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AAkasha -> RE: The great gift/tribute/money domme question (12/13/2006 7:58:05 AM)
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ORIGINAL: MsSonnetMarwood
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ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig
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ORIGINAL: Lady Alaria, if a girl pursues, most guys seem to think it means she's easy.
I wonder about the truthiness of that...hmmm
Ross I don't know if it is universally true, but I know it has also been true in my experience. M
Likewise, to some degree.
And I definately think male subs need to work at getting my attention rather than have me chase them down - that doesn't make me less dominant to know that I deserve the time and effort that goes into courting me.
I don't see "submissive" as an abdication of responsibility for having to put in the time and effort to make a realtionship work (no matter WHAT kind of relationship you have - they are ALL hard work), and a sub who sees it that way isn't going to be someone that I will be attracted to.
How does being the pursuer in a relationship make the man think you are "easy"? I have never had that problem. If you are confident in yourself and your sensuality and you make the first moves, you are just as confident to say, "Don't get any wise ideas, you aren't getting anywhere sexually with me until I say so." I had more trouble with men thinking I was "easy" because I was "kinky." They would think, "Oh great! She's into bondage, that must mean she is into wild sex all the time, sign me up!!" I made it clear that nothing sexual would happen unless it was on my terms, and that I did not jump into bed with men even though I was kinky.
The same goes with sending the wrong message to a man and making him think he did not have to pursue if I made the first move (this is with vanilla men) -- if I made the first move on a man, showed interest, initiated the first kiss, etc., I would give him my phone number and say "Make sure you call me," or "Call me tomorrow," -- and if he did not, that was his loss. If I saw him again and he was coy, I'd say "It's a shame you didn't call - I was looking forward to it" -- and then he'd jump to attention and try doubly hard to make it up. If you tell a man he better hop to it, he will - if he is interested in enough. When it comes to an aggressive woman, ALL men were interested.
The key to all of this was not caring. I guess that's sort of a man's mentality with dating. But when I was single and playing the field, I'd pick the guys I wanted to date and pursue them to the point that they knew I was interested, I would give them clear direction on what I wanted, and then pull away. If they acted fast and did it right, they'd get to date me. If not, oh well, I would have someone else to date. I wanted to be clearly in the driver's seat and I was.
The other key to this is that I decided I wanted to be single and enjoy being single, and unlike my sad vanilla girlfriends that jumped from relationship to relationship and got burned over and over again, I felt that men were a joy and a diversion from work and a diversion to be pursued on my own terms. I never sat by the phone waiting for anyone to call. I knew there was always better waiting around the corner.
But to the main point -- no one can think you are easy if you are the one in charge of the sexuality of the relationship. Men jumped through hoops to be with a woman that was confident and owned her sexuality.
Akasha
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