Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Married male submissives


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> RE: Married male submissives Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Married male submissives - 1/26/2005 9:41:05 AM   
onceburned


Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline
quote:


I would suggest you try the shoe on the other foot. How would you feel if your wife pursued a relationship outside of the marriage without your knowledge? How would you feel if it was YOU that was being lied to?


Exactly.

submise, Lily and MsC have picked up on something I glossed over. The last few sentences sound that you are thinking of sneaking behind your wife's back. Nothing could be more destructive to your marriage or to a potential relationship with a domme.

Honesty, honesty, honesty. Without it, trust will die and with it your marriage and any relationship.

Be good to your wife. She deserves it... isn't that why you married her? Exhaust all possibilities with her before looking outside the marriage and even then get her permission. Make sure she knows exactly what is happening so that her mind is at ease. She deserves that consideration... isn't that why you are still married to her?

Submise, if you want to talk about this in private, drop me an email.

(in reply to MsCameron)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Married male submissives - 1/26/2005 9:51:04 AM   
darkinshadows


Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline
quote:

People change over time. Nobody knows where the road of life will lead you. When I got married almost ten years ago, I didn't know I was submissive. I wasn't in the BDSM world and knew little about it. I had no interest in it. Alot can happen in ones life psychologically. I now consider myself a true full fledged submissive. I've accepted this and I am proud of this. My spouse has no knowledge or interest in this lifestyle whatsoever. So, I guess I supposed to keep it all bottled up inside? I guess i'm supposed to be a closet submissive for the rest of my life? Yes, I agree it is cheating if I start worshipping a domme outside of my marriage. But I don't want to throw away 10 years of marriage. That doesn't make sense. I still love my spouse more than anything. Yes it is wrong to have a Mistress outside of marriage but we are all sinners. And yes, men are dogs. But I only have one life to live. Can't I have my cake and eat it too?


It isnt about cheating. It isnt about sin. It isnt about how people change.

You want your cake and eat it? To me, that would be incredibly selfish. And as a submissive I give because that is what is in me.

What it is about.... above everything else... is truth. And being true to oneself is the most important. If You are not true to yourself, you cannot be true to another. If You cannot submit to what and who you are truthfully... how can you submit with honesty to anyone?

_____________________________
.dark.



...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to submise)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Married male submissives - 1/26/2005 11:09:39 AM   
panthergoddess


Posts: 93
Joined: 1/11/2005
From: Bessemer City, NC USA
Status: offline 		Ok so people change over time.....in a marriage are you not supposed to grow and change together? If being a submissive is a part of you that you have discovered, then why would you not communicate that with your wife? I simply do not get that. So along the way you have managed to not only grow apart because you are headed in a different direction than she is, but have also managed to cover up, suppress that from her and not give her the benefit of the doubt to accept who you REALLY have become. How is your marriage then a true marriage if she is blind to your whole self because YOU decided for both of you (a dom aspect btw) that it was not good for her to know.
If you truely want to be controlled......then give her that control. Tell and display for her what and who you truely are. She'll either accept it as a part of you and you both can decide from there where to go, or she'll leave you and you can explore the lifestyle freely with another.

I've never understood why anyone can expect any relationship to thrive much less survive if both parties are not honest with themselves and each other as well as communicating effectively with each other, be it a 'nilla or lifestyle relationship. And on that note why the "cheaters" would be so open to someone outside their marriages as to their inner most secrets and kinks, when their significant other's should be the ones to know, not some relative stranger.

_____________________________

"No good deed goes unpunished."

(in reply to darkinshadows)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Married male submissives - 1/26/2005 3:01:59 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: onceburned

quote:


I would suggest you try the shoe on the other foot. How would you feel if your wife pursued a relationship outside of the marriage without your knowledge? How would you feel if it was YOU that was being lied to?


Exactly.

submise, Lily and MsC have picked up on something I glossed over. The last few sentences sound that you are thinking of sneaking behind your wife's back.

Honesty, honesty, honesty. Without it, trust will die and with it your marriage and any relationship.

Oh Chris,
He's not thinking of being dishonest/cheating... He is doing it. I hope his wife does the same to him, than they can both sit down at the end of this trainwreck they call a marriage, and confess their true needs and desires.

and Lily, that was a nice spanking you administered to Submise in your reply. I think you rock. .. M

(in reply to onceburned)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Married male submissives - 1/26/2005 3:48:13 PM   
submise


Posts: 20
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline 		I would feel terrible if the shoe was on the other foot. I'm very aware of this. And my intentions were never to try and justify anything. I totally agree that it is wrong for a married man to cheat and i stated that in my first post. furthermore, I do apologize for the gender generalization. I'm sure there are good men out there that are not dogs. I only tried to give a little insight into the mind of this married male submissives mind who is currently searching and will continue to search for a Domme to service. I have a feeling that if you "walked a mile in my shoes", some of you might be less judgemental. mark

(in reply to MsCameron)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Married male submissives - 1/26/2005 3:57:39 PM   
LdyAuburn


Posts: 179
Joined: 5/9/2004
Status: offline 		You dont want to lose your marriage I gather, but you wont tell her about your bdsm and d/s inclinations. If that is due to you expecting her to be disgusted or outraged, just imagine if she finds out you have taken it out of the home. That someone else knows of it before she did.
It is an extra betrayal. I know there is some cliche about keeping the dirty linen private she might think of this as dirty linen

(in reply to submise)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Married male submissives - 1/27/2005 4:18:40 AM   
darkinshadows


Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline
I, for one have not been judgemental. I do not think the majority here have been. They are stating facts and feelings. Try not be defensive to comments returned to you which you brought out in an open forum.

And, although I am not male... I am submissive in a non BDSM relationship and I have been there. I have walked in your shoes. And I found that for me, I could not justify being a submissive with being unfaithful. I could not do it. I would have been unfaithful to myself... unfaithful to the person I would have been cheating on... and unfaithful to the person I was cheating with.

If its the right thing for you to do, go ahead. But remember that there are two others involved. Everything about BDSM is safe, sane and consensual. In your situation, and in the situation I was close to and walked away from, there is nothing but lies, insainity and forcing others to do something against their wishes.
Am I perfect?.... Far from it. Perfection doesn't exist, but I know my own worth, and the worth of others and I chose truth. Without it, for me, the Lifestyle would be a farce.

_____________________________
.dark.



...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to submise)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Married male submissives - 1/27/2005 4:46:31 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		I for one do not promote a relationship with marrieds, but there are extenuating circumstances that dont allow for dissolution of the union--and the need to serve to find that life balance is very great--then again there are those that gain the thrill from the fact thst it IS illicit--

edited for typo

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 1/27/2005 4:47:15 AM >

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


(in reply to darkinshadows)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Married male submissives - 1/27/2005 4:59:24 AM   
onceburned


Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline
quote:

I only tried to give a little insight into the mind of this married male submissives mind who is currently searching and will continue to search for a Domme to service.


Submise, the issue of being true to yourself and to those you love (as mentioned by ~Angel~ is very important.

By searching for a domme without your wife's knowledge you are hiding an important part of yourself from her. Perhaps you are afraid to trust her because you are afraid you might lose her if she knew your feelings and needs. Or perhaps you are afraid that she will think less of you, knowing that you have a need (some might call it a vulnerability) that she did not know of before.

But by hiding this part of yourself from her you are being false to yourself, and by going outside the marriage you are being false to her. This falseness will come with a price - a slow cancer which will eat away at you and eat away at your marriage.

If you love your wife you will let her know so that the two of you can work through your concerns. Because your concerns are *her* concerns too.

(in reply to submise)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Married male submissives - 1/27/2005 5:55:26 AM   
Dave8544


Posts: 49
Joined: 7/23/2004
Status: offline 		I was once one of those, Never did cheat but felt caught in a vanilla world,a loveless marriage, wondering if I had the nerve to leave my misery? Would my Catholic God disown me? My kids, would they understand? The only part I seemed to get that I craved was denial, and Financial slavery, But that can be marriage. We owned a lot of property and had many financial investments. So you can see why it is not that easy to walk, more so if you have nowhere to walk to except your fantasy's. So I believe many are looking for a new start before leaving where they are. I think you have to have a door to open before closing the one behind you. It's just my thoughts not ment to fit everyones life. Respectfully Dave

(in reply to MsCameron)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Married male submissives - 1/27/2005 6:02:49 AM   
panthergoddess


Posts: 93
Joined: 1/11/2005
From: Bessemer City, NC USA
Status: offline 		I for one would not wish to be used as a stepping stone.

Look people....Life is what it is. A series of choices. Decide what you feel is the best for you. All choices come with benefits and risks. It's up to everyone to evaluate one against the other in the choices made or being made.

_____________________________

"No good deed goes unpunished."

(in reply to Dave8544)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Married male submissives - 1/27/2005 11:32:18 AM   
MadameDahlia


Posts: 2021
Joined: 8/11/2004
From: SoCal aka Hell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: panthergoddess

I for one would not wish to be used as a stepping stone.


I quite agree with you. I would not engage in a relationship with a man or woman who had just stepped out of a marriage unless I knew that he or she had left on their own, without having first located me as some sort of rebound woman.

However some do find it impossible to part from what they are used to, what they have known for so long. I know of one submissive friend of mine, who while not married is quite committed to a Domina who is not always safe, not nearly as attentive as someone with her responsibility should be. But he has grown accustomed to her. And I think that he is a bit afraid to move forward in his life until he knows he has something safe and warm to go to.

Is it the best way of parting with someone? No. Is it the worst? No. It is merely the way of the people who possess that sort of psychology function. They are frightened, unsure. They want absolutes in most cases. Admittedly nothing in life is absolute except death and taxes - but the IRS will tell you that one of the two isn't always true. Should they wait for absolutes? That is entirely up to them to decide.


_____________________________

Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
--R. D. Laing

"Oh, but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away."

(in reply to panthergoddess)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Married male submissives - 1/27/2005 12:47:43 PM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline
quote:

Awwww...poor you.

<snip!>
Well, I suppose you can have your cake and eat it too. But eventually, that cake eats you as much as you eat it.


M. Lilly-

Bravo- brillant.

Absolutly the best take down scene I have witnessed in cyber-space!

Thank you.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to ProtagonistLily)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Married male submissives - 1/27/2005 2:05:24 PM   
MsSimone


Posts: 119
Joined: 7/15/2004
From: Chicago,Illinois
Status: offline

quote:

Really, my theory is that they are cheap bastards who don't want to pay a Pro. Too bad.

Lily,
I agree. Being a prodomme many of those who see me are married - both male and female. I find those who approach me online to chat,cam ,etc. or approach my non pro sisiters are just that : looking for a freebie. If you are just seeking to explore your BDSM interests outside of your marriage and are NOT poly or open with your wife, why would you approach a lifestyle domme who is clearly seeking a relationship? It's rude and demeaning to her. That's one reason we have professionals. To provide you a safe, limited intimacy arena to explore yourself safely. Don't be disrespectful and try and wiggle your way into our graces for free or by lying. A lifestyler who is clearly seeking a long term relationship should not have to deal with the BS of investing time,training and emotional energy in you when you are unable to reciprocate in kind.
Spend the money and visit a professional.

Ms Simone

_____________________________

www.chicago-mistress.com

(in reply to ProtagonistLily)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Married male submissives - 1/27/2005 3:45:14 PM   
MadameDahlia


Posts: 2021
Joined: 8/11/2004
From: SoCal aka Hell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsSimone
... why would you approach a lifestyle domme who is clearly seeking a relationship? It's rude and demeaning to her. That's one reason we have professionals. To provide you a safe, limited intimacy arena to explore yourself safely. Don't be disrespectful and try and wiggle your way into our graces for free or by lying. A lifestyler who is clearly seeking a long term relationship should not have to deal with the BS of investing time,training and emotional energy in you when you are unable to reciprocate in kind.
Ms Simone


It's standing ovation time!
Thank you for your thoughts. Thank you for expressing them here and sharing them with us.


_____________________________

Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
--R. D. Laing

"Oh, but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away."

(in reply to MsSimone)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Married male submissives - 1/28/2005 7:20:40 AM   
janedeaux


Posts: 1
Joined: 12/15/2004
Status: offline 		I'll add my two cents in the form of a recent email I sent to just such a man--who just couldn't fathom why I wouldn't "help him out." It echoes much of what's already been said so very well by many of you.

What's really funny? The guy's response was that he was "being noble" by lying to his wife. He saw absolutely nothing wrong with what he was doing. I'm quite certain, if asked, his wife would have a very different opinion.

Here's the email:


"My profile makes it very clear that I'm not interested in married
or attached men whose partners don't know what they are doing.
I will expand on my reasons for you as a courtesy, since you have
asked. Please don't take my willingness to explain my thoughts as a
sign that my position will change. Believe me, it won't.

I am not monogamous and I am scrupulously honest (as much as I can be)
in the way I live. I have made significant personal sacrifices to
live the lifestyle I have in as forthright a manner as possible. I do
not care to deal with men who are trying to straddle the fence by
staying with partners who do not fulfill them while seeking out
sexual/emotional fulfillment behind their spouse's back. I told you
that I don't like to judge, but I suppose that is a judgment of sorts.
I find dishonesty repugnant on most levels; cheating on a spouse
involves such a profound level of dishonesty that I could never be
comfortable with someone who does it, nor could I participate in the
lie.

I always wonder if men who claim to have such a burning need to be
submissive ever see the irony in the way they dishonor such a central
female figure in their lives when they fuck around on their wives.
Again, I apologize if that seems a harsh judgment to you. It's just
something that always strikes me in these situations.

My advice to my married friends who bemoan their inablity to leave
their marriages but who seem quite able to chase extracurricular tail
until the cows come home is this: If you are truly submissive, then
make the best of what you have for now. Serve your wife even when she
doesn't know you're serving her. Feed your need to serve by finding
ways to make her happy as if she *were* a Domme. Submit to her will
as you would a Domme. If you can't do this, then leave. Leave and go
through the difficulty and the pain that it takes to be who you need
to be.

I don't offer this as advice to you. I merely am sharing it so you
will know better how I view what it is you are asking me to do. I
simply don't care to participate in something that would wound an
innocent person terribly if she were to find out about it. I don't
care for the way that would make me feel. On a more practical level,
I have my own life and level of discretion that I maintain with regard
to my kink...and dealing with someone's jealous spouse is the last
thing I ever want to have to worry about.

The bottom line is that it's simply not worth it to me on either a
practical or more personal moral level to dip my toe into that water.
Believe me, I've been tempted many times with all sorts of attractive
offers and haven't ever changed my mind. I know myself well enough to
know that it would only make me unhappy in the long run.

I hope this clears up any lingering questions or doubts you have as to
my thoughts on the subject.

Best of luck to you."



(in reply to MadameDahlia)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Married male submissives - 1/28/2005 7:22:58 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadameDahlia
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsSimone
... why would you approach a lifestyle domme who is clearly seeking a relationship? It's rude and demeaning to her. That's one reason we have professionals. To provide you a safe, limited intimacy arena to explore yourself safely. Don't be disrespectful and try and wiggle your way into our graces for free or by lying. A lifestyler who is clearly seeking a long term relationship should not have to deal with the BS of investing time,training and emotional energy in you when you are unable to reciprocate in kind.
Ms Simone


It's standing ovation time!
Thank you for your thoughts. Thank you for expressing them here and sharing them with us.

I will join you there... Standing and Saying Bravo... Very well said, and right to the core of the matter. M

(in reply to MadameDahlia)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Married male submissives - 1/28/2005 7:38:50 PM   
ProtagonistLily


Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

quote:

Awwww...poor you.

<snip!>
Well, I suppose you can have your cake and eat it too. But eventually, that cake eats you as much as you eat it.

M. Lilly-

Bravo- brillant.

Thank you

Absolutly the best take down scene I have witnessed in cyber-space!

Thank you.

Stay warm,
Lawrence


M. Lawrence,

Thank you for the nice comment, I appreciate it. Coming from you, I find it very high compliment.

I've never felt the need to compromise my morals or values as an active participant in my BDSM scene. I hope that I never will.

Lily


_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to topcat)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Married male submissives - 1/28/2005 7:58:20 PM   
DreamyLadySnow


Posts: 359
Joined: 1/23/2005
Status: offline 		Lily
I'm with you. I also get it all the time. Why they are cheating is their business. I consider myself too valuable to be anyone's dirty little secret.
Honesty is too high up on my values scale to ditch, just to fulfill their little fantasies.

(in reply to ProtagonistLily)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Married male submissives - 1/29/2005 3:33:00 AM   
MyLadyPolgara


Posts: 10
Joined: 11/22/2004
Status: offline 		I've noticed that myself! It's amazing how fast the word "discreet" comes up in conversation when I mention that they'll be meeting my husband, and so of course his wife really must come along so we can make sure all is above board. About half the time after the fallout from that conversation I generally get called a cheating bitch and end up yet again trying to keep my temper and explain poly...and they never take me up on the offer to let them talk to my husband on the phone lol...wonder why?
Polgara

quote:

ORIGINAL: ProtagonistLily

quote:

do you mean married who do it behind their partner's back? Or do you mean just married?


I mean married and cheating. I do realize that there are married men who have negotiatied with their wives to engage in BDSM outside the home.

You learn quickly how willing the wife is when you say you'll think about this, but first you'd like to talk to their wives ~wink~

Lily



_____________________________

"If you want real whipped cream, you have to use real whips! Everybody knows that!"
--Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

(in reply to ProtagonistLily)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> RE: Married male submissives Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094