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Why I'm So Awesome. (The Cold, Hard, Facts)


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Why I'm So Awesome. (The Cold, Hard, Facts) - 9/24/2006 6:57:35 AM   
TreSwank


Posts: 1165
Joined: 3/5/2005
Status: offline 		  THERE I WAS, sitting complacently in a "yuppified" Mystic Tex Mex restaurant/bar, while my "then" girlfriend and her work pals were engaged in animated conversation with the token gay hairstylist from a downtown New London salon.  What I really mean by "animated conversation" is peurile, Cosmopolitan-type banter, punctuated by whorish giggling.............STUPID WHORISH GIGGLING.  Every once in a while, they'd toss in a "You GO Girlfriend!!!!", which really made me want to puke up my Goya-seasoned beef fajita's all over the fucking table.

I really liked the hairstylist - a longtime aquaintance who had quickly won me over with this inveterate negativity, misanthropic wit, and bitchin' fashion sense.  But, when you mix gay men, straight women, margaritas, and giddy laughter, it is SURE to culminate in a night of misery for Yours Truly.

 I don't want anyone to misconstrue this as a misogynist diatribe.  TreSwank absolutely loves to associate with girls on a one-on-one basis............but gather them women-folk into a group and watch me turn into Joseph Stalin with DA' QUICKNESS.

  The idea came to me about three fourths of the way through our meal, like a burning bush of sudden inspiration.  It was simple, subversive, and utterly brilliant, in that uber-crass white boy kind of way.  To really understand the impact of my actions, you'd have to realize that this place had a "family friendly" atmosphere, and that, despite everyone's slight intoxication, there was still a sense of of propriety that dictated what you should, and shouldn't do inside of  "Margarita's" of downtown Mystic.

It all happened in a flash of a second, but the desired effect was worth half a dozen sexless nights.  Midway through some dumbass, trivial story about her boss, and overtime, I reached up and "accidently" grabbed Lisa's left tit.  That's when shit hit the fucking fan.  The mood at that table went from lighthearted and giggly, to hellfire and brimstone serious in 0.24 seconds.

  "Why did you just grab my fucking tit for no reason?" Lisa asked me.  "There are fucking little kids EVERYWHERE in this place"
  "I swear to God, it was just an accident!  I was trying to put my arm around you", I replied.  We both knew better, but I couldn't resist a showdown, to break the monotony of "girl" relations.
   "You know, Bruce...........you're such a fucking insensitive moron sometimes.  I should have listened to my friend Robin, about you"

  For the rest of the night, the spell of shitty "girl" conversation was broken because of my quick thinking in times of danger.  That's why I'm so freakin' awesome. It's amazing how something like the grabbing of a tit at an inopportune moment can set someone off.

< Message edited by TreSwank -- 9/24/2006 7:07:16 AM >
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RE: Why I'm So Awesome. (The Cold, Hard, Facts) - 9/24/2006 7:02:09 AM   
Aileen68


Posts: 6091
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline 		You should have "tweaked" her nipple.

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RE: Why I'm So Awesome. (The Cold, Hard, Facts) - 9/24/2006 7:04:45 AM   
cuddleheart50


Posts: 9718
Joined: 2/20/2006
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		You are just too funny. 

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Sing like no one is listening.
Love like you've never been hurt
and live like it's heaven on Earth.


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RE: Why I'm So Awesome. (The Cold, Hard, Facts) - 9/24/2006 8:25:05 AM   
LeMis


Posts: 9255
Joined: 9/24/2005
From: Florida
Status: offline 		       

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Make a mental note . . . oh, I see you're out of paper!
Make somebody happy. Mind your own business.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. — Lincoln

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RE: Why I'm So Awesome. (The Cold, Hard, Facts) - 9/24/2006 9:25:16 AM   
TreSwank


Posts: 1165
Joined: 3/5/2005
Status: offline 		I should have read over that fucking thing more carefully.  I TOTALLY spelled "acquaintance" wrong, and made some weird grammatical and syntax errors.  I've gotta start using SpellCheck.  I swear to God, ever since I stopped smokin' pot, I've noticed how that nefarious reefer has wrecked havoc on my poor little brain.

< Message edited by TreSwank -- 9/24/2006 9:30:51 AM >

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RE: Why I'm So Awesome. (The Cold, Hard, Facts) - 9/24/2006 9:29:56 AM   
DeviantLady


Posts: 38
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline 		Want to borrow my dictionary?

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RE: Why I'm So Awesome. (The Cold, Hard, Facts) - 9/24/2006 9:34:56 AM   
TreSwank


Posts: 1165
Joined: 3/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DeviantLady

Want to borrow my dictionary?


Shit.............I'd like to borrow YOU. 

     But seriously, before I started fucking up my adolescent years by puffing on the ghanja, stealing old people's Xanax, and huffing spray paint out of paper bags, I used to be a smart kid.  Honest to God, I was.

< Message edited by TreSwank -- 9/24/2006 9:39:08 AM >

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RE: Why I'm So Awesome. (The Cold, Hard, Facts) - 9/24/2006 9:41:25 AM   
DeviantLady


Posts: 38
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline 		Well I am not a library book so you cant borrow me.

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RE: Why I'm So Awesome. (The Cold, Hard, Facts) - 9/24/2006 9:43:20 AM   
TreSwank


Posts: 1165
Joined: 3/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DeviantLady

Well I am not a library book so you cant borrow me.


Oh geez.  "I am WOMAN: Hear me roar."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=DweNE0YuA8k

Didn't mean to screw with your girl-mojo, Andrea Dworkin

< Message edited by TreSwank -- 9/24/2006 9:52:23 AM >

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RE: Why I'm So Awesome. (The Cold, Hard, Facts) - 9/24/2006 10:05:15 AM   
DeviantLady


Posts: 38
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline 		Just thought I would warn you that I am not free to use for just anyone and everyone.

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RE: Why I'm So Awesome. (The Cold, Hard Facts) - 9/24/2006 10:09:23 AM   
TreSwank


Posts: 1165
Joined: 3/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DeviantLady

Just thought I would warn you that I am not free to use for just anyone and everyone.


But didn't you just read the title of this post?  I'm not just "anyone and everyone".......................I'm freakin' AWESOME.  Look up the word "awesome" in any dictionary, and you'll find a fitting description of me.  Girl Scout's promise!!

*Note to CollarMe users.
If you're a hottie, and you speak to me, prepare to get hit on.  I'm a male and a switch, so approach with extreme caution, because I ain't a nice guy. 

Well, actually, I am pretty nice most of the time............except for the first couple hours of the workday.  I'm an awesome tipper, and I HAVE been pumping iron lately.  Yeah.......it's gonna be a complete body transformation, from adolescent looking, skinny 22 year-old, to beefed up God of the beach.  When I take off my shirt, there won't be a dry snatch for MILES.

On top of that, I'm gonna set up a booth and charge, like, ten bucks apiece for girls to touch my swollen, muscular man-pecs.  Sounds like a fair price to me.

< Message edited by TreSwank -- 9/24/2006 10:41:45 AM >

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RE: Why I'm So Awesome. (The Cold, Hard Facts) - 9/24/2006 1:17:10 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		IMO, she needs a good tit-grabbing.

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You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

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RE: Why I'm So Awesome. (The Cold, Hard, Facts) - 9/24/2006 4:59:17 PM   
MistressTexas


Posts: 425
Joined: 5/30/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DeviantLady

Just thought I would warn you that I am not free to use for just anyone and everyone.


Listen sweetie, everyone learns sooner or later... Trying to take the haughty feminist, "superdomme" road with da Swankster, just isn't gonna work. He makes a valid point about his own awesome-ness.. and you kinda just look uptight when you get pissy about it.


Speaking of which, why the left tit?

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RE: Why I'm So Awesome. (The Cold, Hard, Facts) - 9/24/2006 5:02:49 PM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		Cold hard fact - ur not awesome!!
Someone had to be the one to tell ya.

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What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

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RE: Why I'm So Awesome. (The Cold, Hard, Facts) - 9/24/2006 5:32:03 PM   
TreSwank


Posts: 1165
Joined: 3/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Cold hard fact - ur not awesome!!
Someone had to be the one to tell ya.


I know that you've been sent by the League of Awesome People Haters, and I'm gonna do my very Girl-Scout best to reach out to you, missturbation......and pull you out of that awful quagmire of Swanksta hatred. 

Come on, girl................you know that you want to sing "Wind Beneath My Wings" to me naked.  It's written all over your face.   

            Did you ever know that you're my hero?

< Message edited by TreSwank -- 9/24/2006 5:36:05 PM >

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RE: Why I'm So Awesome. (The Cold, Hard, Facts) - 9/24/2006 5:37:32 PM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		Shit tres wank you saw right thru me lol.
 

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

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RE: Why I'm So Awesome. (The Cold, Hard, Facts) - 9/24/2006 5:38:07 PM   
Lorelei115


Posts: 1933
Joined: 8/16/2006
From: Sin City
Status: offline 		Tre, THIS is why I nominated you for the eye candy award. LMFAO

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A sucessful life is not measured by what we do
But by the realization
Of who we are.

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RE: Why I'm So Awesome. (The Cold, Hard, Facts) - 9/24/2006 5:40:47 PM   
GddssBella


Posts: 343
Joined: 2/24/2004
Status: offline 		G'evening all:


I saw this thread scroll down on the feed and thought I'd peek. Oh, bloody hell. What an ego. Swank, there's multiple reasons you're not finding ladies. Try fitting your head back into a normal sized hat and think about it. Oy vey.


Stay safe, play nice, & share your toys w/ others...





Bella

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Life shouldn't be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly shouting..."Wow! What a ride!"

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RE: Why I'm So Awesome. (The Cold, Hard, Facts) - 9/24/2006 5:48:04 PM   
TreSwank


Posts: 1165
Joined: 3/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GddssBella

G'evening all:


I saw this thread scroll down on the feed and thought I'd peek. Oh, bloody hell. What an ego. Swank, there's multiple reasons you're not finding ladies. Try fitting your head back into a normal sized hat and think about it. Oy vey.


Stay safe, play nice, & share your toys w/ others...





Bella


I find ladies pretty easily, because I'm decent-looking, confident, easy to talk to, and smooth as a Southern Comfort and Coke.  It's a rare night that I can go to the bar without at least strike striking some woman's interest. Getting women to stay with me..............well, that's another story, and the subject of many Friday, Saturday night drunken posts in the "Complaints" thread.

  And besides, none of that detracts from my awesome-ness.  By the way, this was meant to be a joke.

                          Main Entry: fa·ce·tious
Pronunciation: f&-'sE-sh&s
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle French facetieux, from facetie jest, from Latin facetia
      : meant to be humorous or funny : not serious <a facetious remark>
synonym see WITTY 



 

< Message edited by TreSwank -- 9/24/2006 5:52:26 PM >

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RE: Why I'm So Awesome. (The Cold, Hard, Facts) - 9/24/2006 5:52:47 PM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		Ah Shit tres wank now uve gone and done it. How can you compare yourself to sc and coke - not on - you are so not as awesome as my fave drink.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to TreSwank)
Profile   Post #: 20
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