bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (Full Version)

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SusanofO -> bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 3:36:08 AM)

I am wondering this because I've read many times on this board how some people think a bdsm relationship is more "honest" than others they've had. I can see where this might be true, because "roles" might be more concretely defined, and "expectations" are maybe clearly stated in advance, etc. - and this certainly isn't the case in many "vanilla" relationships, I imagine (although then again - maybe it is, I don't know).

I also seem to read many posts where someone has really almost destroyed someone else with their misbehavior within a bdsm relationship, and one person (or both), have been so completely emotionally vulnerable within it, that this has left them seemingly devastated (maybe because it is a bdsm relationship, where emotions can be laid more "bare" than in some others - least I think that potential is certainly there for that to happen, than in some "vanilla" relationships).

So - I am left thinking that  - simply because a bdsm relationship might contain more clearly defined roles, or more clearly stated expectations than a vanilla relationship, that if you're in one with someone who has "issues",  or perhaps is simply not seeking what another person might be looking for, that a relationship is not necessarily any more ill-fated, or likewise, suited for happiness, than any non-bdsm relationship.

Any thoughts?
Are bdsm relationships "healthier" simply because they might have the capacity to be more "honest", or does this matter if the people involved simply aren't "on the same page"?    

Thanks for the replies. 



ExSteelAgain -> RE: bdsm relationships are prone to neither more "dysfunction" or "health" (8/23/2006 3:40:45 AM)

Straight up. I think subs are more likely to be hurt  deeply in D/s relationships if they are abandoned in some way. It is their need, after all, that makes them want to be owned by the Dom. Yes, there is a danger in our relationships. Just another reason, subs should choose carefully.



SusanofO -> RE: bdsm relationships are prone to neither more "dysfunction" or "health" (8/23/2006 3:45:38 AM)

Thanks for the reply ExSteel. I think submissives can be more vulnerable in them, too. I realize Dominants are vulnerable as well, but maybe submissives moreso, due to what you stated.

- Susan 



bandit25 -> RE: bdsm relationships are prone to neither more "dysfunction" or "health" (8/23/2006 3:51:15 AM)

I'm not so sure if that's accurate...or maybe it's only one side.  Yes, I agree that subs should choose very carefully indeed and simply ignore those who do not have similar needs/wants/expectations/goals as they do; however, I have seen many, many doms destroyed by subs who ask to be released.  I think it, once again, depends upon the people involved in the relationship and the relationship itself. 

I don't know if d/s or bdsm relationships are more "honest" than vanilla ones...again, I think that depends upon those involved.  I've seen too many "doms of the week" or even "subs of the hour" to accept that generalization.




RavenMuse -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 3:59:28 AM)

For two folks who are vanilla, a vanilla relationship will be healthier than any D/s or BDSM relationship they attempt.

For a Dominant and a sub/slave, a D/s relationship will be healthier than trying to deny their nature and fit into some ill-chosen vanilla straightjacket.

Horses for courses. If you are somewhere you 'fit' then it is healthy, if you are trying to be something you are not, then it isn't. You can't say one is across the board 'healthier' because it depends in the people in it.



catize -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 4:02:43 AM)

I know some very vanilla people who have wonderful honest and loving relationships.  In truth, it is the two people involved that makes it a healthy or unhealthy one.
I believe the danger lies in our expectations.  Dominants and submissives are flawed human beings, no better, no worse. 



SusanofO -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 4:02:46 AM)

I don't think bdsm relationships are necessarily "healthier" than vanilla ones.

I think some people and bdsm folk may think they are, just because of the bdsm aspect, which somehow seems to them to insure the integrity of the relationship, which strikes me as ridiculous, because it takes no account of the individuality of the people involved, just their "roles", or the "life-style", or whatever they think about it contains the mysterious potion, that is going to insulate them from having to aknowledge there is a flesh and blood person to contend with, on the other end.

I am not trying to sound cynical - I'm not a cynic. It's just an assumption I've found extremely hard to swallow, whenever I've read anyone trying to espouse it. 

- Susan 



darkinshadows -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 4:10:58 AM)

I disagree entirely with that statement.
It isn't the nature of the relationship - it is the people within the relationship.
 
If you cannot be honest and open with your partner - it does not matter whether the relationship has elements of BDSM in it or not - it isn't healthy.  Period.
 
I know many happy, content and healthy non BDSM relationships.
In an ideal world, people wouldn't need to find a reason to justify their relationships.
They would just accept themselves and be true to themselves and their partners, no matter what is practised with it.
 
Peace and Rapture



SensualNSadistic -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 4:20:35 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: darkinshadows

I disagree entirely with that statement.
It isn't the nature of the relationship - it is the people within the relationship.
 
If you cannot be honest and open with your partner - it does not matter whether the relationship has elements of BDSM in it or not - it isn't healthy.  Period.
 
I know many happy, content and healthy non BDSM relationships.
In an ideal world, people wouldn't need to find a reason to justify their relationships.
They would just accept themselves and be true to themselves and their partners, no matter what is practised with it.
 
Peace and Rapture




AMEN.......its all right here, sort sweet, and simple.



RavenMuse -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 4:20:43 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO
I am not trying to sound cynical - I'm not a cynic. It's just an assumption I've found extremely hard to swallow, whenever I've read anyone trying to espouse it.


Most times I have seem similar PoV's to the title you used as 'subject to discuss', it has been quite obvious they have been talking entirely from a personal perspective.

There is a deal of diffrence between an attempt to claim that D/s relationships are inherently healthier than other kinds of relationships and stating that a D/s relationship is healthier FOR ME. The latter is something *I* can certainly apply to Myself.

I think the main problem here is people not being clear as to which one they actualy mean.



BrutalAntipathy -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 4:30:12 AM)

I think that honesty transcends relationships. It doesn't need any particular form of relationship in order to exist. As for one relationship being more ( or less ) healthy than another, I seriously doubt it. Many that are of a submissive nature may, and I stress the word may, be inclined to invest more emotion into a D/s relationship, but this does not mean that there are no vanillas that don't invest equal emotion into theirs.
 
Violation of trust can cause emotional crippling regardless of the form of the relationship. That a D/s relationship allows for  potential exploitation of trust in ways not manifested in other relationships might be posed as an argument that they are less healthy. But the person that violates trust can also be found in any relationship, so this too is a weak case.
 
People being individuals, it is safe to say that there are good and bad in any situation. D/s seems to have no more or less of these people in proportion, except for the ones who disagree with me, who are all evil incarnate.



princessrn -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 5:05:33 AM)

 i went to write some thing but as i got down the list to find the box to answer all the words i had to say had been put by  darkinshadows so my thoughts are  on this subject the same as darks.
i was in a vanilla relationship for 16 yrs it takes two people reading from the same page , shame we went out and got different books in the end lol



zenofeller -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 5:13:00 AM)

the most we could grant is that healthy bdsm relationships are healthier than unhealthy vanilla relationships.



jennylynn -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 5:19:11 AM)

All relationships have the capability to be healthy.  It takes honesty whether it is classified as Vanilla or D/s. 

In answering the question then, i must say NO i do not think D/s is any healthier than Vanilla .  It is the people within any relationship that makes it what it is.




Tikkiee -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 5:21:41 AM)

quote:

Are bdsm relationships "healthier" simply because they might have the capacity to be more "honest", or does this matter if the people involved simply aren't "on the same page"?    


Strong healthy relationships of ANY KIND, whether it be vanilla, or BDSM related; ALL the capacity for total honesty if the participants are willing to put into it what it needs to grow and stay strong.
Personally I am of the opinion that if a person can not have a strong, open, honest, long lasting VANILLA relationship, if they can not be honest, and open within it;  then they will fail at having one within the BDSM lifesyle. That's just my opinion though.



LotusSong -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 5:25:12 AM)

There ain't no safe hiding place.  If you are socially handicapped to begin with, don't expect anything to make things better other than yourself getting your own act together.



zenofeller -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 5:29:54 AM)

isn't it "socially differently abled" ?



spankmepink11 -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 5:47:41 AM)

 In my opinion, the dynamic of a relationship has nothing to do with the health of that relationship.  As others have posted, it is up to the  people involved , regardless of their orientation, to make a relationship healthy. 

I also feel that many  people, of all orientations, are more likely to  choose to stay in  unhealthy relationships rather than being alone.



WhipTheHip -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 6:06:12 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

I am wondering this because I've read many times on this board how some people think a bdsm relationship is more "honest" than others they've had. I can see where this might be true, because "roles" might be more concretely defined, and "expectations" are maybe clearly stated in advance, etc. - and this certainly isn't the case in many "vanilla" relationships, I imagine (although then again - maybe it is, I don't know).

I also seem to read many posts where someone has really almost destroyed someone else with their misbehavior within a bdsm relationship, and one person (or both), have been so completely emotionally vulnerable within it, that this has left them seemingly devastated (maybe because it is a bdsm relationship, where emotions can be laid more "bare" than in some others - least I think that potential is certainly there for that to happen, than in some "vanilla" relationships).

So - I am left thinking that  - simply because a bdsm relationship might contain more clearly defined roles, or more clearly stated expectations than a vanilla relationship, that if you're in one with someone who has "issues",  or perhaps is simply not seeking what another person might be looking for, that a relationship is not necessarily any more ill-fated, or likewise, suited for happiness, than any non-bdsm relationship.

Any thoughts?
Are bdsm relationships "healthier" simply because they might have the capacity to be more "honest", or does this matter if the people involved simply aren't "on the same page"?    

Thanks for the replies. 


All BDSM relationships are not healthier than all vanialla" relationships.  It is hard to know whether or not they are better on average.  BDSM relationships are usaully primarily built around sexual compatibility, other relationships are sometimes build around other things.  Vanilla relationshps are often built around honesty just like many bdsm relationships.



Lashra -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 6:11:47 AM)

I don't believe that one is healther over the other there are just too many variables. I think it boils down to the people involved and how they get along whether they be vanilla or not. Too many times I've heard BDSM relationships are deeper, more meaningful, more spiritual. I can't say that I believe that. Perhaps communication is better, or rather, it SHOULD be, but thats not always a given.

~Lashra and slutjack



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