RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (Full Version)

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popeye1250 -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 11:48:47 AM)

Mercnbeth, well said and again, Congratulations on your engagement!
I don't think B&D relationships are any "healthier" to mirror most of the above posts.
But I do think that if two people are compatable and open-minded and communicate well (There's that word *communicate* again!)that the relationship can be more intimate, closer, and more fullfilling than a vanilla relationship in many cases.
I know that in my case anyway a vanilla relationship could never (for me) be as close as a B&D relationship.
I'm looking for the extreme intimacy and closeness that this type of relationship can give two people.
For a sub that would at some point become my Collared slave and be Owned by me and for me to protect, care for and guide her and only her.
For the rest of our lives together.
That to me is a true symbiotic relationship.
There are many *unhealthy* relationships in the B&D community of course like all the married guys who are "posers" and only want to "play" or "cyber" but never meet.



Bearlee -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 12:11:21 PM)

 
Well said, Sir!  I would agree, too...that for me BECAUSE of the extreme intimacy and closeness a D/s relationship brings (BDSM not withstanding)...I'd imagine this kind of relationship would have to be healthier than others...at least for me.  I won't even consider going 'back'.
 
beverly



SusanofO -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 12:22:41 PM)

Thanks for all of the replies. I just got back to reading this thread, and it's been interesting. I appreciate the responses, folks.

- Susan 



Mercnbeth -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 12:25:52 PM)

Popeye,

THANKS for the well wishes!
quote:

if two people are compatible and open-minded and communicate well (There's that word *communicate* again!)that the relationship can be more intimate, closer, and more fulfilling than a vanilla relationship in many cases.


There is no disagreement on the communication aspect only in assigning the "more" qualifier. A person not knowing anything about the BDSM world entering into a marriage couldn't communicate they needed and sought a BDSM or D/s relationship. But they could say they wanted, or never wanted to make all relationship decisions, depending upon their need or discomfort level in dominating. When it came to physical encounters they could communicate that they never wanted or always wanted to be the person in the relationship initiating sexual contact. Or they could get into "details" saying they liked/needed to be spanked, liked their partner to "force" them to do things.

I wonder if any of those finding CM, discovering the activities discussed, and wanting to try them but their significant partner won't; communicated anything about the ongoing physical intimacy of the relationship they find themselves? You're right, it is communication, but without a total commitment to honesty it's just words not communication.

But most important - What time is it in you photo!?



popeye1250 -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 12:49:12 PM)

Mercnbeth, I think that that photo was taken on a saturday at about 6 pm! lol
It's about 5-6 years old.



SalemWiK -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 12:49:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

I am wondering this because I've read many times on this board how some people think a bdsm relationship is more "honest" than others they've had. I can see where this might be true, because "roles" might be more concretely defined, and "expectations" are maybe clearly stated in advance, etc. - and this certainly isn't the case in many "vanilla" relationships, I imagine (although then again - maybe it is, I don't know).

I also seem to read many posts where someone has really almost destroyed someone else with their misbehavior within a bdsm relationship, and one person (or both), have been so completely emotionally vulnerable within it, that this has left them seemingly devastated (maybe because it is a bdsm relationship, where emotions can be laid more "bare" than in some others - least I think that potential is certainly there for that to happen, than in some "vanilla" relationships).

So - I am left thinking that  - simply because a bdsm relationship might contain more clearly defined roles, or more clearly stated expectations than a vanilla relationship, that if you're in one with someone who has "issues",  or perhaps is simply not seeking what another person might be looking for, that a relationship is not necessarily any more ill-fated, or likewise, suited for happiness, than any non-bdsm relationship.

Any thoughts?
Are bdsm relationships "healthier" simply because they might have the capacity to be more "honest", or does this matter if the people involved simply aren't "on the same page"?    

Thanks for the replies. 


I don't know about BDSM being healthier, I know many inhibitions are gone, but I can attest through experiance about polyamory. I've *never* had a Girlfriend in a poly relationship leave me for someone else, hell I'm still friends with most of them, but all but one (Read it: ONE.) young woman has not cheated on me in a monogamous relationship. 

Sure, there are plenty of assholes on this site who use poly as an excuse to whore themselves out, but I've still never had a poly girl dump me for someone else so I look for a poly relationship. Though I got to say I'm getting sick of all the "Well, you're cute, but you're just another poly-asshole so I can't attempt a relationship with you!" messages I've been getting.



SusanofO -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 12:51:50 PM)

Thanks for the reply. Interesting comment about the Poly relationships; thanks for mentioning this. And good luck to you.

- Susan 



Kree -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 2:17:08 PM)

I think there is one word missing from this thread.  If someone has used it or expressed it, I did not see it.
The word is "potential".  Every relationship, regardless of lifestyle, has the potential to succeed.  We do not have or share anything that a vanilla relationship can not have or share.  Vanilla relationships have the same potential for success that we have.  The idea that BDSM or D/s has some magic quality that we can hide from the world makes little sense.  The idea that we are more honest or better communicators makes little sense.  What does make sense is that people in any lifestyle that work on a relationship together have the potential to make the relationship grow, survive, and succeed by offering each other open and honest communication.  There is no BDSM "Truth Fairy", regardless of how emotionally and aesthetically pleasing that idea might be.  People create and foster  relationships.  People crush and destroy relationships.  The entire question is whether those people choose one path or the other.  



SusanofO -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 2:18:11 PM)

Excellent point, Kree. Just excellent!

- Susan



ghosttraks -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 6:13:35 PM)

We can intelectualize all day or for months on end.

Until you experience real life.... you will never really know.

Sorry to be blunt.



SusanofO -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 6:14:54 PM)

Are you talking to me, ghosttraks?
Because I have experienced "real life".
The past year has been just a little too real for me, as a matter of fact, so I am not seeking a relationship until I feel I can put my whole and healed self into one, which could be a month or two from now - maybe less, maybe more, depends on how my greif counselling goes, and how some other things go. I apologize if I took your remark personally, I was not certain it was directed at me. I wasn't sure what it referred to, to be honest. But in any case, thanks for responding to the thread. 

- Susan



ghosttraks -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 6:49:30 PM)

I am sorry if you took offense, Susan. It was meant for you, yes and I am sorry that it hurt you in any way.[&o]

I don't write much, but see your posts. You seem like such a sweet,  nice, beautiful woman but one who is sensitive. I am sensitive too. I too have been badly hurt.

It is just that I read and read and belonged to groups online before I got into it, that I was more vunerable in a way. Lost my sense.

Lost my senses in the way, it was like not real life man and woman. I took his word. Gave too fast.

It hurt for a long time. Mostly- just care, you'd be hurt, and so sad to hear you were hurt before too. Smart to wait until things get right though. Faith... truly.



SusanofO -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 6:59:58 PM)

Thank you, ghost-traks. I am sorry you were hurt. I wasn't exactly hurt, my husband died in February, of bone cancer.

We actually had a sexless, pretty rotten marriage, but I still miss the parts of him that were good, and also the good times we did have together when we first met, and were first married. I had a Dominant for a year, when I was married, and was planning on getting a divorce, but then my husband got sick. Lots of people here have already heard this long and boring story, so I won't dwell on it. I do allude to it in my profile, but way at the end.

Just thought I'd fill you in, so you wouldn't think a Dominant had abused me before. Actually, the one Dominant I've had in real life was great, but he is with someone else now, because I broke off the relationship after a year, due to feeling guilty about it (because I was still married when I saw him). But, I've had no bad experiences (so far) with Dominants in a relationship. I've gotten weird e-mail before, from CM members, but that happens to everyone, from what I hear LOL![:D]

Good luck to you, too. Glad you responded to the thread.

- Susan    



ghosttraks -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 7:12:51 PM)

Thank you, Susan. Did not know of your loss. Very sad.

Your good spirit will find life and love again. Do know it!

I romantisiced the lifestyle. Thought too much of being a slave. Was taken advantage of. I still fear, my new true Alpha is far, but in my heart and I his.

You seem soft and gentle too. I fear your openness will get you hurt. Maybe I am projecting my own fear identifying with you. It is my problem. Actually, TY. You are teaching me.

You do seem to have lots of good sense and got help, good for you!
Wishes of ..... your dreams



KnightofMists -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 7:49:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

I am wondering this because I've read many times on this board how some people think a bdsm relationship is more "honest" than others they've had. I can see where this might be true, because "roles" might be more concretely defined, and "expectations" are maybe clearly stated in advance, etc. - and this certainly isn't the case in many "vanilla" relationships, I imagine (although then again - maybe it is, I don't know).


It is not surprizing that some consider the BDSM relationship to be more honest.  It may indeed because their roles are more defined.  However, I think it is also very possible that we have individuals that were living basically Mainstream style relationships that was unfulfilling for them.  They basically were hiding what they wanted and needed in their relatiaonships and settling for less.  Not that living a Mainstream lifestyle is less... but that particular lifestyle is less that what they needed.  In essense, the lack of honest in living a Mainstream relationship was not with relationship or their partner.  But, it was a lack of honest with themselves on what they needed and wanted in a relationship.  Interestingly,when such people start to live the relationship style that is intrinsically fulfilling to their natures they find it to be more honest.  It can be equally said that person attempting to live a Kinky Lifestyle could find a mainstream lifestyle to be much more honest for them if they not being honest to themselves in attempting to live a kinky lifestyle.

I believe we find honesty first within ourselves.  Until we are able to be honest with oneself... we are not going to be honest within our relationships.



KnightofMists -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 7:50:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

For two folks who are vanilla, a vanilla relationship will be healthier than any D/s or BDSM relationship they attempt.

For a Dominant and a sub/slave, a D/s relationship will be healthier than trying to deny their nature and fit into some ill-chosen vanilla straightjacket.

Horses for courses. If you are somewhere you 'fit' then it is healthy, if you are trying to be something you are not, then it isn't. You can't say one is across the board 'healthier' because it depends in the people in it.


well said



popeye1250 -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/23/2006 7:57:48 PM)

Raven, as Knight said, very well put.



SusanofO -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/24/2006 1:16:14 AM)

ghosttraks: Thank you. I wish the best for you, too.

KOM: Your response was intelligent and well-stated (as usual). Thanks for writing in.

- Susan



porcelaine -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/24/2006 4:31:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

So - I am left thinking that  - simply because a bdsm relationship might contain more clearly defined roles, or more clearly stated expectations than a vanilla relationship, that if you're in one with someone who has "issues",  or perhaps is simply not seeking what another person might be looking for, that a relationship is not necessarily any more ill-fated, or likewise, suited for happiness, than any non-bdsm relationship.

Any thoughts?
Are bdsm relationships "healthier" simply because they might have the capacity to be more "honest", or does this matter if the people involved simply aren't "on the same page"?    



A relationship can only be as healthy as its inhabitants. Whether it is D/s or some other orientation doesn't matter. Being on the same page is subjective because it really depends on where they differ. If the issues are significant it can have an adverse effect on the relationship in the long run if both aren't committed to finding a happy medium to work from.

I think the nature of partnerships involving a power exchange can amplify the usual emotions one would find when paired. Having said this, it only stands to reason that a positive experience will be viewed as greater than the norm, as would something less appealing. When one considers the implied elements of honesty and trust that are hallmarks of these exchanges, you can clearly see why they can be disasters in the making if both people aren't approaching them from a complimentary mindset.

porcelaine



LeatherBentOne -> RE: bdsm relationships are "healthier" than "vanilla" (8/24/2006 4:56:01 AM)

I disagree that subs/slaves are more vulnerable than Dom/Dommes or Masters.  We just don't show our vulnerability in the same way.  That doesn't mean we don't have emotions of the same intensity especially when a relationship goes awry or ends for one reason or another.  Don't kid yourself, we're just as human as anyone else.

LeatherBentOne



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