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What is my Problem??? - 8/25/2006 5:49:31 PM   
ChelseaSalome


Posts: 20
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline 		I'm just back to CM after being away for awhile. I am posting because I really need some help. I think I have hit some kind of emotional bottom, no pun intended. I'm honestly willing to listen to any feedback. I pretty much will do whatever it takes to fix my really screwed up behavior.
I had met this really really amazing Dom locally, and, although there were a few complications, in hindsight, the match was just very good. I have to say that He was probably the closest to what I have really been seeking that maybe I have found, ever. Things might have progressed along to a really lovely place now, except that I have done every thing I could do to completely wreck it at every turn. I doubted Him, questioned Him, disobeyed Him, pressured Him-oh, just about every stupid thing a submissive could do in a relationship.
I have no doubt of my nature, I am submissive to the core. I have been happy in other Ds relationships in the past and am only intersted in that dynamic.I've not behaved this way with other Dom in my life.  But for some reasons, I acted out all over the place with Him. Again and again, He would pull us back together. He was great at taking control of my acting out and starting us over again.
Until today. Today I really did it. In the middle of completing a very fair punishment, I acted out again in exactly the same disrespectful, angry, accusatory way. Nasty and horrible.
The primary issue again and again involved His sense of time when it came to returning phone calls. When He didnt call me, and we are talking about hours here, not days, I would start feeling miserably anxious and that would turn to anger. Serious anger, out of control anger. Totally insane sense of being lost, freefalling and out of control. There are lots of specifics, but basically it always got down to me NOT getting something I wanted when I wanted it. It isnt the phone calls. He was so willing to own that as a problem, was willing to work on it and understood that it concerned me. There was something that filled me with dread about giving Him control of *that part* of me.
No matter what,  nothing either of us did stopped this behavior in me. It was as though some pure brat submissive took over and turned me into a psychotic mess.  For example, if He didn't get back to me when I thought He should, I would go out and party with friends out of spite. Or, then when He would call, I wouldn't pick up the phone.
(yeah, I know, really unforgivable and childish)
Now, this is NOT an issue I have in other areas of my life. I am pretty rational most of the time. But something about *this* relationship just brought up some truly bad behavior.
I wish I could just shrug it off to being just an issue of something just not working between us, but truth is, I know that I love Him and that we were really great together. And I know that I really messed up here.
I don't think I can fix this relationship. I think it is over forever(He would actually be foolish to take me back, honestly, after my behavior today) but DAMN I never want this to happen again! It  is so rare to find someone that clicks in all the right places. I am terrified that something is really screwed up with me. Help! what do I need? therapy? Is this some bizarre fear of being happy? Why would I destroy something I have wanted so badly for so long? I'm kind of in between shock and floods of tears right now.

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RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/25/2006 5:58:30 PM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		It is possible that what you thought you wanted all this time, is not really what you want after all.

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RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/25/2006 6:00:23 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChelseaSalome
.
I had met this really really amazing Dom locally, and, although there were a few complications, in hindsight, the match was just very good.


Why is it that I believe that there is something about this part that we need to know?

Jeff

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Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

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RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/25/2006 6:05:59 PM   
ChelseaSalome


Posts: 20
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline 		I supoose that is a possibility. And if I'm not really what I *think* I am, then I guess I need to deal with it. Again, it would be easy to think it was an issue with just us as a couple except that so many times, so often, we were just so happy and content together. So much worked between us...i dunno

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RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/25/2006 6:10:13 PM   
ChelseaSalome


Posts: 20
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline 		LOL good catch! Actually, the complications:child from a previous relationship, being quite busy(both of us) in careers, and his recent move back to the city;  were sometimes the cause for me not getting *enough* of him, and some of my mistrust. But honestly, there was never much real about my rages at him. Most of it was completely irrational and groundless, which I would always come to realize after I had gone nuts.

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RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/25/2006 6:12:54 PM   
cheekierjess


Posts: 8
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline 		in my opionion it is simply that you have found the thing you were looking for and now you dont know what to do you act out as maybe somewhere deep inside you dont think you deserve him who knows just my opinion

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RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/25/2006 6:15:40 PM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		So many people think that they don't deserve to be happy...you may be one...you may not.  People often sabotage what they want or what they think they want.  I don't know that there is a solution.  Recognizing it is often half the battle, but you still have to change the behavior.

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RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/25/2006 6:18:05 PM   
cheekierjess


Posts: 8
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline 		i agree that the behavior has to be changed but how can you change it if you do not know why it is happening

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RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/25/2006 6:20:40 PM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		You change it by not doing it anymore.  When tempted not to answer the phone because you feel he didn't call soon enough, answer it anyway.  Talk to him...you may find out that he had a very good reason to wait to call.  It's like quitting smoking...just quit.  (And yes, I was a smoker and I quit so I know exactly how hard that is to do.)

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RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/25/2006 6:39:04 PM   
ChelseaSalome


Posts: 20
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline 		I know this is so true. There have been times the phone has been ringing and I stare at it....then when I answer it, it was always the right thing to do.
It's just when this monster takes over inside. I feel that I am doing the right thing, even when it could not be more wrong

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RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/25/2006 6:41:16 PM   
ChelseaSalome


Posts: 20
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline 		A dear switch friend has suggested that I complete my two written punishments and send them to him even though we are broken up as an act of contrition and as an act of reflection. I'm going to do that and focus on not expecting a response, but just to know myself that I did what I was told

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RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/25/2006 6:49:41 PM   
utterlybutterfli


Posts: 49
Joined: 6/16/2006
Status: offline 		Just my two cents, you understand.

I had some help from the lovely people on these boards when i had similar (not exactly the same, but similar enough) problems with a Dom I met. the thing that really jumped out at me when I read your post was the word mistrust.
It seems to me, that theres a basic insecurity that comes into play when you don't trust someone. Why hasn't he called? Whats he doing? Who is he doing it with? Doesn't he want me? If you trusted him, as with your friends and other loved ones, if he called a little later than he said he would, it probably would cross your mind than it was a bit later than he said, but it wouldn't worry you - because you know he's going to call sometime soon.
So whats the trust issue, is it something you can solve by communicating better? Is it a gut feeling or have you reason to be suspicious?
In my experience, these feeling of unhappiness, confusion, mistrust can be squashed down - for a bit - and then they do something embarrasing like coming out to bite him in the middle of a scene. Thats not nice for anyone. So try and find a safe, normal way of talking about your feelings. If he accepts and helps you with them - you're good to go. If he doesn't/won't/can't then maybe its time to stop blaming yourself for not being subly enough.

Good luck

(in reply to ChelseaSalome)
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RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/25/2006 7:00:26 PM   
ChelseaSalome


Posts: 20
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline 		We actually did manage to have those kind of discussions from time to time. He would allow me any question, access to any information I needed to feel more secure. And, in spite of that, in a few days, I was off again.
If there would have been something *real* to worry about with Him, I would understand my behavior. But it was just, honestly, baseless. I have a pretty intact self esteem(or I used to think so) and I think I can tell when I am being too hard on myself and I am real sure that I am totally in the wrong here. I have easily left bad relationships in the past.
I know I want this dynamic. I know I am submissive. I know it even surer now than ever. I have some fear/anxiety/anger issue about that is really getting in the way though. And I have to figure it out and quick!

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RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/25/2006 7:16:58 PM   
Davidwr


Posts: 15
Joined: 8/25/2006
From: Central Florida
Status: offline 		Your behavior is absolutely normal.  You are a woman, you feel you are submissive but your master isn't in control of you.  If he were in control, you wouldn't be doing these things.  One must be entirely in control of oneself before he can take control of another.  It's very much like the biblical story of the Centurion and Jesus: the Centurion's servant was sick, so he sent some of the local Jewish hierarchy to Jesus who delivered his message: "This man has been good to our people and a friend.  His servant is ill and he asks for you to cure the servant; but he says: 'I am not worthy that you should come under my roof, say but the word and my servant will be cured. For I am under authority myself and have servants and soldiers under me, and when I say to them: 'Do this', they do it, or 'go there' and they go.' "   The centurion knew about levels of authority: if he disobeyed his superiors, his own soldiers and servants would not obey him. 
The same thing applies in D/s relationships.  The Master or Dom must be in absolute control of himself and his little corner of the world.  The only way he achieves this is by submitting to the discipline of work and the "superiors" [people or factors] that govern his life.  When he himself is in total submission to his own "superiors", he can exercise control over another.  Otherwise he cannot.  That much is certain.  In your case, he is not controlling you at all - so you are coming apart at the seams, completely out of control.  Probably you are attracted to him exactly because of this: you are deeply aware that he lacks control of his own life and himself and so you are not "afraid" of him, rather, you are enticed by the idea of "controlling" him.   Everyone is enticed by the opportunity to control another, so don't go discounting your possibly genuine submissive nature.  But find a Dom or master who really controls his own life, and you won't have any trouble submitting to him.  David

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RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/25/2006 7:53:21 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		You have deep insecurities.  Until you address those insecurities directly and openly, you will continue to act out and seek attention towards your insecurities in a passive aggressive manner.  Your acting out is a sympton of a bigger problem and the punishment will only deal with the symptom- not the cause.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/25/2006 10:09:20 PM   
ChelseaSalome


Posts: 20
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline 		<<The Master or Dom must be in absolute control of himself and his little corner of the world.  The only way he achieves this is by submitting to the discipline of work and the "superiors" [people or factors] that govern his life.  When he himself is in total submission to his own "superiors", he can exercise control over another.>>>
This really hits home. I havent realized how much I have been trying to take control from the bottom. I have been trying to *make* Him show me how much he needs me. A huge part of my acting out today was that i didnt get to escort Him home from a medical procedure, or in other words, "let me show you how much you need me." I was furious. It wasnt for Him, it was for me! Many many of my rages are triggered by similar.

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RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/25/2006 10:11:30 PM   
ChelseaSalome


Posts: 20
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline 		<<<You have deep insecurities.  Until you address those insecurities directly and openly, you will continue to act out and seek attention towards your insecurities in a passive aggressive manner.  >>>
Agreed. How do I address them? Do insecure people ever "get" secure?

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RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/25/2006 11:55:09 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChelseaSalome
Agreed. How do I address them? Do insecure people ever "get" secure?

Well you've already started.  Next step is to figure out within yourself exactly what your insecurities are, and where they come from.  Best way to do this is to critically think through your patterns- when do you get anxious?  What's going on?  Are tehre common words?  Common themes?  What are your triggers?

Some insecurities can be worked through, but the serious ones are things you learn to manage and live with.  You recognize they exist, you do not let them rule your behavior, and you work with what you have.  They don't go away, but they aren't in charge either.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/26/2006 12:22:22 AM   
Steelriven


Posts: 300
Joined: 12/26/2005
Status: offline 		Could you be scared not of being happy, but of failure? Falling, careing for this man... Finally realizing that this could be what you've wanted all along. That this is the missing key in your puzzle. But you're scared that some thing will happen later down the road after you have fallen to destroy what you've found?

Have you talked about your insecurities with him? Maybe you need reasurrance. If he will talk to you, maybe that's the best thing for you... To talk it out with him. Let him know what's going on. Maybe you need him to call you every six hours, or something to say one sentance like "I'm here for you." Or "I'm not going anywhere."

_____________________________

steelriven who's just a lil_twisted

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RE: What is my Problem??? - 8/26/2006 12:48:13 AM   
Noah


Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline
To the OP I'll say: "A few complications?" That the relationship sounds hellish. Can you re-read your post and wish you were back in that mess?

But as for this:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Davidwr
...
  One must be entirely in control of oneself before he can take control of another. 
...


Did you mean to make a normative claim? Because this is utter crap as stated.

Nothing is more common than the phenomenon of someone who is wildly out of control of him or herself and yet who in various ways controls the lives of those around him or her.

Have you ever met an addict, or an infant?

It simply is not true that one must be entirely in control of himself before he can take control of another. A great deal of the control-taking that goes on is precisely a reaction to the out-of-personal-control-ness of the person taking charge of something or someone else.

Abused spouses, for instance, are very often under the control of a person who is far from being in control of his over her own life. Nor is the abuser rightly submissive to the people and factors which impinge upon him or her.

So it is plain that one one can take control of another while being wildly out of control of oneself.

If you intended that one should attain some significant degree of self control before attempting to control others--for the sake of doing the best sort of job of it, that would be something else again.

I can see merit in a modestly interpretted claim like this but your "entirely in control of oneself," didn't sound modest at all. "Entirely" is a big word. You obviously don't intend it in a categorical sense or else your (helpful) comments about how everyone must submit or suffer consequences would not have made sense. Still I'm keft wondering how you did mean it.

What counts for you as being "entirely" in control of oneself and one's little corner of the world?


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