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RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in th... - 9/9/2006 10:11:39 AM   
MySweetSubmssive


Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline 		I don't find the wife's behavior in the restaurant to be non-submissive.  I do find it rude and insensitive.

If I were with any two people in any relationship and one of them ran down the other in front of me when we hardly knew each other, I would be concerned.  From what the OP has said, she was belittling.  That they are into BDSM seems beside the point.


< Message edited by MySweetSubmssive -- 9/9/2006 10:17:14 AM >

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(in reply to NastyDaddy)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 years in th... - 9/9/2006 10:11:44 AM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TheMightyBitch

Please forgive me if I seemed judgmental of their BDSM lifestyle.  Though I was HIGHLY uncomfortable sitting there listening to a stranger tell me these things and put her spouse down in front of me.  I consider this bad manners.


I get accused of being "judgmental" all the time when I  post.  Don't worry about it :)

With Slave and I, there is a time and place for everything.  I don't carry a whip on my hip 24/7 and he doesn't wear an overt collar.  In public, we just avoid any obvious demonstration of  D/s.  It's no one's business but ours.

(in reply to TheMightyBitch)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in th... - 9/9/2006 10:13:11 AM   
angelic


Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline 		is that 20 years experience real life or... like internet penis inches?

(i'm sorry, i just had too)... back to the thread

Regardless of how many years one has had on this planet... bad manners are bad manners...

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(in reply to NastyDaddy)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in th... - 9/9/2006 10:27:27 AM   
NastyDaddy


Posts: 957
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline 		I've never heard of an internet penis being 20 inches long, but then again... it's early in the day.

It could be based on internet "time"... where it takes 12 plus hours for the sub to perform a 15 minute blowjob. Part of the 12 hours being spent in shopping and buying her a new outfit, whore lipstick of an appropriate shade, the whole Monte.... and having dinner with a newbie lesbian femdom acquainatnce to judge whether it's all happening too fast.  

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in th... - 9/9/2006 10:35:46 AM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		Maybe she was doing exactly what he wants.

But you went on to say in a different post that she was putting down her spouse.  What exactly did she say?  If she was really putting him down, at that point I'd agree that her behavior was inappropriate.

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheMightyBitch

I was in shock how he just sat by passively while she chattered on & on. Isn't this more of the lifestyle than the props?  Shouldn't his ability to control & mold her in every day life a bigger part of the lifestyle or do their dynamics have nothing to do with it?

(in reply to TheMightyBitch)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in th... - 9/9/2006 10:40:33 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		A few thoughts from reading your post........

Perhaps their relationship is such that she can chat quite frankly about such things without him feeling threatened.

Maybe the *pampering* from her ex isn't a forbidden subject but just a frank statement of something they both accept without rancour. It isn't necessarily a negative comparison. There are lots of nice things about my ex's that I'd not shy from speaking about in front of my Master.

Maybe she felt extremely comfortable with you and felt able to share these things (even if you didn't feel as comfortable receiving them......lol)

She may have had a bad day....lol

One last thought....... this was a very small glimpse of two people and it isn't really possible to discern their D/s aspect from it.


agirl






(in reply to TheMightyBitch)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in th... - 9/9/2006 11:27:20 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		fast reply


I believe that manners are a good thing whether in the lifestyle or vanilla. Having bad manners is a human thing, and has no reflection on whether a couple has a viable dynamic. Perhaps they are both rude, perhaps he disciplined her when they got home, and perhaps he didn't care... we do not know...

I think that expecting people to be more than what they are no matter what they call their relationship is a futile thing, and if you do not like the way someone runs their ship, abandon it and do not look back. I have people tell me personal things all the time that seem a little TMI to me because in real life I do not share so much, but it just doesn't occur to me to be unkind about such things and I tend to think I am just easy to talk to so people tell me things. Perhaps this lady felt she had found a kindred spirit so she related too much information. She was mistaken.

In my relationship I am quiet and my Daddy is not when we meet people. He is very friendly, and while I am friendly too, he is even more so... He would never chastise me in front of others,.. that just wouldn't be done. I respect that about my Dom, knowing that he wouldn't publically embarass me...

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(in reply to TheMightyBitch)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 years in th... - 9/9/2006 11:41:16 AM   
MistressMelissa


Posts: 226
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline 		Greetings,

First you need to understand that this lifestyle means different things to different people. Just as you will be hard pressed to find a standard definition for most terms within this lifestyle you will also have a hard time trying to find a standard concept of behavior. Try and define slave or what a TPE relationship means. The boards are full of people debating the meaning of slave or I'm more lifestyle than you.

Within my house I have defined what all these terms mean to me. Often before a discussion with someone new, I will ask them to define some basic terms for me, this helps me understand where they are coming from.

While in my house, I would not allow my girl to discuss "house business" with a stranger, many though don't have issue sharing this information. So educate yourself and learn what it is you seek for your relationship and then you will know what you are looking for. Until you know what you seek, how can you find it?

For most, this lifestyle is all about the kink and having a good time. For others it is about structure and protocol. Some strictly enjoy it as a weekend activity while others never turn it off. You need to find your own balance between the two extremes and seek that out.

Most importantly, people are people and seldom live up to our expectations.

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Mistress of Ds Haven
www.dshaven.com

The person who says it can not be done, should not interrupt the person doing it. - Ancient Wisdom

(in reply to TheMightyBitch)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 years in th... - 9/9/2006 1:41:39 PM   
TheMightyBitch


Posts: 45
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks for the warm welcome!

Well, I have heard some real great things that have opened my mind & broadened my outlook on other peoples lives.  I think I was having expectations.

I know how I want my household run, but projecting that on others in the lifestyle seems, from what I am hearing, not the best way to be.

But I'll be damned if I ever put up with that chit! 

(in reply to MistressMelissa)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 years in th... - 9/9/2006 2:14:33 PM   
EvilGeoff


Posts: 523
Joined: 8/24/2005
Status: offline 		*grins and shrugs*

Lets just say his "management style" might be very relaxed.  I know mine is.  I'm old school in that as a manager you "praise in public, correct in private".  The conversation, as described, is something I would have found troublesome, and I think I would have reigned my girl in if she went off on that sort of tangent.  But it would have been done with subtlety.

Personally, I'm secure in who and what I am, janey is pretty much allowed to converse with whomever and about whatever she cares to.  Doesn't threaten my ego or position in the relationship.  Once in a _very_ rare while will I intervene in her conversations, and that's only when she slips into very rude or disrespectful modes. Sometimes her sense of humor is WAY off-base, something she means as a joke doesn't come across that way.

But our relationship isn't meant to work for anyone else, it's just what works for us, today.

Safe journeys, and welcome to the Boards!
- Geoff

(in reply to TheMightyBitch)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 years in th... - 9/9/2006 6:01:24 PM   
Owned1


Posts: 847
Joined: 7/6/2005
From: Toronto, Ontario
Status: offline 		I am curious MB what was it you were expecting to see in the dynamic between the two you went to dinner with?

I think this would give more insight as to where you think the lapse was and others could respond accordingly

Owned

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(in reply to TheMightyBitch)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in th... - 9/10/2006 11:00:29 AM   
PlayfulOne


Posts: 1047
Status: offline
quote:


I was in shock how he just sat by passively while she chattered on & on. Isn't this more of the lifestyle than the props?  Shouldn't his ability to control & mold her in every day life a bigger part of the lifestyle or do their dynamics have nothing to do with it?


I still don't understand what she said that was supposed to belittle him so much.  Some people are simply more open and not as guarded about what they say, often this leads to them sharing way too much information, but how was that so disrespectful to him?  Did she say "and this basterd can't take care of me anymore so I had to sell my car?" or did she mention that he was ill and they were having problems because of it?  One would be disrespectful and one would not be.

I think the reason you were accused of being judgmental is because you didn't just ask a question about relationships, rather right off the bat you started by calling him as a "supposed" dom.  That was rather disrespectful on your part.

What is intersting is your critique of their D/s relationship and asking isn't there supposed to be more, when you profile delegates everything to the level of, "I just a want a sexual slut, no relationship".  Some would say that marks you as just a part time kinky player rather than an actual dominant.

K

< Message edited by PlayfulOne -- 9/10/2006 11:02:10 AM >

(in reply to TheMightyBitch)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in th... - 9/10/2006 11:14:03 AM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TheMightyBitch

I'm just trying to gain insight on how people interact in the lifestyle. 

Though I was HIGHLY uncomfortable sitting there listening to a stranger tell methese things and put her spouse down in front of me.  I consider this badmanners.


Hello A/all,

The lifestyle contains people.  People all tend to have their own idiosyncratic quirks.

You state that you want to gain an insight into people in the lifestyle.  I would suggest you watch and observe and try to avoid thinking about why they are doing what they are doing.  In my opinion, insight into the "why" comes later; you might need to simply nonjudgementally observe the behavior of things in and out of their own environment.

Secondly, you state that you felt uncomfortable with what they were saying.  I would suggest you tell them that.  The general reason people dont express themselves is usually some idiotic societal idea that they dont want to make the other person feel uncomfortable.  I would suggest that why is it acceptable for them to make you feel uncomfortable, but not acceptable for you to be honest with them about your own feelings?

Just me, could be wrong, yadda yadda yadda

Sinergy

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(in reply to TheMightyBitch)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in th... - 9/10/2006 12:49:20 PM   
cynthiamarie


Posts: 205
Joined: 3/11/2005
From: Bluefield, WV, USA
Status: offline 		He might have trained her for "transparency" of feelings because he prefers her that way and doesn't have a problem with what she says, as long as she's expressing honest feelings and thoughts and knows who's boss. 

He might have preferred to let her vent without giving her a look either because it wasn't their style...or because he chose to give you a view of what things can go on inside a submissive's head that an owner has to deal with while NOT get sucked into the sub's emotional upset.  

Maybe being uncomfortable sometimes will help you learn and grow more, as well as making you really understand on more levels the reasons why some things are hard limits for you.  My own discomforts *rueful laugh* have taught me a lot.

When I first started, a wall I had to break through was...worrying about living up to other people's standards.  Then some natural arrogance kicked in, and my own standards became more important and I stopped feeling like I was in front of an audience.  After 20 years as Dom, and 5 years with his sub...he probably felt comfortable too.

Hm...if you gave off signals that you were uncomfortable and embarrassed, he might have enjoyed this...and just sat back and watched while seeming to be tuning out everything.  Some Doms have a wicked sense of humor that way.

Maybe next time say, "Please let's change the subject, I'm uncomfortable with this." 

(in reply to Sinergy)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in th... - 9/10/2006 1:42:02 PM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline 		Just out of curiosity, did you mention at any point in time that you were uncomfortable with the topic?

If so, and she continued, then it's a definite breech of manners, but that's it - it is not a reflection on their D/s dynamics, or on anyone else's D/s dynamics.  If you didn't, then you have no one to blame for the continued conversation but yourself.  If I'm not comfortable with a topic, I will often try to steer the conversation away from whatever the topic is, and if that isn't successful, then I will flat out say "I'm not comfortable with this topic, I'd rather discuss something else." 

(in reply to cynthiamarie)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in th... - 9/10/2006 1:49:38 PM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		It never ceases to amaze me how many tails wag the dog.

(in reply to SweetDommes)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 years in th... - 9/10/2006 2:19:36 PM   
Phoenixandnika


Posts: 748
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: Aberdeen Maryland
Status: offline 		My Master and I are very casual when in public, to the comman eye we are simply another couple. Though we have some subtle rituals or ways of showing submission in public they are just that subtle.
 
So in a "social" setting he would typically allow me to rattle on unless he felt that the conversation was inapproriate for the setting or because I was becoming untactful in some way.
 
That does not make him less of a dom, in my eyes that makes him a wonderful dom for ME. Remember what works for another couple, Dom/me or sub/slave may not work for YOU but no one is saying you have to be like them or that they have to be like you.
 
If it makes you uncomfortable I beleive you have a responsiblity to YOURSELF and politely say " this conversation makes me uncomfortable" to say nothing then bitch after the fact is tactless in MY eyes.





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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in th... - 9/10/2006 2:33:12 PM   
LordODiscipline


Posts: 995
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		Well -
 
In twenty years I would think that a grasp of the divergence in relational dynamics that people experience and participate in would have become evident in the beginning, allowing tat you would appreciate that they may manifest themselves in many ways.
 
I know a few couples (very few) where the top is hte subimssive, and the bottom is the dominant masochist in the relationship.

I know of one where the dominant is also into babyplay and the submissive plays his "Mommy" and changes his 'dirty diapers' on the week-ends - and, he 'wears the pants in that family'.

What people prefer and how they behave is always (eventually) how they want to behave and are most relaxed behaving. That whole entropic resultant allowing that people do that which is the least energy consuming (and,therefore the most comfortable) in the long run.
Judging their bahaviopr based on a prejudicial understanding of 'your ideal' is neither fair nor something we perverts can and/or should do (that whole 'pot kettle black' scenario).

Just one opinion

~J  

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(in reply to TheMightyBitch)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in th... - 9/10/2006 3:30:28 PM   
AbstractSavant


Posts: 149
Joined: 6/5/2005
Status: offline 		I know that I am the more talkative of my relationship, and my dominant often sits by quietly while I chat with others. If I started going off on our relationship, really personal stuff and talking up an ex...he'd probably listen to me do it, remember it and punish me for it later.

(in reply to LordODiscipline)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Behavior I saw from a supposed "20 yeras in th... - 9/10/2006 7:10:33 PM   
TheMightyBitch


Posts: 45
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline 		Again..........thanks for the wonderful insight from all of you. Each of you except offered me a new point of view to broaden my outlook on the lifestyle.

I think I was expecting the lifestyle to cure all that ails me, interpersonal relationships & society in general.

Let's just hope my high standards for my personal life are atainable and not some high falootin' fantasy world I want to live in. 

And Nasty I am most sorry for being a "newbie lesbain femdom" I will try to change because I know it bothers you so much.

(in reply to AbstractSavant)
Profile   Post #: 40
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