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RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 8:15:32 AM

MissTlTTYMilk

Posts: 142
Joined: 6/17/2006
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Perhaps, it is called a "lifestyle" because it is a style of life.

According to Wikipedia the word lifestyle is in part defined as the following:

In sociology, a lifestyle is the way a person (or a group) lives. This includes patterns of social relations, consumption, entertainment, and dress. A lifestyle typically also reflects an individual's attitudes, values or worldview.
Having a specific "lifestyle" implies a conscious or unconscious choice between one set of behaviours and some other sets of behaviours.

According to The New Lexicon Webster Dictionary, "lifestyle" is a method of achieving feeling of adequacy and status used during growth as conceived by a Austrian Psychiatrist, Alfred Adler. 2) the way in which the individual lives, e.g., as to dress, habits, friendships, values, etc.

Since a small child, i had preferences and fantasies long before knowing what these preferences were called so i guess an arguement can be raised whether it was nature or nurture. Of course, decisions are inevitable in life, but i did not wake up one day and say let me try this...i never was interested in a vanilla-type marriage. Though oddly, i do view a D/s relationship as more traditional. People may not agree but that are what boards and opinions are for... For me, it was something that i found on my own throughout the process of my life...My upbringing and surroundings are rather conservative and my "lifestyle" would be highly frowned upon, condemed, etc., in my community. I dont know if "lifestyle" is or isnt the right word but lack of better word....so be it. It was not something i was trained to do or exposed to growing up or as a young adult. To each his own....everyone will have his or her way to view and lived out their life. It is part of who i am but i am not defined as one role. As far as working or staying home that is highly individualized to the couple's resources, needs, ideals, desires, goals, etc.

< Message edited by MissTlTTYMilk -- 8/25/2006 8:19:22 AM >

_____________________________

"I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. "
"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts. "
--Bertrand Russell

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 41

RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 8:37:12 AM

MrDiscipline44

Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

I have to get this out of my system.

There have been so many threads lately about whether people should work or marry or how they should take care of each other during illness. When did the lifestyle become an excuse not to live as a *real* person? The lifestyle does not define me in my entirety. I am many things...sub, mom, daughter, sister, employee, responsible adult. Can people live without living for the lifestyle? It seems to me that many are not capable of this. Yes, the lifestyle is important to me, but I also like being *real*, not living every moment for the lifestyle.

Comments? Reactions?

I think this is very well said, katy. I really can't see anything else to add.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 42

RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 8:44:40 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

I think (?) that Katy was really describing the fact that some people seem to lose all objectivity.

Yes, exactly. That is what I want to discuss here.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 43

RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 8:46:20 AM

Homestead

Posts: 1005
Status: offline

Enhancements seldom work as replacements.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 44

RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 8:48:33 AM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

I think this is another question of semantics and/or personal interpretation.

is it a lifestyle or a relationship style? You get a million different answers and none of them are wrong.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 45

RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 8:49:52 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

Julia -

No, please don't take this personal. I'm talking more about what's been said in those threads. They are good topics. I guess I have trouble wrapping my mind around certain things. Like what people think the lifestyle is an excuse not to take care of an ill partner. To me some of these issues transcend (are bigger) than lifestyle choice. They speak to how people treat each other, in general. And I think that many things are bigger than the lifestyle.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 46

RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 9:05:30 AM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

I havent read the entire thread answers before answering - which is different for me - so apologising if I am just repeating.

I dislike the term 'lifestyle'. I am who I am because of what I am, not some set of 'must obey 'rules others have placed out. If someone asks me 'what' I am. I say I am .dark. Because that is exactly who I am. Everything I do is within my person, not defined by others. I don't live for any 'lifestyle' - I live for my dominant, my children and myself and enjoy every damn moment - good and bad.

Peace and Rapture

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 47

RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 9:08:05 AM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

Viper001: I completely agree. Nobody's asked me to stop singing. But I have heard some Master'say that simply demanding it would "make it so". This is true, if you are their slave. I keep hearing some say that is why it is so important to choose a Master very carefully. In any case, unless someone cuts out my tongue, I do not plan to stop singing. Thanks for caring enough to comment about it, though.

- Susan

Frankly, Susan, this is the type of stupidity that happens when you START a relationship BY defining yourselves as Master/slave etc.....and looking at each other AS those things instead of as people.

If you just get to know people as potential *friends* and *cool person to know* .....those things really are not an issue at all.

Masters are people.....that's all. The dynamic of *being a sub/slave* TO that person wouldn't even happen if you didn't get along as people and share a similar outlook on LIFE.

You don't go marrying someone just because they are *husband material* ....lol

Regards, agirl

Peace and Rapture

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 48

RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 9:17:49 AM

pissdoll

Posts: 343
Joined: 5/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

And I think that many things are bigger than the lifestyle.

i think this has more to do with "lifestyle" and less to do with lifestyle (semantics semantics semantics).

i think many people who are out in the open about themselves are lovely.....HOWEVER, as in any other group, there are people in the open who are very vocal in an attention-whore sense for no other reason than they desperately need to be seen and heard. for them nothing is bigger than the "lifestyle" because they need that attention to function, for whatever reason.

i honestly believe that the majority of people who have bdsm, d/s, blah blah blah style relationships are living very quiet lives in their homes with their windows shut and their drapes closed. we will never meet them or hear anything about them. they know who they are, they know what works for them, and live a very comfortable existence.

i personally don't use the term lifestyle or "lifestyle" because i don't believe that just because i like to be hurt and another woman likes to be hurt, we automatically have a connection. as it has been stated quite well from people in this thread before me, we all have our very own ideas of who we are and what works for us, and what certain things mean in general.

LOL and now i'm rambling and not even sure where my point was headed...but there ya go. it's friday.

(edited because i really can't spell today...again...friday!!!)

< Message edited by pissdoll -- 8/25/2006 9:20:28 AM >

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 49

RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 9:18:43 AM

kitty2MLoneWolf

Posts: 149
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline

Fast Reply to no one in particular:

One of the things I used to complain about is the fact that once I was known as a sub/domme/switch, no one wanted to just go on a date anymore. Every encounter had to be about a scene, either doing one, preparing one, going to one, talking about one.. etc ad nauseum..... I just stopped being a person. It was kind of sad really.

Yes I know that I most likely encouraged that by seeing those who were like this, but dating a vanilla guy just left me feeling like I had been out with my brother. Do we as a "lifestyle" truly believe that all ventures in the courtship period have to revolve upon finding out if we are compatible D/s partners? I dont know... I am just venting... for me it is now a moot point I guess since I have found an owner I wish to serve. But the question still remains for others.

_____________________________

used to be jessieme but I got a life <grin>

Dont worry about what other people think....they dont do it very often!

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 50

RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 9:29:15 AM

pissdoll

Posts: 343
Joined: 5/25/2005
Status: offline

mm, this is exactly why i am single.

YES, i am a slave and that will always be a part of who i am.
i am also a scientist; i am also a student. i love baseball, hiking, foreign films and comic books.

dominant men can't seem to meet the need of an intellectual companion, or someone to do fun things with. every hike has to end with me being tied to a tree (hey, don't get me wrong...i LOVE that, but again, sometimes JUST hiking to the top of a mountain and having a picnic lunch is a good time).

and as you said with the brother comment, those men who i go to dinner with, or a baseball game or any number of other things, i just don't feel attracted to.

so the trick is to find someone who can be both for me. should be so easy...but it's not.

(edited...still can't type today LOL)

< Message edited by pissdoll -- 8/25/2006 9:47:05 AM >

(in reply to kitty2MLoneWolf)

Post #: 51

RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 9:31:47 AM

Owned1

Posts: 847
Joined: 7/6/2005
From: Toronto, Ontario
Status: offline

"My wife's most frequent request: <May i please go "home" for a while? I'm feeling lost and need to serve.> Translation - we need to get away from the kids for a while so i can be myself, your slave, or i'll go nuts.

Makes one wonder which is the "real" person. The wife, the mother, or the submissive/slave."

Viper001, this was a very touching sentence to read. This I feel captures the process of 24/7 and real life very eloquently.

We are many people who wear many hats, however some of those hats are worn to enable us the part of our life that is the one we desire, want and need.

For me I could not live without BDSM, D/s and M/s. Ok so maybe I am greedy but I want it all. I do understand life does get in the way at times but the underlying tone is always M/s I know who He is and where I fit in our life. Fortunatly He never lets me forget that.

Owned

_____________________________

~~in His Chains i am free~~

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 52

RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 9:45:17 AM

Homestead

Posts: 1005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pissdoll

mm, this is exactly why i am single.

YES, i am a slave and that will always be a part of who i am.
i am also a scientist; i am also a student. i love baseball, hiking, foreign films and comic books.

dominant men can't seem to meet the need of an intellectual companian, or someone to do fun things with. every hike has to end with me being tied to a tree (hey, don't get me wrong...i LOVE that, but again, sometimes JUST hiking to the top of a mountain and having a picnic lunch is a good time).

and as you said with the brother comment, those men who i go to dinner with, or a baseball game or any number of other things, i just don't feel attracted to.

so the trick is to find someone who can be both for me. should be so easy...but it's not.

That seems to be the same problem I have.

There are MANY more passions than the merely physical.

(in reply to pissdoll)

Post #: 53

RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 9:45:21 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Owned1

"My wife's most frequent request: <May i please go "home" for a while? I'm feeling lost and need to serve.> Translation - we need to get away from the kids for a while so i can be myself, your slave, or i'll go nuts.
Makes one wonder which is the "real" person. The wife, the mother, or the submissive/slave."

Viper001, this was a very touching sentence to read. This I feel captures the process of 24/7 and real life very eloquently.

We are many people who wear many hats, however some of those hats are worn to enable us the part of our life that is the one we desire, want and need.

For me I could not live without BDSM, D/s and M/s. Ok so maybe I am greedy but I want it all. I do understand life does get in the way at times but the underlying tone is always M/s I know who He is and where I fit in our life. Fortunatly He never lets me forget that.

Owned

If you *can't live without it*..what happens if you HAVE to live without it.....and what does *without it* mean, exactly?

(in reply to Owned1)

Post #: 54

RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 9:49:44 AM

MistressMelissa

Posts: 226
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline

There have been many interesting points made in this thread. Much of them are a function of ones own perspective. My girl Phoenix has in her signature line "Lifestyle is not what I do, but how I live". For many this lifestyle is defined by what it is we do. For others it is a logical extension of our personalities. So while some might look upon the "play time" as being the lifestyle, others may view the personal dynamics the lifestyle. Kink or play is but a generous 4% of our lives. It's what we do with the remaining 96% that marks it a lifestyle. It's the everyday activities of how one sits, or how a little one acts with deference to their owner or an owner ensuring the welfare of their little one, that makes this a lifestyle. Much of this we do without much thought. Other times we have to make a conscious choice to modify or change our own behavior to improve upon ourselves. So while washing a dish might be vanilla, washing my dishes as a service to me is not. It's ones motivation and not their actions that create the "Lifestyle".

Ds is not what I do but how I live. Just something to ponder.

_____________________________

Melissa
Mistress of Ds Haven
www.dshaven.com

The person who says it can not be done, should not interrupt the person doing it. - Ancient Wisdom

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 55

RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 9:55:55 AM

happypervert

Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline

quote:

Perhaps, it is called a "lifestyle" because it is a style of life.

And perhaps it is a lifestyle for a handful of people who have it as the primary obsession in their life; otherwise it is a rather useless term that folks toss around that implies a single minded focus on it so they can be taken seriously.

But if that is such a useful description it would be equally informative for me to walk around and say I have a college football lifestyle (go Penn State!), a cycling lifestyle, a cat lifestyle, an engineering lifestyle, a beer drinking lifestyle, a home handyman lifestyle, a tv watching lifestyle, and a being-a-pain-in-the-ass-on-message-boards lifestyle in addition to my kinky lifestyle. It could all be true, but that list is really just a subset of things I like in my life.

< Message edited by happypervert -- 8/25/2006 10:04:09 AM >

(in reply to MissTlTTYMilk)

Post #: 56

RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 10:02:17 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kitty2MLoneWolf

Fast Reply to no one in particular:

One of the things I used to complain about is the fact that once I was known as a sub/domme/switch, no one wanted to just go on a date anymore. Every encounter had to be about a scene, either doing one, preparing one, going to one, talking about one.. etc ad nauseum..... I just stopped being a person. It was kind of sad really.

Yes I know that I most likely encouraged that by seeing those who were like this, but dating a vanilla guy just left me feeling like I had been out with my brother. Do we as a "lifestyle" truly believe that all ventures in the courtship period have to revolve upon finding out if we are compatible D/s partners? I dont know... I am just venting... for me it is now a moot point I guess since I have found an owner I wish to serve. But the question still remains for others.

Well, I think it is very prevalent. While I'm relatively happy to go out and have a fun evening or lunch with a chap that is a *dom* it can be a tiny bit irritating if they have to refer to bdsm every five minutes.

Bdsm is IN my life but it's as natural as breathing , it's just there.........I would be bored rigid if I had to talk about it all the time.

Whilst my relationship is pretty *all-consuming* ....bdsm isn't.......it's just *the way it is*. It's not referred to all the time, it's not *spelt out* all the time, any more than the dynamics of my marriages were.

agirl

(in reply to kitty2MLoneWolf)

Post #: 57

RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 10:13:22 AM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear KatyLied, Ladies and Gentlemen;

I agree with your original post, that lifestyle should not define you (in general terms) as a person/individual and or couple.

Being me; I am made up of many ingredients of life's lessons, experiences, skills and knowledge. I have many interests outside the M/s realm but, M/s is a vital or key ingredient to my happiness. The D/s element has run a course throughout my lifetime. My parents practiced D/s but, until more "defined" labels were given it remained a state of behavior and attitude, rather than D/s. Every element of school, training, employment had D/s elements. It is in my mind's eye that when exposed to M/s on a more formal basis did I have a light bulb moment as it defined what I've had all through my life in a low current per se manner. It all made better sense once exposed to the society of those practicing Master/Mistress-slave and or D/s, BDSM and or S&M.

Lifestyle is fluid in my mind's eye; as it changes as I change. My younger days, I was many things outside of M/s. I was an equestrian, I was an instructor, I was a judge, I was a trainer, I was employed, I was someone's daughter, I was a blacksmith, I was a guard, I was an advocate before the courts, I adopted the unwanted, I volunteered, I nursed as well. Now in my twilight days, I am occassional instructor, occassional teacher and full time care provider. I will become my independent self again, if and when I am no longer required as to fulfill my duties as daughter and care giver. I will have no problem in taking up my true happiness as being an Master/Mistress and create my leather family in a more solid way.

It would be folly of me to think anybody could practice the life I went through so many years ago to present. My life is not defined by other's inability to believe mine was to good to be true or not. Nor, should any other cast credibility on another's for living life in their own way.

I do agree, that there can be a better way or approach on giving suggestions as to enhance another's 'lifestyle' but, not saying it in a mean spirit or to discredit another's. If we (in a general sense) keep worrying about what others define us by, we'd never have a successful life. Must do for ourselves and what is right for our time in our personal history and we our own custom made recipe for success as an individual.

As for those who cannot feel worthy or independent of groups/clubs and or associations, to be defined as an individual--I feel sorry for them. It must be a real burden to identify more with a group and or organization/association than just being 'them.' Anybody who takes attention off of them are immediately attacked, so they can have their needed fix of attention and validation. In my mind's eye, I can only assume it is more frightening to stand alone than to hide under the umbrella of a group/organization/association/club.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 58

RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 10:16:38 AM

genusnpimptress

Posts: 12
Joined: 12/10/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressMelissa

There have been many interesting points made in this thread. Much of them are a function of ones own perspective. My girl Phoenix has in her signature line "Lifestyle is not what I do, but how I live". For many this lifestyle is defined by what it is we do. For others it is a logical extension of our personalities. So while some might look upon the "play time" as being the lifestyle, others may view the personal dynamics the lifestyle. Kink or play is but a generous 4% of our lives. It's what we do with the remaining 96% that marks it a lifestyle. It's the everyday activities of how one sits, or how a little one acts with deference to their owner or an owner ensuring the welfare of their little one, that makes this a lifestyle. Much of this we do without much thought. Other times we have to make a conscious choice to modify or change our own behavior to improve upon ourselves. So while washing a dish might be vanilla, washing my dishes as a service to me is not. It's ones motivation and not their actions that create the "Lifestyle".

Ds is not what I do but how I live. Just something to ponder.

Thank you Thank you Thank you! I wish that i could have been this clear.

(in reply to MistressMelissa)

Post #: 59

RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You - 8/25/2006 2:31:21 PM

WhiteRadiance

Posts: 247
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

Great topic, Katie!

I have often wondered what the "lifestyle" is, exactly.
It seems to mean something different to each who use the term, and I hesitate to say I am a Lifestyle Domme.. If lifestyle means I am in domme mode all the time, or that all my free time is taken up with group events and functions, then I am not lifestyle. However, if being "lifestyle" means that I live an M/s relationship, then I am lifestyle.

I see often that people claim to "need" B/D, D/s, BDSM or whatever. I understand fully that this is an aspect of their character, as it is mine. However, it should not be used as an excuse to forsake obligations and responsibilities.

No one "needs" kink- they want it, crave it, desire it- but humans needs are basic and of the same nature as any other mammal. We can get dramatic, and claim we "need" love, sex, cars, furs, BDSM, etc.. but deep down, it is not need, but desire. Am I less "real" if I admit that I do not "need" those things? I choose how I want to live and I make no excuse for it.

I am much more than what I do. I have more to learn, more to teach, more to give and I have no intention of letting my sexual kink define who I am as a person.

However, those who choose to define themselves in such a manner are no less real. We are all at a different place in our journeys and we can all learn from one another.

_____________________________

Staci

The drop of rain makes a hole in a stone not by violence, but by often falling.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 60

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