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what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/3/2006 9:19:49 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		Trainers and those who are "married, but looking" have something in common. Both are emotionally unavailable and both search for partners to use on a short term basis. I used to think a trainer was someone who preferred an inexperiencd partner because they could train without having to untrain. I'm going to tell my own experience to better explain. I joined this sight as a newby. When the guy I became involved with told me he was a trainer, I thought I had found the perfect situation. I didn't know what the title "trainer " in the bdsm world meant. I really cared for this man and was very good to him. In return, he ignored me on Valentine's Day, stood me up on my birthday, refused to ever take me on a date, and constantly cancelled planned sessions because something suddenly came up. As a newby, I thought I was doing something wrong or not learning fast enough and doubled my efforts. In the end, he dumped me when I did nothing whatsoever to deserve it. Trainers only want short term and no amount of effort on the trainees part will convince them otherwise. If I had known what a trainer was to begin with, it would have saved me a lot of heartache. There are plenty of doms and switches out there not seeking a short term fling who are willing to train someone with little or no experience. I hope this warning will prevent someone else from being hurt. 
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/3/2006 9:27:32 PM   
Homestead


Posts: 1005
Status: offline 		We hear this all the time.

And that's what trainers do. And most are honest enough to tell you upfront not to get attached-and they mean it.

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
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RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/3/2006 9:47:16 PM   
MsIncognito


Posts: 742
Joined: 5/24/2005
Status: offline 		I don't think you were misled by anything except your own unwillingness to realize that Traniner means just that - someone who trains you. It's not synonymous with boyfriend, lover, friend, confidant, master or bank account.  Perhaps you saw what it was you wanted to see, can hardly blame him for that. 

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
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RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/3/2006 9:48:38 PM   
Homestead


Posts: 1005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsIncognito

I don't think you were misled by anything except your own unwillingness to realize that Traniner means just that - someone who trains you. It's not synonymous with boyfriend, lover, friend, confidant, master or bank account.  Perhaps you saw what it was you wanted to see, can hardly blame him for that. 


That was pretty much my thought.

It's not good to complain about the deal not working-when you are the one who refused to abide by the terms.

(in reply to MsIncognito)
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RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/3/2006 9:50:54 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		Many times people get attached even when they struggle not to. If I was a trainer and someone became attached to me, treated me like a queen, and put loads of effort into pleasing me I would see it as a blessing. I wouldn't dump them unless they gave me a reason. I couldn't live with the guilt.

(in reply to Homestead)
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RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/3/2006 9:54:33 PM   
MsIncognito


Posts: 742
Joined: 5/24/2005
Status: offline 		And??? You can hardly blame someone who says they are a trainer for behaving like a trainer because you got swept away as many newbies do. Learn from it  and move on.

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

Many times people get attached even when they struggle not to. If I was a trainer and someone became attached to me, treated me like a queen, and put loads of effort into pleasing me I would see it as a blessing. I wouldn't dump them unless they gave me a reason. I couldn't live with the guilt.

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
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RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/3/2006 9:56:56 PM   
Homestead


Posts: 1005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

Many times people get attached even when they struggle not to. If I was a trainer and someone became attached to me, treated me like a queen, and put loads of effort into pleasing me I would see it as a blessing. I wouldn't dump them unless they gave me a reason. I couldn't live with the guilt.


No. You make excuses for being selfish.

Learn some self discipline if you want to do D/s. Rather than rationalizing reasons for being dishonorable, and ignoring boundaries.

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/3/2006 10:08:32 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		Well the sub frenzy has ended and you can now go back into the life with more info on hand and a lesson learned.I will not say that you should of known better,because you probably did not.I do say however you have gained possibly some knowledge and savvy upon the way so do not look at it as a total loss.You took a chance and jumped and went splat..thats ok..this is what happens to anyone new to anything....you took your first step just like a toddler and landed on your bottom, now get back up ,dust yourself off, and try again...be well...Tempting

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
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RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/3/2006 10:08:59 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		I guess I forgot to mention that trainer happened to be his job title. Speaking of jobs, haven't you ever heard of certain companies wanting inexperienced help so they could be trained their way? That's why I thought what I did. He has a vanilla girl he is dating now..........that's right........dating. But since she's not into bondage, he's looking for a new play partner. I emailed him asking if he was being honest with any potential new partners by telling him he has a gf. I got no response.

(in reply to MsIncognito)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/3/2006 10:11:30 PM   
Homestead


Posts: 1005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

I guess I forgot to mention that trainer happened to be his job title. Speaking of jobs, haven't you ever heard of certain companies wanting inexperienced help so they could be trained their way? That's why I thought what I did. He has a vanilla girl he is dating now..........that's right........dating. But since she's not into bondage, he's looking for a new play partner. I emailed him asking if he was being honest with any potential new partners by telling him he has a gf. I got no response.


You just don't seem to get it. A trainer is not your boyfriend.

It's a HOBBY. I'd worry more about if his girlfriend was concerned about the hassles he's inviting with silly newbies and thier vanilla pretenses.

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/3/2006 10:14:00 PM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		What a load of hogwash.

If you are supposedly experienced enough to "train" someone (which is bullshit in and of itself) then you should be able to spot someone who is emotionally needy or vulnerable and then politely tell them they aren't ready for your amazingly wonderful services.

Most who offer to "train", "mentor" and anything else other than simply saying "I want to fuck/play/use you once in a while are full of shit unless they are doing this in the same room as you.  Of course there are exceptions, but there are also born again Christians who aren't assholes and I am sure there is a white supremacist somewhere who is a kind caring sort of fellow too.

Since by definition, these sorts of predators seek out inexperienced people (I mean who else would fall for this shit) they if they are "good" then should expect the sort of problems inexperienced people tend to have and keep things at a level where these sort of bonds don't form.

As for the original poster, do yourself a favor, and buy yourself two very cheap books, both from Greenery Press.  The Bottoming Book as well as The Topping Book and you will know more about D/s and S&M than most posters here on CM.

(in reply to Homestead)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/3/2006 10:14:59 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		defiantbadgirl: I am sorry this happened to you. It sounds like it hurt. It would have hurt me. I know you didn't know what a Trainer was, because you said you didn't. Even if some people think you should have known better, I am still a little surprised there no shortage of criticism and absolutely no gracious sympathy for your plight. I wonder why people sometimes think the words "you should have known better" will be helpful. I am mystified. Hope you heal, and know you are still a good person. Don't let this make you feel worthless.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 9/3/2006 10:31:01 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/3/2006 10:17:04 PM   
Homestead


Posts: 1005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

What a load of hogwash.

If you are supposedly experienced enough to "train" someone (which is bullshit in and of itself) then you should be able to spot someone who is emotionally needy or vulnerable and then politely tell them they aren't ready for your amazingly wonderful services.

Most who offer to "train", "mentor" and anything else other than simply saying "I want to fuck/play/use you once in a while are full of shit unless they are doing this in the same room as you.  Of course there are exceptions, but there are also born again Christians who aren't assholes and I am sure there is a white supremacist somewhere who is a kind caring sort of fellow too.

Since by definition, these sorts of predators seek out inexperienced people (I mean who else would fall for this shit) they if they are "good" then should expect the sort of problems inexperienced people tend to have and keep things at a level where these sort of bonds don't form.

As for the original poster, do yourself a favor, and buy yourself two very cheap books, both from Greenery Press.  The Bottoming Book as well as The Topping Book and you will know more about D/s and S&M than most posters here on CM.


I obviously take a harsher view of this. If someone accepts terms upfront-then they shouldn't expect more. They made a choice. It's then up to them to deal with the fallout from that choice.

I'd only call a trainer predatory, if he or she was deceptive about it.

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/3/2006 10:21:26 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Homestead: Re-read her post. She didn't know what the word "Trainer" meant in the bdsm world. The guy obviously lied to her or mis-represented himself. I don't call that a situation where anyone "accepted any terms" - the terms were either not made clear, or mis-represented in their entirety. At least that was my impression.When he cancelled sessions, she doubled her efforts, and he didn't even have the graciousness to tell her what was happening. The guy seems like snake. I realize there are two sides to every story, but I do wonder sometimes if there isn't an block of ice where your heart should be. You could be a little more sympathetic - and read a lot more closely. And not jump to conclusions, based on other posts you may have read about people's "experiences with Trainers".

- Susan  

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 9/3/2006 10:26:32 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Homestead)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/3/2006 10:25:14 PM   
Homestead


Posts: 1005
Status: offline 		Ahh I missed that, my apologies. I should not post when I am this tired. Live and learn. Maybe she should have done a web search on the term. Too late now.

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/3/2006 10:28:36 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Homestead: Well, yeah, maybe I would have asked around. I am tired too. Sorry to yap. I just hate when people jump on somebody who is obvioulsy already "down". What good could that possibly do them?  Sorry to be a bit ornery myself. Hope you have good night. Sleep well.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 9/3/2006 10:29:02 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Homestead)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/3/2006 10:30:34 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		How is treating someone well being selfish? He knew I would have done almost anything for him. When he was hurt, I wanted to take care of him. When he had car problems, I offered to help. I always respected him and never tried to push any of his hard limits. How is that selfish? Rotton people deserve to be used, not kind ones.

(in reply to Homestead)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/3/2006 10:30:40 PM   
Homestead


Posts: 1005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

Homestead: Well, yeah, maybe I would have asked around. I am tired too. Sorry to yap. I just hate when people jump on somebody who is obvioulsy already "down". What good could that possibly do them?  Sorry to be a bit ornery myself. Hope you have good night. Sleep well.

- Susan


I'm just overwhelmingly tired of people trying to sidestep the consequences of thier actions susan. It gets very old to hear the whining over it after a time.

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/3/2006 10:31:27 PM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

What a load of hogwash.

If you are supposedly experienced enough to "train" someone (which is bullshit in and of itself) then you should be able to spot someone who is emotionally needy or vulnerable and then politely tell them they aren't ready for your amazingly wonderful services.

Most who offer to "train", "mentor" and anything else other than simply saying "I want to fuck/play/use you once in a while are full of shit unless they are doing this in the same room as you.  Of course there are exceptions, but there are also born again Christians who aren't assholes and I am sure there is a white supremacist somewhere who is a kind caring sort of fellow too.

Since by definition, these sorts of predators seek out inexperienced people (I mean who else would fall for this shit) they if they are "good" then should expect the sort of problems inexperienced people tend to have and keep things at a level where these sort of bonds don't form.

As for the original poster, do yourself a favor, and buy yourself two very cheap books, both from Greenery Press.  The Bottoming Book as well as The Topping Book and you will know more about D/s and S&M than most posters here on CM.

You are quite correct CrappyDom and this guy most likely picks newbies because he knows how eager most of them are and frankly he doesnt give  two shits about them. He just wanted someone to use for a short time and toss away.

I hope the OP learned from this experience and can move on to something better. He isn't worth wasting your time on.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/3/2006 10:32:49 PM   
Homestead


Posts: 1005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

How is treating someone well being selfish? He knew I would have done almost anything for him. When he was hurt, I wanted to take care of him. When he had car problems, I offered to help. I always respected him and never tried to push any of his hard limits. How is that selfish? Rotton people deserve to be used, not kind ones.


Look. If he told you he wanted things a certain way, it was not fair to push yourself on him. Even if you did not know what he was about initially-he did make it clear later.

And that was the point where you got selfish-when you refused to respect his wishes and let go.

< Message edited by Homestead -- 9/3/2006 10:33:51 PM >

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 20
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