RE: what every newbie should know about trainers

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MadameMaroc -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/3/2006 10:33:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CrappyDom What a load of hogwash. If you are supposedly experienced enough to "train" someone (which is bullshit in and of itself) then you should be able to spot someone who is emotionally needy or vulnerable and then politely tell them they aren't ready for your amazingly wonderful services. Most who offer to "train", "mentor" and anything else other than simply saying "I want to fuck/play/use you once in a while are full of shit unless they are doing this in the same room as you. Of course there are exceptions, but there are also born again Christians who aren't assholes and I am sure there is a white supremacist somewhere who is a kind caring sort of fellow too. Since by definition, these sorts of predators seek out inexperienced people (I mean who else would fall for this shit) they if they are "good" then should expect the sort of problems inexperienced people tend to have and keep things at a level where these sort of bonds don't form. As for the original poster, do yourself a favor, and buy yourself two very cheap books, both from Greenery Press. The Bottoming Book as well as The Topping Book and you will know more about D/s and S&M than most posters here on CM. I am an exception! Best Regards, MM

SusanofO -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/3/2006 10:33:32 PM)
Homestead: Don't tell anyone this, but that is why I only read my e-mail every 4 days now (if that often). I found myself getting jaded, and not paying individual attention to letters if they sounded at all like one I'd just received. It seemed like burnout to me - I had to step back, so I could see with fresh eyes. Because every single person really is different (I think). So far, it's working. - SDusan

mistoferin -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/3/2006 10:33:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SusanofO She didn't know what the word "Trainer" meant in the bdsm world. So that means that she submitted to someone...and she did it long enough to become attached and jealous....and she didn't even know who or what the person was. This doesn't seem like something that played out over the last week...Valentine's day was a LONG time ago. This has been ongoing and I would suspect that there is a lot more to this than what we are getting. At any rate, it sounds alot like someone got dumped and is bitter and taking revenge by posting all the dirty truths on a message board. I say it often because it's true......a little common sense goes a long way.

Homestead -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/3/2006 10:37:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SusanofO Homestead: Don't tell anyone this, but that is why I only read my e-mail every 4 days now (if that often). I found myself getting jaded, and not paying individual attention to letters if they sounded at all like one I'd just received. It seemed like burnout to me - I had to step back, so I could see with fresh eyes. Because every single person really is different (I think). So far, it's working. - SDusan It's not burn out. I can see the differences. There are still a huge number of people I see as very worthy and wise here. And others that I see as sniveling and self serving in the extreme. I'd question myself if I could no longer see any BUT the latter.

Homestead -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/3/2006 10:38:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin quote: ORIGINAL: SusanofO She didn't know what the word "Trainer" meant in the bdsm world. So that means that she submitted to someone...and she did it long enough to become attached and jealous....and she didn't even know who or what the person was. This doesn't seem like something that played out over the last week...Valentine's day was a LONG time ago. This has been ongoing and I would suspect that there is a lot more to this than what we are getting. At any rate, it sounds alot like someone got dumped and is bitter and taking revenge by posting all the dirty truths on a message board. I say it often because it's true......a little common sense goes a long way. "warnings" are usually all about revenge. There is no altruism involved-it's spite that's talking.

SusanofO -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/3/2006 10:40:59 PM)
mistoferin: Well, those dirty truths so far don't even include anyone's first name, so it's sure not gonna make me cringe a lot. I think she's venting which can be good for people. I want to know why some are always so willing to jump in someone who is hurting. Why not just say nothing? Or at least - ask for the facts. I keep hearing: "It sounds like she..." if people really want to know more, they can ask her - she is right here. Then they can proceed with the jumping and unhelpful "you should have known better" talk, hehe. Homestead: So what if it's "spite talking"? Without a first name and ID, I call it "venting." God knows, we've never seen you vent! LOL[:D] You going to educate her into how to be a better newbie submissive by yelling at her? Ask her how effective that's gonna be. Guess Homestead gets sick of "people" who "never take responsibility" "time after time" and I get sick of posters who jump on people who are "down", because I think it 1) Doesn't help them 2) Many times, is based on partial or no knowledge of a personal situation. We all have out pet peeves, I guess. - Susan

CrappyDom -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/3/2006 10:42:38 PM)
Homestead, I agree that people should be responsible for their actions. The OP is clearly naive and had hidden expectations for the relationship. However, if you are setting yourself up as the one who is supposedly "knowledgeable" whether as Dominant, Trainer, Fuckbuddy, if you supposedly know enough to fill THAT roll and yet can't see into the other person deep enough to see the trouble brewing then by definition you don't know enough to be wearing that hat. Trainers and mentors (the names themselves should be red flags) are not setting themselves up as equals in a relationship, cause uhm, then what would the point of having a trainer/mentor be after all, they are setting themselves up as the roll of teacher to student. We don't allow teachers to fuck students do we? Why not? It isn't age, because the rule exists at Universities as well. The reason is because of the undue influence and supposed greater knowledge/understanding posses by the teacher. So in my book, if you don't know enough to see what is going on in the one you are "teaching" then either you are thinking with your little brain or you your brain is too little. Either way, you deserve whatever misery comes your way.

Homestead -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/3/2006 10:45:29 PM)
I've had women I have had to let go in the past susan. Incompatability issues that could not be resolved. And have had a few go ballistic over it, and try the "bitter stalker bitch" routine. When I see it now, there is absolutely NO sympathy. Especially when revenge and whining commiseration seems to be the motivation for the "outing"

CrappyDom -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/3/2006 10:49:03 PM)
Homestead, So your pattern is to choose women who all stalk you. The problem isn't them, it is you and the way you choose partners. I can see why you would have sympathy with another dominant with a similar problem.

Homestead -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/3/2006 10:50:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CrappyDom Homestead, I agree that people should be responsible for their actions. The OP is clearly naive and had hidden expectations for the relationship. However, if you are setting yourself up as the one who is supposedly "knowledgeable" whether as Dominant, Trainer, Fuckbuddy, if you supposedly know enough to fill THAT roll and yet can't see into the other person deep enough to see the trouble brewing then by definition you don't know enough to be wearing that hat. Trainers and mentors (the names themselves should be red flags) are not setting themselves up as equals in a relationship, cause uhm, then what would the point of having a trainer/mentor be after all, they are setting themselves up as the roll of teacher to student. We don't allow teachers to fuck students do we? Why not? It isn't age, because the rule exists at Universities as well. The reason is because of the undue influence and supposed greater knowledge/understanding posses by the teacher. So in my book, if you don't know enough to see what is going on in the one you are "teaching" then either you are thinking with your little brain or you your brain is too little. Either way, you deserve whatever misery comes your way. Let me tell you a little story. I agreed to mentor a little sub online a few years back. Terms were very clearly outlined. FROM THE START. Advice ONLY. Then she let herself get attached. Begged my collor,lied ,then began dissing me in forums on another server when I slapped her for it. I kept my word. I cut her off. She proceeded to stalk and harass me for a good three months before my ignoring her made her quit. It's not ALWAYS the fault of the Top. Do you think that only DOMS can behave in a dishonorable manner?

Homestead -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/3/2006 10:51:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CrappyDom Homestead, So your pattern is to choose women who all stalk you. The problem isn't them, it is you and the way you choose partners. I can see why you would have sympathy with another dominant with a similar problem. You really have a one track mind on this subject. How can you "choose' someone who is going to end up stalking you? Do they have "stalker' tattooed on thier foreheads? You must think people are astoundingly simple.

SusanofO -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/3/2006 10:51:49 PM)
Homestead: Wow, that's too bad for people who had absolutley nothing to do with that situation, isn't it? Your a grown up guy, though. I understand it, but I'll bet there are some walking around affected by it, who are just plain mystifid by it, and possibly damaged a little due to it. - Susan

Homestead -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/3/2006 10:55:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SusanofO Homestead: Wow, that's too bad for people who had absolutley nothing to do with that situation, isn't it? Your a grown up guy, though. I understand it, but I'll bet there are some walking around affected by it, who are just plain mystifid by it, and possibly damaged a little due to it. - Susan I have said what needed to be, I'm done now. There are two sides to every story,we have not heard his.

mistoferin -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/3/2006 10:55:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SusanofO mistoferin: Well, those dirty truths so far don't even include anyone's first name, so it's sure not gonna make me cringe a lot. I think she's venting which can be good for people. I want to know why some are always so willing to jump in someone who is hurting. Why not just say nothing? Or at least - ask for the facts. I keep hearing: "It souunds like she..." if people really want to know more, they can ask her - she is right here. Then they can proceed with the jumping and unhelpful "you should have known better" talk, hehe. Susan, if you wish to view me as a cold and heartless bitch...please feel free. I will let you go on kissing all the boo boos. And I won't condescend to you for it...so please give me the same respect. I have my own way of reasoning things...just as you. I, personally feel that sometimes a bitch slap is more helpful than a hug...they are certainly more memorable...and there is never a short supply of those who wish to coddle instead. I like to make people take a harsh look at their own responsibility for their behaviors. This woman is 33 years old...not a child...and she should know by now that there will be men in ALL walks of life who will string you along to get what they want.

popeye1250 -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/3/2006 10:57:17 PM)
Yes Homestead, it's not very nice to make sport of someone else's misfortune. Cold-hearted and small people do those types of things.

Homestead -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/3/2006 10:58:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: popeye1250 Yes Homestead, it's not very nice to make sport of someone else's misfortune. Cold-hearted and small people do those types of things. Save your inane judgements for someone who cares.

CrappyDom -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/3/2006 11:02:00 PM)
Homestead, quote: You really have a one track mind on this subject. How can you "choose' someone who is going to end up stalking you? Do they have "stalker' tattooed on thier foreheads? You must think people are astoundingly simple. You sure you don't want to edit that? I mean, getting inside someone's head is what us Dominants are supposed to be able to do!

SusanofO -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/3/2006 11:05:31 PM)
mistoerin: I never called you a cold hearted bitch (and you should know I don't think you're one). I realize we all have our own philosophies for dealing with people, but I deal with the reality of where I see them as at "in the moment". What they should be like is inconsequential - if they're not that way. There are maybe a lot of things I should have known at 14, 25, 26 , 33, hell last year, that I did not. But - if someone would have let me know, and I trusted them enough to let them help me, then maybe I would have learned more - even after the fact. I find it hard to trust people who yell or immediately sound judgmental (regardless of whether it might be "warranted"). It just doesn't engender trust, and is therefore, a tactic I mostly don't use myself, I think it's many times self-defeating. Presuming communication is the goal, I think it can be a communicatioon killer extraordinare. But It depends on the circumstances. In extreme circumstasnces, I will scream - loudly, This isn't an extreme occasion, though. But - that's my way (most of the time anyway). We all have our own. I realize mine is not "best". To each their own. - Susan

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/3/2006 11:06:43 PM)
quote: I agree that people should be responsible for their actions. The OP is clearly naive and had hidden expectations for the relationship. I think this is the hinge of it- in her OP as well as her continuing posts, the OP makes NO suggestion or hint of taking any personal accoutability or attempts to learn from her past issues. In fact we know she's made several threads before about problems with past relationships, and playing games- then begin upset when the games really don't work out. If there were any sense of actual responsibility being taken RATHER than just "This guy sucks and people should know that all trainers suck because I got hurt" I think we'd be approaching this quite differently.

popeye1250 -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/3/2006 11:11:11 PM)
Crappy, LOL. Homestead doesn't appear to have any empathy for others misfortunes. Hey, maybe an old lady will crash her car in front of his house, that ought to cheer him up!

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