RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (Full Version)

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Dartantris -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/24/2006 4:56:55 AM)

What's the definition of a healthy relationship? I would define it as a relationship where both parties trust and love each other and that their needs are being met by each other. Trust is gained through being honest and open over time. The needs can vary considerably from relationship to relationship and are unique to an individual. I don't see any relevance to the question of the relationship being "vanilla" or bdsm. Vanilla and bdsm get to the needs of the individuals in a relationship and you could not possibly define those needs under the classification of either. Just as the needs of any vanilla relationship may vary quite a bit from another vanilla relationship, the same applies to a bdsm relationship. Often, an unhealthy relationship can be more a result of poor communication than honesty or the nature of the relationship.  



Dartantris -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/24/2006 5:10:09 AM)

There may be something to bdsm relationships being healthier in that both parties have a bond in that they have needs that are not widely accepted by society. This fact, in and of itself, fosters trust and openness. If you've revealed these desires to another party, there is a greater level of trust from the start. However, this trust and openess may be a deception and leave one party more vunerable to  being hurt if they're in a relationship with someone who exploits the situation. You know, some people seem to have a need to hurt others to bolster their own low self-esteem. So it's a tricky situation where you need a greater level of honesty and trusts to initiate a bdsm relationship while also being more vulnerable. Balancing one's need to be open and honest while protecting oneself from being taken advantage of requires one to pay close attention in a bdsm relationship. 



thegunslinger -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/24/2006 5:31:18 AM)

It is a common misconception to have when first starting out in a BDSM relationship. If it hasn't already been said, I think part of it for some couples might stem from the 'alone' factor, in that they're trying something new and might not yet be part of a community, so it's a little "edgier" compared to vanilla couples around them. It can be a good relationship bonding experience, that's for sure.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/24/2006 6:41:49 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dartantris
There may be something to bdsm relationships being healthier in that both parties have a bond in that they have needs that are not widely accepted by society. This fact, in and of itself, fosters trust and openness.

No, it doesn't.  Stick around and watch some posts go by.

quote:

If you've revealed these desires to another party, there is a greater level of trust from the start. However, this trust and openess may be a deception and leave one party more vunerable to  being hurt if they're in a relationship with someone who exploits the situation. You know, some people seem to have a need to hurt others to bolster their own low self-esteem. So it's a tricky situation where you need a greater level of honesty and trusts to initiate a bdsm relationship while also being more vulnerable. Balancing one's need to be open and honest while protecting oneself from being taken advantage of requires one to pay close attention in a bdsm relationship. 

You don't need a "greater level of trust" to be honest about who you are- however it does take confidence to allow someone to know who you are.  This is true in bdsm as much as it is in vanilla.



yourMissTress -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/24/2006 6:43:31 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

For two folks who are vanilla, a vanilla relationship will be healthier than any D/s or BDSM relationship they attempt.

For a Dominant and a sub/slave, a D/s relationship will be healthier than trying to deny their nature and fit into some ill-chosen vanilla straightjacket.

Horses for courses. If you are somewhere you 'fit' then it is healthy, if you are trying to be something you are not, then it isn't. You can't say one is across the board 'healthier' because it depends in the people in it.


RavenMuse nailed it on the head.



yourMissTress -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/24/2006 6:54:19 AM)

And now that I've read the entire thread so have many others.  But I especially like the point that KOM made about honesty in a relationship coming from being in a relationship that is fulfilling to your nature.  What a great truth.  Only when we are honest with ourselves can we be honest with others.



CreoleCook -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/24/2006 4:21:10 PM)

now that I've read every one else's opinions, its time for my two cent opinions...

First and foremost, you speak of a vanilla relationship, versus a BDSM relationship... well, I guess we're talking about a vanilla based sexual relationship, and a BDSM relationship.  Since Domination and submission IS the relationship... and BDSM is just different ways to explore the intimacies within the D/s relationship.   now then, the original question was...Are BDSM relationships healthier than the intimacies shared between partners who don't explore this lifestyle?  I would say yes... BDSM is much healthier than vanilla based sexual or sensual exploration, because of the the communication and trust factors. 

Now if we are comparing a "vanilla" based loving relationship, versus a D/s based loving relationship, then you are comparing love to love... neither is healthier than the other.  its the health of the victims...err, partners involved which makes the difference.  they are both based on communication, trust, respect, honesty, etc.... I would say relationships based on D/s are more focused upon the individuals integrity, and thus, can be more intense than your run of the mill every day relationship... but then, I guess it is defined by the nature of the relationship in question.

Now let me throw out an interesting twist to this topic... There is no such thing as vanilla, when it comes to relationships... there is only open minds, and closed minds.  Which is healthier, when looked at it, thusly?


CC



SusanofO -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/24/2006 4:25:55 PM)

I appreciate your well thought out reply, Creole Cook. Thanks!

- Susan



ImpGrrl -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/26/2006 1:29:58 PM)

People are people are people.  And healthy human relationships are healthy human relationships - d/s or vanilla.



quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

I am wondering this because I've read many times on this board how some people think a bdsm relationship is more "honest" than others they've had. I can see where this might be true, because "roles" might be more concretely defined, and "expectations" are maybe clearly stated in advance, etc. - and this certainly isn't the case in many "vanilla" relationships, I imagine (although then again - maybe it is, I don't know).

I also seem to read many posts where someone has really almost destroyed someone else with their misbehavior within a bdsm relationship, and one person (or both), have been so completely emotionally vulnerable within it, that this has left them seemingly devastated (maybe because it is a bdsm relationship, where emotions can be laid more "bare" than in some others - least I think that potential is certainly there for that to happen, than in some "vanilla" relationships).

So - I am left thinking that  - simply because a bdsm relationship might contain more clearly defined roles, or more clearly stated expectations than a vanilla relationship, that if you're in one with someone who has "issues",  or perhaps is simply not seeking what another person might be looking for, that a relationship is not necessarily any more ill-fated, or likewise, suited for happiness, than any non-bdsm relationship.

Any thoughts?
Are bdsm relationships "healthier" simply because they might have the capacity to be more "honest", or does this matter if the people involved simply aren't "on the same page"?    

Thanks for the replies. 



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