RE: Giving out your phone number (Full Version)

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juliaoceania -> RE: Giving out your phone number (9/21/2006 10:51:06 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: OhReallyNow

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

You are a man so I would expect that you would not feel as vulnerable as we women do. Unfortunately women have more to fear from men than vice versa. I am not afraid of my own shadow, but I do not leave myself completely open to harm either.. it is called common sense and street smarts, women who have them are victimized less than those who do not.

this slave was raised in an area overridden with gang activity 20 years ago, it is ten times worse now. She learned the hard way about protection of one self; yet, she finds your comment here offensive.
Many women are extremely careful about protecting themselves, yet, just because they trust their INSTINCTS does not mean that they lack common sense or street smarts. Let's face it, common sense and street smarts rely on instinct more than anything else.
 
of course this slave could have misread your words, in which case she apologizes.


My intent was not to offend, but those who are trained to look out for number one tend to do a better job of it

My Daddy teaches self defense and I will be taking the course myself once I move down there. It teaches women how to keep themselves from being victimized. It is not the victim's fault when someone harms them, but it is empowering to be able to do things that will help you evade that situation.

It is easy to take offense and to read things into another person's words that are not there, please try to remember that, because I never uttered the words that when people are victimized it is their fault, or that people that are prepared are never victimized. I said people with street smarts and common sense are victimized less. If you study how criminals pick their victims you would see there is a lot people can do to reduce their odds of becoming one.



justheather -> RE: Giving out your phone number (9/21/2006 11:10:43 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

You are a man so I would expect that you would not feel as vulnerable as we women do. Unfortunately women have more to fear from men than vice versa. I am not afraid of my own shadow, but I do not leave myself completely open to harm either.. it is called common sense and street smarts, women who have them are victimized less than those who do not.


I agree that women have to consider safety issues in a different way than men do.
One time, I met this guy (right here on cm, even) who told me he wanted me to meet him naked in a motel room for "inspection" but that he couldnt offer me any personal information about himself prior to the meeting because I could be setting him up to have his house robbed while he gropes me at the motel.
Yeah.
That's likely.
Think he got my number?

For me, it is completely a matter of listening to your intuition and trusting your instincts. I read a really good book several years back called Fear is a Gift. The point of the book was not that we should go around being afraid of everything but that we should pay attention to our bodies and our sense of intuition when a situation brings about feelings in us that leave us feeling icky inside.

I believe very strongly that a submissive who is looking for a dominant partner should focus during that time on herself more than on the dom she seeks. She should do whatever things she does to stay grounded and in touch with her intuiton even more than she normally does. Journaling, meditating, spending time in nature, creating music and art, anything she does to stay centered.

Relationships involve risk. There is no way around it. There is no list of shoulds and should nots that is going to guarantee our emotional and physical safety when we are meeting potential partners. But we do have this amazing gift of intuition, if only we would listen to it.

When I met my Daddy, we had exchanged a few emails over a couple of weeks and had progressed (newly) to chatting online. I was not really big on giving out my phone number, and had already explained to him that I was "not ready" to talk on the phone. We then proceeded to having what turned into a very poignant discussion, at a crucial point during which he simply typed

"what is your phone number".

This wasnt a ploy, it wasnt part of some great big plan, he just felt like he really wanted to hear my voice at this particular point and moreso he wanted me to hear his. I didnt even hesitate, I just gave him the number because the timing was right and it felt right in my gut. I didn't even stop to consider because there were no red flags, no icky feelings, no sense that a boundary was being affronted.

So, yeah, I believe that more than a policy on phone numbers what a submissive needs is a policy on being in touch with herself.

This, by the way, also happens to make one infinitely more desireable to the good ones out there.



juliaoceania -> RE: Giving out your phone number (9/21/2006 11:21:27 AM)

I absolutely agree heather, I played with my Daddy the first time we met, and i had never done that before him. I trusted him intuitively. But on the other side of the coin, intuition is not a perfect thing, so I cannot recommend others "trust their feelings" because many people have been hurt that did this too. Some people need firm boundaries, and that should be respected as not being "paranoid". I wonder how many of us have trusted the wrong person with disasterous consequences and our intuition did not warn us.

I see myself as having healthy normal boundaries, but at the same time I have lowered those boundaries for intuitive reasons... such as giving my landline to my Daddy before we met, and playing with him a few hours after we met... it worked out for me, someone else may not be that lucky.



justheather -> RE: Giving out your phone number (9/21/2006 11:35:01 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
it worked out for me, someone else may not be that lucky.

I do not believe it has anything to do with luck. I do believe that life presents us with lessons and challenges that are meant to direct us inward to find ways of coping and ultimately transcending difficulty. Someone may call that luck.

That is why I propose that submissive women who are seeking work on strengthening and developing their own intuition before they make the kinds of choices you and I have been able to make safely. I don't believe it was luck that my Daddy turned out to be the amazing creature he is and not some psycho out to get my phone number for purposes less-than-honorable. I don't believe you think you "got lucky" when you trusted your dom to the degree that you did and everything turned out ok.

I do agree that some people need to establish firm boundaries. I only wonder if those people are ready to entrust to a person the kind of power that a D/s relationship entails...if they are ready to choose a person worthy of that trust.

I guess my point is that rather than attempt to control for every variable (which we can't), it may be wiser to turn one's focus inward and work on developing one's skills at discernment, an act that ultimately will make a person a "better" (healthier, more stable, more grounded) submissive as well.

And Im not talking about perfection, here. Im talking about a general sense of self that is strong enough that boundaries are something that come naturally out of a healthy self-concept. I'm talking about not needing a book or another person to tell you "what's ok" or probably more acurately for most of us, not needing those things any more.

And Im certianly not saying don't have a relationship until you can do it with your eyes closed. I'm saying pay special attention to the inside of you as you go along the path and hopefully you will learn something deeper than memorizing someone else's rule on when to give out your phone number.



juliaoceania -> RE: Giving out your phone number (9/21/2006 11:41:46 AM)

I agree with you completely.,.. just to add that the boundaries in both our cases were healthy because they kept us safe until we did not need them anymore. My Daddy helps women set up boundaries that are based on intuition and to keep them in place and defend them. Like I had the boundary of not giving my phone number to just anyone right away,  I know of some "dominants" that demand numbers the first email..smiles. They lack healthy boundaries too in my mind

Thanks for the posts Heather, very insightful



justheather -> RE: Giving out your phone number (9/21/2006 11:56:06 AM)

It sounds like you have a smart Daddy.
(Smart Daddies like smart girls :-))



OhReallyNow -> RE: Giving out your phone number (9/21/2006 1:17:13 PM)

this is not a reply to anyone in general, just a general comment on the ongoing discussion
 
it took this slave 8 years to find another Master after her first Passed away. In the 8 years, she met many who most probably are very good people; she just never felt the connection with them that she felt was needed. When she first met Master ( yes she met him online ), she felt no hesitation what-so-ever after two emails, and one night spent talking in IM...she felt no hesitation in giving him her phone number. Her gut instinct said this was the one; she followed it. Master and his slave talked online and on the phone for several months before having a face to face meeting.
Our first face to face was in this slave's home; with her naked, waiting at the door for him. She felt no fear, no hesitation, no second thoughts as to whether or not she would be safe.
 
Would this slave recommend this for others. Absolutly not. But she would tell others to follow their instincts; to listen to their gut. Yes, sometimes it turns out that our instincts are not as reliable as we would like; but this slave truly believes that if one REALLY listens to what one feels ( and not just what they want to feel ), then instinct is 99% of the time right on target.
 
this slave does not believe that her ability to listen to what her instincts tell her has anything to do with her ability to protect herself; and everything to do with understanding herself; and trusting herself.
She understands what Julia is saying; even if she does not totally agree with her.



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