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The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 5:39:26 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I have to get this out of my system. 

There have been so many threads lately about whether people should work or marry or how they should take care of each other during illness.  When did the lifestyle become an excuse not to live as a *real* person?  The lifestyle does not define me in my entirety.  I am many things...sub, mom, daughter, sister, employee, responsible adult.  Can people live without living for the lifestyle?  It seems to me that many are not capable of this.  Yes, the lifestyle is important to me, but I also like being *real*, not living every moment for the lifestyle.

Comments?  Reactions?


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein
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RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 5:45:16 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I completely and totally agree with you, Katy. I don't have a "life-style". I have a life. 
I think I've never heard anyone truly define, bottom-line, what is generally meant by living the "bdsm life-style".  
 
Does it mean they have a submissive, or a Domme, or a Master? Does it mean they identify as D or s in a D/s relationship? Does it mean they know how to take a good, hard flogging because it pleases their Master, every night if necessary? Does it mean they are "completely serious" in their quest to shape their submissive to their liking?

If so, I think it still doesn't take up 24 hours of someone's day. And, I am guessing their partipation in bdsm activities still haven't re-wired thier brain circuitry to the point that they are incapable or breathing, or making a decision on their own, or using their own judgment alone, without "guidance" -  if necessary. Or that it's made them incapable of not only taking other's opinions into consideration when making decisions, but letting them make their own.

So - just what does it mean?

Tuesday night, I auditoned for my local symphony's chorus. If there were some would be Master or Dominant out there who would prohibit me from singing in it, because it was somehow deemed "unacceptable" by them, for me to participate, knowing how much it means to me and my life (vs. my bdsm "life-style" as a "submissive"), then I believe they'd be seeing me more as a label than as a person (or it's possible, I suppose, that they might have "needs" I'd misunderstood). In any case, he would be Not the man for me.
I am flexible, just not a complete automaton robot.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/25/2006 6:40:48 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to KatyLied)
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RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 6:04:35 AM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Katy, good point!
I just happen to be a Dominant who enjoys this lifestyle very much.
But, I also have many other things that I enjoy and I don't let them define who I am either.
I think most people on here would agree with you on this!
B&D doesn't "define" my life or who I am it "enhances" my life.
That's how I look at it anyway.

(in reply to KatyLied)
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RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 6:11:53 AM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Susan, Good Girl!
Don't take any shit from Anyone!

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RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 6:15:24 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Well, I am just trying to figure out what the word "life-style" means in this context. I think that, once again, people are going to base their definition on what individually works for them. Which makes it even more ironic to me, that some identify it as a collective term: "life-style", as if one size fits all. Or should. Must be some sociological phemoenon at work when this happens, or something.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/25/2006 7:03:26 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to popeye1250)
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RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 6:21:11 AM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Susan, people who are into Harley Davidsons call that a "Lifestyle" too.
Same thing I guess, like which ones are "more" into it.
Where I live a lot of people are into the "Beach Lifestyle" or the "Golf Lifestyle."
Maybe it's just a tagline kind of thing.
P.S. if anyone ever tries to tell you that they don't want you singing, tell them to go shit in their hat!

< Message edited by popeye1250 -- 8/25/2006 6:23:14 AM >

(in reply to SusanofO)
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RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 6:23:50 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		popeye: That would be fine with me, but then there are the "heated discussions" people have re: Who is "more authentic", sometimes seeming to lead to a collective need for a definition of what is the median, in terms of "acceptable".

From, many times probably, the same people who may have sought out bdsm originally, specifically because it suited their "need for individuality". Ironic - is it not? Maybe there isn't a way to completely avoid this (I tend to think) sociological process - but it could at least be recognized for what it is.

- Susan 

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/25/2006 6:39:32 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 6:25:13 AM   
sapphirepleasure


Posts: 411
Joined: 4/27/2006
From: Land of Enchantment
Status: offline 		After I first met and had my first play session ever with the man who became my training Master, we began exchanging emails in which he would give me very valuable nuggets of truth about the lifestyle to which I was so new (at least on the sub/slave side of things). 

One thing that he pointed out was how, even when you are not with your dom 24/7, your relationship with him begins to 'inform' so much of what you do and think.  For me, I was constantly pondering the new concepts he was teaching me, and I began to become more and more aware of how my actions could affect or reflect on him.  And he made rules that reminded me of his control over me and my openness to him at all times.  For instance, I was never to cross my legs (even when he was not physically present with me) so I would remain open and available to him at all times, even in his mind.  So each time I would automatically begin to cross my legs, and then have to stop myself, I would think of him and get a rush from that connection with him.

I continued to be a professor and do all the day-to-day things in my life, but more and more, I began to see myself as 'his slave', and everything I did as a way of serving him.  So I still had 'a life' of course, but my identity shifted subtly but authentically to who I was to Him.

(in reply to KatyLied)
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RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 6:26:18 AM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Yes, I find that funny too!
A lot of the Goreans and "Old Guard" who think that unless you do it, "their way" you're not a "real" B&D person.
I'd tell them to go shit in their hats too.

(in reply to SusanofO)
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RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 6:30:01 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

I have to get this out of my system. 

There have been so many threads lately about whether people should work or marry or how they should take care of each other during illness.  When did the lifestyle become an excuse not to live as a *real* person?  The lifestyle does not define me in my entirety.  I am many things...sub, mom, daughter, sister, employee, responsible adult.  Can people live without living for the lifestyle?  It seems to me that many are not capable of this.  Yes, the lifestyle is important to me, but I also like being *real*, not living every moment for the lifestyle.

Comments?  Reactions?



Living life is just that.......there are twists, turns difficulties in everyone's lives, no matter how they've chosen to live it. 

I view having an M/s relationship as a CHOSEN and preferable way of living......not as some rarified activity that may start and stop depending on what's happening at the time.

When someone you care for is sick.........life WILL be different...I can't quite see how the *lifestyle* even enters into it.

In fact, I often can't see where *having a certain way of relating* enters into a lot of things. If it can't ebb and flow and take life itself into account, there's something a little amiss. It seems so bloody unnecessarily dramatic at times.

I didn't breast-beat about being a wife......why should I about being a slave?

Regards, agirl











(in reply to KatyLied)
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RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 6:34:11 AM   
Viper001


Posts: 55
Joined: 8/8/2005
From: SF, California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

When did the lifestyle become an excuse not to live as a *real* person? The lifestyle does not define me in my entirety. I am many things...sub, mom, daughter, sister, employee, responsible adult. Can people live without living for the lifestyle? It seems to me that many are not capable of this. Yes, the lifestyle is important to me, but I also like being *real*, not living every moment for the lifestyle.

Comments? Reactions?



There is another way of viewing this. Some of us don't just live for the lifestyle. Who we are, as defined by the "lifestyle", influences our lives in many aspects regardless of whether we want it to or not. I'm confused as to why this makes us less *real*.
I can't speak for others, but have long known that we (my wife and I) tend to gravitate to, and attract, friends with similar "lifestyle" interests. But these same friends will join us in a trip to Disneyland, the beach, dinner/dancing, etc., just for chits and giggles. Conversely, the base PE dynamic prevails, even during such a trip. It's not intentional. It just is.

Thought #2: for those of us in 24/7 TPE relationships, the dynamic is primarily between the partners - and it's not always something we can turn on/off at will, sometimes it's just a natural part of who we are in the relationship. In most other aspects of our daily lives, especially with others, we are just as "real" as anyone else.

Thought #3: you might be very correct. Some of us (raises hand) are not capable of sustaining a relationship without *some* element of BD/SM involved. My wife's most frequent request: <May i please go "home" for a while? I'm feeling lost and need to serve.> Translation - we need to get away from the kids for a while so i can be myself, your slave, or i'll go nuts.
Makes one wonder which is the "real" person. The wife, the mother, or the submissive/slave.

Respectfully,
RFJM
<who blames the Vicodin if this post seems somewhat incoherent, hehe>


(in reply to KatyLied)
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RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 6:39:16 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

Well, I am just trying to figure out what the word "life-style" means in this context. I think that, once again, people are going to base their definition on what individually works for them. Which makes it even more ironic to me, that some identify it as a collective term "life-style", as if one size fits all. Or should. Must be some sociological phemoenon at work when this happens, or something.

- Susan


I haven't ever worked out quite what *the lifestyle* is....not in relation to my own life, for sure.

But does each person that is a *wife* or *husband* try to define themselves by that term?.........I don't think so. You make a commitment to BE a wife or husband, hopefully know what it entails, between the pair of you ............ and then get on with it and make your life together whatever you wish it to be..... What's so different about M/s, D/s etc?..lol

agirl


(in reply to SusanofO)
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RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 6:41:42 AM   
Viper001


Posts: 55
Joined: 8/8/2005
From: SF, California
Status: offline
quote:

Tuesday night, I auditoned for my local symphony's chorus. If there were some would be Master or Dominant out there who would prohibit me from singing in it, because it was somehow deemed "unacceptable" by them, for me to participate, knowing how much it means to me and my life (vs. my bdsm "life-style" as a "submissive"),


Preventing someone from being fullfilled without a better reason than "unacceptable to me" seems rather counterproductive (if not outright destructive). Just a thought.

Respectfully,
RFJM

(in reply to popeye1250)
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RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 6:42:37 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		agirl: You are so right. Like Shakespeare said: "A rose, by any other name, would surely smell as sweet."

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to agirl)
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RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 6:43:55 AM   
Viper001


Posts: 55
Joined: 8/8/2005
From: SF, California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: popeye1250

Yes, I find that funny too!
A lot of the Goreans and "Old Guard" who think that unless you do it, "their way" you're not a "real" B&D person.
I'd tell them to go shit in their hats too.


Quietly hands Mr Popeye an umbrella 'cause there's sure to be an overflow of scat.

(in reply to popeye1250)
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RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 6:46:37 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Viper001: I completely agree. Nobody's asked me to stop singing. But I have heard some Master'say that simply demanding it would "make it so". This is true, if you are their slave. I keep hearing some say that is why it is so important to choose a Master very carefully. In any case, unless someone cuts out my tongue, I do not plan to stop singing. Thanks for caring enough to comment about it, though.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/25/2006 6:48:27 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Viper001)
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RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 6:48:27 AM   
MzTlaz


Posts: 140
Joined: 8/8/2006
Status: offline 		I think agirl makes a good point....when someone is ill this is a great time to redefine.  You have to look at what is most important...adhering to your Lifestyle rules or tossing them out the window to take care of the sick person if the situation requires it.

I'm a person first and foremost, a human being and the people around me are that too.  The Lifestyle influences the way I think but it does not take away my humanity.  I hope the Lifestyle makes me a better person, more open and understanding of others whatever Lifestyle they choose to live for themselves.

(in reply to agirl)
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RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 6:48:31 AM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Shaekspeare also wrote a play entitled, "Much Ado About Nothing." (I've been at his grave in Stratford on Avon once)
I wonder if that's what that Seinfeld show about "Nothing" was modeled after?

(in reply to SusanofO)
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RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 6:58:34 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

Viper001: I completely agree. Nobody's asked me to stop singing. But I have heard some Master'say that simply demanding it would "make it so". This is true, if you are their slave. I keep hearing some say that is why it is so important to choose a Master very carefully. In any case, unless someone cuts out my tongue, I do not plan to stop singing. Thanks for caring enough to comment about it, though.

- Susan


Frankly, Susan, this is the type of stupidity that happens when you START a relationship  BY defining yourselves as Master/slave etc.....and looking at each other AS those things instead of as people.

If you just get to know people as potential *friends* and *cool person to know* .....those things really are not an issue at all.

Masters are people.....that's all. The dynamic of *being a sub/slave* TO that person wouldn't even happen if you didn't get along as people and share a similar outlook on LIFE.

You don't go marrying someone just because they are *husband material* ....lol

Regards, agirl




< Message edited by agirl -- 8/25/2006 7:00:01 AM >

(in reply to SusanofO)
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RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 6:58:37 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		 popeye: Could be! Ha!

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 20
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