RE: A Question About Being Needy...

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: A Question About Being Needy...

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: A Question About Being Needy...

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3] 4 5 next > >>

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/17/2006 8:20:24 PM

ChainedExistence

Posts: 507
Joined: 2/5/2005
Status: offline

Tempting, Ha! Personally I love it when someone else sees my point ( I'm convinced I'm right most of the time! )No need to apologize...just goes to show that no one is ever as original and clever as they think they are. Darn...I always TRY !

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Profile

Post #: 41

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/17/2006 8:44:29 PM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: losttreasure

“Neediness” is brought up quite often in the threads... usually with great derision... when the discussion turns to long distance relationships, abandonment issues relating to trust, and separation anxiety.

But what exactly is “being needy”? How is it that you would identify someone as being needy, or, if you consider yourself to be needy, why?

The way I relate to the word needy, it doesnt equate to being 'in need' of something, in and of itself.

Neediness to me is more of a desperation, an insecurity, or when someone appears to be overly hungry for something that continuously eludes them. I can sense it right away when a dominant male approaches and its a huge turn off. Its almost like they are too clingy and desperate.

Myself? No, Im not needy at all. I dont have the need to place expectations or demands on someone's life.

_____________________________

marie.

I give good agita.

(in reply to losttreasure)

Profile

Post #: 42

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/17/2006 9:43:22 PM

FirmhandKY

Posts: 8948
Joined: 9/21/2004
Status: offline

Amaros,

Sometimes the "good needy" can turn into the "bad needy".

I have been in one of those relationships. It didn't really start out bad at all. It started out in something that I was very happy with - a strong, beautiful yet seemingly submissive woman (this was in the days before the 'net and we didn't call ourselves dom and sub - we just were) who took on challenges with me yet deferred to me in all the right areas, and in the right times.

But things changed, and I had the same commitments that you are talking about. I stayed in the relationship for a long time, primarily because of those small creatures we had produced together, and because, partially of my own "white knight" syndrome (which I have, but control quite nicely, thank you).

But you can't satiate a vampire. When you die, they just discard the husk, and move on to the next victim. You can't "fix" them, you can't make them happy, you can - at best - survive.

Simple survival by itself isn't adequate for the soul.

I think there is a difference between neediness, and reassurance. "Neediness" is a void in a persons heart that can never be filled. Reassurance is something that we all need from time to time, and in different degrees based on our experiences in life.

Recognizing the difference can sometimes be tricky, especially the younger, and less experienced we are with such things.

But I often believe (belief: something someone holds to be true without "facts") that many doms who are always complaining that most subs are "too needy" are simply reflecting back their own "neediness". They need to not have to confront life's problems, or their sub's problems. They need to not take responsibility for the whole personality. They need to have a perfect, trouble-free relationship such as only exists in their minds.

I think there needs to be a balance.

FHky

_____________________________

Some people are just idiots.

(in reply to marieToo)

Profile

Post #: 43

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/17/2006 9:53:54 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FirmhandKY

But I often believe (belief: something someone holds to be true without "facts") that many doms who are always complaining that most subs are "too needy" are simply reflecting back their own "neediness". They need to not have to confront life's problems, or their sub's problems. They need to not take responsibility for the whole personality. They need to have a perfect, trouble-free relationship such as only exists in their minds.

FHky

Your post speaks to me on several levels but the part I left is the one I wanted to address. I have this belief that we walk around in life learning lessons, and until we learn the lesson that someone represents on that soul level that lesson keeps getting repeated. So if all a person finds is needy partners over and over again that says more about them then it does about the needy ones they find that were sent to them to teach them. Yes, the person that is the "white knight" has trouble when he encounters a woman that does not need fixing and will gravitate to those who do. I was seriously involved with such a man for over 3 years that with the exception of me always finds these sorts... we have remained friends so I know he still does..smiles.

When we grow and mature we find that our lessons just keep coming back.. just wearing a different skirt or a different pair of pants... it is really up to us to change that.

Thanks for your words FHK

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 9/17/2006 9:54:06 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to FirmhandKY)

Profile

Post #: 44

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/17/2006 10:18:25 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FirmhandKY

But you can't satiate a vampire. When you die, they just discard the husk, and move on to the next victim. You can't "fix" them, you can't make them happy, you can - at best - survive.

Simple survival by itself isn't adequate for the soul.

Back several years ago, I had another girl join alandra and I. In hindsight, I should of seen the signs but I took her in and paid a dear price for my experiences. I struggled with keeping myself out of the enabler mode and often I slipped and was pulled into the cycle. It was an incredibly volatile relationship. A short term peace was only gained when she got what she wanted at the moment.. but those moments where very short.. however... that short term peace was far from giving me life.. in fact it was sucking it out of me. It was extremely difficult but the more I kept the hardline.. the happier I became in my life even thou she was using all sorts of manipulative and persuasive methods to get what she wanted.

When it finally became apparent to her that I wasn't going to feed her vampiric needs... she looked for her next victim. It is rather ironic that she played herself the victim to anyone that listened.. and listened they did. It has been about two years since she has been out of my house and since then she has been though another and is with a third. Before me... I know of another 2 and i suspect very possibly 4 in the preceding 10 years.

It is ironic that the relationship that I should of avoided has been so useful in deeping my understanding on so many issues that are contributing to my happiness with myself and my girls. I survived..... and have prospered from the experiences. However, I wish I would of learned them from an easier way

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to FirmhandKY)

Profile

Post #: 45

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/17/2006 10:33:13 PM

amayos

Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: losttreasure

“Neediness” is brought up quite often in the threads... usually with great derision... when the discussion turns to long distance relationships, abandonment issues relating to trust, and separation anxiety.

But what exactly is “being needy”? How is it that you would identify someone as being needy, or, if you consider yourself to be needy, why?

Need of a slave is crucial. She needs her Master; to hear his voice, to feel him, to be held and formed by his will and by his hands. She is thirsty, restless and craving in her heart for his touch, or his smile—even his venom, if need be. She feels naked without him. At his feet, she is safe and free from a pitiful, puling world and the filth of the ordinary. In service, her most mundane acts are sanctified; she is given purpose. She is made whole. She is truly caught, and this is what makes her a slave.

(in reply to losttreasure)

Profile

Post #: 46

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/18/2006 12:08:45 AM

CrappyDom

Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

They are needy when they cannot internalize a lovers actions or words.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Profile

Post #: 47

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/18/2006 12:15:46 AM

Amaros

Posts: 1363
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FirmhandKY

Amaros,

Sometimes the "good needy" can turn into the "bad needy".

I have been in one of those relationships. It didn't really start out bad at all. It started out in something that I was very happy with - a strong, beautiful yet seemingly submissive woman (this was in the days before the 'net and we didn't call ourselves dom and sub - we just were) who took on challenges with me yet deferred to me in all the right areas, and in the right times.

But things changed, and I had the same commitments that you are talking about. I stayed in the relationship for a long time, primarily because of those small creatures we had produced together, and because, partially of my own "white knight" syndrome (which I have, but control quite nicely, thank you).

But you can't satiate a vampire. When you die, they just discard the husk, and move on to the next victim. You can't "fix" them, you can't make them happy, you can - at best - survive.

Simple survival by itself isn't adequate for the soul.

I think there is a difference between neediness, and reassurance. "Neediness" is a void in a persons heart that can never be filled. Reassurance is something that we all need from time to time, and in different degrees based on our experiences in life.

Recognizing the difference can sometimes be tricky, especially the younger, and less experienced we are with such things.

But I often believe (belief: something someone holds to be true without "facts") that many doms who are always complaining that most subs are "too needy" are simply reflecting back their own "neediness". They need to not have to confront life's problems, or their sub's problems. They need to not take responsibility for the whole personality. They need to have a perfect, trouble-free relationship such as only exists in their minds.

I think there needs to be a balance.

FHky

Hah, as I say I learned that the hard way, nothing short of my utter destruciton would satiate that bloodsucker. It was quite a trial - I learned a long time ago how corrosive hatred can be, and it took real discipline not to hate her.

I'm nothing like the same person I was then, emotionally - although there I was a half an hour ago pulling a chick just like her - I have a weakness for "in'dn" chicks, skin like fucking butter - but I managed to walk away, her telling me about her ex, it was deja vu, the fights, the make up sex - I need a partner, always have, and I can't keep putting my kids through that, so I guess I'm off the crazy ass Indians.

I do like strong women, a little wild, shit, fucking batshit, I don't care - I mean, I'm an iconoclast, always have been, and it takes a very strong or marginally insane person to live that, or somebody with no, or very little ego, nothing to lose, so naturally, the field is a little narrow, further narrowed by the exclusion of tweeties, alkies and psychos.

Quite a quandry, but I'm not in any mood to compromise.

(in reply to FirmhandKY)

Profile

Post #: 48

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/18/2006 1:21:57 AM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

I think it is pretty obvious on this thread people see need - any need - as a weakness.

That is why you always get the grand detrimental remarks, derision and chastising remarks.

I have to second both ownedgirlie and agirls responses.

Neediness is incredibly subjective, and I think anyone deriding another for having any kind of need or looking down on them for being needy as not worth the time of day.

Yes of course there is a negative side of neediness, but only if your too weak to control it.

Ok - so that sounds harsh. But if you don't have the strength to control need, then you walk away. Don't stand there making the need more noticable by deriding - to me that shows nothing more than some insecure 'I am stronger' stance. And thats just bollocks.(God my british accents showing)

I am needy. Don't like that?

Everyone is needy. Most of these responses react as if having needs is some horrible flaw. Reality is, it takes great strength and knowing oneself to the core, to be able to admit and announce it (so - I am not modest). It shows great weakness IMO to not understand it and respect that in others.

A need, is something you cannot be or function without. ood and water are needs, so don't anyone tell me they have never 'needed'.

You cannot be someones submissive without the 'neediness' to have a dominant. And visa versa.

A slave cannot exist without a Master - and visa versa.

You can have the traits, and the desires and the personality to be anything you want to be - but without the other half of that 'need' - you can want them and feel them, but you will never be without it.

Why do you get so many times the phrase 'I am now complete'... 'I am now whole'. I have seen that written by people who have responded to this thread at the negativity of 'need'... so people are obviously aware of it, just too damn proud and often scared to admit it because need has such a negative vibe.

You want it to be negative and don't have the strength to make need positive? Then the only person you have to blame is yourself.

Peace and Rapture

And on a side note...

quote:

ORIGINAL: amayos

Need of a slave is crucial. She needs her Master; to hear his voice, to feel him, to be held and formed by his will and by his hands. She is thirsty, restless and craving in her heart for his touch, or his smile—even his venom, if need be. She feels naked without him. At his feet, she is safe and free from a pitiful, puling world and the filth of the ordinary. In service, her most mundane acts are sanctified; she is given purpose. She is made whole. She is truly caught, and this is what makes her a slave.

Absolutely beautiful.

Peace and Rapture

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to losttreasure)

Profile

Post #: 49

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/18/2006 2:01:05 AM

FirmhandKY

Posts: 8948
Joined: 9/21/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

They are needy when they cannot internalize a lovers actions or words.

huh?

_____________________________

Some people are just idiots.

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Profile

Post #: 50

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/18/2006 2:09:48 AM

FirmhandKY

Posts: 8948
Joined: 9/21/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

... she was using all sorts of manipulative and persuasive methods to get what she wanted.

I think this is the key.

As long as the "neediness" is filled willingly, and happily, then it's a "balanced relationship". When it starts to become based on one person's manipulation and emotional blackmail, then it has slide over into the destructive and unhealthy.

I think several of us are talking at cross-definitions, as well. I see a clear distinction between reassurance, and "neediness", but some posters seem to use the two words inter-changeably.

If you have ever lived through what KoM and I are talking about, the differences become quite stark.

FHky

_____________________________

Some people are just idiots.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Profile

Post #: 51

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/18/2006 3:11:47 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

Another aspect to this is the fear of *loss*. It can drive people to desperate behaviour that cripples them and those around them. Some people find the thought of *loss* consuming and live with the constant fear of it happening.

Being told * I'll NEVER leave you* will not be enough....there aren't any guarantees in life that can assure a relationship will last *forever* and that fact is harder for some to face than others. Including me.

agirl

(in reply to FirmhandKY)

Profile

Post #: 52

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/18/2006 5:10:05 AM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: darkinshadows

I think it is pretty obvious on this thread people see need - any need - as a weakness.
That is why you always get the grand detrimental remarks, derision and chastising remarks.

I personally process the word neediness as a negative. However, it is crucial to note that in my case, I do not see 'having needs' as being synonymous with 'neediness'.

Its all good to need care, to need a connection, to need to give, to need love, to need another person in your life, to need to feel whole, etc etc. Thats just having needs. Technically, if we hit the dictionary, having needs is the same as neediness in its most literal sense, (I think).   So maybe a different word should be chosen for what some of us are describing (KoM, myself etc).

I was married to someone needy. He was insecure and needed continual reassurance from me. He was jealous if I was taken up in front of my easel while he watched TV. I have no interest in watching television and went through a period of time when I wanted to paint every day. It wouldnt matter if we had dinner together and talked and did other things together. If I parted from his company for a couple of hours, while he was in a different room, he was actually insecure about it. He wanted me right next to him, dare I not have an interest outside of him. It made him jealous. He was smothering and over bearing, his grip was so tight that I couldnt breath, because he needed a continual show that I loved him, or desired him. Talking to him, being married to him, spending time with him, cooking for him and all the things that a wife does, was not enough. If I did anything that wasnt revolving around him, he got scared. I stopped wearing make up because every time I had make up on, he thought I was going out to cheat on him. "why are you wearing make up, where are you going"? He needed to be on top of me all the time. He was insecure. He was "in need" of continuous assurance from me.  This, to me, is neediness. Its not attractive, its not ok, and its not going to promote a long lasting healthy relationship. Its going to be a detriment.

I do not see "any need" as a weakness. Im not sure who you are refering to when you say this, but I was one of the people who spoke of neediness as a negative.

You are incorrect when you state for everyone what they see, and why they see it and why they have expressed the opinions that they have.

< Message edited by marieToo -- 9/18/2006 5:15:34 AM >

_____________________________

marie.

I give good agita.

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Profile

Post #: 53

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/18/2006 6:05:31 AM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: amayos
She is thirsty, restless and craving in her heart for his touch, or his smile—even his venom, if need be.

You must be stopped.

_____________________________

marie.

I give good agita.

(in reply to amayos)

Profile

Post #: 54

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/18/2006 6:14:29 AM

spankmepink11

Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline

I think eyesopened made an excellent point. The term "neediness" , as it pertains to relationships, might very well signify , very simply, that one partner is not able/willing/? to engage in the behaviour the other partner believes is essential to their happiness.
I have been in relationships where i was considered the needy one, as well as having partners who i considered too needy (usually vanilla). So maybe it's not a question of what the other person needs, but what we are, or are not, willing to give of ourselves.

Neediness in regards to basic needs such as food, shelter, etc...etc...is a horse of another color entirely..

(in reply to marieToo)

Profile

Post #: 55

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/18/2006 6:46:48 AM

littlechameleon

Posts: 22
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

I’m needy. I have severe abandonment issues. I spend a lot of time feeling like I don’t ‘measure up.” I do not suck the life out of my Master nor anyone in my life. I do not expect or demand constant reassurance. In fact, I’m not so sure these are characteristics of being ‘needy’ at all.

I’m not sure once you have these issues, they can ever be fully cured or fixed. But they don’t need to be debilitating either. I spend a lot of time being a victim of my own thoughts and emotions. I call them spiraling moments. So, I cry. I journal. I email my Master to tell him i miss him.

He knows I have issues. No, most of the time, he chooses not to indulge them. But, for example, if he is going away on business, he might say to me, “I’ll be back in 3 days, I’m not deserting you, don’t be a drama queen.” Its enough – to make me smile and to also reassure me enough so that I wont be walking around the house for 3 days, unable to breathe and wondering if he is going to forget how special I am while he is gone.

My neediness and abandonment issues have also played a big part in my character, in the way I view certain things. I value people. I appreciate the smallest things. It inspires me to reach out and to help others. To make people feel good because I’m well aware of how it is to feel bad. I make sure people know how important they are to me.

As with anything, there are many facets to neediness and how you allow it to effect you. I’m still learning how to be alone. I’m still learning how to soothe myself. I’m still in the process of convincing myself that I am not the center of the universe ( even in my head.) That people’s happiness or lack of is not about me and something I did or didn’t do. And vise versa.

(in reply to spankmepink11)

Profile

Post #: 56

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/18/2006 7:30:15 AM

Nimkii

Posts: 67
Joined: 11/22/2004
Status: offline

When I run into needy I will deal with it. Finding someone who actually delivers on what they say is far more difficult.

(in reply to littlechameleon)

Profile

Post #: 57

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/18/2006 9:34:07 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

dark,

Most equate "needy" with some like vision of a girl clinging to her Master's leg, being dragged across the floor as he heads toward the door, and crying, "Don't leeeeeeeeeeeeave me!!!"

That is not the neediness you and I are speaking of. It is not the neediness described in Amayos' post, which, by the way, basically described my life.

I can not sum it up any better than he did, so I will stop here. It is good to see that others understand how my heart beats, however. I am glad you posted.

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Profile

Post #: 58

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/18/2006 9:54:28 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo
I personally process the word neediness as a negative. However, it is crucial to note that in my case, I do not see 'having needs' as being synonymous with 'neediness'.

You are processing it based on your experiences. As I mentioned in my first post, there is indeed a negative, unhealthy neediness, but it is not the only neediness.

You can say yes, we all need food to survive. It is considered one of our "basic needs." We need the vitamins and minerals they provide, in their purest form. What happens when you are without? You become needy for it. You hunger for food, for nurishment, craving its flavor, the strength it provides, the sustinance you receive from it. When without too long, you begin to whither. You may go for a long time without, too. You might find supplements, or energy drinks here and there, which allow you to limp along until you can finally feed from the real thing. You might be able to get by in life, but you certainly are not soaring, and living your full potential. You will always have that underlying ache, which never ceases from distracting you.

This is the neediness I speak of. Neediness is the expression of a need. The problem is, unfortunately, many express neediness for those things which are not needs. Maybe that's when we see the negative behavior being so widely expressed in this thread.

(in reply to marieToo)

Profile

Post #: 59

RE: A Question About Being Needy... - 9/18/2006 11:23:37 AM

SweetShandra

Posts: 2
Joined: 6/18/2006
Status: offline

This is something that I've been struggling with myself because due to a recent breakup I've been wondering if I was too needy. The responses I read here seemed to reassure me that I hadn't been. Needy seems to be defined as excessive amounts of reassurance and/or contact. Somehow I don't view phone calls that tell me when he is leaving town, or letting me know how he is doing every other day as being needy. I viewed it as communication, and it was something we lacked. I won't get too off-topic here and into that, all I really wanted to say was thank you for helping me understand "needy" better.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Profile

Post #: 60