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and then chaos..... - 10/5/2006 8:20:50 AM

amorfati

Posts: 7
Joined: 10/2/2006
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Before I get into it I’m going to preface this by saying that- Yes I know, I’m part of the problem. The D/s aspect in our relationship is fairly new. I started as a masochist. I’m not a sub, and I’m even less of a Domme. So taking a masochistic role- I really got what I was wanting. He on the other hand was drawn more towards the D/s side. I figured that this was a give and take kinda thing, so I tried to adjust to be more subbish. This went on for a few months. For me, hell. And its not so much that what I was doing was difficult or hard for me in any way- it just didn’t fit. So we talk about it, and swap back to how it was before. Then its hell for him. Its like he’d gotten a taste of something he really wanted just to have it taken away. Then to make things worse, I suck it up and play the sub thing again. I’m trying really I am, but it has just gone so wrong. So what now? In either scenario, it sucks for someone. And all this back and forth back and forth crap has just confused both of us and in either situation someone comes out the loser.

Post #: 1

RE: and then chaos..... - 10/5/2006 8:30:25 AM

Yang4yin

Posts: 1677
Joined: 7/26/2006
From: NC (USA)
Status: offline

Time to step out of the relationship?

Sometimes there are not enough positives to make a good relationship.

(in reply to amorfati)

Post #: 2

RE: and then chaos..... - 10/5/2006 8:51:25 AM

midnyt

Posts: 40
Joined: 8/27/2006
Status: offline

OH...WHERE ARE YOU LA?

(in reply to amorfati)

Post #: 3

RE: and then chaos..... - 10/5/2006 8:56:16 AM

gooddogbenji

Posts: 5094
Joined: 11/15/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline

From what you have said, it sounds like you have a good understanding of the needs of the other person. Apparently, communication is there.

However, much like a dog fucking a gerbil, the compatability thing isn't where it should be. Regardless of how well other things work out, if you both expect completely different things from the relationship, it aint going nowhere.

So either find a middle ground or part ways.

Yours,

benji

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Prevent global warming. Stop burning patchouli.

(in reply to midnyt)

Post #: 4

RE: and then chaos..... - 10/5/2006 8:58:00 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: gooddogbenji
However, much like a dog fucking a gerbil, the compatability thing isn't where it should be.

I can only hope that you are not speaking from experience......

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to gooddogbenji)

Post #: 5

RE: and then chaos..... - 10/5/2006 9:03:36 AM

gooddogbenji

Posts: 5094
Joined: 11/15/2005
From: Toronto
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I am into petite girls, aren't I?

Yours,

benji

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Prevent global warming. Stop burning patchouli.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 6

RE: and then chaos..... - 10/5/2006 9:11:08 AM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

I hesitate giving this sort of advice, but I'll throw it out anyway.

One person requires a sadist (or a top), which the other person is not.

The other needs a submissive, which the other person is not.

Could your relationship exist as a vanilla one, with 'side dishes'. That would require a LOT of communication and negotiation. Plus, I didn't get the sense of whether your relationship started as, or was designed for, a kink relationship. If it was, then yes indeed you are in trouble. If it was borne out of a vanilla relationship to begin with, then the above 'might' be an idea.

Just a very tenuous idea.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to amorfati)

Post #: 7

RE: and then chaos..... - 10/5/2006 9:15:39 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Tries her best LA impression:

Sometimes, people just grow and change too much to stay in a relationship. He has discovered needs and desires that you have discovered you can't fulfill...and vice versa. Trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole won't work for either of you. It's not fair to expect him to change for you any more than it's fair of him to expect you to change for him. Changing for somoene else isn't healthy in the long run. Love him and cherish him, but realize that, as he is, he's not going to make it work for you.

So, you have options:
Remain in the relationship, trying to switch back and forth, and make each other miserable until you end it in hatred and disgust.
Remain in the relationship, taking it back to something more vanilla, and open it up to other people so that you can each get your needs met.
End the relationship now, on good terms (hopefully) and look for better matches.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to amorfati)

Post #: 8

RE: and then chaos..... - 10/5/2006 9:19:13 AM

gooddogbenji

Posts: 5094
Joined: 11/15/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline

Nicely said, LA.....

Yours,

benji

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Prevent global warming. Stop burning patchouli.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 9

RE: and then chaos..... - 10/5/2006 9:37:22 AM

amorfati

Posts: 7
Joined: 10/2/2006
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Well its a 4 year marriage- dont really want to end something that is otherwise going so well. It started out somewhat vanillaish- i guess we could try that again if all else fails. But I think we have both gotten a taste of something we really love and want, so that would end up being as bad a situation as the back and forth crap we are doing now.

(in reply to gooddogbenji)

Post #: 10

RE: and then chaos..... - 10/5/2006 9:45:00 AM

gooddogbenji

Posts: 5094
Joined: 11/15/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline

So cut your losses.... Would you rather end a 4 year, positive balance marriage, or a 10 year, complete fucking hell and beyond marriage?

I don't understand people who spend years in unsatisfying relationships because of convenience.......

Yours,

benji

_____________________________

Prevent global warming. Stop burning patchouli.

(in reply to amorfati)

Post #: 11

RE: and then chaos..... - 10/5/2006 9:53:04 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

Expecting others to be what they are not rarely lends itself to long lasting relationships, and I do not know of any relationships like this that are happy ones.

Some self acceptance and mutual acceptance does not mean the relationship has to end... just the expectations within it...

Just my opinion, and I wish you luck

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to amorfati)

Post #: 12

RE: and then chaos..... - 10/5/2006 10:17:24 AM

amorfati

Posts: 7
Joined: 10/2/2006
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that just seems so trivial though- no offense ment.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 13

RE: and then chaos..... - 10/5/2006 10:20:23 AM

gooddogbenji

Posts: 5094
Joined: 11/15/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline

Yer the one making it a big deal, not us......

What I mean to say is that you're saying living like he wants is hell for you and vice versa. Living vanilla is hell for the both of you... So how is living in hell trivial?

Yours,

benji

_____________________________

Prevent global warming. Stop burning patchouli.

(in reply to amorfati)

Post #: 14

RE: and then chaos..... - 10/5/2006 10:32:29 AM

amorfati

Posts: 7
Joined: 10/2/2006
Status: offline

It is a big deal, not divorce big but well... I would consider it if other areas of our marriage werent going well, but they are. So I was kinda looking for some bdsm advice.

(in reply to gooddogbenji)

Post #: 15

RE: and then chaos..... - 10/5/2006 10:33:40 AM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

i say make it a Poly household. He goes Dom, you go Top and co partner.. you two go out and find yerselves a subbie female/male ect ect.

He gives you pain - you give him a girl you can both Dom (or a guy.. or both.. or um more... )

i say go poly!

oh and you both be who you are. You be the masochist, he'll be the Dom/sadist. Sometimes you need abit extra in a relationship. Kind of like friends..

you dont just have one friend.. you have many because you get something different from each of them

< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 10/5/2006 10:34:52 AM >

(in reply to amorfati)

Post #: 16

RE: and then chaos..... - 10/5/2006 10:43:23 AM

gooddogbenji

Posts: 5094
Joined: 11/15/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline

You make it seem so fun!

Let's go the pool, then to the zoo, and then we can go poly! YAY!!!!

Yours,

benji

_____________________________

Prevent global warming. Stop burning patchouli.

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 17

RE: and then chaos..... - 10/5/2006 11:07:15 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I am trying so hard to behave, self control isn't always what its cracked up to be.

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to gooddogbenji)

Post #: 18

RE: and then chaos..... - 10/5/2006 11:26:36 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

Hello amorfati,

You said the D/s aspect was quite new in your marriage. Is there a chance that you could both just take a little bit of a breather from it for a while? Both of you. It obviously wasn't the be all and end all for a long time and it's so new. Sometimes the answers to a problem come when you're not looking at it closely.

agirl

(in reply to amorfati)

Post #: 19

RE: and then chaos..... - 10/5/2006 11:30:20 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gooddogbenji

Yer the one making it a big deal, not us......

What I mean to say is that you're saying living like he wants is hell for you and vice versa. Living vanilla is hell for the both of you... So how is living in hell trivial?

Yours,

benji

LOL... well there is hell, and then there is hell.

I do not think people should just dump their marriages over this type of thing, but it certainly would squick me to be a dom to someone since I am a submissive... I am just viewing it through my own experience

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to gooddogbenji)

Post #: 20

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