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Mentor - 9/21/2006 10:18:41 AM

Dnomyar

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It amazes me on far apart peole on here are on certain subjects. Mentoring is one of them. Some people praise them others have nothng good to say about them. Please give me your opinoin on Mentor's

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RE: Mentor - 9/21/2006 10:20:34 AM

BrutalAntipathy

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The term useless as tits on a boar hog comes to mind.

(in reply to Dnomyar)

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RE: Mentor - 9/21/2006 10:22:45 AM

Yang4yin

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It depends on how you define Mentor...

Somebody you trust and can go to for good advice? I'm all for that!

(in reply to Dnomyar)

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RE: Mentor - 9/21/2006 10:24:47 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Reposted:

Mentoring is for giving advice, NOT making rules. Mentoring is to make the sub MORE independent in her judgement, not more dependent on YOU.

90% of the time "mentors" in the scene are really just doms-being-patient and using their "mentoring" as a way to make the sub feel safe enough to trust them and then lay the groundwork to become their dom. And, for a large part, subs use "mentors" as a "person who will take care of things so I don't have to."

I don't see a reason for mentoring in terms of any "official arrangement" when it comes to bdsm or Ds. As always, if a sub can trust her judgement, she doesn't need a mentor, and if a sub can't trust her judgement, then she can't be trusted to choose a good mentor.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_519882/mpage_1/key_mentoring/tm.htm#519990
What exactly is a mentor supposed to do for/with a submissive?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_95421/mpage_1/key_mentors/tm.htm#95421
Mentors/Protectors for newbies dom/domme?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_139851/mpage_1/key_mentors/tm.htm#139851
Out of my depth, patience and its virtues

http://www.collarchat.com/m_149477/mpage_1/key_mentors/tm.htm#149477
My advice for novice female submissives

http://www.collarchat.com/m_210166/mpage_1/key_mentors/tm.htm#210166
Mentors, what are they and how do they help?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_283883/mpage_1/key_mentors/tm.htm#283883
Mentors

http://www.collarchat.com/m_493886/mpage_1/key_mentors/tm.htm#493886
Mentors (2)

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(in reply to Dnomyar)

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RE: Mentor - 9/21/2006 10:27:34 AM

Yang4yin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

As always, if a sub can trust her judgement, she doesn't need a mentor, and if a sub can't trust her judgement, then she can't be trusted to choose a good mentor.

Good point!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

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RE: Mentor - 9/21/2006 10:30:05 AM

MrDiscipline44

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I think it's a good idea for reasons posted. New people should have someone they can go to to ask questions and help get a feel for the local community. I disagree with people that think it is a way to find a submissive for themselves. I'm not a fan of the bait and switch tactics.

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Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

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RE: Mentor - 9/21/2006 10:31:12 AM

SirDiscipliner69

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

90% of the time "mentors" in the scene are really just doms-being-patient and using their "mentoring" as a way to make the sub feel safe enough to trust them and then lay the groundwork to become their dom. And, for a large part, subs use "mentors" as a "person who will take care of things so I don't have to."

AMEN!

You do not know how many times I have been in communications with a submissive who says she is just being mentored only to find initially to My surprise years ago that the were later involved with..had sex with as they were there for comforting and advice.

As the years went on every time I saw the mentor being mentioned I knew it was time to just move on.

Yes mentors were a means of screening email messages as to "protect" the submissives from the very things they later did to them...hehehe..go figure..

A rose by any other name is still a.... ;)

Dress it up...paint it...it still is what it is...

Ross

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

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RE: Mentor - 9/21/2006 10:31:43 AM

juliaoceania

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The people that have mentored me in life rarely needed that title, it just kinda happened. I feel that if someone asks me things and I am helpful to them I have mentored them in a way.

Mentor is a pronoun and a verb, people should put more emphasis on doing the verb and less on taking on the pronoun as a part of their identity. I certainly do not want to be one, nor do I need one... although many have mentored me (and not in the context of Ds either)

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Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Dnomyar)

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RE: Mentor - 9/21/2006 10:39:57 AM

ericstanton

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I have mentored both in and out of the 'lifestyle' for many years. In the vanilla world its around self esteem and 'lifeskills'.
Within BDSM I tend to mentor only people who are some distance away so that ulterior motives can be ruled out - I rarely meet them though on occarion I have acted as chaperone for their first munch or two. Im just available, usually by phone for when questions need answers or difficulties arrise.. Its nice to see them a year or two down the line happily playing in a club.

(in reply to Dnomyar)

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RE: Mentor - 9/21/2006 10:40:58 AM

bignipples2share

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The way I would think of a mentor is in this example: If I need instruction on giving a spanking, it would be the person who would take the time to show me the proper technique, but not on me. They have the knowledge. I could ask questions. I would be able to practice on some inate object until I was ready to actually do this on a live subject.
This is a great place to get information, but when it comes to the practical application, I think that having a mentor is the way to go.
I may be misunderstaning what others think a mentor is, but this has been my understanding.

~Big

(in reply to Yang4yin)

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RE: Mentor - 9/21/2006 10:45:08 AM

raiken

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To me a mentor is a guide, someone who has advice to offer because they had an experience that i have yet to encounter. A mentor can be a friend, a family member, a teacher, another student, another dom or sub, etc. Personal mentoring as it is used in the lifestyle is often misused and abused by those claiming said title. It is also abused and misued by those claiming to *need* a mentor. If adults are not able to manage themselves regarding their relationship choices, then all the mentors in the world won't help them in that area.

Now this is not to say that all who claim to mentor and need a mentor are like this. But on the whole, i have found that most are full of it and misuse or twist the meaning of the term mentor to suit themselves and their often selfish desires.

(in reply to Dnomyar)

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RE: Mentor - 9/21/2006 10:50:47 AM

BrutalAntipathy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: bignipples2share

The way I would think of a mentor is in this example: If I need instruction on giving a spanking, it would be the person who would take the time to show me the proper technique, but not on me. They have the knowledge. I could ask questions. I would be able to practice on some inate object until I was ready to actually do this on a live subject.
This is a great place to get information, but when it comes to the practical application, I think that having a mentor is the way to go.
I may be misunderstaning what others think a mentor is, but this has been my understanding.

~Big

This is one of the many reasons that I am opposed to mentors in general. Not every person involved in BDSM has experience with everything. For example, if you are interested in electro and your ' mentor has never messed with it, the person is not helpful. Not only that, if they have never used electro it may be because they have some bias against it... a bias that they may try and impart upon you. No single person has experience in every single aspect of BDSM. A community is far more likely to have members that have covered more bases than any single person. A group of people is also far more likely to give you a broad outlook and a variety of opinions, whereas with a single mentor you are limited to their view.

You have the internet at your disposal, and the odds are good that most people can find a group to associate with. Even if the group is tiny, the opinions and experiences of a half dozen people are considerably better than that of an individual. With so many resources avaliable, the idea of restricting yourself to a single person's views is counterproductive. I'm tellin' ya, tits on a boar hog.

(in reply to bignipples2share)

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RE: Mentor - 9/21/2006 10:53:44 AM

Dnomyar

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If a woman can't trust her judgement to find a good mentor then how can she trust it to find a good Domme? A lot of people assume that a Mentor is in it for the sex. That same assumption can also be applied to a Dom/Domme they mentor also. The question wasnt about sex.

(in reply to raiken)

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RE: Mentor - 9/21/2006 10:58:30 AM

crouchingtigress

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I think it is a wonderful tradition, I think alot can be gained by having some one to speak candidly to , who has been there, who understands the enormity of the challenges you are trying to take on...but i also feel that mentors work best when it is a Dom teaching a Dom an sub teaching a sub....

Never have i seen a Dom /sub mentor relationship that was not clouded by alterior motives.

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RE: Mentor - 9/21/2006 11:04:54 AM

BlueHnS

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Mayhap I'm using the wrong word when I offer to "mentor" someone. The way I view the whole situation is me being but one of many stepping stones in the journey this person is taking. My only goal is to help them better identify where they wish to be. I will work with them and provide reference to all the relevent resources I can get my hands on. If I don't have them I almost always have a friend who does. I'm very clear in stating I am a resource.
On the flip side when we creatures called human beings get to know one another so intimately, biggest fears, darkest desires or whatever, stronger emotions do tend to develop. I don't necessarily believe that in every case it is simply a Dom/me in waiting. Sometimes it is difficult to keep that objectivity in place because of the human factor.

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I think I'm going to get off. ~ The Poet

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RE: Mentor - 9/21/2006 11:13:40 AM

bignipples2share

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BrutalAntipathy

This is one of the many reasons that I am opposed to mentors in general. Not every person involved in BDSM has experience with everything. For example, if you are interested in electro and your ' mentor has never messed with it, the person is not helpful. Not only that, if they have never used electro it may be because they have some bias against it... a bias that they may try and impart upon you. No single person has experience in every single aspect of BDSM. A community is far more likely to have members that have covered more bases than any single person. A group of people is also far more likely to give you a broad outlook and a variety of opinions, whereas with a single mentor you are limited to their view.

You have the internet at your disposal, and the odds are good that most people can find a group to associate with. Even if the group is tiny, the opinions and experiences of a half dozen people are considerably better than that of an individual. With so many resources avaliable, the idea of restricting yourself to a single person's views is counterproductive. I'm tellin' ya, tits on a boar hog.

This is true, but then you wouldn't have this person as a mentor to teach you electro-play.
Even those within a group are going to give you some sort of bias and that bias factor goes up as the size of the group goes down.
I, of course, would not have as a mentor, someone who is totally against using floggers, if that was what I was wanting to learn. I see a mentor as a type of teacher, and as such, does not mean that I can't have several teachers/instuctors at one time. For me, it's not a sexual process, but a how to process.
I would also consider those at any party that were offering instruction, a mentor, if they're good and were good at what they do. Just because someone says they are, doesn't make them good at it. I would have to decide for myself if they are, or are not, same with any tutor on any subject.

~Big

(in reply to BrutalAntipathy)

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RE: Mentor - 9/21/2006 11:19:43 AM

bignipples2share

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I have no personal knowledge of Dom/Sub mentoring working, or not, besides what I've seen on these boards, but I'm in agreement and think it would be best in the way you've stated, Dom/Dom and sub/sub mentoring.

~Big

< Message edited by bignipples2share -- 9/21/2006 11:20:43 AM >

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

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RE: Mentor - 9/21/2006 11:27:09 AM

bignipples2share

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

The question wasnt about sex.

Good thing, 'cause think I got that part covered already LMAO

~Big

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RE: Mentor - 9/21/2006 11:36:04 AM

ayasha

Posts: 149
Joined: 12/10/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

It amazes me on far apart peole on here are on certain subjects. Mentoring is one of them. Some people praise them others have nothng good to say about them. Please give me your opinoin on Mentor's

Let's see, would one rather be in bondage and at someone's mercy with their singletail, whips, etc by someone that learned from a Mentor; or by someone that was self-taught because they are so Domly they don't 'need' anyone teaching them about pressure points; watching their technique and making suggestions; etc.

Well, would one rather go to a 'doctor' that got his knowledge online and forged a diploma and license? Or would one rather go to a doctor that had been through medical school and actually had instructors teach him the proper methods/techniques?

It has been one's experience that those that put down Mentoring are those that lack the self-confidence and/or self-esteem to accept any guidance themselves - surely there is not another human being that could teach them anything.

If two Dominants wanted to play with this one, or possibly own this one, one will take the one that had been Mentored much more seriously - as they cared enough about their craft to try and learn and practice it to the best of their ability.

(in reply to Dnomyar)

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RE: Mentor - 9/21/2006 11:48:23 AM

BrutalAntipathy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ayasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

It amazes me on far apart peole on here are on certain subjects. Mentoring is one of them. Some people praise them others have nothng good to say about them. Please give me your opinoin on Mentor's

Let's see, would one rather be in bondage and at someone's mercy with their singletail, whips, etc by someone that learned from a Mentor; or by someone that was self-taught because they are so Domly they don't 'need' anyone teaching them about pressure points; watching their technique and making suggestions; etc.

Well, would one rather go to a 'doctor' that got his knowledge online and forged a diploma and license? Or would one rather go to a doctor that had been through medical school and actually had instructors teach him the proper methods/techniques?

It has been one's experience that those that put down Mentoring are those that lack the self-confidence and/or self-esteem to accept any guidance themselves - surely there is not another human being that could teach them anything.

If two Dominants wanted to play with this one, or possibly own this one, one will take the one that had been Mentored much more seriously - as they cared enough about their craft to try and learn and practice it to the best of their ability.

Yeah, Gawd! How my self confidence and esteem suffers from suggesting that someone seek multiple sources of information rather than hamstring themselves with a single person. What an absolutely stupid thought I had there!

(in reply to ayasha)

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