gypsygrl
Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline
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The lack of consensus concerning what 'bd/sm' and D/s causes me a lot of confusion. Adding a list of other fetishes only compounds the issue. To me, bd/sm refers to a series of physical activities that may or may not involve sexual intimacy while D/s refers to the psychological and emotional dynamic of power exchange. Like bd/sm, D/s may or may not involve sexual intimacy. The two can, and often are, combined to good effect as probably most of the people participating in this discussion probably know.
As I understand it, bd/sm involves a variety of activities whereas D/s is a way of interacting with other people. I am always submissive and, unless I make a conscious effort not to, frequently relate to others as a submissive. This is true in all areas of my life. In contrast, I am not always engaging in bd/sm. To be sure, its something I rarely do because, no matter how much I enjoy a good flogging, my circumstances doesn't permit me to chase that particular bliss.
I would like to see greater awareness and self-reflection on what it is that each of us does, because we are not all doing the same thing. I appreciate formality and some protocols because they help me maintain internal boundaries and, ironically enough, make me more powerful by providing a structure for me to work within. I am not a "anything goes" kind of person and tend to become dysfunctional in an environment that supports that. I relate this to my submissive personality: the rules, the formality, the structure, the protocols provide direction when there is no specific Dominant to look to and, when there is a Dominant in my life, help me to feel more secure in my interactions with him.
In my mind, D/s is not compatible with an eqality-based style of interaction. While I can repress my submissivness, and maintain neutral head space, it takes work and I don't like it. I take offense when I see equality oriented people making comments or interacting in a way that assumes everyone operates from such a perspective. Often I see predictable submissive behavior disparaged and mocked (such as when a submissive moves too fast into a relationship or is acting from a frenzied state, or when they are criticized for not being able to let go of an obviously bad relationship) and it disturbs me. Its not necessary to coddle a submissive and I think they should be held to a high standard of being responsible for and owning their actions, but I also think people need to remember that the world appears differently to different people, and we all don't look through the same lens.
This was a real issue for me at a mixed swinger-bd/sm event when I got involved with a scene that by vanilla standards was consensual (I said yes and didn't make any attempt to stop the scene once it started) but involved what felt to me a total disregard of my limits. At one point in the scene, one of the tops bit me, something I never would have consented to because of the danger of disease. Because I had never been to such an event, and had always done much more explicit negotiation, where you positively consent to everything that happens, I was totally floored by the whole thing. Because I was in subspace, I didnt even know I was floored until several hours later. Needless to say, I've learned to be very careful to find out in advance where individuals are coming from and what particular subculture they identify with and what their standards of negotiations are.
Those are my thoughts. :)
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RE: Watered down BDSM - 
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