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Suleiman -> RE: Fact or Fantasy? (1/15/2005 2:13:11 PM)
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I don't know if I have ever seriously given thought to finding an ideal submissive or dominant for me. A long time ago, I began developing a basic list of criteria for an idealized mate/spouse/lover. Much of the same criteria would apply, simply because most of my needs and wants are intrinsic to my personality. Changing the dynamic will not change my basic requirements.
Friendship First
This is given it's own category because there are a number of subsets involved. This is at the top of the list simply because it is a universal requirement for me in any romantic relationship (and for me, there is a strong romantic element involved in BDSM)
They and I must have a number of mutual interests. More to the point, being an obsessive (and now married to another obsessive), these can not be casual interests. I spend too much of my time on my hobbies, and if the person in my life is not as involved in the same or related interests, it will not work out.
They must be capable of carrying on a decent conversation with me. As you may have noticed, I have a wide range of secondary interests that I am eager and willing to talk about. I have been in relationships where those conversational interests were not shared, and the stony silence that results is not something I want to do again. I often wonder, when the stereotypical woman asks the stereotypical guy "what are you thinking?", to which he grunts in response "nothing", does he, as I have had to, use "nothing" as a polite way of saying "all sorts of wonderful things that I know for a fact will bore you to tears"?
Loyalty. I give it readily and expect it in return. One of the reasons I prefer to take my time in getting to know potential lovers is so that I can gauge their overall trustworthiness. I learn from their habits and inclinations what I can expect of them, and I use this to decide if their behavior is something I want to put up with once I accept the emotional vulnerability of romantic entanglement. Likewise, as I have a great many flaws, I want to find out what they expect of me, so that I can determine if I am likely to frequently upset or disappoint them.
A willingness to stand up for themselves. I am, in person, a bit hot blooded, and occasionally forget proper decorum. Especially when arguing, I need someone who is sufficiently self-willed and self aware to be able to keep control of the situation when I lose mine, or better still to remind me to regain my self-control. It is simply too easy to go from debate to argument, from argument to fight, and from fight to abuse. While I have so far only been on the recieving end of the latter, I have been in relationships where my partner readily allowed themselves to be victimized while arguing, and I simply have too strong a sadistic streak to regularly refuse that sort of temptation when my dander is up.
As the ancients say, "To thine own self be true". I probably don't care nearly as much about "fakes" and "posers" as many people here. Like Goddess Jules, I have habits and preferences which readily label me a fake. I have dealt with people who try, often with the best of intentions, to be something they are not. I find I have difficulty respecting them, and without respect, the whole house of cards comes crashing down. Some folks try to learn to be interested in what their partner likes, and never get around to saying that they don't care for it. They mean well, they're trying to spend time with their sweetie, and they're making an effort to reach out, but by not admitting that this thing is not to their taste (but they'll go to an event with you anyway) they are being disingenuous. Similarly, I have known far too many people who read philosophy or similar sorts of works, so that they have useful nuggets of wisdom to quote in conversation. Yes, I do the same, but I recite those things which have for me some actual meaning, and I am able to articulate what that quote means to me. I have known too many people who solemnly recite some passage by their favorite author, without showing the slightest semblance of deeper understanding or intuitive connection. I don't mind if a person is shallow, some of my best friends are shallow. I do mind when someone parrots another in some vain attempt to appear "deep", even if all they're really trying to do is follow the conversation at the table.
Yes, I advocate the concept of all social interaction being a form of roleplaying, and yes I have been known to point out that the word personality is derived from the latin term for a theatrical mask, but if you do not have a deeper level of self-awareness, you begin to mistake the mask for the person behind it. Eventually, the mask will crack, and I've had to nurse too many of my friends through some crisis of faith or identity brought on by realising that this is not who they are. I need my partner to be a little more stable than that.
In my lover
In addition to those particular criteria, I have others which are specific to a person with whom I have sexual relations. I do not consider sex and romance to be the same thing. Although the two are intertwined, I have had what I consider to be romantic relationships with a number of people whom I have never even kissed.
They must be attractive. This is a purely personal reaction, but it is the honest truth. While I appreciate a wide range of body types, for there to be sex, there must be attraction. My criteria are rather open, so this comes down to "I know what I like".
This goes for their personality, too. Yes, physical looks are important, but their personality is really what matters. I can forgive all manner of physical flaws so long as we have the right emotional and intellectual chemistry. I have, in fact, developed powerful crushes on people who are completely outside of my physical "type", simply because I so thoroughly enjoy being with them.
Maturity. This goes, I think, hand-in-hand with the concept of self-awareness posited above. Some of the factors are wit and wisdom, some of the factors are appearance related. I find myself preferring people between the ages of 24 to 36. When I was younger, I thought I simply preferred older partners. Now that I'm in my thirties, I find I'm still showing a primary preference for the same age range. Upon deeper reflection, I have concluded that, while the mental and emotional attributes I seek are typical within this age range, it is not age itself that matters, so much as a certian level of personal development. Unlike my wife, I do not have as much patience for the inexperienced as I might otherwise like. While I am willing to encourage a person to grow and experiment, I am more likely to do so as a friend and mentor than as a lover. Similarly, while I myself am frequently set in my ways, I find that the mental calcination that sets in in later years with most people is problematic. Among other things, I don't like to know my friends and companions so well that I can carry on their half of the conversation without them. Similarly, I occasionally need my companions to boot me out of my complacency so that I can continue to grow. Finally, in both the "too young" and "too old" categories, I find a great deal of emotional insecurity. Clinginess, melodrama, angst. I have no tolerance for these things, but my loyalty as a friend and lover will cause me to get dragged into those behaviors when my lover is so predisposed.
Confidence. I really prefer someone who knows what they want, and aren't afraid to go for it. Among other things, I'm occasionally a bit slow to gather a clue, where sex is concerned. When I was a teenager, this new word entered the american lexicon: "Daterape". It got pounded into my young impressionable head that things only go so far unless the other party makes it absolutely clear that they want to go further. Unfortunately, the lesson was learned too well.
The first time I met the woman who eventually became my wife, she lured me into a corner of the room, blew in my ear, and nibbled on the lobe. Two days later, the thought managed to make it through all the layers of cotton stuffing in my head, "I wonder if she likes me?" I'm not quite that dense any more, but I still occasionally need to be whalloped by a clue-by-four.
Playfulness. I have been involved with people for whom sex is this dreadful, serious task. A sharing of ourselves, a mingling of the deepest passions. Puh-lease. Okay, if that's your thing, fine, but do it with the other dour serious people. I like to have fun.
Long-Term potential. My idea of a quick fling is six months. Short term involves a couple of years. I am the marrying kind, and anyone I intend to invest this kind of emotional effort into should be someone I can count on being around for a while. Short term romance is, for me, an extension of the courtship. I enter into the relationship expressly seeking to discover if I would want to be with this person for years or decades. I have broken up with, but remained friends with, several people that I like, and love, but would never marry.
I am not going to leave my wife. That is not open to consideration. I also do not cheat. Anyone with whom I become sexually involved has to be okay with the fact that I am married, and my wife has to be okay with them.
In a Submissive
Assuming that I were to begin shopping around for a submissive to join my household in a long term situation, I would add the following criteria:
That look. I can't really describe it, but it's at the top of my list. I've seen it in the mirror, and Ive seen it on the faces of other submissives. I want my submissive to look at me in the same way that I looked at my owner.
High pain threshhold. I'm not nessesarily looking for a true masochist, per se, but various forms of corporal punishment would be involved in my playtime, and I have neither the skill nor patience nessessary to acclimate a person to my preferred extremes. This is not an absolute requirement, but it is highly desireable. I am perfectly capable of scaling back to whatever is tolerable for my partner, but I'd really like to not have to.
Debate without dispute. I have no interest in mindless drones. I have good reasons for all of my rules, even if it is a selfish reason along the lines of "it makes me cranky". I expect to be asked questions, and I expect to be informed of problems. I also expect to be obeyed.
Service, rather than servitude. Like GoddessJules, and doubtless many others, I have encountered far too many people who believe that service is a bedroom attribute. That is a wonderful fantasy, but it does not wash the dishes. As a submissive, I have always endeavored to serve, and in fact I still serve, whenever I notice a situation where I can be of service. I tidy up my table when I'm at a restaraunt. I fold my friend's laundry when I come to visit. Every new years eve, before the big party, I arrive a few hours early to help with prep and cleanup. I promptly begin cooking a meal when company comes by to visit, and I always keep a mental catalogue of food preferences, allergies, and religious or moral food restrictions. I expect no less from anyone else who would call themselves submissive to me - it may not be the same form of servitude, but I expect this person to be not only able to contribute, but to do so without being asked.
Must be compatable with my wife. Yes, I mentioned this one before, but there is a difference between simply being okay with my wife, compared to being compatable with them. By my own sense of honor and obligation, a submissive who bound themselves to me would be living in my home. That means that he or she would have to cohabitate with my wife as well. Tolerance is insufficient where cohabitation is concerned.
Please note that I do not automatically consider sex to be part of submission. Long term submission is, to my internal sense of categorization, more about romantic involvement, and romantic roleplay, than it is about sexual fantasy. The romantic qualifiers must apply. The sexual qualifiers need only apply if it is a sexual relationship.
In a Dominant
This scenario is even more unlikely than the prospect of searching for a submissive. Being the fidelitous sort of person that I am, my basic slave instinct informs me that I have no owner other than my wife. As I have no intention of leaving my wife, nor would I seek a master or mistress outside of my marriage (thus dividing my core loyalty), I leave this as a hypothetical exercise.
My basic needs for a dominant are actually quite few. I am not silly enough to say tha I have "no limits", actually I have a ton of limits, hard and soft. However, for the person I serve, I am quite willing to negotiate nearly anything. This leads to the first, best requirement:
Must inspire absolute trust and loyalty. The relationship may not last. Being a cynic (that is to say, a romantic who has had to deal with real life), I do not expect any relationship to last. For as long as it does last, however, this person needs to be someone I look up to, for whom I would be willing to lay down my life. Among other things, I must believe that I have their loyalty, as much as they have mine. I must believe that they will have my best interests at heart - whether they do or not is inconsequential. If I do not believe it, I will not trust them, and if I do not trust them, there is no submission.
Must give praise when praise is due. I've said it in another thread, and it is a primary motivator. While I do get a certian sense of joy out of making another person happy, I am also a somewhat insecure person and need to have it reaffirmed on a regular basis that I have done well.
Needs to understand that debate is not dissent. I was exposed to the concept of the socratic dialogue at an early age. I will ask "why", and I expect an answer. I will think for myself, and I will not keep my opinion to myself. I may not have any expectation of my comment making a significant difference, but I will comment.
I am not a celibate. Even if it's just the company of my own right hand, I will expect some sort of sexual companionship. If my owner is unwilling or uninterested, I must be free to establish outside relations, or else to have relations with someone else within the household.
Just about everything else is open to negotiation. I am perfectly willing to do, or to not do, a wide variety of things in order to please someone I love, and I am perfectly capable of expressing love - agape - without any sexual relationship involved. While I do enjoy a good flogging or similar sort of playtime, I can also go many months, or even years, without recieving such attentions, with little or no harm done to my emotional being. Under the right circumstances, and if approached properly, I find even my hard limits can be pushed. I'm not a big fan of surprises, and riding roughshod on agreed upon limits will erode any trust that has been established, but if I truly feel inspired to submit myself wholly to another person, I'm willing to at least try whatever it is they're asking of me.
This is, I realise, a very long list, but I attribute a great deal of my personal happiness to having developed such a list. It is actualy quite a bit longer - I have significantly abbreviated it, in order to save space, to avoid boring the audience, and to mantain a certian level of personal privacy. While I have not gone looking for a submissive, and thus have not stress-tested that part of the list, everything else is based on personal preference and hard experience.
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