.



popeye1250 -> RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "tough"? (8/15/2006 10:40:21 PM)

LOL, Susan, I don't "act tough" at all.
I speak in an even voice and don't yell or anything like that during B&D sessions.
I guess I'm "always on" so it just comes naturally to me.
And of course I'd want to share things in my life with my sub whoever she may be.
I don't think it makes you any "less Dominant" to have human feelings.



gandalf0297 -> RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "tough"? (8/15/2006 10:43:03 PM)

Hate to tell you this but being tough as you put it all of the time will land you on the shrinks couch .Its just a matter of time. It's not good for the dom and certainly not good for the sub.  I am a firm beliver in aftercare. would you say that holding a  sub is a sign of weakness? Fact of the matter is in any D/s relationship there has to be excellent communication. and every now and again a Dom is going to unload on a sub. He is not asking her to fix it or give him suggestions, more often than not he just needs a sounding board.and as a sub guess what? your it! ;)
IMHO
Gandalf



Slipstreme -> RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "tough"? (8/15/2006 10:49:27 PM)

Apparently someone didn't read the whole post, or the one above that. :P

And I'm already in the shrinks chair as it is. I'm genderqueer.



SusanofO -> RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "tough"? (8/15/2006 10:55:58 PM)

Well, yes. I guess I should clarify what I mean, as the term "tough" is somewhat vague.

I get the impression that some Doms (not so much Dommes, but some of them, too) think that some submissives think that if they are not constantly "in control" of all of their emotions, then there is something drastically wrong with them.

Again, I am not referring to people who have anger-management issues or a__holes. I am talking about maybe just having a really "challenging" day. Like it would be wrong for them, or lower them in their submissive's eyes, to maybe talk about it and say things did not go very well.

I think this is utter nonsense, and I do think gandalf is right. Those who cannot do this may well end up needing therapy for that (or making others they live with need therapy because of that, he).

As for aftercare, yes, I do consider holding someone to be somewhat a show of vulnerability, not just "doing it" because a submissive might need it. I mean, many Dominants aren't just going to do things because a submissive might be the only one who needs it, right?

- Susan 



SusanofO -> RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "tough"? (8/15/2006 10:58:14 PM)

Nasty Daddy: So glad I could help! hehe. [:D]



Slipstreme -> RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "tough"? (8/15/2006 10:59:28 PM)

That is one thing I could never stop doing. I love holding and cuddling z. I call her my wolf plushie at times (we're furs).



SusanofO -> RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "tough"? (8/15/2006 11:01:03 PM)

I don't think I could deal with no cuddling, either. I think when that question arises on some threads: "What is the worst thing a Dom could doto a submissive?" Well, that's one of those things - at least for me it would be. Nice to know some Doms feel the same way. 

- Susan



Slipstreme -> RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "tough"? (8/15/2006 11:09:18 PM)

Ah, spend a day at a Fur Con, and you would realize that being cuddly is pretty much all what furry is about, so I'm not surprised I wouldn't let go of her when I was there.

She asked me a couple of times about whether or not when she moves here if she would sleep in the bed or the floor. I told her of course she would be sleeping in the bed, because I need my wolf plushie. :P

<End Thread Hijack

I think the question of being tough has more to do with someone's personal perceptions of what that means. With strangers, yes, I am tough. Life taught me I had to be, but once the defenses are down and I'm with my family, they deal with me, all of me. As far as the cuddly thing, yes I get cuddly and gentle with friends a lot earlier than feeling comfortable enough to break and cry in front of them. That, my family sees. I try so hard to keep the world from seeing it,  but I am not always successful.  

Unfortunately, this thread, as most, it seems, will be very subjective.



SusanofO -> RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "tough"? (8/15/2006 11:14:51 PM)

Yes, let's define the word "tough". That actually might make for a more interesting thread (really).

To me, tough means someone is willng to "go the distance" with someone else they claim they are committed to - and who doesn't just bail on them when something happens like they become, for instance, a quadraplegic, or they lose their job, or some similar "catastrophe" occurs within the context of their relationship. I have found, through personal experience, that you may never really know a person until you have seen them in truly challenging circumstances. 

Of course, to me, knowing who is truly "tough" this requires things like having a bit of emotional maturity, and being old enough to have had some maturing experiences, and also that dreaded phrase, having a "value system" . Much as I may have tried to rid myself of what I considered my "oppressive" one in my twenties, my dad kept telling me that (and he has a Ph. D.) that kids who are raised with them usually come back to them, even if they "stray" somewhat for a time. And I do appreciate having one to reference now and then.

- Susan



juliaoceania -> RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "tough"? (8/15/2006 11:19:42 PM)

Well I think part of any long term relationship is sharing your burdens with the one you care for. I have always wanted to be the port in the storm and a soft place to land for my One. I want to be a safe person for him. I definitely do not desire someone that thinks they must be strong for me 24-7 and never let his guard down, having to be tough for me because I may not be able to handle him not wearing his domly face. We are just who we are, there is no pretense, and he can be who he is. He can tell me his concerns and his feelings.. in fact he is rather open about these things.



popeye1250 -> RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "tough"? (8/15/2006 11:20:44 PM)

Yes, cuddling and aftercare is fun and not just after making love or having a scene either.
I liked cuddling up on the couch with my former sub and watching a movie or a program on t.v.
And, holding hands in public is nice too so that people know that she is "yours."
Nope, you don't have to be a "tough guy" to be a Dominant.
And Slipstream, glad you would let your sub sleep in the bed with you instead of on the floor! Much nicer!



SusanofO -> RE: Do Doms (and Dommes) ever get tired of being "tough"? (8/15/2006 11:21:17 PM)

I know - I want to be trusted enough for them to feel they can talk to me about what might be a problem for them as well. It would be kind of insulting not to be trusted that much, really.

- Susan



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