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RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/17/2006 1:54:33 PM

RedSavageSlave

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Fast reply:

I dont see "being needy" as such a bad thing but for crying out loud..if you are a "needy" personality dont go hooking up with someone who cannot give you what it is you need and then whine that THEY are in the wrong. Find the situation that will work for BOTH of you..

and I agree with Kyra.. that is such a great pic of you LT :)

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 21

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/17/2006 3:52:49 PM

swtsouthernsub

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oh I needed to read this thread
oh my goodness I'm a terrible needy mf then

_____________________________

DEBBIE
Messenger Of Truth
Let the words of my mouth and meditations of my heart,
be acceptable in thy sight O Lord my strength and redeemer
Psalms 19:14

Those with a closed mind live a sheltered life.

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)

Post #: 22

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/17/2006 4:08:41 PM

Celeste43

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From: NYS
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Neediness is incompatibility. If a dom only wants a five minute conversation on Thursday to set up a play date on Saturday but the sub in question wants to talk to him nightly for a half hour or more, then he will characterize her as needy. Same with high maintenance, nasty ways to say that somebody wants something from you that you can't give. All it really means is you're incompatible.

Now with us back when we were still LDR, we exchanged two emails a day, called a couple of times and usually ended the night with chat. To someone else, we might both have sounded needy but because this satisfied both our needs we were compatible.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 23

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/17/2006 4:43:40 PM

Caitriona

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When I think of someone being needy - I think of emotional "high maintenence" behavior. Someone who needs more attention than I can give without interrupting my life, so to speak. If someone can't function without constant attention/reassurance/ect. That's what comes to mind when I think of "needy."

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Post #: 24

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/17/2006 4:54:26 PM

swtsouthernsub

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Joined: 12/23/2004
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oh well then I'm not as needy as I thought thank god for that
I'd like to at least to be noticed and appreciated more so then I am and thats not needy is it ?

_____________________________

DEBBIE
Messenger Of Truth
Let the words of my mouth and meditations of my heart,
be acceptable in thy sight O Lord my strength and redeemer
Psalms 19:14

Those with a closed mind live a sheltered life.

(in reply to Caitriona)

Post #: 25

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/17/2006 5:57:42 PM

Amaros

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I've got a vicous co-dependent streak, so a little neediness is fine with me, I can think of a lot worse Joneses - some people might even call that love, you should need each other a little bit, although for a man, you can't get too maudlin. Though maybe not what you're talking about.

Hostile, irrational jealousy can be a deal breaker though, it's the really pathological form of neediness, IMO, and it's usually people who won't let the neediness show in more sociable ways.

< Message edited by Amaros -- 9/17/2006 6:13:43 PM >

(in reply to swtsouthernsub)

Post #: 26

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/17/2006 6:19:30 PM

ChelseaSalome

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Joined: 8/25/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedSavageSlave

Fast reply:

I dont see "being needy" as such a bad thing but for crying out loud..if you are a "needy" personality dont go hooking up with someone who cannot give you what it is you need and then whine that THEY are in the wrong. Find the situation that will work for BOTH of you..

and I agree with Kyra.. that is such a great pic of you LT :)

Wow, what you said.

I hadn't realized how needy I was until I was in a serious relationship with someone who had limited and unreliable time for me.
In the past, I had either found partners who were obsessed as well and wanted all my time, or who I wasn't that interested in and could blow off the first time they were"not being there for me"

This last one, however, I really love(moving into loved, cause its prolly over) so if nothing else, it's forced me to deal with my needy anxiety crap. However, I don't think it can ever go away completely, so finding someone who can tolerate it is probably the eventual outcome for me.

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)

Post #: 27

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/17/2006 6:23:42 PM

OhReallyNow

Posts: 249
Joined: 9/11/2006
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quote:

However, I don't think it can ever go away completely, so finding someone who can tolerate it is probably the eventual outcome for me.

when this slave first met Master, she expressed worry over her constant need for attention. Master told his slave that it was enjoyable to know that she thought that often of him. To this day (since we do live apart), she still sends him several emails a day, in addition to talking on the phone every morning and night. This is in addition to seeing each other at least 4 times a week

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(in reply to ChelseaSalome)

Post #: 28

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/17/2006 6:25:28 PM

Amaros

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I guess what I'm saying is that a little neediness is good, it makes me feel good to know I'm needed, part of the whole co-dependency thing, and you can't be entirely rational when it comes to love - it strikes me that it's really part of the whole D/s dynamic, and even relationships in general - otherwise, why not just beat off? I mean, other than the fascination for strange flesh.

Anyway, too much need can be a drag probobly, but I think a large part of love is letting people love themselves and love you, for letting them be themselves - even if it's a bit needy...

Something like that anyway.

It might also mean teaching or helping somebody not to be so needy, if that's possible, to be more self reliant, etc., which is a more selfless kind of love, I suppose, since you're teaching them not to need you.

I've given enough selfless love, I want to be selfish.

(in reply to Amaros)

Post #: 29

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/17/2006 6:26:43 PM

justheather

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Fast reply:

One thing that I think distinguishes a person with healthy needs vs a person who is "needy" is that the needy folks insist on being given a fish dinner even when a person attempts to teach them how to fish.
They do not have a true desire to learn skills that might enable them to meet some of their own needs.
A healthy person might recognize an area where she could be more self-sufficient and strive toward getting there. An unhealthy "needy" person will insist on looking outside herself to have her needs met.

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And paste me in that book you always carry.
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(in reply to ChelseaSalome)

Post #: 30

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/17/2006 6:51:53 PM

FirmhandKY

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Amaros

I guess what I'm saying is that a little neediness is good, it makes me feel good to know I'm needed, part of the whole co-dependency thing, and you can't be entirely rational when it comes to love - it strikes me that it's really part of the whole D/s dynamic, and even relationships in general - otherwise, why not just beat off? I mean, other than the fascination for strange flesh.

Anyway, too much need can be a drag probobly, but I think a large part of love is letting people love themselves and love you, for letting them be themselves - even if it's a bit needy...

Something like that anyway.

It might also mean teaching or helping somebody not to be so needy, if that's possible, to be more self reliant, etc., which is a more selfless kind of love, I suppose, since you're teaching them not to need you.

I've given enough selfless love, I want to be selfish.

Love is co-dependency.

FHky

_____________________________

Some people are just idiots.

(in reply to Amaros)

Post #: 31

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/17/2006 6:55:26 PM

KnightofMists

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Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: FirmhandKY

Love is co-dependency.

FHky

Personally I prefer the Loving dynamics of an Inter-dependent relationship over a co-dependency one.

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Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to FirmhandKY)

Post #: 32

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/17/2006 7:00:24 PM

FirmhandKY

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Joined: 9/21/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: FirmhandKY

Love is co-dependency.

FHky

Personally I prefer the Loving dynamics of an Inter-dependent relationship over a co-dependency one.

KoM,

I agree. Notice the smiley.

Just summing up.

FHky

_____________________________

Some people are just idiots.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 33

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/17/2006 7:35:21 PM

Amaros

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Joined: 7/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: FirmhandKY

Love is co-dependency.

FHky

Personally I prefer the Loving dynamics of an Inter-dependent relationship over a co-dependency one.

That's good when you're young and strong, and you're don't want to be tied down, but it seems to that the relationships that last involve a division of labor that borders on de facto dependency/co-dependency, but I supose there are a lot of factors involved.

You are right that inter-dependency is preferable: ideally, you should have and be working toward the same goals, and each pulling your weight, wheras co-dependency implies somebody so dependent they can't live without somebody else and/or are so helpless they can't hold up their end - and the co-dependent is usually intent on keeping them that way - which is pretty unhealthy.

I was pretty much co-dependent with my ex (alchohol - she needs people to buy her booze...), but then there were kids involved, and it was really them i was concerned about - now that I've managed to shuck her, I could give a rat about her problems except insofar as it concerns the kids - still, I hooked up with her in the first place, and it seems to be a pattern with me, hooking up with needy wenches - and she played me like that - by the time I figured it out, she was pregnant, the rest was grim duty with occasional bouts of rough sex. Don't regret it, necessarily, just don't want to repeat it. I still love her, in a way, but in small doses from a safe distance, you can't change people, I learned that the hard way.

I guess I just haven't managed to find the right sort of need - like somebody that needs a good spanking...

< Message edited by Amaros -- 9/17/2006 7:36:56 PM >

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 34

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/17/2006 7:52:44 PM

swtsouthernsub

Posts: 477
Joined: 12/23/2004
Status: offline

<perks> someone say needs a good spanking here I am and yes that is something I need

_____________________________

DEBBIE
Messenger Of Truth
Let the words of my mouth and meditations of my heart,
be acceptable in thy sight O Lord my strength and redeemer
Psalms 19:14

Those with a closed mind live a sheltered life.

(in reply to Amaros)

Post #: 35

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/17/2006 8:00:11 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Amaros
That's good when you're young and strong, and you're don't want to be tied down, but it seems to that the relationships that last involve a division of labor that borders on de facto dependency/co-dependency, but I supose there are a lot of factors involved.

mmmmmmm NO.... division of labour has nothing to do with Co-dependency. Secondly.. I have been in a relationship for 19 plus years with alandra and it is not a co-dependent relationship. We are inter-dependent... but if something should happen to one or the other.. you can be sure that either of us would carry on doing what needs to be done.

quote:

You are right that inter-dependency is preferable: ideally, you should have and be working toward the same goals, and each pulling your weight, wheras co-dependency implies somebody so dependent they can't live without somebody else and/or are so helpless they can't hold up their end - and the co-dependent is usually intent on keeping them that way - which is pretty unhealthy.

I agree...

quote:

I was pretty much co-dependent with my ex (alchohol - she needs people to buy her booze...), but then there were kids involved, and it was really them i was concerned about - now that I've managed to shuck her, I could give a rat about her problems except insofar as it concerns the kids - still, I hooked up with her in the first place, and it seems to be a pattern with me, hooking up with needy wenches - and she played me like that - by the time I figured it out, she was pregnant, the rest was grim duty with occasional bouts of rough sex. Don't regret it, necessarily, just don't want to repeat it. I still love her, in a way, but in small doses from a safe distance, you can't change people, I learned that the hard way.

you were an enabler and that is what sucked you into that Co-dependency cycle, something not so easy to break from.

quote:

I guess I just haven't managed to find the right sort of need - like somebody that needs a good spanking...

it's not just finding the right sort of need... It is being responsible of ones own needs and not taking on the responsibility of anothers. Again.. one does need to make distinctions between Need and Wants. Sometimes these are rather grey areas.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Amaros)

Post #: 36

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/17/2006 8:09:13 PM

ChainedExistence

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Joined: 2/5/2005
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There are times when neediness is more like a craving...you've been building a sense of anticipation for an event and the closer it gets, the more "needy" you become. It's somewhat like a child waiting for Christmas. She gets so excited and sometimes she can be a little much, but you know what it's about, and you can deal with it. Besides, it can be kind of fun to tease her with that present you can open..."in just a bit." Likewise, you can dangle the proverbial carrot before the the slave in the form of a naughty promises of what will happen later. :). Personally I LOVE being baited!
On the other hand, there's the annoying, whiny kind of "needy"- someone who is constantly demanding, but rarely satisfied. Their tiresome need wears on even the most patient person's nerves. They are attention vampires whose need sucks the very life out of a relationship,creating a vicious cycle that makes them need all the more. Early on, I would say that described me. I needed so much that I couldn't see anything beyond what I thought I had to have. I am certain I was more than a little offputting to various Doms that I spoke to. It was only when I gave up and really let go of trying to make someone else take care of those needs, that I could be more open and loving when the right person came along. When I quit letting all the focus be on me and what I thought I needed, then I was able to be a better submissive and slave. The funny part was, I did get the things I needed as a pleasant surprise.

(in reply to losttreasure)

Post #: 37

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/17/2006 8:10:32 PM

TemptingNviceSub

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To the OP..IMO neediness in the extreme has been characterized as a sort of vampiric nature whereas they suck their partner dry emotionally and mentally and still contintue to "need"...until you have nothing left to give.It usually comes down to a need on their partners part to escape this dynamic before they become a dried husk.And thus the needy vampire goes to the next relationship....Now if we are talking simple needs or sometimes life taking a swat at us and thus we require more than per usual time, attention whatever then that is just par for the course in any relationship.Tempting

(in reply to swtsouthernsub)

Post #: 38

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/17/2006 8:13:51 PM

TemptingNviceSub

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LOL..sorry chained existence..we posted at same time .....and I can see we viewed it somewhat the same way...did not mean to repeat ...be well...Tempting

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 39

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/17/2006 8:16:20 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: FirmhandKY

I agree. Notice the smiley.

Just summing up.

FHky

That is how I understood your post.

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Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to FirmhandKY)

Post #: 40

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