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RE: and then chaos..... - 10/5/2006 12:24:29 PM   
amorfati


Posts: 7
Joined: 10/2/2006
Status: offline 		The D/s thing has been in and out, but its been about 6-7 months if you were too add it all up. And yeah its been like pull my hair out hell, but not like run and find a lawyer hell. I'm really not interested in poly. Fine for some - just not quite my speed.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: and then chaos..... - 10/5/2006 12:26:13 PM   
Sub03


Posts: 600
Joined: 4/30/2005
Status: offline 		Your only 21 and have been married for 4 years?? Exact reason why getting married young isn't a good idea, you have no idea who you are and what you want at 17, much less know enough to get married.

I can speak from experience though that this relationship just isnt going to work. Yes ending a marriage is a huge deal, hopefully no kids are involved, that only makes it harder. But staying in a relationship where both of you are miserable is pointless. Why stay together if neither of you is getting what you really want? Being in a relationship with someone is supposed to be fun and enjoyable. Trying to change for each other is selfish of both of you. You cant be what you arent and no amount of trying is going to change you. Besides what fun is it when both of you know that the other person is faking? Staying in a relationship because of convenience and comfort will eventually end and end bitterly. Trust me I tried it. I know the idea of ending the marriage seems like a horrible idea and is the last thing you want to do but sit down and think, honestly think about what each of you is going to get out of this marriage if you do stay together. Leave feelings out of it, leave convenience out of it and think seriously about your relationship and what chance it really has of working.

_____________________________

owned by painarranger

I am His loyal slave

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: and then chaos..... - 10/5/2006 12:42:09 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

 Being in a relationship with someone is supposed to be fun and enjoyable.


Yes at first it should be fun and enjoyable... but marriage is not defined by the words fun and enjoyable... I think a lot of people get married think this, but it is not the case. It is worthwhile, it is fulfilling for many people, it has fun and enjoyable moments... but it is also a lot of work and sacrifice.

Perhaps you did not mean it that way. I would not want to misinterpret your meaning... it is just that the relationships I have learned the most in were not always fun.

Marriage is not an easy thing to walk away from, and while sometimes people have to do it for whatever reason (myself included) it is not the first avenue the moment you experience a little unhappiness, because that unhappiness just follows you into the next relationship. You can't divorce yourself.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Sub03)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: and then chaos..... - 10/5/2006 12:45:43 PM   
amorfati


Posts: 7
Joined: 10/2/2006
Status: offline 		Yes I have been married 4 years- well almost. It will be 4 years in a couple of months. Speak for yourself maam, but you've missed the point entirely. 

Maybe I should reword to cause less confusion.

Our roles are mismatched, its frustrating. I am not so frustrated that divorce would even enter my head. Outside of 9pm -5am we have a happy loving healthy marriage. Even those hours are not bad- just not what either of us would love to have.

(in reply to Sub03)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: and then chaos..... - 10/5/2006 12:56:06 PM   
Sub03


Posts: 600
Joined: 4/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amorfati
And yeah its been like pull my hair out hell, but not like run and find a lawyer hell.


Im just going by what you yourself say. You say right there that life is hell, but if you want your life to be hell then by all means go ahead. Its your life.

_____________________________

owned by painarranger

I am His loyal slave

(in reply to amorfati)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: and then chaos..... - 10/5/2006 4:49:45 PM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		Each of you get a partner that satisifies you and stay married. he gets his and you get yours, as long as you agree and can deal with it, all should be fine.

~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to amorfati)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: and then chaos..... - 10/5/2006 7:08:20 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		Ok you dont want to break up yet you dont want to be what he wants and he dont wana be what you want someone is always unhappy.. the way i see it is you arent a sub nothing in the world is gunna make you one thats just how it is, he wants more then to just beat you he wants a sub something you cant be happy beeing and he cant be happy without. One of you is gunna have to be unhappy some of the time if you dont want to split up there is no magik advise we here can give (nope not even me) Yes it sucks but what can you do you got married at 17 I dont care what you say I just dont see that as smart. Im only 22 but even Im not the same person I was when I was 17 to much changes from those years to when you are an adult to make such a life long comitment. You need to know who you are first and it is apparent that neather of the two of you knew who you really where befor you got married and now you are dealing with the consaquenses!!! thus is life!!

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: and then chaos..... - 10/5/2006 7:20:37 PM   
spanklette


Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		No matter what anyone else thinks about whether it was wise to get married, you are, indeed, married. I think you need to really communicate with your husband. Discuss both of your needs in a clear manner. Maybe even make a list, of sorts. Decide what you can provide to each other. If those things are enough, then it's enough.
 
If those things aren't enough, then the only choice to fulfill those needs is to look outside of the marriage.
 
Remember, we all make compromises in relationships, even those that wouldn't admit it. In order to maintain a successful marriage, this is something you guys are going to have to compromise on. Nobody ever said marriage was supposed to be easy.
 
Use this as a tool to strengthen your bond. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Decide on those things you can't live without and go from there.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to amorfati)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: and then chaos..... - 10/6/2006 6:06:02 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		Could you be a bedroom only submissive a couple of times a week? And could he be just a sadist a couple of times a week? And the rest of the time be equals?

Nowhere does it say you have to do this every moment of every day. He might find that if he knew Friday night you would role play Miss Perfect Sub, that it could be sufficiently fulfilling. And you might find it easy to play that if you knew that Sunday afternoon was play time for you.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: and then chaos..... - 10/6/2006 7:52:20 AM   
amorfati


Posts: 7
Joined: 10/2/2006
Status: offline 		That seems like it could work- I if thats sufficiant for him. I could deal with a few days a week thing - its the 24/7 that drives me crazy. 

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: and then chaos..... - 10/6/2006 1:55:35 PM   
Sensualips


Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		Hmm, this sounds familiar.  Actually I know a couple going through a similar thing.  Their trial solution is to remove a D/s dynamic from the equation completely.  They will be committed boyfriend and girlfriend.  That being said, they have a lot of needs that are not being met.  So they made lists.  Where the lists converge, they are negotiating.  She is willing (and enthusiastic) about perhaps role playing slave/submissive for certain time frames or for events.  Both understand she may look to top other men/women as will he for women.  He is willing to do some more sensual scening with her and leave out the heavy pain.  And so on.

The real question is what aboout his non-play D/s needs? If he takes on an actual submissive, not a bottom for play, will she be able to deal with that?  They are poly -- but poly is hard, dammit. :)

Both are talking a lot and negotiating and committed to the primary relationship.  But both are also scared because it seems like maybe they simply are not compatible any more.  And that is really upsetting to both - upsetting enough they are actively looking for solutions.  It is essentially reinventing the relationship. 

Tough to say what will happen.

(in reply to amorfati)
Profile   Post #: 31
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