RE: Help Please (Full Version)

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DOM33416 -> RE: Help Please (9/25/2006 12:21:21 PM)

With the information you had I would think leaving would be only thing different you could have done.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Help Please (9/25/2006 12:21:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

What you really need to ask is whether this person is actually someone you want to be involved in.  They clearly cannot pick suitable partners, they have difficulty saying no and setting boundaries, they permit rather serious drama to exist in their lives.


I have to disagree, to a point. Yes, if being in a relationship with someone like this is detrimental to your psyche, by all means, step away (I've had to). However, it might just be that the girl simply hasn't worked the whole safeword/safety thing out for herself yet and needs a friend in order to help her do that. In the end, she does have to work it out...and will make mistakes...but should she be abandoned simply because of the mistakes? That's a tough call.

Master Fire



Silvermoon -> RE: Help Please (9/25/2006 12:24:52 PM)

Thank you Master Fire Ma'am. I often worry I'm too outspoken and someone may take it the wrong way!
Guess that stems from too many political battes in the R/T venues! lol

Sincerely
Silver



DomKen -> RE: Help Please (9/25/2006 12:25:20 PM)

I'm new here and I'm sure this will offend some but here goes.

You know this person and how hard she plays right? Did she ever give you any indication that she played much harder with this Dom? You knew she had a problem using safe words before hand right?

If all that is correct and you stood there and let that happen you should feel guilty. At the very least you should have gotten the Dom to pause while you checked on your friend. Any Dom worth a damn would have had no problem letting a subs friends check on her during a scene as intense as what you describe.

And to the people advocating walking away, WTF! What if he didn't lighten up? What if he escalated even more? This wasn't some random couple at a club playing harder than you want to watch this is some stranger beating the crap out of someone you like enough to drive 3 hours to be with. Friends, and lovers, don't abandon each other!



CrappyDom -> RE: Help Please (9/25/2006 12:26:35 PM)

It wasn't just the inability to safeword.  The whole game of making one of her lovers wait till the other ones arrived so that they could watch her playing with another one who was jealous of her other lovers.

Sorry but that just screams drama to me.



Silvermoon -> RE: Help Please (9/25/2006 12:27:21 PM)

For the folks who said "walk away/leave" I honestly hope, that the situation is never reversed, and they do in fact, leave you to the mercy of said person(s). It's clearly the MOST irresponsible course anyone could take.

Sincerely,
Silver



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Help Please (9/25/2006 12:37:28 PM)

That's a good point. However, it doesn't give the Dominant in the scene permission to abuse her. There are more appropriate ways of deal with that kind of thing. If she was truly trying to manipulate him into the scene, all he had to do was simply say no.

But, yes, the aspect of drama is one that I overlooked. Again, her stuff...and thier choice to let her stuff affect them or not...or just parts of her stuff (like simply the safety).

Master Fire



spanklette -> RE: Help Please (9/25/2006 12:40:53 PM)

I don't feel like leaving the scene would be irresponsible. She wasn't screaming a safe word or exhibiting any behaviors that made them confidant enough to step in and interrupt. Does it make it any less of a problem if there's someone watching? If they were not uncomfortable enough to intervene, but they were still uncomfortable... what else to do? Personally, I probably would have asked my Daddy to speak up. I'm not trying to backpedal, but that's just me. Some people aren't as outspoken. If the scene was as focused on them as he has stated, then they're departure would have stopped the scene.
 
If you're not going to intervene, what good is going to do to stand there and watch a scene make you uncomfortable?



Frank01 -> RE: Help Please (9/25/2006 12:42:28 PM)

You would have just been drawn into the break up drama had you tried to interfere.

You offered what support to the bottom that you could-the rest is between them. Showing off is usually a sign of feeling insecure around others-or one would not feel the need.



MASTERRocker -> RE: Help Please (9/25/2006 12:47:04 PM)

Well... I voiced my opinion already - but one thing I do commend you - is,  you were there for the aftercare - and helps blocked any further abuse from happening.....



LotusSong -> RE: Help Please (9/25/2006 12:52:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DomKen

I'm new here and I'm sure this will offend some but here goes.

You know this person and how hard she plays right? Did she ever give you any indication that she played much harder with this Dom? You knew she had a problem using safe words before hand right?

If all that is correct and you stood there and let that happen you should feel guilty. At the very least you should have gotten the Dom to pause while you checked on your friend. Any Dom worth a damn would have had no problem letting a subs friends check on her during a scene as intense as what you describe.

And to the people advocating walking away, WTF! What if he didn't lighten up? What if he escalated even more? This wasn't some random couple at a club playing harder than you want to watch this is some stranger beating the crap out of someone you like enough to drive 3 hours to be with. Friends, and lovers, don't abandon each other!


There is an ugly word that is used to describe what would have happened if the guest interfered in the scene.. they would have been branded "JUDGEMENTAL". 

 The "HOW DARE YOU" choir would have kicked in with their favorite song "Who are YOU to say MY kink is Wrong!"
 
The 'get up and leave' was the best strategy.  The performing Dom could then worry .. not the guests.
 
They would also have a chance to call the authorities if they felt something was amiss.  Unfortunately this would be "social suicide" in the Kommunity should they have been wrong.



demistress -> RE: Help Please (9/25/2006 12:58:27 PM)

Ok, first, let me say, this whole situation sucked, and I'm sorry you and she had to go through with it.  Second, here is my advice GOING FORWARD (do not beat yourself up, but DO learn from what happened)

When playing with new people, or in a new situation.  Establish EVERYONE's limits, openly, plainly, and before ANY action takes place.  If someone crosses one of those lines, they know everyone will speak up.  If you're squeamish or shy, someone WILL get hurt.  As MasterFireMaam mentioned, IF there's a DM, maybe not as needed, but still not a bad idea.  When allowing someone to introduce you to others, get more information about THEIR dynamic, before letting them get you involved.  Know, going forward with this partner, that she is clearly not capable of or willing to stand up for her right to say no, you will either need to teach her or protect her if you choose to keep her in your lives.  Or you will spend alot of time trying to undo the damage she allows to be done.

I am not being critical, I have gotten in my fair share of ugly situations for lack of playing by my OWN rules for new interaction. I think the biggest thing here is limits.  There is a reason to have them, and this is the best example I've ever heard of why EVERYONE in the room/scene/etc. should know them.  We all get wrapped up in the moment sometimes, and shit happens, but you guys could see, you were not wrapped up, and IF you'd known, you could have felt comfortable interfering.

*hugs to you and to her*  *glaring evil eye for the dom who cannot even control himself, let alone others* 



Sinergy -> RE: Help Please (9/25/2006 1:05:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

If I saw that I would ask my Daddy if we could leave in his ear



One knows they are truly in control of their sub when He/She/It can fit the submissive into their ear.

Sinergy

p.s.  It was a private residence, but was it their place?  If it was, the only option is to leave.  If it was somebody else's place I would let them know how uncomfortable I felt witnessing it.  If I was at the Lair and saw something like that I would express my misgivings to the Dungeon Master.



DomKen -> RE: Help Please (9/25/2006 1:54:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

quote:

ORIGINAL: DomKen

I'm new here and I'm sure this will offend some but here goes.

You know this person and how hard she plays right? Did she ever give you any indication that she played much harder with this Dom? You knew she had a problem using safe words before hand right?

If all that is correct and you stood there and let that happen you should feel guilty. At the very least you should have gotten the Dom to pause while you checked on your friend. Any Dom worth a damn would have had no problem letting a subs friends check on her during a scene as intense as what you describe.

And to the people advocating walking away, WTF! What if he didn't lighten up? What if he escalated even more? This wasn't some random couple at a club playing harder than you want to watch this is some stranger beating the crap out of someone you like enough to drive 3 hours to be with. Friends, and lovers, don't abandon each other!


There is an ugly word that is used to describe what would have happened if the guest interfered in the scene.. they would have been branded "JUDGEMENTAL". 

 The "HOW DARE YOU" choir would have kicked in with their favorite song "Who are YOU to say MY kink is Wrong!"
 
The 'get up and leave' was the best strategy.  The performing Dom could then worry .. not the guests.
 
They would also have a chance to call the authorities if they felt something was amiss.  Unfortunately this would be "social suicide" in the Kommunity should they have been wrong.

Personally I couldn't care less if some abusive asshole calls me "judgemental". I never say anybody's kink is wrong as long as it is SSC. In this case it wasn't consensual and they had a strong suspicion that it wasn't during the scene. Stepping up and asking the Dom, politely, to let them check on their friend is a way to verify that it is consensual and if the Dom refuses then it is perhaps time to find the host or to think about calling the police.

Walking away is a great thing to do at a play party or a club if you are witnessing something consensual that is too extreme for you or a kink that doesn't appeal to you but in this case it would have done little more than abdicate care of this woman to the abuser who was beating and cutting her. Expecting him to worry when he had already taken advantage of a sub he knew wasn't able or likely to use her safe word no matter what he did is just nonsensical.

If the people at this party thought what happened was OK I could care less if they excluded me from future parties since I want to be around Dominants and submissives not abusers.



Silvermoon -> RE: Help Please (9/25/2006 2:09:05 PM)

Hear hear once again DomKen.

Yes there are plenty of people that are judgemental and have the "How dare you?!" attitude. My question is, would One rather been known as "How dare you interrupt a scene to check on the safety of those playing?" or "How dare you walk away from a/n (potentially) abusive scene?". Which one is TRULY not going to be asked back to a REPUTABLE establishment or gathering?
Hmmmmmm...

Sincerely
Silver



PlayfulOne -> RE: Help Please (9/25/2006 2:39:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

It wasn't just the inability to safeword.  The whole game of making one of her lovers wait till the other ones arrived so that they could watch her playing with another one who was jealous of her other lovers.

Sorry but that just screams drama to me.


Ever had a friend who was in love with you and you put blinders on to ignore it because you didn't want it to be so?  They were play partners, scene buddies,  someone who she thought it was safe to interact with on that physical level.  They had no other interaction or other relatoionship, no sex, no anything.  though with him and his girl, she sometimes visited to watch a movie and house sit there pets when they went out of town.  I do think to some extent she closed her eyes and ignored how attatched he wanted to become because she didn't want it to be.

She simply wanted us to be there, just because.  His jealousy and being in love with her hit the fan during the scene and immediately after.   He was abrasive to me before hand, but I just brushed it off whch in hindsight was a mistake on my part.  I am not one to play those kinfd of games so it just didn't register with me.

K



PlayfulOne -> RE: Help Please (9/25/2006 2:53:41 PM)

I just got in from work, so I wanted to say thank you to everyone for their responses. 

MasterFireMaam, smiles,  I hear you.  We have let them handle their "stuff", the ending of their interactions is between them and we have no need ro reason to get into it.  We helped her put the pieces back together that evening and made sure she was ok

MsKat,  it was about half way through the scene and in the first 5 minutes after when those pieces started popping out.  I think the signs that his intentions were much greater than hers for the relationship were there she just tried to pretend they weren't.

K



justheather -> RE: Help Please (9/25/2006 3:01:37 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy
One knows they are truly in control of their sub when He/She/It can fit the submissive into their ear.
Sinergy


I have spent a considerable amount of time in my Daddy's pocket, but never his ear.

quote:

ORIGINAL: losttreasure
...Ummm, Julia.... I know you don't mean this how it sounds. You wouldn't walk out on a friend who might be in trouble, would you?


While I don't have permission to speak for Julia, I think that what she was trying to say was that she would hope that the people in whom she and her dom choose to invest their time would not create this kind of drama and act in such an irresponsible manner, not that she would walk out on a friend who was "in trouble".

I'm wondering who, in this situation, you are identifying as "the friend in trouble"? The guy who could not control his feelings of jealousy and acted out selfishly against someone who trusted him or the woman who refused to safeword even though she was having limits violated left and right?

I want to be clear in that Im not placing blame. I do see quite a bit of responsibility resting on the shoulders of both the man and the woman involved in the scene. And I agree with Julia. I don't want to hang out with people like that either.



speednut -> RE: Help Please (9/25/2006 3:07:42 PM)

Well for my 2 cents worth, there is nothing you could have done. That responsibility is the submissives right to interject their safe word. I'm most troubled that the two of you had to provide aftercare and not the Dom responsible for it. Would I have interrupted the scene, I tend to think no. I would need to know everyone involved in the scene before I would do so. In short, like almost all have said, this is a sad situation to have been in, do counsel your friend and help her discover the proper choices to make concerning events such as this. If the Dom got carried away, others should know for their own protection.



MagiksSlave -> RE: Help Please (9/25/2006 3:18:27 PM)

Honestly you were right not to step in because that could have caused more of a problem you did right by giveing her the aftercare and beeing there for her she needed you.. Please just make sure she doesnt waffle and play with him again after the bruises heal... She may be inclined to play again with him because sometimes when the bruises heal we forget some things or lose our heads!! The only thing you could have done was know the limits that were set befor the scene started if you knew befor hand you would have known for shure he had over steped and been able to stop the scene without worrying about interupting something she really wanted...

Im a bit spitefull I guess because Id have the guy blacklisted even maybe call the cops on the dude because breaking limits like that was abuse (OK maybe cops are going a little far but u feel adamently about this stuff but black list deffinetly do that every community has some sort of way to black list someone like that)

Magik's slave



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