Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Digging a hole


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Digging a hole Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Digging a hole - 10/2/2006 10:26:58 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

Important points: 

  • If possible, always correct anything you have done or neglected to do immediately.

  • Never offer an excuse for what you've done; there may be reasons, but never excuses.
  • You must never imply that you're apologizing under threat or command, e.g. "I guess I ought to apologize." or "My Sir told me I had to apologize to you now."
  • Hold to your promise to not repeat the behavior again.  Any apology is worthless until you are again faced with the chance to make the same error or offence again and you don't do it.

~

I wanted to thank you for posting this, unbeknownst to you they were a confirming thing for me today...smiles.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to HollyS)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Digging a hole - 10/2/2006 10:43:14 AM   
HollyS


Posts: 230
Joined: 1/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

Important points: 
  • If possible, always correct anything you have done or neglected to do immediately.

  • Never offer an excuse for what you've done; there may be reasons, but never excuses.
  • You must never imply that you're apologizing under threat or command, e.g. "I guess I ought to apologize." or "My Sir told me I had to apologize to you now."
  • Hold to your promise to not repeat the behavior again.  Any apology is worthless until you are again faced with the chance to make the same error or offence again and you don't do it. 
~

I wanted to thank you for posting this, unbeknownst to you they were a confirming thing for me today...smiles. 


*smiles*

Most welcome.  Sometimes things come to us when we least expect it -- I know that's when I'm most receptive to hearing them.

Be well,

~Holly


_____________________________

I wish my lawn were emo, so it would cut itself.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Digging a hole - 10/2/2006 12:02:57 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jamesthehumanrug

dearest perverted creative dom,
?WHAAAAaaaaat????! ......

~grins~...whatsamatta james?  Having trouble following my impeccable linguistics?

When confronted with my own wrongdoing or when I know I have done wrong, I acknowledge it and I apologizefor it.  I sometimes explain my behavior (if they want to hear it...some people do not, at least not right away) but I specifically take care to note that my reasons for whatever I did does not excuse the wrong.  (In other words, we all know why we did something...the fact that it was wrong reasoning could well be why the behavior turned out to be wrong...so saying "I don't know" doesn't cut it.  Not from me and not from my submissive)  That is why I avoid using the word "but" in an apology..."I'm sorry I yelled at you over dinner being late, it's not something I would usually yell about...but the boss spent his day yelling at me".   Do you see how that tries to lay off some of my bad behavior on someone else...in this case, my boss?

(in reply to jamesthehumanrug)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Digging a hole - 10/2/2006 12:31:00 PM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Question. Have we all not told a lie and let it go by because no one caught us at it. Wasnt that a Wrong thing to do.  The confessional is now open.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Digging a hole - 10/2/2006 12:45:57 PM   
SassySue


Posts: 54
Joined: 2/12/2006
Status: offline 		A simple "I'm sorry".  No excuses.  No wafflling.  Accountability.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Digging a hole - 10/2/2006 1:23:52 PM   
NastyDaddy


Posts: 957
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline 		Or the ol' I'm Sorry thread...

_____________________________

"You may be right, I may be crazy... but I may just be the lunatic you're looking for!"

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Digging a hole - 10/2/2006 1:47:36 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		there is that

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to NastyDaddy)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Digging a hole - 10/2/2006 5:09:49 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SassySue

A simple "I'm sorry".  No excuses.  No wafflling.  Accountability.


Exactly.  Reasons are O.K..  Excuses are not.

(in reply to SassySue)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Digging a hole - 10/2/2006 5:21:05 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

Exactly.  Reasons are O.K..  Excuses are not.



I disagree with this.

There comes a point where a person continually engages in a behavior, and have been instructed to stop doing it, or even wants to stop doing it themselves, but are unable to stop doing it.

And when I have attempted to get to the bottom of it, I get The Reasons Why They Do It.  And no amount of talking about it, negotiating about it, going to therapy about it, or whatever, actually makes the behavior stop.

I suppose reasons are ok.  But then I would imagine that my hitting a point where I say something like "fine, I am done" and walking away from the train wreck is also ok.  If I am extra nice I might explain what My Reason is as I help them pack.

Considering they have given me their Reason for however long they have given it to me, I would assume they would understand the trump value of My Reason over rational discourse and negotiation.

Just me, could be wrong, but there you go.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Digging a hole - 10/2/2006 5:30:00 PM   
LadySeraphina


Posts: 931
Joined: 3/28/2006
From: Calgary, Canada
Status: offline 		It's not easy for me to admit when I've made a mistake, but over the years I've worked at it. I must admit that I still tend to share the reasons, though no excuses. I hope eventually to stop feeling a need to explain myself, instead of just skipping on to the 'not doing it again' part.

There's a big difference between making a mistake and being completely screwed up. I'm a little of both. :P

_____________________________

"Men are like wine. They start out as grapes and its up to the woman to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with." -Unknown

www.LadySeraphina.ca

www.SeraphinasToybox.com.

(in reply to Sinergy)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Digging a hole - 10/2/2006 6:32:56 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		Now please dont be shocked but I too have been known to be in the wrong.Sometimes I have admitted it sometimes not.Sometimes I have a reason sometimes I have an excuse.Sometimes they are wrong and sometimes I am right.Does this make me human?.........Tempting

(in reply to LadySeraphina)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Digging a hole - 10/2/2006 6:37:11 PM   
LadySeraphina


Posts: 931
Joined: 3/28/2006
From: Calgary, Canada
Status: offline 		Nononononono - surely you're NOT admitting to being human?! *gasp*

_____________________________

"Men are like wine. They start out as grapes and its up to the woman to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with." -Unknown

www.LadySeraphina.ca

www.SeraphinasToybox.com.

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Digging a hole - 10/3/2006 6:26:19 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

Exactly.  Reasons are O.K..  Excuses are not.



I disagree with this.

There comes a point where a person continually engages in a behavior, and have been instructed to stop doing it, or even wants to stop doing it themselves, but are unable to stop doing it.

And when I have attempted to get to the bottom of it, I get The Reasons Why They Do It.  And no amount of talking about it, negotiating about it, going to therapy about it, or whatever, actually makes the behavior stop.

I suppose reasons are ok.  But then I would imagine that my hitting a point where I say something like "fine, I am done" and walking away from the train wreck is also ok.  If I am extra nice I might explain what My Reason is as I help them pack.

Considering they have given me their Reason for however long they have given it to me, I would assume they would understand the trump value of My Reason over rational discourse and negotiation.

Just me, could be wrong, but there you go.
Sinergy


No...I don't think you're wrong, Sinergy.  As a matter of fact, I have the same philosophy. 

I guess I didn't go far enough in my statement but I was going with the idea that the OP was asking about being able to admit you are wrong.  Others chimed in with being able to admit that they are wrong, even if it is hard.  That is the area I was addressing and I was addressing it as something in a confined space. 

Looking at it over the long haul though ... as you are doing... no, I would not accept constant apologies nor countless reasons as for why the same "wrong" thing keeps happening.  I purposely work hard at not making the same mistake twice.  Does it happen?  Sure.  Does it happen regularly?  No.  And I expect nothing less from the one who wishes to submit to me.  Constant repetition of the same wrongdoing by the submissive OR ongoing wrongdoings, all different but plentiful, would seem to indicate contrary actions to their stated submission.

(in reply to Sinergy)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Digging a hole - 10/3/2006 6:48:49 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

Exactly.  Reasons are O.K..  Excuses are not.



I disagree with this.

There comes a point where a person continually engages in a behavior, and have been instructed to stop doing it, or even wants to stop doing it themselves, but are unable to stop doing it.

And when I have attempted to get to the bottom of it, I get The Reasons Why They Do It.  And no amount of talking about it, negotiating about it, going to therapy about it, or whatever, actually makes the behavior stop.

I suppose reasons are ok.  But then I would imagine that my hitting a point where I say something like "fine, I am done" and walking away from the train wreck is also ok.  If I am extra nice I might explain what My Reason is as I help them pack.

Considering they have given me their Reason for however long they have given it to me, I would assume they would understand the trump value of My Reason over rational discourse and negotiation.

Just me, could be wrong, but there you go.

Sinergy


Brings to mind one of my own favorite sayings: "Insight does not always change the behavior."

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to Sinergy)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Digging a hole - 10/3/2006 6:54:55 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		I am going exercise alittle of my limited supply of compassion and empathy.  I would imagine that for many it is difficult to admit they are wrong when one is in that hole and still digging. 

Of course... I avoid those issues... since I just stay out of the hole.

You might think I am wrong... But I think not  ;)

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Sinergy)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Digging a hole - 10/3/2006 6:59:40 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

I am going exercise alittle of my limited supply of compassion and empathy.  I would imagine that for many it is difficult to admit they are wrong when one is in that hole and still digging. 

Of course... I avoid those issues... since I just stay out of the hole.

You might think I am wrong... But I think not  ;)


I find what really matters in this world is empathy and compassion, which when I step back from a conflict I tend to feel much more of than those on the other side...

All that really matters to me is what my loved ones think... not random strangers on message boards...

The holes I dig with them are the only holes that matter

And since that is the case I see no one that has a hole to fill that I give a rat's ass about...

Just me, I am rarely wrong... ask my unmentionable.. it is the bane of his existence.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Digging a hole - 10/3/2006 7:27:21 PM   
raiken


Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline 		i often look past the principle, for sometimes even the lines of the principle of a matter or situation are highly biased and blurred until the dust settles.  Folks often need time to regroup and reassess before they see the supposed right or wrong of an action or a situation.  Empathy and compassion often foster patience and understanding.  i am not saying it is good to tolerate repeated behaviors, because then one gets into being an enabler of said behavior.  What i am speaking of, are those times when folks just get on overload and snap or loose it for a time under stress or emotional duress.  Duing that time, i see no need to expect an apology right away.  i am patient.  i would rather they have time to think about things, so when they do get around to admissions of truths, the rights and the wrongs, there is a better chance they will clearly mean it.  i don't want forced admissions or apologies just to smooth over a deeper issue either, you know?  As in "oh i better hurry up and apologize whether i am guilty or not so there will be peace" type thinking, etc.  Empathy comes from having been there to some degree as it is born inside from experience.  Fact is...that some folks forget where they came from, lesson wise.  In other words if one hasn't truly learned the lesson, from an experience, (or selective memory at play) they are not able to empathize with another who is still going through it.  Just a thought. 

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Digging a hole - 10/3/2006 7:41:47 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Interesting, I find that the most loving of acts is the act of tough love. I have been living this in my life lately. My nature is to give in to those I love... let them have their way... that is not loving thing all the time though. Being truly loving means being tough sometimes and not enabling people.

It does not mean I lack compassion, it means I have a backbone when lacking one can have terrible consequences... you can forgive even when there has been no apology given.  I have found that my forgiveness is not dependent on the person who has done me wrong, it is dependent on my resilience as a human being to extend to someone that which they have not even requested of me. Holding grudges is detrimental to my own welfare, why would I injure myself further by grudge holding? I try to live this on a spiritual level.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to raiken)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Digging a hole - 10/3/2006 7:57:22 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadySeraphina

Nononononono - surely you're NOT admitting to being human?! *gasp*
LOL..I have to admit when I was typing my posting..I was  reading your one fish blue fish and my posting kind of went into a Dr Suess chant in my head..yikes!!...Tempting 

(in reply to LadySeraphina)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Digging a hole - 10/3/2006 8:03:05 PM   
Iskander


Posts: 264
Joined: 9/26/2006
Status: offline 		I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken... 

Iskander...


(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
Profile   Post #: 60
Page:   <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Digging a hole Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.109