FirmhandKY
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mistoferin
Something that was said on the vegetarian thread got me thinking about what we expect from our partners in regards to their beliefs. Rather than hijack that thread with it I thought it would be more appropriate to start a new post.
It was said on the other thread that vegetarianism could not be a belief that was on the same level as religious or political beliefs. While I tend to agree that religious beliefs would generally be far greater for most people....I am not so sure about politics.
If the reasoning for the vegetarianism is one of ethics...that is often a very strong belief that generally has an emotional component to it. We all have many beliefs and decide within ourselves what we consider to be ethical. Through our lives we adopt our own code that we feel comfortable living by....the ethics that work for us.
My question is...do you feel that your partner needs to have the same code or if theirs differs do you feel that they have to realign theirs to sync with yours? Especially in the case of Dominants...do you feel that if your submissive/slave does not realign themselves to match yourself....do you see that as insubordinate or unsubmissive behavior?
For the most part, politics is a religion for a certain segment of the population.
I think also, for the most part veganism is a religion (if you define religion as a belief structure - which I do).
Some belief systems are compatible with differing systems. Some are not. And this is also dependent on the people involved in a relationship.
I have certain "core" beliefs that I'm not willing to "give up" in order to go along/get along, be it with my sub, or other people in my life. I am willing to remain silent or at least not attempt to cause hostility about them, however. The type of human being I wish to be my sub should not be willing to give up her beliefs either. Too doormattie for me.
Likewise, if someone of a different belief system wants to enter into a calm, rational (!) discussion about our differences, I've no problems with doing so. What I have a problem with is "true believers" who aren't open to understanding that not all beliefs are fact based, and that just because they believe something, doesn't make it true for me or others.
With a partner, I simply do not want to have that type of dissension. We can argue the fringes, and nuances, but I don't want to have the constant battle over core beliefs.
How can you move forward, if you are fighting to stay in the same place?
So, for me, one of the parameters for a partner is basic agreement about "the important" things in life. The degree of agreement is open, but the core is not.
I have had relationships with women who were dominant, who were of a different religion, who were of a different culture, and who didn't even speak English. None of those things were show-stoppers for us at the time.
I have certain things I look for in a person's belief structure that gives me hints about how compatible we might be. I can't see having a D/s relationship with someone who didn't pass those "tests", so the questions that you posed likely wouldn't come up for me (not saying never, however).
You specific questions:
do you feel that your partner needs to have the same code or if theirs differs do you feel that they have to realign theirs to sync with yours?
Yes, they need to have the same code. No, to try to realign their code to mine. I might discuss it, and see how they have formed their particular code and whether or not it is amenable to change, but most of the time I wouldn't have the interest in trying to change their code. Now, if you had asked me that question 20 years ago, you might have gotten a different answer.
Especially in the case of Dominants...do you feel that if your submissive/slave does not realign themselves to match yourself.... do you see that as insubordinate or unsubmissive behavior?
Generally no, but it depends. I don't expect them to change in their core beliefs. I think it's hubris on the dom's part to expect such realignment. But, again, it depends on the source of the sub's core, and how tight they hold to it, and the degree of openness to change.
Personally, I can discuss my core beliefs in detail: their genesis, examples and how it relates to just about any subject or incident in the world. How my core relates to my political and religious beliefs, and my outlook on personal responsibility and actions. I find that few people can do that to the same degree, and that often I can open someone's eyes to connections and causes of which they were not aware. That doesn't mean I'm always on a crusade to change people, but in the right circumstances I have been known to "take up the sword" and practice cut and slash on some people and beliefs that are antithetical to mine.
I can't see doing that with anyone who I have decided to enter into an intimate relationship with. Too distastful and draining.
If I had a sub with whom I had basic disagreements with on such core subjects, I might explore the remote possiblity of change, but I would not expect it, and would most likely be quickly searching for someone else.
One of the great attractions for me, of losttreasure, is that we have very, very, very few areas of disagreement in ANY core or non-core area (and yes, we are both very aware of the problems of mirroring, and made a substantial effort to avoid that problem).
FHky
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